Would you forgive a mother-in-law after upsetting behaviour with your newborn?

[Bubblebabynewmum]

Sorry this is probably going to be a long post. I'm a new mum they are just over a month old now. We had a really bad pregnancy and birth and was in hospital for the first 2 weeks after birth. We didnt tell anyone about the birth untill the next day as it was very overwhelming and has some complications. Mother in law wasnt happy she wasnt told on the day and didn't talk to us for the whole time we was in hospital. When we got home we asked for a few days to settle in she didnt listen and came round without telling us ( we had be home less than a hour). She held the baby and wouldn't give them back when we asked. She kissed the baby even though we asked her not to. Our last straw was when she was holding our baby and said she wants to hurt them to make them cry because they don't do anything they just lie there and do nothing. Obviously this really upset me and hurt me and we have gone no contact for now. My question is would you forgive her?

I was thinking it wasn’t a big deal until I read the part about wishing to hurt your baby! That’s awful, I really wouldn’t let that woman around any defenceless child! What a horrible thing to say, is she unwell? I can’t imagine a sane person saying such awful words m.

I didnt know about the cake until it was already cut. She was made to leave the wedding early so we didnt just do nothing but theyn the family turned on us saying we didnt have to make a big deal about it. My husbands sister has fell out with him because we have gone none contact for now. So whenever we do make a stand it gets turned on us. I just wanted some opinions incase I was being to sensitive.

If you are still under your health visitor next time they visit tell her that your MIL has stated she wants to hurt the baby but DH still wants MIL to have contact with the baby and you are not happy about it, but not sure how to handle the situation. Then sit back and watch as HV sets DH straight.

YANBU - she sounds horrific

I mean when people tap on the glass at the zoo to make the animals do something you think they are a dick. This is a newborn baby, they don’t exist to entertain in-laws.

She sounds like a ducking psycho.

Tell your DH its not up to you or him to "sort it out" i have a similar problem with DH wanting to fix things with his parents over things they have done and said and have no interest in apologising for or correcting behaviour. More than happy to "sort it out" when they do the work. Until then, I just won't be around them, and my children won't be around them without me present. He can visit them though, that's up to him. But I hold boundaries.

She owes you an admission of what she's done, an understanding of how that made you feel, an apology, and a promise to behave appropriately moving forward. Without those things there is nothing you can do to "sort it out"

Wow. Sorry for what I'm about to write as you are new mum with a newborn so you must be exhausted, but I have to be blunt. You are dealing with psychopathic narcissist who'll ruin your life if you don't stop her NOW. She obviously has 'main character' syndrome and will overtake and ruin every moment of your motherhood and marriage. She's manipulating you all with tears.
Act now or prepare for the worst.

its the old story. When someone tells you who they are, believe them the first time....which it seems you did not. I would definitely cut her off, at least for now, and if the family kick up, then I'd assume that they are under her control and at least be careful about them too. Oh and would I forgive? Not until hell freezes over.

Overbearing disrespectful woman. There are some people who you have to be quite rude to in order to get them to listen. I suspect she is one of them.

Your MiL sounds like a narcissist in a family full of enablers.

The comment about hurting the baby, I can just about imagine someone saying this as a joke - but combined with all the other surrounding behaviour of having no boundaries and being totally selfish makes it unsettling.

Your DH has been conditioned to think her behaviour always needs to be forgiven. He can keep seeing her if he wants but you don’t need to agree to allow this woman around your DC.

And this is what they do. The minute you raise a complaint they turn on you. They punish you.
under these circumstances it becomes easier just to let them do whatever they want.
unfortunately if you don’t make a stand the behaviour will continue and escalate. Your resentment will build and it will put pressure on your relationship with your DH. He has learnt not to rock the boat. Notice how when you stand up for yourselves they turn as a pack on you.
its batshit- who has someone else cut their cake at their wedding?
anyone in your position would complain. Clearly the cake is to be cut by the couple getting married!
well done for standing up to them. You need to remain a united front.

The other behaviours were bad. But wanting to hurt your baby so they cry- wtf

your h must have a very messed up childhood

keep her away. Ignore the extended family. They are enabling her

Fucking psychopath wouldn’t be allowed anywhere near my child again.

You need to start with your husband. Tell him that there is no way you want his mother to be around your baby, and you don't want to see her again.
Let him know that's it entirely his decision whether he sees her or not (I strongly advise you not to persuade him to go no contact. It needs to be his own decision. He is weak, she is manipulative and you will get the blame) But be very clear she mustn't visit your home when you and the baby are there.
The compromise if he struggles with this is that you wont stand in his way of him visiting her if he chooses. Though not with the baby for the foreseeable future.

@Bubblebabynewmum Maya Angelou said “when someone tells you who they are, believe them the first time.” Never, ever leave your child unsupervised with this deranged woman. I would grey rock the fuck out of her. Ignore phone calls, don’t reply to texts, be out when she comes around, be too busy to see her. Always x

She didnt let us have a first dance at our wedding and we couldn't cut our wedding cake she had to do it because shes the one that made it.

There is something wrong with your DH. Why didn't he speak up?

That was my thought also. MIL sounds awful but OP and her DH are a couple of wet wipes!

A perfectly lucid, professional great aunt in her 60's recently suggested that she'd like to see how her new born nephew would react to a monster munch crisp.
She had to be told absolutely not and I genuinely think there was some sort of disconnect like she didn't think he was real
You need to agree a joint response with your partner and stick to it.

I imagine she's not actually deranged -- I think she's just someone who can't cope with not being the centre of attention, or having an impact on someone (which fits with what you say about her other behaviours), so holding a sleeping or just placid baby who's not bothered about her is somehow triggering for her because she's not getting a reaction. Hence the desire to do something to alert the baby to her presence.

DH's mother has a weird habit around babies of clicking her fingers endlessly right in front of the baby's eyes because 'they love that, babies'. Of course they don't love it, it irritates or frightens them because someone is clicking their fingers right up an inch from their eyes.

But I think it comes from the same impulse, an inability to tolerate being overlooked, and that a baby might not react to her.

We have stood up to her me more than my husband but then it just gets turned around and I'm then the bad person for making my mother in law cry and my husband gets called a bad son .

Yanbu.
Tell your health visitor.
Tell your GP.
Have it noted.

She sounds like a narcissistic witch.

You both sound unbelievably passive.
You need to protect your child and send him back to live with his mother if he is too scared to put his child first.

What a psycho! She sounds like a dangerous narcissist! Stay no contact!

She sounds horrific, what on was your husband's childhood like? It seems as if she views him as her property rather than an independant adult. Sometimes I think the MIL posts on here are a bit intolerant but this woman needs to be kept away from your baby. She is not interfering and fussy, she is attention seeking and downright nasty. You need time and space to settle with your baby and that is the last thing you are going to get with this person around.

OP I often read posts were the DIL is thre unreasonable one but wow your MIL is nuts. I wouldn't let anyone including my own mother near my baby if they threatened to hurt them. Her behaviour at your wedding is unhinged to. Your dh will have grown up bring normalised to this behaviour. Its not normal ita crazy.

This isn't a situation that can be sorted out!

You need to make it absolutely clear to your husband that she is NEVER to hold your baby again. Not even supervised - it's the work of an instant to do real harm to a newborn.

As others have said, you and your DH are responsible for a vulnerable new life now - you need to grow up and take charge.

If in doubt, discuss with your Community midwife or GP, I can assure you they will take it seriously.

Someone in the family has to stand up to this woman. Let it be you. She'd be nowhere near my baby after saying that.