If you haven’t done it by 50 you never will.

[Wish44]

Morning all,

I have a long standing debate with my mum about my brother -

he is in his 50’s now and has been single since his early twenties. He is nearly always in a casual relationship of some sort and sometimes these relationships last for up to two years. We occasionally meet the women and they always seem lovely. However he will never ever enter a committed relationship with them and the relationships end eventually when the women realise that he is never going to commit. He is honest with them with his words but his actions don’t match so it always takes a while to play out.

His take on this is that he has just never meets the right one and never falls in love, he actually says he is sad about this as he wanted a family. My mum totally believes this and spends her life hoping he will meet the one soon. I think he has problems with commitment and will never do it . He had several traumas in his late teens and one in his early twenties that would cause this.

so I am asking the internet has anyone got any experience of being single for a life time ( though choice) and then finding someone they really click with and fall in love with in later life?

you are being unreasonable- it can take until later life to meet the one.

you are not being reasonable- if you want a committed relationship you can find someone to fall in love with.

Sorry but in what way has he “missed the boat” for a partner?

That's incredibly selfish. And I know someone in his 60s with toddler children. He's on his knees with it and in all likelihood will be gone before they're 20.

Very sad.

In that he's had lots of girlfriends but just doesn't fall in love. Plenty of time for it, but it sounds as if he blocks it emotionally.

No judgement about it. I've got a block on emotional involvement. But it's better to be honest with yourself about it. Never falling in love with anyone and still believing you want a partner and a family is delusional.

Does he mean he wants a family or is he saying this to appease his Mum?
I am generally of the opinion that if you REALLY want to do something in your life then, in general, you will find a way to make it happen.

Reverse that.

Anyone else is going to find him very difficult to live with because he'll be so set in his ways.

That said I do know a lovely couple who met post 50. They decided to actively not move in together and instead retain their own spaces whilst cohabiting part time.

I think he has some work to do around understanding unlived lives - how when we make one choice and open one door, other doors for what could have been have to close.

It's important that he understand the good reasons he chose this path so that he doesn't get bogged down in regret. Some good parts are he has never had to share his finances which gave him economic freedom, his choice not to commit means he has spent time with lots of amazing people and have fun life experience, but I'm sure he can think of others.

The main thing is he has a core belief that there is a 'one' out there for him, and he cannot settle for less that the one. This is a romantic idea, and many of us decided that we were willing to compromise and accept everyone is flawed, and work together on compromise. Your DB needs to ask himself if he could ever get to that mindset. Could he list out non-negotiables and negotiables, and approch it like a job application where he dayes people who meet the 'essential' criteria and can learn to navigate the absence of desirable ones?

Maybe not, in which case he can say 'in my quest to meet 'the one' I accept I may never find her, but I still think it was worth trying'

I agree that he may meet an older divorcee / widow with her own DC who has zero interest in merging her money, household etc and it suits her to have a boyfriend for dates, holidays, events. Both would then bring the same upfront, low commitment energy to the relationship and are clear on boundaries / expectations etc.

I don't know. After 2 long term relationships, I spend a lot my 30s single.

I dated lots and enjoyed it but nothing ever seem fully right. I had loads of people telling me I was too fussy and that I was looking for something that didn't exist or seeking perfection.

In my late 30s, I met someone that was right, everything was easy and we just clicked. Bf had been single a lot longer than me and also had people telling him he needed to settle down etc.

How about giving him some credit for knowing his own mine and not settling due to societial pressure.

He's not stupid. It's not like he doesn't meet women or stuggles with dating. He knows what he wants and prefers to keep looking rather than settling just for the sake of it.

It's his life and his choice.

I had a relative in an almost identical situation. She had a demanding career in a male-dominated field and didn’t marry (or have any partners who I knew about) until her 50s when she met a widower and later married him. They were together until he died, by which time she was also in her final years.

Don't have the experience of settling down later in life as such (however, one that does sprig to mind is George Clooney 😂), however I can see where your brother is coming from.

I'm late 30s and frankly I haven't been with anyone where being with that person doesn't feel like 'settling for less'. It's not that I am looking for something crazy, it's more that I am hypercritical of people and if they make my life more draining rathern than easier and better, I keep them at arm's length. I don't really fall in love.

I did fall in love in my very early 20s and he seemed like the perfect match, for many many years I thought he was 'the one' while being with other people, and almost chasing that feeling of what being with him felt like.

It's also not that I date 'below par' men. A few examples of relationships or potential relationships I've pulled out of:

• MP - super interesting person but thought he had mental health and substance abuse issues
• CEO of a household name company - likewise, substance abuse and extreme levels of stress/unhappiness
• Premier League footballer - extremely attention-seeking, lifestyle revolved around parties, women, alcohol
• Model - very good-looking but also very insecure, lacking direction in life
• Tech guy - unconcerned with external presentation or social grace, extremely matter-of-fact, antisocial
• 'Normal' guy - again, antisocial, thinking of anything like a day out or trip to another city as a big deal
• Guy from work - life revolved around drinking and football, social life heavily revolved around seeing his family
• Another guy from work - focused on his own career progression and having an easy life, often complaining, no real thought about wider social issues or problems of the world

As you can see, I am able to find something wrong with absolutely everyone, whereas I am sure many women would find these men quite dateable, especially the higher income ones.

Or perhaps I attract difficult personalities and they are single for a reason, who knows.

What would I like? I'd like someone established in what they are doing, perhaps an artist, scientist or writer, or another profession that revolves more around their purpose and less around making money, that has a calm, thoughtful nature and curiosity about the world, broad range of topics etc...

