My Dad told me I'm a shit parent. AIBU to just want to pack up and leave to go home right now?

[PoppyBlunt]

At my Dad and his wife's for the weekend.
Earlier today he shouted at 5yo DS and told him to get off the sofa and stop playing with the buttons (he wasn't playing, had simply sat in the chair bit and raised the foot thing). He then shouted at me to stop DS playing. Before I had a chance to do anything he dragged DS off the sofa by his arm and his leg. This was half an hour after he'd had his hands around DS's neck 'play fighting'.

DS was understandably really shaken up and upset by all of this and had some time upstairs with me and older sibling.

I said to my dad this evening that I was highly uncomfortable with him being physical with the children and I didnt want it happening again or there would a final line drawn..

He got very angry, descending into a rampage of him telling me I'm a "shit parent", my children arent discplined whatsoever, he loves them but doesnt like them at all, they're totally feral, he feels sorry for me because I have allowed them to get like this and bite and kick me (older DC bit me once when 18m old, so guess he is referring to this one instance).

He said older DC understands the word no now, but there are a host of other issues with her.

He said that when they have other families here after they've left they say to one another "so that's what a normal family looks like" and mention us.

All the while he's shouting this at me and effing and blinding throughout.

AIBU to just want to pack up the car and get out of here. He was utterly venomous and I just don't want to be here and especially dont want my children being somewhere with someone who doesn't like them.

DH saying stay put and see how things are tomorrow.

No absolutely do not start an email exchange over what did or did not happen and why. That will diminish the firm action that the OP has taken and descend into an interminable and undignified exchange of who did what and why.

The OP has been strong and protected her family. It’s for her father to make a move and apologise: he knows exactly what for. If he doesn’t, then that’s up to him.

Just give it some time and ket everyone cool down. His words were very hurtful, but i think he had reached the end of his patience with them!
Had he already told gour ds off for playing with the chair mechanism? I thinknit might also be worth reflecting on whether your dad has a point about your kids behaviour.

Exactly this. He will just DARVO the fuck out of it.

I'd go low contact by phone/text only going forward, definitely no physical visits with your children as your Dad is a violent impatient twat.

Horrible man, you were right to leave first thing. Hope you can still do something nice over the weekend with the kids.

I wouldn't be in a rush to contact him. Let him stew. He doesn't sound like he would be a great loss.

You have done the right thing. I also have a father who hasn't been around much and we've butted heads over my DC. He didn't raise you, so has no context for your own family, seems to be embarrassed by your choices and clearly small children annoy him.
So vote with your feet and don't stay again. If you want to maintain a relationship, keep visits short, especially when DC are young.

I’m so glad you had your dh to support you and you were able to go without any more drama. As a pp said, your dad knows he should be saying “sorry, that will never happen again.”
I’m so sorry that what was supposed to be a nice weekend turned out so horribly. Make protecting your dc your priority. It’s really sad for you that your dad is not being a safe and loving person for your family.
A friend of my family had a grandchild who was legitimately a terror. Never once did the family members act like your dad. It’s all on him.

Yes he can say what he thinks, but you can also respond accordingly. I would have left too. Of course a child will press buttons on the sofa, if he wants him not to he needs to block off the buttons somehow, or supervise directly.

I mean why would you stay. Sounds quite clear your dad doesn't want/ can't cope with you there...

I would be honest with them once you are gone. Grandad was in the wrong to physically lay his hands on them and you will not stand for it. My parents think my kids are feral, I think my kids are ND as am I and the difference in how I behaved as a child and how they behave is that I don’t wish to rule my children with fear, leaving them with mental health issues that last a lifetime

Well done op 🩷

You explain to the kids that your leaving because his behaviour was unacceptable and you don't have to put up with it.

Why on earth is your DH enabling your dad's behaviour?!?!?! My husband would have had us out of there ASAP.

As it is, I hope you left this morning.

Well done on leaving OP.

The only shit parent in this situation is your Dad. What a nasty bully. Shit Grandfather too obviously.

Well done for leaving. Your father is a nasty bully, he does not deserve the privilege of having you or your kids in his life. Enjoy getting home and the rest of the weekend. ❤️

I know it can be a MN default setting to say go NC. But, he won't change.
When parents still try to dominate and control when the power is no longer with them (i.e. kids are adults), it only gets worse. When they can't control you, they try to control your children. Don't let him.

You have done the right thing leaving. If you choose to stay in touch, give him one warning - if he ever does it again, you will cut contact. And mean it.

From someone who has been there, got the t-shirt.

Oooooh how about 'You could have left me to do the parenting. As I am his parent and he is my child. And you were physically violent. That is illegal these days.'

What a horrible grandad he is.

You would be unreasonable to stay !!!

I think there’s clearly a shit parent here and it’s not you. Leave as soon as you can and limit future contact.

None of this makes physical abuse ok!!!!!!

That’s horrible and I’m glad you left. There is no way to know if the kids heard or not, but you need to have their back. He actually said he didn’t like them. As well as accusing you both of being bad parents. And he laid hands on a small child. I think for me it would be no contact.

You say you're worried about what the kids would make of you leaving early, but surely they would see a parent defending them, and not allowing abuse to continue? Staying would be saying it is ok for adults to take their anger out on you, and you don't have anyone to look after you.

What happens next is you just get on with life and don't go and stay there again. If he says anything about this just state that you have differences of opinion on parenting and that he has made it clear you and your children are unwelcome in his home. If other people aren't telling you your kids are out of control and are happy to host you then the issue is likely his old fashioned controlling ideas, it certainly sounds like it from what you've shared.

For what it's worth my parents and inlaws have doted on my kids and have excused and encouraged all sorts of over excited behaviour from my kids over the years with a "Don't worry, they're fine" to any kind of parenting I did to try and manage them in a not very child / toddler proof setting e.g 'Take your shoes off', 'Don't play with that', 'Don't touch Granny's ornaments', 'Stop wiping your hands on that window' etc.

Well your Dad is also a 'shit parent' and grandparent behaving that way with his daughter and grandchildren. So perhaps inform him that you must've learnt it from him!
I think his behaviour is disgusting. He sounds like hes from the era when kids were seen and not heard which is no longer the case.
I think perhaps your husband is being sensible that you wait until tomorrow as I could see that this incident could easily lead to a big fallout.
But how will you ever feel comfortable visiting again with your children. You will be permanently on edge.
You did the right thing how you spoke to your Dad but going forward perhaps you need to go for a short visit and if you live a distance away either travel or get a B&B or similar for the night.

Well done for leaving.
I'd personally stay away and not subject my children to him ever again. He wasn't even sorry for what he did or said.

I would go home in the morning.
Explain to the kids that you don't like grandad being rough with them. Have a day out somewhere on the way home if possible so they don't miss out on a treat.
Neither your children nor you should be treated this way. Look after yourself and your family xx