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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My Dad told me I'm a shit parent. AIBU to just want to pack up and leave to go home right now?

187 replies

PoppyBlunt · 11/04/2026 00:26

At my Dad and his wife's for the weekend.
Earlier today he shouted at 5yo DS and told him to get off the sofa and stop playing with the buttons (he wasn't playing, had simply sat in the chair bit and raised the foot thing). He then shouted at me to stop DS playing. Before I had a chance to do anything he dragged DS off the sofa by his arm and his leg. This was half an hour after he'd had his hands around DS's neck 'play fighting'.

DS was understandably really shaken up and upset by all of this and had some time upstairs with me and older sibling.

I said to my dad this evening that I was highly uncomfortable with him being physical with the children and I didnt want it happening again or there would a final line drawn..

He got very angry, descending into a rampage of him telling me I'm a "shit parent", my children arent discplined whatsoever, he loves them but doesnt like them at all, they're totally feral, he feels sorry for me because I have allowed them to get like this and bite and kick me (older DC bit me once when 18m old, so guess he is referring to this one instance).

He said older DC understands the word no now, but there are a host of other issues with her.

He said that when they have other families here after they've left they say to one another "so that's what a normal family looks like" and mention us.

All the while he's shouting this at me and effing and blinding throughout.

AIBU to just want to pack up the car and get out of here. He was utterly venomous and I just don't want to be here and especially dont want my children being somewhere with someone who doesn't like them.

DH saying stay put and see how things are tomorrow.

OP posts:
abbynabby23 · 11/04/2026 21:41

PoppyBlunt · 11/04/2026 00:26

At my Dad and his wife's for the weekend.
Earlier today he shouted at 5yo DS and told him to get off the sofa and stop playing with the buttons (he wasn't playing, had simply sat in the chair bit and raised the foot thing). He then shouted at me to stop DS playing. Before I had a chance to do anything he dragged DS off the sofa by his arm and his leg. This was half an hour after he'd had his hands around DS's neck 'play fighting'.

DS was understandably really shaken up and upset by all of this and had some time upstairs with me and older sibling.

I said to my dad this evening that I was highly uncomfortable with him being physical with the children and I didnt want it happening again or there would a final line drawn..

He got very angry, descending into a rampage of him telling me I'm a "shit parent", my children arent discplined whatsoever, he loves them but doesnt like them at all, they're totally feral, he feels sorry for me because I have allowed them to get like this and bite and kick me (older DC bit me once when 18m old, so guess he is referring to this one instance).

He said older DC understands the word no now, but there are a host of other issues with her.

He said that when they have other families here after they've left they say to one another "so that's what a normal family looks like" and mention us.

All the while he's shouting this at me and effing and blinding throughout.

AIBU to just want to pack up the car and get out of here. He was utterly venomous and I just don't want to be here and especially dont want my children being somewhere with someone who doesn't like them.

DH saying stay put and see how things are tomorrow.

Depends how long you are planning to stay. But my opinion is stay for now and next time you visit rent an airbnb close to your dad when you visit and that’s it. It’s often hard work to be in the same house trying to balance your own routines, parenting, making sure you please the people hosting you etc.

YankSplaining · 11/04/2026 21:44

Glad to see you’ve left.

Was your husband there when all this was happening? If so, did he say anything to your father?

Pherian · 11/04/2026 22:06

PoppyBlunt · 11/04/2026 00:26

At my Dad and his wife's for the weekend.
Earlier today he shouted at 5yo DS and told him to get off the sofa and stop playing with the buttons (he wasn't playing, had simply sat in the chair bit and raised the foot thing). He then shouted at me to stop DS playing. Before I had a chance to do anything he dragged DS off the sofa by his arm and his leg. This was half an hour after he'd had his hands around DS's neck 'play fighting'.

DS was understandably really shaken up and upset by all of this and had some time upstairs with me and older sibling.

I said to my dad this evening that I was highly uncomfortable with him being physical with the children and I didnt want it happening again or there would a final line drawn..

He got very angry, descending into a rampage of him telling me I'm a "shit parent", my children arent discplined whatsoever, he loves them but doesnt like them at all, they're totally feral, he feels sorry for me because I have allowed them to get like this and bite and kick me (older DC bit me once when 18m old, so guess he is referring to this one instance).

He said older DC understands the word no now, but there are a host of other issues with her.

He said that when they have other families here after they've left they say to one another "so that's what a normal family looks like" and mention us.

