Would you forgive a mother-in-law after upsetting behaviour with your newborn?

[Bubblebabynewmum]

Sorry this is probably going to be a long post. I'm a new mum they are just over a month old now. We had a really bad pregnancy and birth and was in hospital for the first 2 weeks after birth. We didnt tell anyone about the birth untill the next day as it was very overwhelming and has some complications. Mother in law wasnt happy she wasnt told on the day and didn't talk to us for the whole time we was in hospital. When we got home we asked for a few days to settle in she didnt listen and came round without telling us ( we had be home less than a hour). She held the baby and wouldn't give them back when we asked. She kissed the baby even though we asked her not to. Our last straw was when she was holding our baby and said she wants to hurt them to make them cry because they don't do anything they just lie there and do nothing. Obviously this really upset me and hurt me and we have gone no contact for now. My question is would you forgive her?

Obviously this really upset me and hurt me and we have gone no contact for now. My question is would you forgive her?

Has she asked to be forgiven? It seems not, so this is a futile exercise

She a controlling a nasty arsehole …. Main character syndrome springs to mind after all the things re the wedding …. Give her a wide berth and let her stew … make sure your DH isn’t fooled, he’s had it all his life so will be a bit ingrained in his life that she takes over
many congratulations on the arrival of your baby 💕❤️

I had a rough birth with my son, and contacting grandparents to tell them about the birth, wasn't at the forefront of my mind. If your complications meant that either you or your baby, could be in danger, I'm not surprised your husband didn't text his Mum. Not only did he not have time, but very likely, he didn't have the headspace. His priority, and rightly so, was you and his child, not his Mum!

You told both sets of parents at the same time, it's not like yours knew before his. Most grandparents would be understanding in the circumstances...not your MIL though. Somehow, she's managed to make the birth of her grandchild, all about what she wants/feels. As for turning up unannounced, an hour after you got home, that was rude. Again, most grandparents would have respected that you needed some space.

Unfortunately, it sounds like your MIL is very domineering and is used to having her own way. When challenged, she turns on the water works, and makes out she's the victim. In other words, she's a conniving and manipulative.

Your MIL isn't going to change, in fact she'll probably get worse as she ages.The only way to get through this is for you and your husband to be united. You need to use the 'grey rock' treatment.

Your MIL's comment is extremely odd. She's clearly someone who likes to be centre of attention, and thrives on drama. Make sure your MIL is never on her own with your child.

Is it ‘natural’ not to hand a baby back to its parent when asked to?

Is it ‘natural’ to kiss a baby when its parents have explicitly asked you not to?

No, it’s absolutely bizarre behaviour.

But the problem here is that the MIL really doesn’t sound like the sort of person who makes light-hearted jokes, by contrast she has a history of very controlling behaviour. Like insisting on cutting the wedding cake herself because she made it, who does that? Or taking over the first dance? And bursting into tears when challenged on her lack of boundaries?

I can understand why the OP doesn’t see her latest comment about hurting a newborn baby as humour. She doesn’t sound at all like a humorous person.

Grandparents that make their role in their grandchild’s life dependent on being there on day one because they prioritise their feelings over the feelings of the parents that have just been through a difficult ordeal, and ride roughshod over the parents’ wishes, are shitty grandparents and certainly not ones that would be trusted for childcare. Grandparents that don’t want to spend time with their grandchild to punish the parents by “withdrawing childcare” are also shitty grandparents.

I doubt Op would be comfortable leaving her child in this woman’s care at all given her history of awful behaviour so I don’t think she’ll mind too much. OP’s newborn isn’t about MIL. If MIL can’t understand that, more fool her for making sure she misses out on her GC. Being gutted is fine. You’re a grown up and can deal with it by reminding yourself that it isn’t about it you. Deciding it’s more important for you as a grandparent to be happy than the parents of the newborn is classic FAFO behaviour but MIL will be the one missing out.

Stick to your guns. If mil cries or other family moan i would let them.
You are a grown up and can make your own decisions. It's your baby so you decides what happens.

I don't think that OP would ever want childcare, regular or otherwise, from her horrible MIL. She asked for time to recover from a very difficult birth and asked for the same courtesy from her mother, not just her MIL but only her MIL ignored the request.

