My Dad told me I'm a shit parent. AIBU to just want to pack up and leave to go home right now?

[PoppyBlunt]

At my Dad and his wife's for the weekend.
Earlier today he shouted at 5yo DS and told him to get off the sofa and stop playing with the buttons (he wasn't playing, had simply sat in the chair bit and raised the foot thing). He then shouted at me to stop DS playing. Before I had a chance to do anything he dragged DS off the sofa by his arm and his leg. This was half an hour after he'd had his hands around DS's neck 'play fighting'.

DS was understandably really shaken up and upset by all of this and had some time upstairs with me and older sibling.

I said to my dad this evening that I was highly uncomfortable with him being physical with the children and I didnt want it happening again or there would a final line drawn..

He got very angry, descending into a rampage of him telling me I'm a "shit parent", my children arent discplined whatsoever, he loves them but doesnt like them at all, they're totally feral, he feels sorry for me because I have allowed them to get like this and bite and kick me (older DC bit me once when 18m old, so guess he is referring to this one instance).

He said older DC understands the word no now, but there are a host of other issues with her.

He said that when they have other families here after they've left they say to one another "so that's what a normal family looks like" and mention us.

All the while he's shouting this at me and effing and blinding throughout.

AIBU to just want to pack up the car and get out of here. He was utterly venomous and I just don't want to be here and especially dont want my children being somewhere with someone who doesn't like them.

DH saying stay put and see how things are tomorrow.

I love how you're the shit parent. I would struggle to have anything to do with him going forward, he's a nasty bully.

God you poor thing. Hes abusive. Just get out and dont go back. Your kids are scared of him too. Hes calling you shit because you gently pushed back on his abusive behaviour. Dont let things escalate.

How old is your Dad and how is he apart from this? I ask as my mother had dementia and I remember she went through a stage where she was very much like this (this is why my 15 yr old never really had a relationship with her and wasn't bothered too much when she passed away, but the older two remembered her very differently) luckily we already had a diagnosis and I could see what was happening and explain to the children, but they were obviously still upset about it.

Of course... We only have one side of the story and, you won't like this bit... But I work in a school and can say we have quite a lot of feral children with parents that just can't parent and they would probably be horrified at someone questioning their parenting ability. It's becoming a big problem in schools.

Myself and my family would find it rude do a child to play with a recliner sofa and would expect a parent intervene and if thy didn’t we would, but by distraction not shout and grab. I understand his annoyance but not his actions.

If children are asleep, start discreetly packing. First thing in the morning hav everything in the car, try to have children eat breakfast then put them in the car and go back inside and calmly tell them you think the best thing is that you leave. Explain to children it is best you leave. I would try to carve out the ideal meet up next time at a neutral venue, maybe a park as important the children know who their grandparents are, as long as it is safe.
I don’t know how many children you have and maybe it is too much for them to have you visit, it is hard when there are a lot of children but his behaviour sounds disappointing.
Main thing is aim to remain calm and explain you think it’s better to leave, but thank them for having them and appreciate to meet at a different location next time.

You tell them

'grandad hasn't been very kind during this visit, we're going to go home where everyone cN be safe and calm and oeaceful' then off you go.

Don't let him get away with this

Your dad was out of line though presumably caused by the stress of having children in the house that don’t behave in the more disciplined way that the older generation expects.

Perhaps have your parents come to your home in future so that they are not so stressed by potential for harm to their own furniture. Or pause visits until your kids are older and it is less stressful for both parties.

There’s no need to have a final rift in your relationship because of this - just acknowledge they have different expectations for children’s behaviour than you do and the usual “their house, their rules” therefore doesn’t work in this instance. Your house, your rules.

Their relationship will never recover from that though. Some self-reflection is probably in order here, albeit his swearing was out of line. My mil once lost it with our kids. They were behaving really badly and while we decided we wouldn’t leave them with her again until they were older as it wasn’t fair, we didn’t put things in writing that it would be hard for her to respond to and end our relationship with her over it.

Well done op, make sure your children know that what grandad did was unacceptable and absolutely not their fault.

Tbh I wouldn't bother with the bully again, I would simply stop answering calls or texts, he doesn't need to be told, just gice him silence.

Just go

Good for you. You’ve shown your children their safety is important and the kind of behaviour that isn’t acceptable. He likely won’t apologise as he’s a bully and it sounds like he has little experience of being around children. But if he does and things are rebuilt it anyway I’d be clear that he is not to touch the children and only socialise for short periods outside the house

But he didn’t play with it. He just reclined it once - which is its intended use. Would an adult house guest have been physically dragged off furniture for doing the same thing by him? Would be have pretended to strangle an adult houseguest?

