If you haven’t done it by 50 you never will.

[Wish44]

Morning all,

I have a long standing debate with my mum about my brother -

he is in his 50’s now and has been single since his early twenties. He is nearly always in a casual relationship of some sort and sometimes these relationships last for up to two years. We occasionally meet the women and they always seem lovely. However he will never ever enter a committed relationship with them and the relationships end eventually when the women realise that he is never going to commit. He is honest with them with his words but his actions don’t match so it always takes a while to play out.

His take on this is that he has just never meets the right one and never falls in love, he actually says he is sad about this as he wanted a family. My mum totally believes this and spends her life hoping he will meet the one soon. I think he has problems with commitment and will never do it . He had several traumas in his late teens and one in his early twenties that would cause this.

so I am asking the internet has anyone got any experience of being single for a life time ( though choice) and then finding someone they really click with and fall in love with in later life?

you are being unreasonable- it can take until later life to meet the one.

you are not being reasonable- if you want a committed relationship you can find someone to fall in love with.

And we don’t pressure him at all. Again as I have said I am not married - but am fine with it.we have another sibling who is married and another who is not- they are both happy with that. if he was happy with the situation then it would never come up.

@Wish44 yeah that's exactly what my friend would've done, laughed along and played the role

All the while absorbing the message that there was something wrong with him because he couldn't settle with a woman

So he did... and honesty I think the only reason he hasn't got divorced is because of family judgement

They were in counselling within a year of their fancy wedding

You are not listening- my db says he is unhappy with his singleness. We are not pressuring him to do something he doesn’t want. He wants it - or says he does anyway. So we talk about it as a family. We try and help. We joke about it as well- as does he.

my brother is not your friend.

And like I said I’m single so how could I put pressure on someone else??

Yep my friend "Aunty" (I called her that because she was one of those people you wish you were related to
She died last year so I can say. She was single until her 60s then met back up with a guy she knew from her youth. They married and had 5 wonderful years until he sadly died.

She was completely OK about being on her own, then she met the right guy

Hmm well just thinking of a couple of 50 plus dads I know, neither of them is wealthy and I genuinely wouldn’t say exceptional because they are just ordinary. You don’t need to be wealthy to start a second family. Both of them have wives who work. Their older kids are late teens or early 20s. One of the dads currently has an 8 year old (my DSD’s friend). The other one has a 4 year old and a 7 year old.

I also used to work with a woman who divorced her similar age husband when she was 36 and married someone in his late 60s who might actually fit the definition of exceptional as he ran a multi million pound farming business in east anglia (but didn’t have Clooney’s looks). They had a child and he’s already in his 70s with a five year old. His older children are the same age as his wife. They seem happy.
I also worked with a woman in her mid 30s married to a high court judge in his late 60s and she was younger than her stepchildren. Her husband has now sadly died. They didn’t have any kids but were really happy.

he can't be that unhappy.

its not for you or his mother to fix his levels of happiness. Nor to occupy your emotional energy worrying about something you have no power to change.

you aren't in a position to pick a suitable partner who will make him happy.

with these things being the case, he will just have to live in a state of acceptance that he may not find the right person.

My uncle married at 54 - can't say I know much about his courtship (he married privately too) - he was a unique kind of individual, lived like a hermit - but the woman he married was a beautiful soul with the patience of a saint. They had three kids - he died when he was mid 80s from cancer.

Out of the 3 examples you give here, you must see that a multi-millionaire and a high court judge are very much exceptional men?

Maybe part of the problem here is that when I say Mr Average here I really do mean that.
You say the first man is not wealthy but even if he 'only' earns 80k a year that makes him way above average.

No he is not that unhappy. But he would like a partner - and this thread is a debate about why he doesn’t have one.

really it’s not up to me and my mum to fix? I had no idea!

Yes I said they are exceptional. But the first two I mentioned aren’t. Maybe the OP’s brother is financially solvent and educated and a nice person and is “above average” too.

Yes this is true but an exceptional man over 50 can very much be picky and he will be able to choose the best out of a range of attractive women.