All the while he's shouting this at me and effing and blinding throughout.

AIBU to just want to pack up the car and get out of here. He was utterly venomous and I just don't want to be here and especially dont want my children being somewhere with someone who doesn't like them.

DH saying stay put and see how things are tomorrow.

You are both shit parents.

Your father manhandled your kid and neither one of you put a stop to it. I’m sure you thought your firm words were enough… but it wasn’t.

Then you stood there and took being shouted and sworn at while your kids no doubt heard all that 💩.

Then you put them to bed in that environment and they probably felt like they were walking on egg shells in order to not make the crazy old man angry again.

And you aren’t sure if you’re unreasonable to leave.

Are you seeking attention with your post or genuinely clueless ? It’s hard to tell with most people on here.

You and your husband need spine transplants. I hope in the future if someone put their hands on your kids you to more than have a couple words.

I hope you at least have the sense to never take them around your psychotic father again.

Hailstoness · 11/04/2026 22:21

Your poor children.
Make that the last time they are exposed to him.

Contrarymary30 · 11/04/2026 22:36

I would leave in the morning . How often do you stay ? Are you invited by him or do you ask to go and stay ?

He sounds like he's had enough and is taking it out on you . Are you keeping the kids occupied or leaving them to their own devices ? Hecwill n probably phone you in a few days to apologise for the swearing etc but I think you have to be honest with yourself about how the kids are behaving . Saying that , he is totally out of line dragging the child off the sofa like he did . Pack up tonight so you have a quick exit tomorrow

Anon501178 · 11/04/2026 22:37

Goodness me! I can't believe you are still having any contact with a man like this, not alone staying at his house and letting him abuse your kids and yourself!

Did he abuse you as a child? He sounds an absolute horrible piece of work.Your child's reaction should have been enough for you to walk right out and not go back.

And your DH thinking it is okay for you and his kids to stay in such a toxic environment is concerning too!

Hollybobs1 · 11/04/2026 22:59

If it was me, I'd be setting off first thing in the morning and going nc. No way would I tolerate my dad laying 1 finger on my babies. I'm sorry your dad treated you all like this. I hope youre OK, sending hugs 🩷

TempNameForObviousReasons · 12/04/2026 00:14

BollyMolly · 11/04/2026 03:51

People in my family would find it rude if someone allowed a small child to play with buttons on the mechanical chairs that have been bought for older family members with mobility problems, so I would expect to be told off if I let my child do what yours did without saying anything.

Obviously kids are going to want to play on the mobility chair, scooter or stair lift, but they are not toys and parents need to teach them not to press buttons whenever they feel like it. They will get a go on those things if/when the person who needs them
chooses.

Theres a possibility that you do let your children do things that others find unacceptable. It’s not uncommon nowadays with all this gentle parenting nonsense. Sometimes children just need to be told no, but if you think it’s fine for your children to play with someone’s mobility chair then it may be that as a family, you are hard work as guests.

Edited

Thank god you said this.
I totally agree. Oerhaos OPs children ARE feral little monsters and this presumably elderly or ar least much older man has had enough of them trashing his home?
Parents are far too precious nowadays and the family have probably tried numerous times to drop subtle hints regarding discipline etc and now he has finally lost it.
The whole strangulation play. Probably just a Grandpa playing rough with his grandson. Nothing sinister, okay I wouldn't do it but the older generation did this with their sons to toughen them up, a bit dated I know but my Dad did it with my brothers, hardly attempted murder!
All this rubbish about abuse and violence and 'flee to a hotel' show your children how to deal with an abuser...😂
Um no, teach your kids how to behave!!

ToastSoldiers · 12/04/2026 00:33

TempNameForObviousReasons · 12/04/2026 00:14

Thank god you said this.
I totally agree. Oerhaos OPs children ARE feral little monsters and this presumably elderly or ar least much older man has had enough of them trashing his home?
Parents are far too precious nowadays and the family have probably tried numerous times to drop subtle hints regarding discipline etc and now he has finally lost it.
The whole strangulation play. Probably just a Grandpa playing rough with his grandson. Nothing sinister, okay I wouldn't do it but the older generation did this with their sons to toughen them up, a bit dated I know but my Dad did it with my brothers, hardly attempted murder!
All this rubbish about abuse and violence and 'flee to a hotel' show your children how to deal with an abuser...😂
Um no, teach your kids how to behave!!

