If you haven’t done it by 50 you never will.

[Wish44]

Morning all,

I have a long standing debate with my mum about my brother -

he is in his 50’s now and has been single since his early twenties. He is nearly always in a casual relationship of some sort and sometimes these relationships last for up to two years. We occasionally meet the women and they always seem lovely. However he will never ever enter a committed relationship with them and the relationships end eventually when the women realise that he is never going to commit. He is honest with them with his words but his actions don’t match so it always takes a while to play out.

His take on this is that he has just never meets the right one and never falls in love, he actually says he is sad about this as he wanted a family. My mum totally believes this and spends her life hoping he will meet the one soon. I think he has problems with commitment and will never do it . He had several traumas in his late teens and one in his early twenties that would cause this.

so I am asking the internet has anyone got any experience of being single for a life time ( though choice) and then finding someone they really click with and fall in love with in later life?

you are being unreasonable- it can take until later life to meet the one.

you are not being reasonable- if you want a committed relationship you can find someone to fall in love with.

I agree it's not great, but he is actually very fit ( body and looks😀) for his age and his wife is early or mid 40s now.

Look up emotionally avoidant attachment styles.

he might say he wants a family, but he is killing very precious time with women that he doesn’t see a future with. My guess would be is he wants a family in the same way I want to be Prime Minister. It’s a nice idea, but not something he is yearning for or desperate to make happen.

he’s saying he wants a family, but the way he is spending his now limited time suggests otherwise

Doesn’t matter how fit they are now, what happens when they are 15 or 16 and they want late night lifts and he’s late 70s

I met my DH when I was in my 30s and he was in his late 40s. We have two DC (adopted after difficulties with several pregnancies). But he'd been in a LDR for some years hoping to commit further but his ex didn't want to.
He'd lived on his own but was a very organised and good housekeeper and an adventurous traveller so I had no doubts about him being adaptable. But there was also the willingness to commit.

My mum and dad met the respective “loves of their lives” post divorce in their 40/50s, but they were married to one another for decades so I suppose it’s different. They did love one another but honestly they’re better as friends. My step dad has no kids and only had one long term relationship before my mum which lasted 3 years, he didn’t think he would ever meet anyone or get married. He’s ben with my mum for like 16 years now I think. From the sounds of it though your brother maybe has some problems that prohibit him from finding real love.

Does he live by himself or with your mum?

i think it’s probably not likely but also not impossible. An aunt (well second aunt) was 60 before she met a man worth sharing a home with.

My uncle married for the first time at 70 and he had never lived with a woman before. He had at least one long term relationship and lots of less longer term ones but had never taken that step. He said after 50 he had loads more opportunities with women as his peers divorced. He married a widow and is now very happy living near his step-grandchildren.

My mum met and fell madly in love with a man in her 60s, she behaved like a teenager in the early days of dating him! Tbf she’d been married twice before for more than a decade each, but I think some people do find it easier to fall in love at any age. I’m very jealous of those people. I’m in my late 30s and my longest relationship is only 4 years. I’m a single mum now and would love to find another partner but I’ve been single for 5 years, lots of dating but I just cannot find anyone I like enough to commit to a relationship. I sometimes wonder if I ever will

Yeah this is a really good point.

I have a friend who's 51 and he would like to marry and have kids (he was previously married for a few years when he was about 40; now divorced).

But it really worries him that, for this kind of future, he'd have to be looking to date a woman who's significantly younger than him. Especially when you consider that you're probably going to need at least a couple of years between first meeting them and starting to try for a family. So is he going to be one of the guys who goes on dating apps looking for a woman 15-20 years younger than him? Not a good look. He's not keen on being that guy. Even if you explain you're hoping to start a family eventually, it's not necessarily very romantic to start off suggesting that you're after a younger woman for breeding purposes. And trying to meet someone organically IRL who's that much younger isn't so easy either.

Not saying that it can't happen or never happens, but it definitely doesn't help your chances.

Your brother is too old to have a family.

I met DH at 39 after being single since my teens! Things moved quickly and it did take some adapting and adjusting but were mostly in a good place.

Some men want to have a wife and children. Some men want to be a husband and father. Sounds like your brother is the former. He is saying he wants a family like people say they want to be thin, but it takes constant work and self improvement and self denial and prioritisation to get there.

Hmm. So am avoidant man in his 50s wants a wife and kids. Except isn’t willing to commit to anyone but strings women along for up to 2 years at a time. Because he hasn’t met “the one”. Ok!