I also suppose that at the bottom of the social scale there are men over 50 having kids with women younger than them because if he's unemployed and never has any intention to work he doesn't have to pay.
Yet he is still exceptional IYSWIM and to be frank your average supermodel is probably not gonna want to mate with him and he won't ever meet them anyway as proximity matters too.

I stand by my point that Mr Average does very much not become a father after 50.

Yes maybe he is.
I don't want to argue about this any more. Sorry it's not personal but I do think that it's pretty obvious that it is far from the norm for men over 50 to become fathers full stop-first time, second time, whatever.

And the ones that 'do' are usually far from average.
Like I said, I use the word exceptional to mean not usual, not good or bad.
For example, an underclass male can have kids over 50 with impunity because he's not paying, the taxpayer is.

I say sorry because you're engaging with me and I see it as as sort of rude to back out but I've exhausted this now.

My brother is in his 40s and has had the odd casual relationship but has not met anyone either. My mum goes on about it, but from my point of view it's because he is too set in his ways. He is selfish and I don't think he is really that interested in meeting anyone to be with long term. He was going to meet a woman several years ago, but as soon as she said she had two children he said he wasn't interested in dating anyone with children already. Fair enough. I would feel the same.

You just have to leave him to it OP. I have accepted I will never get any nieces or nephews from my side of the family!

You need to stop talking as a family then and encourage him to get therapy. He needs to explore and understand his attachment issues. The fact he is continuing relationships with women he sees no future with is a big red flag for me.

You’re less likely to find someone when you’re in a relationship, because you stop looking. He is actively sabotaging his chances of what he says he wants. He needs to unpick whether he does genuinely want these things and if he does why he is sabotaging it.

well meaning family chat will not help with this.

But you know why he doesn’t have one as you have said in your earlier posts that he sabotages all relationships at the beginning by finding something trivial about them to dislike that grows in his head - and he tells them upfront he is not into them.

This might be because he is afraid of his own failure and own imperfections so picks on the perceived flaws he sees in others to point the finger, project and halt the development of a relationship which would in any emotional intimate interaction be exposed, revealed, explored. Seems that maybe being emotionally open and honest is a huge threat to him. Is he accountable to himself or defensive? This is what ChatGPT says about “dismissive avoidants” - is anything relevant?

Dismissive-avoidant attachment is a pattern of relating to others where a person tends to prioritize independence and emotional distance over closeness. It’s one of the main styles identified in about:blank Attachment theory, originally developed by about:blank John Bowlby and later expanded by about:blank Mary Ainsworth.

What it looks like

People with dismissive-avoidant attachment often:

• Downplay the importance of relationships
• Feel uncomfortable with emotional intimacy
• Avoid relying on others (and dislike others relying on them)
• Suppress or disconnect from their own emotions
• Appear very self-sufficient or “fine on their own”
• Pull away when relationships get too close or intense

Where it comes from

This pattern usually develops early in life when:

• Caregivers were emotionally unavailable, distant, or dismissive
• A child learned that expressing needs didn’t lead to comfort or support
• Independence was rewarded, but vulnerability was ignored or discouraged

So the child adapts by thinking:

“I can only rely on myself.”

How it shows up in relationships

In adult relationships, it can look like:

• Avoiding deep conversations or emotional topics
• Needing lots of space, sometimes suddenly
• Feeling “trapped” when someone gets too close
• Minimizing problems instead of addressing them
• Being drawn to partners who want more closeness (which can create push–pull dynamics)

Strengths (yes, there are some)

This style isn’t all negative:

• Strong independence
• Ability to stay calm under pressure
• Less likely to become emotionally overwhelmed
• Often highly self-reliant and capable

Challenges

• Difficulty forming deep emotional bonds
• Partners may feel rejected or unimportant
• Emotional needs go unrecognized—even internally
• Conflict tends to be avoided rather than resolved

Can it change?

Yes. Attachment styles are not fixed.

People can move toward secure attachment by:

• Becoming more aware of their emotional patterns
• Practicing vulnerability in small, safe ways
• Learning to tolerate closeness without shutting down
• Working with a therapist (especially in relational or attachment-based therapy)