Would I find that? Maybe, but not easy. My first thoughts upon meeting somebody is usually outlining what is wrong with them - unless it's attraction at first sight, which is extremely rare.

I don't mind if I stay single-ish for life with a string of short relationships, a bit like your brother, as long as I am true to myself and happier outside a relationship than in one. Being in a relationship is not a goal in itself for me.

At this stage of life I feel like I can relate strongly to the 'eternal bachelor' lifestyle. I do need connection and intimacy, but I am unwilling to commit to something/ someone that negatively disrupts a lifestyle that works well for me and isn't aligned with my identity and choices.

Apologies if that's not what you were looking for on here, but perhaps this helps you understand your brother's mind better.

My ( male ) friend from late teens/ early 30s is 57. He has never been married. He had a few girlfriends over the years. Even after they split up no one had a bad word to say about him.

FIve years ago he started going out with a woman in her mid 20s. They didn't pursue each other but met each other from a pub circle of friends. The friendship was a slow burner that turned romantic. They now have a seven month old son and are getting married in August.
Even after 5 years, when the honeymoon period is over they are both smitten with each other.

This an interesting hypothesis. My DB is 48 and currently single (never married and no children). Plenty of relationships that all seem to fizzle out around 2-3 years or less. I think he is nit-picky and has a controlling personality which doesn’t help. He enjoys the honeymoon phase and then his boredom kicks in and he looks for faults in the relationships. Some of his exes have been absolutely lovely. Nice families. Parents all get on well etc.

He has now found himself an overseas girlfriend who he’s been visiting and conversing with for a couple of years now. They finally sorted out her visa (3 yr visa) and she is now living with him. They have discussed marriage in the future and he has agreed to one child (how mature of him😂). She is about 33yo.

Am I being unreasonable to tell him to quit wasting her time if he’s still messing her around in about 18 months time/not committing to a marriage? It annoys the hell out of me when I see women who waste their child-bearing years on a guy who future fakes or is just “not sure she’s the one”. I’m a firm believer that you know pretty quickly if you can see yourself marrying someone and having children with them, especially if you’re living together.

It feels unlikely at this point. He’s been a commitment phobe for decades and has little insight into his situation. Does he live with your parents still? Not much is talked about male fertility but it does deteriorate over time. Would a woman in her early or mid 30’s be interested in a man in his 50’s who has had no serious relationship and describes his girl friends as “friends”? The reason why l say woman of this age is their most likely better fertility will help offset his most likely impaired fertility. That’s before you even get to the compromise that long term relationships and parenthood require etc

@ElleintheWoods I can totally relate to this and was the exact same until I met someone.

It baffles me that so many people are uncomfortable with people making their own choices and not settling until they find what works for them.

A good relationship is far better thsn one just for the sake of it.

Oh that's just stringing them along. Is he actually um intimate with them?

If he wants his own children (and doesn't want to be a step dad) then by definition he will have to meet a woman, 20 or so years younger than him.

Unless he is successful, handsome, charming and waa-ay above average it is unlikely that this will happen.

It sounds like he has an avoidant/dismissive attachment style, which is usually created in childhood/through trauma.

If he’s desperate for a family, then therapy can apparently help a lot.

Just recognising your issue and learning about it more can really help.

I think it’s definitely possible to find love later on in life but having a family may be more challenging.

If he doesn’t get to the bottom of his issues though he will struggle to find anyone long term.

If you are close, then I would encourage him to research it more and then find a therapist.

Chatgpt is actually wonderful for talking through things.
It isn’t always accurate and so he needs to look things up himself but once he recognises that he may have an actual issue that’s not his fault, then he may be more open to counselling.

Well my ex boyfriend was 51 and wanted kids. His house and lifestyle suggested otherwise though. Maybe he wanted them like as you say you want a pet. Which he also didn’t have or want.

Oh yes, forgot to add, the 2-year cycle sounds very familiar. I need growth/change in everything I do about every 2 years. Lots of career growth and changes, lots of moving countries, hobbies/ interests always changing etc. Feel like it'll be difficult staying with one person and finding growth in that every 2 years, especially fi you do not want marriage and children. It feels like standings still, stagnating, I need to reinvent myself constantly, "I have to change to stay the same". In all honesty that probably includes change of partner.

So again, your brother may feel similar. I heard the term 'growth addict' recently and it definitely hit home.

Have you had a serious talk with him OP? Has your mum? Or do you both just skirt around the issue. It’s fine if you’re single and don’t want kids nor dating as some men I know do.

One of my friends met her DH when he was 53, he’d never been married before. They are married now with a 15 year old and seem very happy.

Absolutely this!!

I wish more people stayed single until they met the right one than getting with anyone just because they feel they have to.

Fortunately, the new generations are much more likely to stay single for longer and there is less judgement about being single.

I almost dated a model who got into it by accident. Went on one date but then freaked out that he’d be after other pretty women. He was actually a lovely, modest guy. Not outgoing too much but enough for the schmoozing and red carpet events. He’s still single in his late 40s/50 I forget his age. Still models part time but work dried up so got job in factory.

It strikes me that you repeatedly choose relationships with addicts. Do / did you have your own subs abuse issues? Or was there an alcoholic or difficult parent in your childhood - in that maybe their emotional unavailability and your understandable emotional chasing experienced in your childhood is being re-enacted each time.

Your ideal person seems very different socially to the social life choices you and your previous boyfriends have chosen.

I know someone like this and the poor child is now a young carer.

Their dad will likely die and at the very least be in a care home before they finish secondary school.