I think not. The man is a bully. The child is 5. I’m not sure why some older people like him have such bizarre behaviour expectations of small children. It sounds like he wasn’t around for his own children’s childhoods, working away, and was physical with his stepchildren.

Watching my DP recognise how much of an abusive shit his dad is, and going no contact… I’d thoroughly recommend you do the same. It’s been a sad journey at times, but ultimately SO satisfying and affirming to break the cycle.

Once you’ve dealt with the upset of the realisation of who your dad is, and the damage he will do to your children and their confidence etc, live a life free from him.

You’ve seen what he was like with your brothers, and now he’s doing the same to your little boys. He should never see them again.

Leave. Block that abusive c*nt on EVERYTHING, and go NC.

Voted you are being unreasonable because you didn't rip him a new one and leave immediately. I can't believe you or your dh are even contemplating staying near that c* for another second. I think my dh would have probably wanted to knock him into next week. Wtf. I know its an over used phrase but I'd go nc.

Exactly this. Why did you stay when he physically touched your child?! I can't fathom that and saying a "day out is planned" f that! He assaulted your child. Unless growing up you have been conditioned to this behaviour I don't know why you are even still there?!

I’m not sure if this is a serious response, if it is it’s quite concerning, but if you read the OP, it was a reclining sofa (not a mobility aid) and he reclined it once. That’s what its intended purpose is.

Would the grandfather have chosen physical violence if an adult house guest had simply reclined the sofa? Probably not because he clearly has different expectations of a child and is a bully with those smaller than him.

If the children were being badly behaved, what does physically dragging them off furniture teach them? That violence is the answer if you don’t like something and to be scared of their grandfather, who had bizarrely just been ‘play fighting’ at strangling them?

God he sounds horrible. Even at the point of his daughter leaving he can't see any issue with his words or behaviour.

We have one of those reclining sofas and my DGC love it. I showed them how to use it so they can do it for themselves (ages 8 and 5). If they kept putting it up and down unnecessarily they would be getting told off, but they mostly don't. We do have rules about no food on it as we are a bit worried about crumbs etc getting into the mechanism. I make the rules clear and they mostly follow them, if they don't they get reminded, but I most certainly never enforce them with physical violence. What the grandfather did in these circumstances was awful. The sofa has to be plugged into the mains by the way, so if his is similar all he had to do was unplug it - it's not rocket science.

This ^
I wouldn’t contact him for some time and definitely not for visits etc. Take your time to think about the situation.
Your Dad said that it’s how he was feeling and it’s up to him but it’s up to you to have your own opinion about what he said, what he did and what kind of parent and grandparent he was. Tell him this.
And please stay calm in possible conversations with him. Don’t give him anything, anything at all to claim that you are unreasonable.

Absolutely this.
Explain to the kids, that behaviour was not acceptable and you are not allowing contact between him and the kids to protect them.
When theyre older make sure you explain in more detail and they understand that treating people like that is wrong and just as important - that they should not allow people to treat them like that.

Glad you got out. His behaviour was unacceptable even if your children WERE being feral.

Were they? Are you a good parent? Do your kids generally respect boundaries? I know a lot of parents who think the sun shines out of their kids' backsides, and they are absolutely horrible guests. Don't be that family 👍

My mantra is you never know who is pissing through a tube. It sounds like your dad is having a tough day/week/year. I guess you don’t hate him and he doesn’t hate you, so the situation, plus whatever else is going on, pushed him too far. Last year our son (5) knocked my father in law’s tv off its stand and broke it, and he said he didn’t want him to visit any more. He is 77 with fairly bad spinal pain, lots of medication and a moderate drinking problem. He’s not my favourite person ever, but he is my kids’ only grandpa left, when he’s on form he can be a great guy, and we owe him a lot, so we judge him on the good moments. Almost certainly your dad will be sad and sorry, even if he can’t articulate it. If he was an old lion he’d have eaten them, so it could be worse.

If my FIL had manhandled a child of mine like your DF did OP, I'm not sure that I would have been able to keep my hands off him so well done DH.
In your position, that would be the last I ever saw of that abusive cunt. It would be a cold day in hell before he ever came near my children again.

Leave in the morning. Do not disturb the kids in the evening . Horrible situation but do what feels right when you wake up.

Instead of apologising he's doubling down.

I'd go low/ no contact. As a parting gift I might tell him what I think and how I feel.

He sound like shit dad and and even shit grandad.