Would you forgive a mother-in-law after upsetting behaviour with your newborn?

[Bubblebabynewmum]

Sorry this is probably going to be a long post. I'm a new mum they are just over a month old now. We had a really bad pregnancy and birth and was in hospital for the first 2 weeks after birth. We didnt tell anyone about the birth untill the next day as it was very overwhelming and has some complications. Mother in law wasnt happy she wasnt told on the day and didn't talk to us for the whole time we was in hospital. When we got home we asked for a few days to settle in she didnt listen and came round without telling us ( we had be home less than a hour). She held the baby and wouldn't give them back when we asked. She kissed the baby even though we asked her not to. Our last straw was when she was holding our baby and said she wants to hurt them to make them cry because they don't do anything they just lie there and do nothing. Obviously this really upset me and hurt me and we have gone no contact for now. My question is would you forgive her?

I'd have gone NC after the wedding.
Her behaviour is extremely concerning and she should never be alone with your child.
If your DH wants to continue his relationship with her he can do so outside your home.

You need to be much more assertive so she is in no doubt what is acceptable.

No deffo not if she wants to hurt the baby

Honestly op don’t stress too much about that side of the family treating you like the bad person. It’s pretty obvious that no matter what you do they will turn it round on you. So just decide your boundaries and stick to them. If they start just grey rock them. Their opinion of you is irrelevant. After a while it’ll get easier x congratulations on your baby x

I was astounded by what you said about the wedding cake and first dance! She sounds absolutely dreadful. Even if it was a joke about hurting the baby, she is clearly a very unpleasant, domineering woman, who has control over her whole family. Your husband needs to understand that his loyalty to you and your child trumps that to his mother, and if given the choice he ought to side with you. You are not being unreasonable about any of this - the whole of his family is. I would cut them off if possible, and tell your husband why. Her tears are just manipulation. If he still doesn't get it, get him to read this thread.

Oh give over. I've said before 'he's so cute I could eat him up'. I'm not actually going to eat him!!!

I'm fairly chilled out as a parent but, hell to the no. I wouldn't let this woman within 5 miles of my child. If she lived within that, I'd move and not tell her where.
Ignoring Boundaries is one problem, the "joke" comment is absolutely disturbing.
Keep her the hell away from your child.

All of that is terrible and boundary stomping enough but this

Our last straw was when she was holding our baby and said she wants to hurt them to make them cry

That's chilling and abusive.

She wants to hurt your baby so they will react to her. She's likely got a Personality Disorder. Keep her away from you and your baby completely. No contact is in the best interests of your baby's welfare.

No parent jokes about hurting a baby. She was telling you she wants to abuse your baby to get the baby to react to her.

She cut the wedding cake because she made it??? My days, think yourself lucky she didn't make the dress or you'd have caused a right stir if she'd worn that too.
YANBU, your baby, your rules, your boundaries.
Seems to me though that your hubby is now a dad and needs to start manning up a bit. He ahould have told her you'd said no visitors, he should have said you wanted the baby back, he should have said what the hell are you talking about, you want to hurt the baby, he should have said you need to go, goodbye.
If and when you, as a family, have anything to do with her again he needs to be firmly in your camp. Otherwise you and the baby are in one family and he is back in hers.
Can't get over the idea of a wedding photo of her cutting her cake, sorry....massively off topic 😂

Pause

and just for one minute read the behaviour of this woman in the past and prior to the “joke”

Is that how you’d behave? Do you relate to the mil?

I should get a restraining order, I don't know about ' FORGIVE' ......SHE just threatened you hurt your BABY £.£.$...!!!!!!!!!

I still don’t understand how you never had a first dance at your wedding @Bubblebabynewmum. The cake, fine, she walked over and cut it before anyone knew what was happening. But your dance? It was literally your wedding - you walk over to the MC/DJ/band and tell them it’s first dance time, or get someone in the wedding party to do it, or your own parents. How on earth did one woman stop that?

You guys really do sound like you let her do whatever she wants and now you’re surprised that she is doing over the baby as well. Start standing up to her.

She sounds dreadfully selfish and immature. Seems like she got her nose seriously out of joint with your requests. I would worry that she wouldn't follow my rules with things like car seats avd food just to annoy. You would be justified in not allowing her to be alone with baby.

No, I wouldn’t. This is your first baby and she stole this experience from you both. Even though it wasn’t an ideal start, you should be safe in your own home. She made herself into an intruder and acted like she had possession over your child and your space. I would never let her near me or mine again.

Many years ago people would say "shall i pinch the baby" because they wanted to see their eyes open. Nobody absolutely nobody actually pinched a baby. I am sure your MIL would never harm the baby.By not telling family the baby had been born until the next day has upset her. A text takes 5 seconds but you both choose not to inform her therefore telling her she wasn't important enough to be told. You reap what you sow and in a few short months when you are desperate for help she may just not bother. And yes she was wrong for appearing within an hour of you being home.

I don't think you're being over-sensitive. I think the 'hurt the baby' comment was probably a clumsy joke but the rest of her behaviour was unreasonable. Don't let yourselves be manipulated by her tears and tell anyone else with an opinion that they can either respect your wishes or stay away as well.

Oh, I would sort it out with her.

I would tell her exactly how her behaviour now means you will NEVER trust her with your child.
She has suggested hurting your child- this alone is enough.
She has no respect for your feelings- you were vulnerable, your DH was vulnerable too because I have no doubt he was terrified in these circumstances too.
This is your baby, your choice, your life and she has disrespected this in the past, she will not change.

If she genuinely accepts and apologises (pigs might fly) then I would go low contact.

However…..
I would NEVER forget
I would NEVER forgive
I would NEVER EVER leave my child alone with this hideous excuse of a grandparent.

Are you Nicola Peltz?
Only kidding. Anyone who says they want to hurt a baby should be nowhere near children of any age . She sounds absolutely unhinged

I haven't read any further than this post but yes, cut her off now and move house and change your names and get new phones and a different car and wigs and facial surgery and possibly a restraining order

This will only escalate over the years. Batty old narcissistic bitch.

If she was an otherwise normal functional adult I might be able to convince myself that this joke was just a one off brain fart. When it's part of a whole pattern of concerning behaviour you shouldn't write it off.

Let her have her theatrics
Let her cry and tell everyone
Don't pander to her nonsense
Cut her off

Sending you a big 🫂

again, very naive POV

will they, should they EVER allow her to help?

If someone in the situation is going to be miserable, make sure it's not you. Stand up to her. Push back on the "You made her cry" accusations by saying "She uses tears to get her own way, haven't you noticed?"

It's highly likely that she has a personality disorder. People like that are unable to regulate their behaviour.

Your DH and SIL will have been trained from a very early age to deal with a disregulated mother. This means that they have a real blind spot when it comes to dealing with her, and would rather bend to her dysfunctional behaviour than call it out because of the way their mother reacts.

Start the way you mean to go on. She's not your mother and you do not have to pander to her or put up with her unacceptable behaviours. Call her out. Tell her what the consequences will be if she breaks your boundaries, and then follow through.

Congratulations on your baby!