Would you forgive a mother-in-law after upsetting behaviour with your newborn?

[Bubblebabynewmum]

Sorry this is probably going to be a long post. I'm a new mum they are just over a month old now. We had a really bad pregnancy and birth and was in hospital for the first 2 weeks after birth. We didnt tell anyone about the birth untill the next day as it was very overwhelming and has some complications. Mother in law wasnt happy she wasnt told on the day and didn't talk to us for the whole time we was in hospital. When we got home we asked for a few days to settle in she didnt listen and came round without telling us ( we had be home less than a hour). She held the baby and wouldn't give them back when we asked. She kissed the baby even though we asked her not to. Our last straw was when she was holding our baby and said she wants to hurt them to make them cry because they don't do anything they just lie there and do nothing. Obviously this really upset me and hurt me and we have gone no contact for now. My question is would you forgive her?

There is not a chance she would be involved in her grandchild’s life ever.
she sounds deranged.

id go no contact and if people question it I would tell them exactly what she said!

We didnt have time to send a text even if it only takes 5 seconds for starters I was in no fit state to hold a phone and my partner had other things on his mind like if his child and wife we actually going to be ok. As ive have already said, We went to the hospital at around 8pm there was a lot of complications and baby was born after 11pm. Obviously we hardly had any sleep and by the time things settled down and we had a rest it was lunch time the next day when we told everyone. We facetime both sets of parents at the same time so they both found out the same time. Mother in law wasnt happy and wanted to come to the hospital right there and then we said we didnt want anyone visiting right now but offered visits in a few days time when we knew more what was happening. It was planned that she was visiting when baby was 4 days old but then i needed emergency surgery . Since then she has not been happy refused to Visit until she turned up uninvited.
We have tried to be understanding but we have gone through a rough time and are obviously exhausted.

Since she said what she said we have gone none contact we still havent had an apology the only thing that has been said is that it was a joke and she hasn't done anything wrong and she said I have no right to be upset shes the one thats upset. We are staying no contact for the foreseeable future.

Your future depends on your husband. If he will stand alongside you and tell his mother no and call her out when she crosses your boundaries, you'll be ok - you'll be stressed because she is a narcissistic cow and it will be endless, but you will manage ok. If he is weak and puts his mother's feelings (which are just a performance to get what she wants) before you, you have a miserable life ahead of you and an unhappy child.

I remember my mother pinching babies to get a reaction. To her they were toys for her to play with because she had no empathy like all true narcissists.

You’re not being over sensitive at all. She’s clearly not right in the head/personality wise. But don’t let this spoil the early days with your newborn. Just do/say nothing and make no contact or drama until she makes contact then you tell her what your boundaries are. That she can come for x time on x date and does not hold the baby as she kissed it last time and that’s a health risk. Tell her you told your health visitor about her “joke” and she’s advised that she’s not left alone or supervised. Take it or leave it situation. It is time to put boundaries in place but when it’s with someone with personality issues (potential narcissistic traits) then they often do go into victim mode. Thats why it’s important not to enter into any drama with them. Learn about grey rock/low contact/boundaries… your husband has been brought up by a damaged parent so he will find it difficult but you’re now protecting your child. So learn how to deal with her without affecting your relationship- triangulation is a common thing they do!

Absolutely depends on the specifics doesn't it.

'Oh I wish I could pinch him so he cries and wakes, he's so beautiful and I want to see his eyes', whilst staring adoringly is a bit different to 'give him here, I'm going to hurt that baby and make him cry' isn't it?

The kissing and not listening about giving him back isn't acceptable but I suspect you're being massively sensitive and OTT about the comment. I mean seriously, do you think she's an absolute psychopath? Is that the most likely explanation for that comment?

Good lord, no, I'd be having nothing to do with her and I wouldn't have her around my baby.

Remember a friend saying, 'Look at his little legs. I could eat him up,' but that was before Mumsnet days so I didn't go no contact.

I don't believe anyone threatened to hurt the baby for a moment. Or that your dh couldn't have managed a quick message when he arrived.
Coming round within an hour is v annoying, but in the circumstances, serves you right.

Wtaf op no one in there right mind jokes about hurting a child to make them cry she sounds awful. Op I would ignore her she sounds like she will be a nightmare of a nan she wanted to be first to meet dc but ignored everything you said because there is no respect. I hope you get to enjoy your bonding don’t decide anything permanent but leave her to stew stupid bitch!

She hasn't apologised and has said she hasn't done anything wrong and when she said she wants to hurt the baby to make them cry apparently it was just a joke

Is that what she actually said? Or is that your interpretation?
If she said that it's very odd. But when I went to see my newborn gc he was fast asleep for a couple of hours so I said "Can I poke him?" while waving my finger around in his vicinity. It really was a joke and my dd knew full well it was a joke.
Maybe if it had been her mil she wouldn't have taken it the same way.
Who knows? So just wondering if it could have been that she really was joking.

If she said those words verbatim then it's not surprising it landed badly.

The kissing and not listening about giving him back isn't acceptable but I suspect you're being massively sensitive and OTT about the comment. I mean seriously, do you think she's an absolute psychopath? Is that the most likely explanation for that comment?

I hadn't seen this when I posted. Same.

I absolutely would never let her see my baby again, psycho bitch

Well that was a stupid thing to say 😐. She just makes herself look like a loon . But try not to let her get to you as really , it's up to your DH to deal with her . He needs to sort out his people and support his own family which is you and the baby .

She wasn't important enough to be told. And she isn't - and shouldn't be - the centre of this little family's universe now.

DH's newborn had literally just been born, and his wife had just endured a complicated birth. Baby was born at 11pm and both sets of grandparents were told by lunchtime the next day. It's not like they hid the birth from their parents for months. Telling family within 24hrs, particularly after a complicated birth, is good enough.