Well if by a family he is looking for his own biological children he is looking for someone 15-20 years younger. What is so great about him that a woman of that age will want to be with someone so much older? Is he financially affluent and able to provide really well? Is he willing to make the necessary lifestyle changes and accommodations that would involve being a committed husband and father?

Do men of that age suddenly meet someone special and settle down to family life, yes occasionally but really edge cases.

Some people dont want marriage.
Im one of them I've never wanted to be married, I also like my own space, so I dont live with anyone.

Maybe he’s happier living on his own. And that’s ok.

Your DB is very happy with his lot. He has a friends and family wrapped around his finger angsting about him - I suspect he loves this attention. He clearly doesn’t want a family. How is he with your DCs - and the DCs of the women he dates?

Leave him to it. And leave your Mum to her pearl clutching - stop putting the emotional energy into this denial nonsense.

He can be saying anything he likes to the two of you.

I have a SIL who is like this, I’m bored of the whining about it and it dominating every family get together after 3 decades.

Just let him get on with it.

It's unlikely he'll get what he wants because he's being a complete headfuck for the women he tolerates whilst waiting for a better offer to come along. And because he's going on about a 'family' without genuinely accepting that the #1 prerequisite for that is a woman that isn't a 'friend', but a partner.

After all, at his age, he's now looking for a significantly younger woman who will find him attractive, enjoy his company, want to be with him, be prepared to tolerate his shit and then, if by some miracle she is prepared to endure the fannying around in the hope that <random celebrity-influencer-Only Fans type> falls at his feet for long enough that he decides he's actually going to honour her with some real human emotion and mutual support, risk getting married and having a kid with him.

There's vaguely, slightly, maybe a chance in a million that he'll get hit by a thunderbolt. But there's even less chance that a woman he feels like that about is going to feel the same about him.

I think he will probably end up surprising you. People love to pigeonhole others, especially when it makes them feel superior to do so.

To be fair op says he usually dates close to his age. But if he wants kids the woman would need to be quite a bit younger than him, I don't think it's lack of emotional maturity to know that! (Unless he'd be happy with step kids, but that can be messy).

I do think he's less likely to find a long term relationship of a family is a criteria at his age though, as not many women wanting kids would be keen to do so with someone in their 50s. I went to a wedding of a 50 yo man who'd never been married before recently, so it certainly happens, but they won't be having a family together, the bride is already a grandmother. So he may need to adjust his expectations.

It does seem like you are making this a bigger problem than it is though, it feels a bit like Bridget Jones when the smug marrieds are pontificating about why there are so many singles. He's obviously fairly happy or he wouldn't have turned down so many chances.

I have 2 old schoolfriends, lovely chaps, well-educated (doctor & structural engineer) who have never married. I also have an old schoolfriend (trading standards officer), who is female and never married.
I assume they just never met anyone that set off the spark.
They have all had relationships at some point, but all single now.
Sometimes it just doesn't happen.
By the same token I knew an absolutely adorable couple, both classical musicians, who didn't meet and marry until in their 50s, so sadly too late for children.

I think there are genuinely a few people out there who just don't meet their person until later in life because they're a little bit different, or that's just how things unfold for them, but I don't think your brother is one of them. Met loads of versions of him!

If there was nothing more complicated going on below the surface then why does he always end up dating women who want more, and who break off with him? It's a pattern.

As he gets older it will be interesting, as I think many older women are happy to have low commitment relationships (don't want to cohabitate or share finances and having kids is off the table). I wonder if he'll start dating these types of women, or continue with women who he can get an emotional kick out of rejecting (even if it is on a subconscious level).

Or will he take a leap with a younger woman, as he feels his youth slipping further away? Who knows!

Your brother seems happy with his life as it is now. Maybe he’ll meet someone or maybe he won’t, but if he does meet someone he likes, isn’t it up to both of them to try and make a go of it. I don’t get why you’re coming online to talk about him in these terms - he’s not hurting you, is he? Also, your mum will be fine. Whatever will be will be.

He's in his 50s. He's too old for a family. Possibly a partner, although it sounds to me as if he's missed the boat for that too.

Some people just aren't the settling down type. There are plenty of divorced people who have found that out the hard way.

I think it's more common than people think for men to be slower to "settle down."

A work colleague of mine got married a couple of weeks ago. She's mid-50s and has been divorced for at least 10 years, with 2 young adult children. He's late 50s, never married, until now.