My Dad told me I'm a shit parent. AIBU to just want to pack up and leave to go home right now?

[PoppyBlunt]

At my Dad and his wife's for the weekend.
Earlier today he shouted at 5yo DS and told him to get off the sofa and stop playing with the buttons (he wasn't playing, had simply sat in the chair bit and raised the foot thing). He then shouted at me to stop DS playing. Before I had a chance to do anything he dragged DS off the sofa by his arm and his leg. This was half an hour after he'd had his hands around DS's neck 'play fighting'.

DS was understandably really shaken up and upset by all of this and had some time upstairs with me and older sibling.

I said to my dad this evening that I was highly uncomfortable with him being physical with the children and I didnt want it happening again or there would a final line drawn..

He got very angry, descending into a rampage of him telling me I'm a "shit parent", my children arent discplined whatsoever, he loves them but doesnt like them at all, they're totally feral, he feels sorry for me because I have allowed them to get like this and bite and kick me (older DC bit me once when 18m old, so guess he is referring to this one instance).

He said older DC understands the word no now, but there are a host of other issues with her.

He said that when they have other families here after they've left they say to one another "so that's what a normal family looks like" and mention us.

All the while he's shouting this at me and effing and blinding throughout.

AIBU to just want to pack up the car and get out of here. He was utterly venomous and I just don't want to be here and especially dont want my children being somewhere with someone who doesn't like them.

DH saying stay put and see how things are tomorrow.

It's just manipulation. Your dad manhandled your kid and he isn't okay because you didn't allow that to happen without consequences or taking action. Your dad is a shit dad and grandad. He's clear that he won't change and will continue manhandling your kids if you allow him access to them. I wouldn't let him near your kids. He doesn't think he's done anything wrong.

I want to give you a hug! Being bitten at 18mo doesn't make them feral and it doesn't make you a shit parent. There is no excuse for dragging your child off the sofa.

I'd pack up and leave in the morning. You could even go for your day out just you, DH and the kids and drive home afterwards.

It sounds like your Dad had a grim childhood in care in the 60s and wasn't really present as a father or stepfather, so isnt bery realistic about behaviour. That doesnt excuse his behaviour. If he didn't want your son playing on the reclining chair he could have said so calmly.
I'd stay away from them from now on.

My Dad also said to me before we left that he wasn't going to change and would always be physical and that's just how he is with boys- apparently he can't help it due to his upbringing (in care in the 1960s and then in the army). My DS's other 3 male grandfathers aren't like this.

your dad is a sexist bully. My dad grew up in a deprived family and then went in the army. He never treated my brother or any of my male relatives like that at all. (and never treated boys and girls differently)

Glad you left, that was the right thing to do. How you handle the relationship in the future is up to you, but in your shoes? there would be no more overnight visits full stop. If there were visits, they would not be at his house, and we would be staying at a hotel. The visit would be stopped at the first sign of "hands on child".

He probably won't change, and he will probably continue to think you are a weak parent and that he did no wrong. He is incorrect in that. You sent an excellent message to your child here, and that is good. The only improvement to that might have been leaving immediately, but that ship had sailed so you did the next best thing.

Tell everyone that you don’t understand gentle parenting without telling everyone you don’t understand gentle parenting…

He grabbed his DC in an aggressive manner so I’m not sure what possible disability issues you are imagining. He sounds like an unpleasant man and you are defending his abusive behaviour. I hope you do better by the children in your family.

Yeah, screw them!

You don’t need these people around your kids.

I'd leave asap. Sounds like a toxic environment for you and your DC. I need to feel safe

Well done for leaving, OP.

Well done on leaving.

If you needed any additional information to support that you made the right decision, then be aware that if your child told someone at school that their grandad had put their hands round their neck/dragged them off the furniture like that that school would raise a safeguarding concern. This way you can show them that you have acted to protect your children.

I think your post on 12/04 said your dad was in care as a child? Is that correct?

Your dad over reacted and I understand why you left. I would have done the same.

If you want to maybe understand your fathers issues and why it may be that he goes from zero to one hundred ‘the body keeps the score’ by van der kolk and The Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier are books that may explain a fair bit.

It’s not your job to read them but there’s a fair chance he hasn’t read them and has no idea about why he is the way he is. It’s not your job to fix him either but I recommend reading them and maybe suggesting them to his wife too. There may be more going on than him just being an arsehole.

You know if he’s likely to read these books himself and take on board what the authors say. If you think he will it may improve your relationship significantly.

I think you should have a word with your DH, who appears to have acted rather passively during all this. Most men would have had your father up against the wall if he'd choked and assaulted their child, not left it to you to deal with and even considered staying for another few days.

Let him know that due to your upbringing, your boundaries maybe somewhat skewed, and you need to know he has your children's backs at all times. So do they.

This is exactly what I keep thinking.