Show quote history

I thought you were joking, but got to the end and realised, no… Anyway. As the OP has already confirmed a number of times, her dad has no mobility issues, there’s no mobility equipment involved. The child wasn’t playing.

So you can relax and stand down, no mobility equipment was harmed in the making of this thread 😊

BeLoyalCoralHiker · 12/04/2026 08:35

TempNameForObviousReasons · 12/04/2026 00:14

Thank god you said this.
I totally agree. Oerhaos OPs children ARE feral little monsters and this presumably elderly or ar least much older man has had enough of them trashing his home?
Parents are far too precious nowadays and the family have probably tried numerous times to drop subtle hints regarding discipline etc and now he has finally lost it.
The whole strangulation play. Probably just a Grandpa playing rough with his grandson. Nothing sinister, okay I wouldn't do it but the older generation did this with their sons to toughen them up, a bit dated I know but my Dad did it with my brothers, hardly attempted murder!
All this rubbish about abuse and violence and 'flee to a hotel' show your children how to deal with an abuser...😂
Um no, teach your kids how to behave!!

Show quote history

Gentle parenting is not letting your kids do what they want, it’s actually very much about boundaries and consequences and following through.

telling a child off for fiddling with equipment yes, physically manhandling them no. And all this oh rough play is normal to toughen boys up is nonsense. If the dad hates it so much, he shouldn’t invite the op and her family to stay, it’s perfectly normal for grandparents to feel hosting with small kids is too much and just prefer visits!

Voneska · 12/04/2026 12:23

Set Alarm for very early. Get all belongings in car first. Then prepare drinks for journey, put in car. Shepherd children into car ASAP after they wake up. Give minimal reason , very little conversation when you leave, just say you will phone them later. Then GO !!!!!!!! ...I've been in thus situation, but without children in tow. I just jumped out my chair and ssud " IM GOING TO THE PUB !!!!!! ".....I never went back!!!!!! ( for many months). Good Luck !! ..You dont need these TOXIC people around you.

Dalmationday · 12/04/2026 13:25

TempNameForObviousReasons · 12/04/2026 00:14

Thank god you said this.
I totally agree. Oerhaos OPs children ARE feral little monsters and this presumably elderly or ar least much older man has had enough of them trashing his home?
Parents are far too precious nowadays and the family have probably tried numerous times to drop subtle hints regarding discipline etc and now he has finally lost it.
The whole strangulation play. Probably just a Grandpa playing rough with his grandson. Nothing sinister, okay I wouldn't do it but the older generation did this with their sons to toughen them up, a bit dated I know but my Dad did it with my brothers, hardly attempted murder!
All this rubbish about abuse and violence and 'flee to a hotel' show your children how to deal with an abuser...😂
Um no, teach your kids how to behave!!

Show quote history

Gosh how old are you? It’s 2026

RampantIvy · 12/04/2026 14:54

Voneska · 12/04/2026 12:23

Set Alarm for very early. Get all belongings in car first. Then prepare drinks for journey, put in car. Shepherd children into car ASAP after they wake up. Give minimal reason , very little conversation when you leave, just say you will phone them later. Then GO !!!!!!!! ...I've been in thus situation, but without children in tow. I just jumped out my chair and ssud " IM GOING TO THE PUB !!!!!! ".....I never went back!!!!!! ( for many months). Good Luck !! ..You dont need these TOXIC people around you.

PoppyBlunt · Yesterday 09:15
On the way home. Thank you all for giving me the confidence to get out of there rather than spend a day pretending.

FYI ^^

Original poster
PoppyBlunt · 12/04/2026 15:24

Thank you for all the replies, the significant majority of which are very kind and a couple rightly pulling me up on why I was even asking the question and to get out asap - my head was frazzled and I just couldn't quite compute it all.

The small minority of replies agree with my Dad that my children are feral...for putting up a recliner chair. Bamboozling.

They are like any children and play up on occasion, but we have firm boundaries and consequences, they are not feral. But it is very much a case of total obedience in his presence. On reflection I've realised that when we go to his it is almost like a museum. The kids can't touch anything, or even do simple things like moving a curtain slightly to look out of the window / opening a drawer to get playing cards out etc. Seen and not heard.

My Dad also said to me before we left that he wasn't going to change and would always be physical and that's just how he is with boys- apparently he can't help it due to his upbringing (in care in the 1960s and then in the army). My DS's other 3 male grandfathers aren't like this.

He expects me to be physical with them in terms of boundaries / punishment and I will not be.

