Would you forgive a mother-in-law after upsetting behaviour with your newborn?

[Bubblebabynewmum]

Sorry this is probably going to be a long post. I'm a new mum they are just over a month old now. We had a really bad pregnancy and birth and was in hospital for the first 2 weeks after birth. We didnt tell anyone about the birth untill the next day as it was very overwhelming and has some complications. Mother in law wasnt happy she wasnt told on the day and didn't talk to us for the whole time we was in hospital. When we got home we asked for a few days to settle in she didnt listen and came round without telling us ( we had be home less than a hour). She held the baby and wouldn't give them back when we asked. She kissed the baby even though we asked her not to. Our last straw was when she was holding our baby and said she wants to hurt them to make them cry because they don't do anything they just lie there and do nothing. Obviously this really upset me and hurt me and we have gone no contact for now. My question is would you forgive her?

Or male.

Ha. The last thing I can be accused of is being anti MiL. I'm a MiL three times over and on most MiL threads I'm actually calling out the ageism and hostility directed at MiL which I agree can be prevalent on here.
In fact I opened the thread expecting to be defending the MiL. But, come on...
What she said was well beyond the boundaries of normal, because it takes a strange mind to look at a tiny newborn and even think about hurting them, doesn't it? You can't judge this frankly weird stranger by the criteria you'd apply to 'normal' grandmas.

Just to answer some questions.
Sorry if how I have written things don't make sense im very exhausted and under a lot of stress at the moment. I am only talking about one baby. We went to the hospital at around 8pm there was a lot of complications and baby was born after 11pm. Obviously we hardly had any sleep and by the time things settled down and we had a rest it was lunch time the next day when we told everyone. We facetime both sets of parents at the same time so they both found out the same time. Mother in law wasnt happy and wanted to come to the hospital right there and then we said we didnt want anyone visiting right now but offered visits in a few days time when we knew more what was happening. It was planned that she was visiting when baby was 4 days old but then i needed emergency surgery . Since then she has not been happy refused to Visit until she turned up uninvited.
We have tried to be understanding but we have gone through a rough time and are obviously exhausted. I have definitely stood up to her and would never let her or anyone else harm my child. My child was taken from her straight away as soon as she said what she said.

I know I can take things to heart sometimes and just wanted other opinions to see if I was being over sensitive or if anyone any other point of view before I made any further decisions.

No contact at least until your child is old enough to tell you if MIL does anything weird when you aren't looking. If you don't do this you will be saying that you WANT your child to be abused.

Is Zatny the mother in law herself?! Surely the only explanation.

Even if it was a “joke” it’s not worth the risk that it wasn’t.

Who in their right mind and of reasonable maturity says this though? A person of reasonable maturity would not say this even in joking so that leaves the other explanation that she is really not right mentally.

I hope it was a really terrible joke about wanting to hurt your baby, otherwise I would be keeping my distance.
All of the other things you mention, sounds like she’s a troubled, interfering lady. I can understand why she was upset not to be told on the day your baby was born, but understand why you didn’t tell her.
Your dp needs to set very clear boundaries going forward.

Tell your SIL that you are not standing for her behaviour anymore not matter how much the family try to shame you. That you had just been through a traumatic medical experience and MIL first words once to threaten to hurt your baby. she’s lucky you haven’t rang the police

if they don’t speak to you it’s not much of a loss.

your MIL has held too much power in her family. Now that power is shifting. You are the mother of your child. Nobody else is

and nobody dares threaten you or your baby

No chance would she be around me or my baby for a very long time. Narcissistic witch.

The only reason anyone should insist on visiting immediately is to cook some meals for you to have in days to come whilst you are recovering from the surgery.
Anything else is too narcissist behaviour.

You are not wrong for thinking she overstepped decency, one time too many.

Your MIL has main character disorder and you are not her therapy. Be careful as their main tactic is gaslighting. Doing miniscule provocations and then ridiculing you for reacting. Until you question everything and lose your life energy and mind.
Sorry you have to deal with all of this when you should be resting and recovering from complications. All the best to you and your baby.

To completely override your request for no visitors by your mil is absolutely overstepping and abusive in my opinion.

Stick to your resolve. I would actually go completely NC, she is behaving terribly and with no thought to your wellbeing. Have you any idea why she might be like this? Has your husband any idea why she might act in this way?

Would I forgive her ? No and I would be reporting her to social services

My grandmother used to nip babies coz she like to hear them cry. She was perfectly fine in other ways and didn't use violence either physical or mental once they got a bit more noisy.

We only saw her once a month or so.

This is a long time ago.

Ihink I'd have gone no contact with my DM if she'd nipped my DC.

I’d have stopped speaking to her the wedding stuff!!!

I would let your husband know you are done with her. If he wants a relationship then he can away from your home. But you and your child will not be around her.

No. She not only trampled across any boundaries you put into place but has also has clearly said she wants to be physically abusive towards your baby, that’s a safeguarding issue and your job as that baby’s parents is to protect them. Absolutely not.

She was perfectly fine in other ways and didn't use violence either physical or mental once they got a bit more noisy

Well that makes it all okay then…🙄

Honestly I would go NC with her and the whole side of the family who support her bullshit, they sound toxic.
My fil mothers side was like this, he had an argument with her, they would all support her, even though she stole money from her own son. He ended up not speaking to her side of the family ever again, they were honestly the worst most bitter people not worth bothering with.
Time to put on your big girl boots now, your a mother and need to stand up for yourself and your child, if your dh still wants to see her that's up to him but you don't need to.

This behaviour doesn’t sound normal. At all. What a horrible thing to say.
You protect your newborn by keeping her well away.minimal contact.

Had to read that a few times to make sure I got it right. She said she wanted to HURT your baby? She would never be any where near us again. Unhinged and possibly mentally unwell

She sounds unhinged. I absolutely wouldn't be anywhere near her for the foreseeable future (ideally ever). Enjoy your lovely baby. It sounds like you've been through a really difficult time & you deserve, and need, peace and time to recover & build some bonds just the three of you.
As for nut job MIL I'd just leave her to stew. Your husband can relay that you need time just the three of you & that her behaviour & comments were appalling. Hopefully she'll bugger off once she realises this is your baby & she doesn't get to dictate.

I know I can take things to heart sometimes and just wanted other opinions to see if I was being over sensitive or if anyone any other point of view before I made any further decisions.

@Bubblebabynewmum you are definitely not being over-sensitive - it's not just me, virtually every poster on here is telling you the same thing.
You would be justified in telling your husband you want nothing more to do with her and you won't allow the baby anywhere near her.

@Bubblebabynewmum
She's got no right to be so grabby, pushy and wanting to "hurt" your baby so possibly she's mentally unstable
Don't let her near him
If she's a doorkey get it back
No excuses no forgiveness
She doesn't sound "right "
Seeing trump in a dress......

Sorry, my sarcasm was too subtle. But she was generally ok... As I said if my DM had done the same we'd have been no contact

This.
For God’s sake if you won’t grow a back bone and stick up for yourselves at least advocate for your newborn who only has you to stick up for it. Do not leave this narcissistic unhinged woman with violent thoughts alone with your child, she sounds extremely volatile and will likely create a crisis so the attention is on her. You will probably be tempted to let her look after the child to get a break, but I would personally not allow her alone in a room with him or her.

This is incredibly bizarre. Id take a massive step back, no first dance and cutting your wedding cake?! Wow. You could also both work on your assertiveness.