If you haven’t done it by 50 you never will.

[Wish44]

Morning all,

I have a long standing debate with my mum about my brother -

he is in his 50’s now and has been single since his early twenties. He is nearly always in a casual relationship of some sort and sometimes these relationships last for up to two years. We occasionally meet the women and they always seem lovely. However he will never ever enter a committed relationship with them and the relationships end eventually when the women realise that he is never going to commit. He is honest with them with his words but his actions don’t match so it always takes a while to play out.

His take on this is that he has just never meets the right one and never falls in love, he actually says he is sad about this as he wanted a family. My mum totally believes this and spends her life hoping he will meet the one soon. I think he has problems with commitment and will never do it . He had several traumas in his late teens and one in his early twenties that would cause this.

so I am asking the internet has anyone got any experience of being single for a life time ( though choice) and then finding someone they really click with and fall in love with in later life?

you are being unreasonable- it can take until later life to meet the one.

you are not being reasonable- if you want a committed relationship you can find someone to fall in love with.

I have a family friend (now dead) who had a couple of marriages and kids then met a much younger Japanese woman. Went on to have 4 boys with her all of whom who went to boarding school in England when they moved to Spain (had the boys in his 50s). He was very wealthy, property developer, millionaire who started a hotel restaurant. Later the wife admitted he could be very difficult to live with. But obvs didn’t divorce him.

How is your DM and culture on homosexuality @Wish44 any chance he lives another parallel life, not to offend, or even sadder doesn’t?

I suspect what has happened is that in his 20s and 30s he didn't want to settle down. Now he thinks he might, but the women that are easiest to attract (and possibly that he gets on best with) are close to his own age and he can't have children with them.

So if he wants children he needs to attract a woman younger than about 35 to allow for a couple of years to get to know each other properly. These are harder to attract for a man of 50 and possibly he also doesn't really gel with most of them on an intellectual level due to the age gap.

So he carries on with the short term women he can get, but doesn't want to shut off the prospect of the family, so won't commit. This is the issue with men who put off settling down for a long time. The dating apps are full of them.

I also suspect he wants a family in the abstract, but the reality is something he's hiding from.

George Clooney got married at 53. Met Amal when he was 52. Twins followed. He was such a commitment-phobe he had a bet with his costars he wouldn't ever get hitched. A bet he ultimately lost.
He had been married previously though for 20 months.
Does your brother look like George Clooney?!

My stepdad was single until his mid 40s and then married my Mum. They've been happy for 20 years.

I don't know many.

I'm not very romantic though and I'd rather have a family with a partner who's a good choice than hold out for a fictional perfection! Plenty of marriages work well despite not starting as obsessive love matches. If he's that sad about it he knows what he needs to do.

Is it so bad to remain single?
I have been happily married for many years, but I often yearn for a single life.

I sometimes catch a glimpse of my next door neighbour and feel a sllght twinge.
He is now in his 70s, but very fit, he has never had a partner and seems to live a very happy life.He travels a lot, hosts friends for lunch very often,often outside in warm weather, with large lunches, ice buckets and pimms.

I would suggest that being single can be a good way to live.

It is this thing of playing the field then "settling down" with someone much younger and becoming the older dad. Having cake and eating it

I'm thinking of the AIBU case of a woman c. 41 with 2kids by a man she met in her 20s who was a recovered addict who has now washed his hands of parenting chores (he's about 68) BC it's "boring"

My family member dated in dribs and drabs. Nothing ever too serious. He’s in his mid 50s now and he’s getting married this year. So it can happen.

What attracted the middle aged washed up mediocre actor to the young, stunningly beautiful, hugely successful and highly achieving international human rights lawyer?

https://www.thebusinesswomanmedia.com/amal-alamuddin-marries-actor/

I think Slate had this headline as well but can't find it

That's great.

I dont believe in 'the one'.

You and your Mum are way over invested in your db love life!

In his 50s plus his priorities will change and his choices will reduce.

If he wants to have biological children he will need to meet someone considerably younger than him now if they are to meet, date and move in together before she gets pregnant. Are his girlfriends young? Is he wealthy/attractive?
My BIL has been single for about 18 years, and is now 45. My MIL lives in constant hope that he will meet a woman who has no kids of her own so he can start a family. He is pretty sad that he hasn’t met anyone, but doesn’t do anything about it.

I have a lovely male friend who got dumped almost at the altar many years ago. Didn’t really date again then finally met someone and married in his sixties. So happy for him, he was very lonely but nothing obviously “wrong “ with him.

Yep, Mrs Merton is in the house!

Love this!! “He’s a bit clingy and said he’s ‘marrying up’”

I was also going to ask if he could be gay or bi? It’s quite common for gay men to date women they can use as beards (cover for hiding homosexuality) if they haven’t come to terms with it.

You know the famous Rumi quote?

Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.

That’s the bottom line here, it’s not that he’s not met the ‘right’ person it’s that he’s can’t love.

I think trauma is a red herring: some people who have been through unimaginable trauma find loving relationships. In him it’s just an excuse to go on not loving.

well you judge wrong! He thought it was hilarious that I was doing it when I spoke to him this afternoon. My love of mumsnet is a family joke . He said maybe he could be a mumsnet experiment and the hive brain could get together to find him true love -

Yes I think this maybe true. I also think he meets someone new, starts to have feelings and then subconsciously stops himself going any further as he sees it as risk. But he doesn’t do it on purpose

I disagree - I met my husband when he was 44 and we have been married 18 years and have 3 children - I accept 44 is younger than "50's" but it is still quite a bit later in life. Men are in that fortunate position where they can easily have a family at that age if they choose a younger partner. I am 13 years younger than my husband.
I also have a friend who met her partner later in life - she was adamant she didn't want children and had been previously married. He had never married and was cleear that he never wanted to. They are now engaged with 5yr old twins - he was 50 when they were born.

Nope this wouldn’t be an issue.

I think the only reason we worry is he genuinely seems sad about it.

I hope your son meets someone.

I am single - but happy with that.

Thank you 😊
we hope he meets someone too! 😊