Have you read OP's posts about her MIL's behaviour at OP's wedding:

'She has always wanted to be center of attention. She didnt let us have a first dance at our wedding and we couldn't cut our wedding cake she had to do it because shes the one that made it. No one ever stands up to her or tells her no they just let her get on with what she wants to do and if you try and tell her she just cries.'

Fortunately, OP and her DH have now gone no contact with her so the threat that OP will reap what she has sown and that her MIL won't bother with them is an empty threat as MIL not bothering with them is the outcome that they want. She sounds like a toxic narcissist and her absence from their lives will be a blessing, not a punishment.

oh look, another naive one

I think some of the people on here who are mothers and MILs who have had input with their grandchildren early on need to remember that's probably because your children see you as a source of comfort. After going through a difficult time, I wouldn't think to text my mum because she's a difficult controlling woman and it wouldn't offer me any comfort at all. I think the son not messaging her is very telling given what she was like pre birth.

I also think OP, as your MIL steamrolls over what you want and ignores your boundaries, and no one seems to be able to stand up to her, I'd be thinking of what this means if she is involved in childcare and she does what she wants and ignores your wishes. Sounds like hell to me.

She sounds like a raving lunatic . She was overstepping over your wedding and over the baby . I would definitely keep her at arms length and the less she has to do with your little family the better .

No. I couldn’t for saying she’d harm my baby.

Oh she has behaved this way before, but this time it’s your baby she’s behaving batshit towards and your protective instinct is seeing it for what it is.

I’m struggling to move past the not cutting your own wedding cake, let alone everything else.
Low or no contact it would be for me, and she’d never have my child on her own.

I’m really glad things worked out well for your daughter and you sound like a lovely attentive mother, but I don’t think it’s fair to compare your SILs actions to theirs. OP was in hospital for 2 weeks after birth, needed emergency surgery a few days later. Immediately after birth her DH didn’t know if his wife and baby were going to come through. I think it’s pretty cold to hold it against op’s DH that he didn’t immediately think ‘oh I should text Mum’ he was probably in a state of panic.

My first labour ended traumatically - distressed baby, forceps, when they finally got him out I didn’t even get to hold him he was whipped off as I was haemorrhaging and the doctors were trying to stop it. It took a while, DS was in the room being held by DH thank god but it’s like the world outside stopped turning all I could do was switch back and forth from looking at him way across the room with desperate longing to asking the doctors what was happening, being told at one point they thought my womb was torn and I’d need more surgery. DH was stricken, he was focussed on doing skin to skin with DS and avoiding looking at the mounting pile of soaked rags in front of him and trying to do calculations on how much blood you could live without. I honestly think until we were told I was finally not bleeding anymore and was eventually allowed to hold baby it simply never occurred to us to contact anyone. We probably had a similar time gap in hours to op for letting people know, albeit on the same day, and am so grateful that all we received was delight at his arrival and concern for our wellbeing, no footstamping tantrums. And honestly it sounds like OP’s birth was worse. So shame on MIL for making a fuss about that

She/they will say what they say regardless. You need to just let them and adapt the grey rock method. She will never change who she is. Focus on your own family (yourself, husband and baby). I can imagine who upsetting and fucking irritating all this is but block out and ignore.
Also, tell your health visitor about her- they will offer support and advice. There is no way in hell such a person would get near my child. She chooses her own behaviour so she can deal with the consequences!

Congratulations on your baby and all the precious things they bring 💐

That’s not jokey though. Why would you want to make a baby cry.

It’s funny you say that actually as I’ve seen a real mix on here lately of that generation of current grandparents.

There’s a few threads going around about how people think the younger generation are so “entitled” to expect free childcare from GPs. In other words to ask for some help with regular childcare - possibly due to the cost of living and expense of childcare as well as having to have two incomes.

then on the other hand there’s a few posts of GPs who themselves seem to think they have the right to see their GC within 24hrs or birth and if they don’t then they’ll be heartbroken/gutted etc. and that their family shouldn’t expect any childcare support going forwards.

it’s all a bit childish and transactional IMO.