I think both the OP and her DH will breathe a weary sigh of relief if the MIL "doesn't bother" to provide her sort of help.

OP, YANBU to feel angry/upset/annoyed at your MIL's absurd and selfish behaviour. (It's completely normal for newborns to sleep a lot, by the way. Birth is an exhausting business, for mothers and babies.). If your DH wants to 'sort it', as you say, then he just needs to be firm and extremely specific and direct with his mother. Don't give her a key to your home. If she has one, change the locks. If she arrives unaccounced, you don't have to open the door. If she doesn't behave in an appropriate way when she does visit, your DH says it's not acceptable and asks her to leave. Never leave her unsupervised with the baby.

Yeah fucking hilarious.. not!

keep her at arms length!

We have tried to be understanding but we have gone through a rough time and are obviously exhausted. I have definitely stood up to her and would never let her or anyone else harm my child

Having recently become a grandmother I'm realising how wildly differing expectations and family dynamics are when one becomes a new parent.
My dd had a really awful time when her baby was born a few months ago, ending up with an emergency c section and a week in hospital. Obviously they felt like they'd been through a rough time too and my dd was exhausted almost to the point of delirium. Where the experience diverges is that I was texted by my son in law an hour or so after the birth when they'd got them both settled. I cried with relief. His Mum got the same text. I expect she cried too.
I offered to get the house ready for their return with a meal on the table and they almost bit my hand off. I then offered to watch the baby while they went and got some sleep which ended up as two all-nighters. I actually stayed awake watching the baby in his Moses basket while dd slept on the sofa.
Son in laws mother came on the third day as she lives some distance and took over looking after them all and letting them get some sleep for another couple of days.

Hormones are terrible things after childbirth. Protecting your baby is at it's highest. I doubt very much, very very much, that your mil wants to harm your child. She's just guilty of having old fashioned values and an unfortunate turn of phrase.

Remember a friend saying, 'Look at his little legs. I could eat him up,' but that was before Mumsnet days so I didn't go no contact.
I don't believe anyone threatened to hurt the baby for a moment. Or that your dh couldn't have managed a quick message when he arrived

I know. My dd had a really awful experience, 36 hour labour, baby was huge, got stuck, ended up as emergency c-section. Son in law kept us apprised of the situation throughout. I can't imagine finding out the next day and then being banned from visiting till day four. Is that normal nowadays?

I mean, even dd's mil was getting the same messages.

And I have to confess. When I give gc a bath, I always tell dd I'm going to bite his bum. I think it's all down to birth hormones. Protective hormones are so strong following birth. Six months later you wonder what planet you were on.

I wasn't sure I'd read that right the first time. If it was a 'joke' then it's still bloody weird enough that I'd be very wary having her around my newborn. If it wasn't then obviously she's a psycho who I definitely wouldn't want around my newborn (or me for that matter). And for her to have the arseache with you after saying that is bonkers. So all in all I'd be giving her a very wide berth, and if that means sometimes struggling with childcare then so be it; better that than leaving my child in the 'care' of a narcissistic nutcase.

You reap what you sow and in a few short months when you are desperate for help she may just not bother

Not to take away from the OP's upset which is obviously genuine (but it's hormone driven)

Mumsnet header "My parents won't offer regular childcare" etc etc.

I provide regular childcare for my grandchild. I held him within 2 hours of his birth. I watched over him and held him while his mother slept and took him to her when he needed feeding. I helped her. She'd had major surgery. She seriously appreciated that. And so did my son in law.

If she had rejected my help and my presence at that time, and told me I'd have to wait a week to see my grandchild I would have been gutted.
Fair enough, her choice. But it would have told me where I stand.

WTF have I just read - she wants to hurt them to make them cry???? She’s not right in the head

So this forum love to jump on people with no context. The hurting the baby is a weird comment but I’d say probably not genuine, have you ever felt threatened by this women? I’d also say after giving birth you have a ton of emotions and hormones. However, I do think going no contact for a while to be a family is fine and I’d remove the baby if she tried to kiss them again. I would also “forgive” them. They are the babies grandparents and partners family. But I would have very clear boundaries and enforce them

Honestly, I wonder what is up with that generation. So many posts on here of parents and in laws who don't understand boundaries, can't accept mistakes and never apologise. They seem to be adept at gaslighting too.

Sorry this happened to you OP. It sounds really horrible but the fact that you're so vulnerable obviously makes it worse. Your husband will need to take the reins in sorting this out. Wishing you well

It's so awful that you blame OP hormones for her reaction.

So, did you stop your daughter from having the first dance at her wedding?
Did you go to the wedding cake and chop off a slice for yourself before the cake was cut by newlyweds?
Did you turn up uninvited to your daughter's house after childbirth?

Are you the MIL??! You're definitely trolling .... While the hurting the baby may have been taken out of the context, none of the other behaviours demonstrated by this woman are stable, normal behaviours.
Did you even read what happened at OP's wedding?
I remember when my first baby was born, my parents made a big thing about how they completely understood if I didn't want to see anyone for a few days and they didn't want to intrude because they'd felt overwhelmed by my grandparents when I was born. I remember just rolling my eyes and thinking they were being a bit OTT, but I realise now how lucky I was to have such lovely parents.
Grandparents do not have an automatic right to see their grandchildren and frankly, this woman doesn't deserve anything from OP.
She's a classic narcissist. A malignant one who OP is right to cut off.

She sounds unhinged. I wouldn’t want her anywhere near a child. This sounds like someone that’s going to continue with this type of behaviour.

The hurting the baby thing was probably just a crap joke. You've had a stressful scary time, but why cut out à source of love for your child?

It's natural to want to hold and kiss babies, especially a grandchild.