My Dad told me I'm a shit parent. AIBU to just want to pack up and leave to go home right now?

[PoppyBlunt]

At my Dad and his wife's for the weekend.
Earlier today he shouted at 5yo DS and told him to get off the sofa and stop playing with the buttons (he wasn't playing, had simply sat in the chair bit and raised the foot thing). He then shouted at me to stop DS playing. Before I had a chance to do anything he dragged DS off the sofa by his arm and his leg. This was half an hour after he'd had his hands around DS's neck 'play fighting'.

DS was understandably really shaken up and upset by all of this and had some time upstairs with me and older sibling.

I said to my dad this evening that I was highly uncomfortable with him being physical with the children and I didnt want it happening again or there would a final line drawn..

He got very angry, descending into a rampage of him telling me I'm a "shit parent", my children arent discplined whatsoever, he loves them but doesnt like them at all, they're totally feral, he feels sorry for me because I have allowed them to get like this and bite and kick me (older DC bit me once when 18m old, so guess he is referring to this one instance).

He said older DC understands the word no now, but there are a host of other issues with her.

He said that when they have other families here after they've left they say to one another "so that's what a normal family looks like" and mention us.

All the while he's shouting this at me and effing and blinding throughout.

AIBU to just want to pack up the car and get out of here. He was utterly venomous and I just don't want to be here and especially dont want my children being somewhere with someone who doesn't like them.

DH saying stay put and see how things are tomorrow.

What you permit you promote. Prioritise your children by demonstrating good boundaries and leave.

My heart goes out to you. I ended up leaving the country in my 20s and it took me years and having my own family to truly realise how unacceptable and abusive my father was to me. About seven years ago I took my toddler to stay with them and he lost his shit at me over something utterly minor, but in front of my son. My mother also had called my son ‘stupid’ for something - both times I called them out on it and said I’m not under your roof anymore, I have my own family and these are my rules of engagement. If you ever behave like this again I will stop coming to see you.

I have never stayed under their roof again since and contact is controlled and relatively minimal. Sad, but unfortunately this is how it has to be with people who lack respect and boundaries. Your dad sounds exactly like mine! And it’s hard because they aren’t a c’nt all the time so you end up minimising and excusing it!

Jesus woman get the hell out of there! Your father is the Ind who doesn't know how to behave like a civil human, no one else.

Even if your kids were a bit feral, that's no way to behave.

I’m glad you left. I would not initiate any further contact.

Obviously you leave. I can’t believe your DH let your dad speak to you like that and didn’t step in, my DH wouldn’t have allowed it and we’d have all packed our stuff and left immediately.
Your dad sounds horrible and abusive, I’d be seriously considering no contact after this.

What an absolute child he is. My God how can you listen to him at all.

I would leave it a week, and then text him “I’ve been thinking about what you said that you can only say what you think and feel. The real difficulty is that you are not prepared to extend that courtesy to anyone else. You have a long history of shouting the odds and seem completely unaware that adults in society are expected to be constructive and in control of themselves- neither of which you can stomach doing.

I have no wish to engage in a tit-for-tat character shredding, so I am prepared to accept a proper apology that demonstrates you understand the hurt you have caused, and the actions you will take to prevent a repeat of your frankly disgusting diatribe.”

Don't fall into the trap of appeasing an aggressive bully.
He deserves to be shunned and that is what I would do to him.

I would go right away as what point in staying when you're upset and unwelcome.
Is your dad like this all the time? When you were growing up?
If it's out of character I'd be worrying about Parkinson's , Alzheimer's, etc
If in character is he always so intolerant? I have to say that's a pretty strong attack - maybe your kids are undisciplined and feral?
I freely admit there are several friends I will no longer associate with because their kids are intolerable.

Glad you've left OP. Him having his hands round your child's neck is not play fighting or roughousing at all. I think NC would be best.

Remember what we were told as kids?

" You can do what you want when you get your own house / when you're an adult"?

Maybe he isn't wrong and they do need some discipline but it's not his place to throw a wobbler like that.

This

The problem is that we have often been trained to be loyal to our parents and that makes it hard for you to see his behaviour objectively.

This is spot on.

I'm so gladyou prioritised your children and left this morning. For a grandfather to behave in that manner is absolutely horrible. My father is in his 80's, he has grandchildren from preschool age to mid thirties and he has never behaved in anything close to what your father did. The reclining furniture in Da's house has been turned into forts, princess castles, shops and spaceships using bedspreads and sweeping brushes, the foot rest that pops up has been the bridge trolls live under and many a meal has been shared between grandparent and grandchild on the floor telling stories about the dolls and teddies who had taken all the seats!! This is how the relationship should be and if your father cannot be a nice, caring, gentle, loving example to your children he doesn't deserve them so don't worry about seeing him. Remember a grandparent figure doesn't actually need to be related, my 'granny' was the mother of my fathers best friend, she lived nearby and I spent a lot of time with her as a child, the love I felt a couple of years ago when I met her daughter who had immigrated in the 60's and she told me of her mother's letters being full of what we had gotten up to each week, baking, gardening, me chasing the hens, 'hiding' on my father so I could stay the night etc. You've done the right thing taking your children away from that man, memories of his behaviour is not what a child should have.

Well done for leaving

Ironic that he finds your children feral when Id say that's exactly how he was behaving. Children are impulsive and energetic their brains are not fully developed until in thier 20s. He is a grown man who obviously never learnt some lessons on behaviour himself!!

Yeah, I'm pretty chill, but I'd also be leaving in the morning. Not so much because of the actions towards your child (but they weren't okay at all), but his words to you.
"Dad, your words last night really hurt my feelings. I think it's best for everyone if we just head home now, and that'll give everyone the best chance to cool down."
Prepare to be gas-lit, "Oh, I was only joking, you silly girl!"
I'd go with fairly polite and non-confrontational, purely for the sake of getting out of there. But once home, I think I'd be going fairly low contact for quite some time, and probably no visits for the foreseeable future.

Go and pack up your things. In the morning leave and never come back. What an abusive ahole.

Good point, also with aholes like that, the best way to deal with them is to give no fuel to the fire. OP should say what you’ve said above, then keep away and never see them again unless there’s a turnaround and realisation on their part. Sorry to say OP, but there won’t be. We had to do this with MIL, she was a real nasty piece of work. Total narcissist.

Has your dad always been an abusive cnt? Get your kids away from him.

I’d have left as soon as he dragged him off the sofa.

If it was me, this would be the end. He is clearly abusive and doesn’t think he has done anything wrong.

I can’t believe your husband managed to stay calm. Mine would have definitely gotten handsy at that point.

Definitely leave. Your father sounds horrible! I don't think you need someone like that in your life.
What was he like when you were growing up?

Yeah this post is concerning!

Good for you.
I hope you have a lovely family day today with your husband and children.
Don't give him another thought. He is the one losing out on a relationship with his grandchildren

You did the right thing leaving, your dad’s behaviour to your son and to you was entirely unacceptable and you are right to enforce a boundary. It is so important to give this message to your kids too.

I wouldn’t be reaching out to him, the ball is in his court now to issue a mahoosive apology.

i hope you get to enjoy the rest of the weekend.

I think you have done exactly the right thing by leaving and returning home. Who would want to stay under the roof with a father who has told you that you are shit parent, that your family is nor normal and horrifyingly, that he doesn’t like your children!

I don’t know how often you usually see him, but I would be scaling back any contact from now on. And tell him very bluntly why.