My Dad told me I'm a shit parent. AIBU to just want to pack up and leave to go home right now?

[PoppyBlunt]

At my Dad and his wife's for the weekend.
Earlier today he shouted at 5yo DS and told him to get off the sofa and stop playing with the buttons (he wasn't playing, had simply sat in the chair bit and raised the foot thing). He then shouted at me to stop DS playing. Before I had a chance to do anything he dragged DS off the sofa by his arm and his leg. This was half an hour after he'd had his hands around DS's neck 'play fighting'.

DS was understandably really shaken up and upset by all of this and had some time upstairs with me and older sibling.

I said to my dad this evening that I was highly uncomfortable with him being physical with the children and I didnt want it happening again or there would a final line drawn..

He got very angry, descending into a rampage of him telling me I'm a "shit parent", my children arent discplined whatsoever, he loves them but doesnt like them at all, they're totally feral, he feels sorry for me because I have allowed them to get like this and bite and kick me (older DC bit me once when 18m old, so guess he is referring to this one instance).

He said older DC understands the word no now, but there are a host of other issues with her.

He said that when they have other families here after they've left they say to one another "so that's what a normal family looks like" and mention us.

All the while he's shouting this at me and effing and blinding throughout.

AIBU to just want to pack up the car and get out of here. He was utterly venomous and I just don't want to be here and especially dont want my children being somewhere with someone who doesn't like them.

DH saying stay put and see how things are tomorrow.

I’m glad you’re leaving OP, your dad sounds awful. What was he like when you were young?

What was your DH doing when your dad was shouting at you like this?

My parents divorced when I was 4 and he worked abroad, so only saw him in holidays etc. He was like it with my step brothers who are a lot younger.

DH was interjecting her and there, but leaving me to it, which is what I wanted. Dad's wife was trying to calm him down.

On the way home. Thank you all for giving me the confidence to get out of there rather than spend a day pretending.

As I left he said "I'm not sure what you want me to say to you but I can only say what I think and feel and that's what I did."

No idea what happens next.

Your dad sounds awful, and frightening.

I’d have packed up ready to leave first thing this morning. I’d also not expose my children to him again.

Yeah, glad you are getting the hell out and going home op. Totally unacceptable way to treat your child. I’d be going LC and not visiting again any time soon. Maybe stick to calls, emails etc if you can’t trust him around your kids.

100% this. (I only got this far so you may have left by now).

My mother's parents were violent and abusive. My mother still insisted we see them and stay over several times a year. It taught me that my safety did not matter. That she did not care for my safety. That her priorities were appeasing them at all costs. That carried over for decades where i felt that in order to be safe, loved, protected i had to appease abusers. I am 52 now and it has had a very real impact on my life.

You did the right thing - it’s a boundary for your family and your children and only you could have set that boundary in place. Well done. Look sorry to be so blunt but ur dad verbally attacked ur family and then he attacked you all again in the morning by not apologising. This person is not a friend to ur family unless they can apologise. Blood ties do not automatically give anyone the right to behave badly. You need to rest, recover and move on. Do nothing. Don’t call. Don’t write. Just focus on your recovery. And well done again.

Your families are not compatible and it’s not a good situation for any of you. Leave and maybe only socialise out of the house from now on.

He then shouted at me to stop DS playing. Before I had a chance to do anything he dragged DS off the sofa by his arm and his leg. This was half an hour after he'd had his hands around DS's neck 'play fighting'.

Your kids will know that his abusive behaviour is not acceptable.

So glad you had the courage to leave early, especially as he couldn't bring himself to apologise when you left.

It sounds as if he has form for this type of behaviour. Try and put it to one side for the moment, at least in front. Of the children. Take your time.

I must admit, I do admire your restraint when he called you a shit parent. I would have been straight in there 'I know what a shit parent looks like, you were barely around when I was growing up'

It's good that you decided to leave @PoppyBlunt Your dad was in the wrong to behave like that towards your child and towards you.

He sounds like a horrible man and clearly has zero ability for self reflection, accountability and to offer an apology for his appalling actions.

Be prepared that he may never apologise and your relationship will not recover from this. But you can rest easy in the knowledge that you removed your children from any future harm from your dad, and you're no longer a target for his vitriol. You did the right thing by asserting a boundary and leaving. This is on him, not you.

💐

He knows exactly what you want him to say. "Im sorry. I overreacted. I said some awful things that I didnt mean. Im completely in the wrong here and I totally understand why you need to leave. But, if you do ever agree to see me again I will never behave like that again" but he can't say any of it. He is a weak, pathetic, bully and its good your kids have a mum who is breaking that cycle.

Well done OP.

I hope you can salvage a nice weekend out of this.

Then you can only do the same as him, which you have by leaving and sending a clear message about his behaviour. Block his number for now so you don't need to be distracted by his noise. Take some time out and enjoy time with your boys.

Dear God had he been drinking?

This completely.

He needs to realise his actions of dragging a child is completely unacceptable and a hard boundary for you. He also needs to realise that shouting, swearing and storming about is also unacceptable when you challenged him on it later.

Until he does realise this and apologise then you simply ignore all aspects until he has reflected.
Sounds like his wife might also have some words for him too.

But you have done the first main step of showing him its not acceptable by leaving which probably has taken him aback.

He sounds like he totally lost it over nothing at all. Perhaps he spent more time with his own kids when they were small he would be able to remember what it was like.

I would not be in a rush to go back and visit any time soon that is for sure. If you decide to see him again then could you meet at an attraction halfway so he doesnt feel that it is his turf so to speak.

Leave and never see him again. He's a monster. Hope you're all right this morning x

Well thats a load of shit

"I'm not sure what you want me to say to you but I can only say what I think and feel and that's what I did."

He could have done a thousand things other than what he did

I would never go back there again. If my father put his hands round my childs throat or slung my child off a chair by his leg and arm that would be it. He wouldnt see us again. He has uncontrolled anger issues.
How does he expect children to behave? Stand like statues? Bloody hell.

Well done for leaving OP. I cannot get over putting hands around a five year old's neck, even as "play fighting". They are so small at that age. Your dad sounds awful.

Well done for leaving. It is showing your children that aggressive behaviour is not acceptable.

As for the next step, then I guess an email telling him what he did wrong, as he clearly thinks his behaviour is acceptable, then either he apologises, or you will probably go no-contact (NC) for a long time.

Perhaps something like "Dad, I made the decision to leave as your behaviour was aggressive. DS was merely using your reclining chair, and you choose to physically assault him. Your actions were completely out of order, you frightened him, and you owe him an apology. As a good and caring parent, I do not want my children growing up thinking violent, aggressive and bullying behaviour is acceptable. Children need to learn right from wrong, and your behaviour was wrong"

I would have left after he pulled my child off the sofa. You’ve done the right thing by leaving. He has no intention of apologising- that’s on him

You could message or call him later and say that you also acted on what you think and feel. You think that he's not a nice or safe person towards normal small child behaviour and you feel his reaction to both you and your children was unhinged and bonkers. He's not the only person entitled to thoughts and feelings. It's a mad excuse from a grown man anyway. We all have weird thoughts and feelings at times. Not acting on them all is maturity and self controlled.

I wouldn't bother reaching out to him. He made the mistake and owes you and your family an apology.

However, you can expect to see flying pigs before you ever get one. In fact I guarantee that to him the story will become that YOU owe HIM an apology for leaving early/disrespecting him/insert other offense.

Does he bring anything positive to your life? Your family? If not, consider just not instigating communication and see how long it is before he reaches out. I bet you'll have a long, long time of peace.