He only sees us twice a year, so in reality knows nothing about our family and my parenting. Except that it isnt like his. Thank goodness it isn't.

His wife messaged me last night checking in on me and saying that if it was any consolation my Dad wasn't ok. I'm not responding further to them.

OP posts:
Triskellion75 · 12/04/2026 15:34

At least his wife sounds nice. But he really does owe you a very big apology if there's to be any chance of moving forward.

Voneska · 12/04/2026 16:06

As I said before: I have experienced this scenario; I've also received momentary Apologies which meant nothing because they went right back to Toxic. I have walked away, gone back , walked away. My biggest mistake was treating family member as a close friend when in actual fact they were anything but. One of the things I endured was being EAR BLASTED as I lay in bed with coronavirus , during the great pandemic ,and blamed for catching it because I let my spare room to a International student and that I brought it to myself because she had seen her mother to comfort her.After her father succumbed. Not withstanding that I was working on a Isolation unit with Covid patients in.

DierdreDaphne · 12/04/2026 16:21

I feel very sorry for your step brothers OP. I can't help feeling such vitriol towards his own family comes from some awful fucked up place inside himself, but that's not your problem. He has said he won't change. So you are cleared to decide you won't change either, and as such, that behaviour from him towards you and your dc is never going to be tolerated by you, so he won't see you and your family.

Dads wife will doubtless try to guilt trip you, but he 1000% brought it on himself. How she deals with the situation is up to her.

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 12/04/2026 17:05

PoppyBlunt · 12/04/2026 15:24

Thank you for all the replies, the significant majority of which are very kind and a couple rightly pulling me up on why I was even asking the question and to get out asap - my head was frazzled and I just couldn't quite compute it all.

The small minority of replies agree with my Dad that my children are feral...for putting up a recliner chair. Bamboozling.

They are like any children and play up on occasion, but we have firm boundaries and consequences, they are not feral. But it is very much a case of total obedience in his presence. On reflection I've realised that when we go to his it is almost like a museum. The kids can't touch anything, or even do simple things like moving a curtain slightly to look out of the window / opening a drawer to get playing cards out etc. Seen and not heard.

My Dad also said to me before we left that he wasn't going to change and would always be physical and that's just how he is with boys- apparently he can't help it due to his upbringing (in care in the 1960s and then in the army). My DS's other 3 male grandfathers aren't like this.

He expects me to be physical with them in terms of boundaries / punishment and I will not be.

He only sees us twice a year, so in reality knows nothing about our family and my parenting. Except that it isnt like his. Thank goodness it isn't.

His wife messaged me last night checking in on me and saying that if it was any consolation my Dad wasn't ok. I'm not responding further to them.

Your dad isnt okay as in "his behaviour was terrible. I'm sorry"

...or isn't okay like "your poor father he's ever so upset"

Original poster
PoppyBlunt · 12/04/2026 17:57

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 12/04/2026 17:05

Your dad isnt okay as in "his behaviour was terrible. I'm sorry"

...or isn't okay like "your poor father he's ever so upset"

Show quote history

The latter

OP posts:
SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 12/04/2026 18:00

PoppyBlunt · 12/04/2026 17:57

The latter

Show quote history

Thanks for confirming my interpretation was correct.

She's as bad as him. Don't even reply.

Confusional · 12/04/2026 18:33

I’m so sorry OP. It really hurts when you get to this point but know you are anything but a shit parent, you are the person who stopped the generational trauma; you had the strength and power to change x

Anyahyacinth · 12/04/2026 18:53

Reminds me of that Dad who murdered the child who carried him by the shoulder. The total disrespect to you...you are permitting it by staying

Dalmationday · 12/04/2026 19:55

Anyahyacinth · 12/04/2026 18:53

Reminds me of that Dad who murdered the child who carried him by the shoulder. The total disrespect to you...you are permitting it by staying

What’s this, which country?

Porkychops · 12/04/2026 20:02

It was the grandad wasnt it, i rhink they hD recently moved to Wales but came from Wolverhampton.

Anyahyacinth · 13/04/2026 00:13

Porkychops · 12/04/2026 20:02

It was the grandad wasnt it, i rhink they hD recently moved to Wales but came from Wolverhampton.

Ethan Ives-Griffiths is the poor child I was thinking of, the grandfather picked him up bodily by the crook of the neck and shoulder carrying him away from a trampoline…lots of film of him hurting him. When OP said grandfather picked her son up by arm and leg it reminded me.