If you haven’t done it by 50 you never will.

[Wish44]

Morning all,

I have a long standing debate with my mum about my brother -

he is in his 50’s now and has been single since his early twenties. He is nearly always in a casual relationship of some sort and sometimes these relationships last for up to two years. We occasionally meet the women and they always seem lovely. However he will never ever enter a committed relationship with them and the relationships end eventually when the women realise that he is never going to commit. He is honest with them with his words but his actions don’t match so it always takes a while to play out.

His take on this is that he has just never meets the right one and never falls in love, he actually says he is sad about this as he wanted a family. My mum totally believes this and spends her life hoping he will meet the one soon. I think he has problems with commitment and will never do it . He had several traumas in his late teens and one in his early twenties that would cause this.

so I am asking the internet has anyone got any experience of being single for a life time ( though choice) and then finding someone they really click with and fall in love with in later life?

you are being unreasonable- it can take until later life to meet the one.

you are not being reasonable- if you want a committed relationship you can find someone to fall in love with.

Exactly. Saying some people have issues is absolutely fine but to insist anybody long-term single at 50 simply has issues is really such a simplistic way of viewing the world.

"They simply have never met the right person for them. I genuinely don’t see why you find that hard to imagine."

Of course I can imagine not having found the right person. What I'm seeing is a complete reluctance from you to consider the reasons why.

In any case, we're not going to agree and this is not really relevant to OP anyway as her DB does admit he has issues.

Because sometimes there are no reasons beyond the 5 things I mentioned not lining up. It’s that simple for some people and for me that’s all it is. Nothing from childhood. No issues. No deep seated trauma.

Just simply not meeting anybody. The end.

I can absolutely comprehend that some people do have a reason “why” that is more complex than simply not meeting the right person.

I don’t know why you cannot comprehend that for some people it simply is just a case of not meeting the right person.

I don’t think she said her DB has said he has issues. He just said he has not met the right person.

I would guess that for many of us who have seen the emotionally unavailable or emotionally avoidant attachment style we know that they would all say that there is nothing wrong with them- or that the reason they keep cycling the same relationship pattern is luck of the draw.

There may be a few people that things genuinely haven’t lined up for, but in more cases it’s people denying they have a problem.

In the OPs brothers case he is meeting women, deciding they aren’t the one any yet continuing relationships with them, presumably because they feel “safe” because he knows he isn’t actually going to get too attached and therefore hurt. He isn’t the one ending relationships, they are when they finally realising it isn’t going anywhere- in the meantime he is more comfortable in a relationship that he knows isn’t going anywhere than actually looking for love.

Wow after that exchange - I can see exactly why someone is single!

I guess that’s personal experience feeding a bias then.

"I don’t think she said her DB has said he has issues. He just said he has not met the right person."

Yes, he has. He has admitted that something happens at a certain point when the relationship starts to feel serious where he seems to 'go off them'. He knows there's a pattern there and that it's not random.

Didn't one of the 'single from luck' people here post that her father was a narcissistic abuser? That was obviously just a coincidence and wouldn't in any way influence someone's attitude to relationships...

Do you mean me? I’m not single by the way, I’m in a relationship so I’m not sure how that affects your theory. How do you mean that it was a coincidence? Yes my dad was abusive. No, I don’t think anyone who is not in a couple has “issues” that they need to deal with.

So it could be an issue he has not to come to terms with

or

He gets to know them fully and at that point realises they aren’t actually compatible long term.

Either / or.

To be clear I am not saying there can never be an underlying issue.

I am simply challenging the assertion that above a certain age there absolutely must be an issue.

Didn't one of the 'single from luck' people here post that her father was a narcissistic abuser?

I think you possibly made that up.

No I have not met any men who became fathers for the first time over the age of 50.
This may be because less than 1% of men become fathers for the first time past 50.

3 in 1000 for those past 55.

Less than 1% of men become first time fathers past the age of 50.
3 in 1000 for over 55 years.

The idea that there are all these men becoming dads for the first time past 50 is clearly not true.

😂… be careful what you wish for hey

A lot of the older dads I’ve met had older kids and this was a second marriage. Your stats are for first time dads. But the discussion was whether a man in his 50s who is not “exceptional” could meet a woman in his 50s to have kids with and the answer is clearly yes.

Plus it’s also the case that fewer than 5% of people earn more than 100k a year, yet probably about 50% of my social circle does. It depends on what circles you move in and same with the older dads thing.

Yes - I am the one speculating that he has trauma issues / attachment issues or whatever.

my DB says he just hasn’t met the right person !

this is the crux of the debate- I am going to invite you all round next time my family get into it 😁

What's my source? Are you joking here or what.
Are you trying to tell me that women are attracted to men that they find to be ugly, broke, uncharismatic losers?!
I use the word exceptional here to differentiate from the norm.

And yes things like good looks, wealth, charisma, success ARE superficial (as in visible).

Now when you meet somebody for the first time then it is, by definition, superficial qualities that attract you to them and cause you to want you to interact with and get to know them at a deeper level in the first place!

If you do not interact with them on a deeper level there is no relationship to be had!
Then, if you're lucky, they may turn out to be great people. Or not.

Jeez. This is just obvious.

But hideous men with even worse personalities manage to find partners all the time. A lot of women aren’t that picky and can’t afford to be that picky.

I think more and more women are realising that they're happier single than living with a man who "give them the ick", or worse still, one who adds to their workload by doing less housework than he creates.

OK so it's fewer than 5% of the population earning over 100k a year.

Now even if we assume that these are all men-which they're clearly not-but for argument's sake that's
fewer than 1 in 20 men earning over 100k a year.
Correct?

So the dads you meet in your social circle may very well be over 50, however, they are very much exceptional men as fewer than 5% earn over 100k.

This is what I mean when I say they're not average.
That a man who is average doesn't tend to be able to afford to have a second family in his fifties.

Can't you see that a man has to have a certain amount of wealth to do this and that he is not Mr Average at all?

I don’t know many who became first time fathers in their 50s.

I do know loads who started second families in their 50s and few are especially remarkable. And most to women who did not have kids before him.

He needs to have a certain deal of wealth to support a second and a first family well.

But plenty of men create multiple families without being wealthy (largely because they don’t support them very well.)

Yes source.

”Dude, Trust Me” isn’t really something I place faith in. You also changed what I asked.

I feel really sorry for your brother that this is the subject for debate

I know one friend got married late and it was largely due to family pressure, he told us that a few drinks

I thought at the time that that can't be true, but now I see that he really was feeling some pressure! Awful attitude. He's miserable now.

Now assuming these children were planned, of course they're remarkable.

They're remarkable because they can afford to start second families in their fifties without it screwing them up financially.

What percentage of the population of the UK do you think that can do that?

"Bloody few is the answer.

@QuintadosMalvados thanks for your answer by the way

Why do you feel sorry for him? He debates it with us. As I said up thread he found it hilarious when I told him I had started a thread on mumsnet about it.