I also had the newborn entitlement with my own parents and in laws. I wish I’d been stronger and said no. I wish I’d asked them to wait a day or two so we could get home, have a proper shower and feel a little less shocked. I know some people want their families round them instantly and that’s fine. But I think we do to better at accepting everyone’s feelings.

I also think we need to stop reducing OPs emotions to hormones. Her emotions are totally valid. Her MIL overstepped in so many ways.

Yanbu that's just disgusting, never allow her near your child, no one safe says stuff like that, it's not a joke. Was she abusive in any way to your DH? I bet you she was and maybe in some ways still is, my MIL allowed men (first his father and then his stepfather) to physically abuse my DH and was emotionally abusive towards my DH herself throughout childhood and into adulthood and it took my DH years to see it.

I had a horrendous labour and birth. 30hrs since water broke emergency c section as both mine and babys heart rate plummeted rapidly and at the same time (should had have a c section after 24hrs). My husband was in contact with both our mothers during labour. It was end of covid so no one else was allowed in to visit. Our son ended up in NICU for a week. My MIL kept asking how I was. Everytime my husband text or rang. "Any updates on the baby, how is mummy she must be feeling awful and so worried etc." When we got home she said "let me know what is best and when you are all ready for a visit".
That shouldn't be gold standard although my MIL is...it should be normal.
But to say she wants to hurt your child! F that. Stay away from her twisted witch.

How unkind and stupid of her

She would never be near my child again. Who in their right mind says that? Do not leave her alone with your child ever.

MIL being abit over enthusiastic after birth can be forgiven, but what she said is so worrying. No mentally stable grandparent would ever say or think that.

So the answer to your question is absolutely NO.

Immediately after birth her DH didn’t know if his wife and baby were going to come through. I think it’s pretty cold to hold it against op’s DH that he didn’t immediately think ‘oh I should text Mum’ he was probably in a state of panic

If that had been the case and lives were hanging in the balance my son in law would have rung me immediately if not sooner. And so he should. If he'd been in a state of panic then I could understand if he didn't. But to then say, after everyone is home safe that after all that stress and worry and exhaustion, to then say you can't come for four days. It's incomprehensible to me.
I would have respected their request of course. But I can't imagine a universe where my dd and son in law weren't gladder than glad to see me and accept our help. They were so happy to get home and have us provide food and rest. They felt reassured and supported that we were there to help them get some sleep and look after the baby. My dd wrote me a lovely letter (didn't need to, we only live half an hour away) thanking us for helping her get through the the most demanding and confusing time in her life, for anticipating what she needed post surgery and post birth. I'll keep that letter forever as I imagine she intended.

Different strokes for different folks.

Anyway, different strokes for different folks.

There is zero need to explain… the pp who questioned you must have never experienced a medical emergency in a hospital!?!?

I had an extremely difficult birth, 40 hours in labour followed by an emergency section…there were several extremely serious moments including one when I thought my baby had died because his heart beat slowed down so much, the machine stopped beeping and the whole theatre went quiet. Awful.

I probably had ptsd as I remember feeling in complete shock and I later got terrible PND. So we also left it a few hours to let people know about the birth.

I also had an extremely negative experience with my mil during that time and ended up going no contact for about 2 years afterwards. My dh maintained contact ( which was fine by me) but that boundary was firmly in place until
I was ready to allow her back in. Once bitten twice shy tho, please prioritise yourself and your baby during this time. If that means NC then so be it.

But she said in her OP she was in hospital for 2 weeks after birth. So there wasn’t a home safe and sound, making MIL wait for 4 days moment. She was invited into the hospital before they were home safe and sound?

And look I get what you’re saying, I wanted my mum near me after my difficult birth. She couldn’t come to the hospital due to covid rules though and I was in for a few days. I really appreciated her when she did come, like your DD. But nothing about this MIL sounds like the kind of decent, selfless person showing up to help that you describe in your experience with your DD. The way she treated the couple before any of this proved that. OP doesn’t need the kind of help this woman would want to give

Everyone’s different. I didn’t want to see people straight away after. I felt exhausted, gross and wanted to be in our little bubble for a day or so. But we felt pressured.

your experience sounds like it should be in a film!