My Dad told me I'm a shit parent. AIBU to just want to pack up and leave to go home right now?

[PoppyBlunt]

At my Dad and his wife's for the weekend.
Earlier today he shouted at 5yo DS and told him to get off the sofa and stop playing with the buttons (he wasn't playing, had simply sat in the chair bit and raised the foot thing). He then shouted at me to stop DS playing. Before I had a chance to do anything he dragged DS off the sofa by his arm and his leg. This was half an hour after he'd had his hands around DS's neck 'play fighting'.

DS was understandably really shaken up and upset by all of this and had some time upstairs with me and older sibling.

I said to my dad this evening that I was highly uncomfortable with him being physical with the children and I didnt want it happening again or there would a final line drawn..

He got very angry, descending into a rampage of him telling me I'm a "shit parent", my children arent discplined whatsoever, he loves them but doesnt like them at all, they're totally feral, he feels sorry for me because I have allowed them to get like this and bite and kick me (older DC bit me once when 18m old, so guess he is referring to this one instance).

He said older DC understands the word no now, but there are a host of other issues with her.

He said that when they have other families here after they've left they say to one another "so that's what a normal family looks like" and mention us.

All the while he's shouting this at me and effing and blinding throughout.

AIBU to just want to pack up the car and get out of here. He was utterly venomous and I just don't want to be here and especially dont want my children being somewhere with someone who doesn't like them.

DH saying stay put and see how things are tomorrow.

Show your children how to set boundaries and how not to tolerate such nasty behaviour. Leave first thing

They won't think anything, they're young. Sometimes you have to change plans.

You didn't cause this situation. It's ok to respect how you feel and step away.

Your kids do not need this minimising. They need to see that someone (family!) Crossed a line and you acted on it. You do not need to pretend to your children. You keep it truthful but age appropriate.

Grandad behaved in a way that really upset me and as a result I can't be around hime right now. No one is allowed to be physically rough with you kids, even grandad. So we're going home. Via another fun activity without him.

Fuck making it all ok. Masking. Minimising. Show your strength, resolve, boundaries.

I don't really get why your husband is staying? If you are going and thinking of taking the kids?

Yabu to leave in the night.
your dad is vu about the physical stuff.
do you think your kids act as bad as he says? It’s quite extreme to say what he’s said.

I’d be more worried about what your children will think about you staying in a house with someone who has physically assaulted them. I’d say it’s important to show them that you will make and defend their boundaries around violence and respect.

Go for the day out if your children are looking forward to it (minus your awful dad) and then head home.

She said her husband is also there, and saying she/they should stay put for now and see what things are like in the morning.

Leave quietly in the morning. Your dad behaved very badly and your kids need to be away from him, perhaps long term. But consider too whether your children are being parented well enough when you visit his home because he sounds at the end of his tether.

People in my family would find it rude if someone allowed a small child to play with buttons on the mechanical chairs that have been bought for older family members with mobility problems, so I would expect to be told off if I let my child do what yours did without saying anything.

Obviously kids are going to want to play on the mobility chair, scooter or stair lift, but they are not toys and parents need to teach them not to press buttons whenever they feel like it. They will get a go on those things if/when the person who needs them
chooses.

Theres a possibility that you do let your children do things that others find unacceptable. It’s not uncommon nowadays with all this gentle parenting nonsense. Sometimes children just need to be told no, but if you think it’s fine for your children to play with someone’s mobility chair then it may be that as a family, you are hard work as guests.

BollyMolly: in my family, kids playing in the mobility chair was a normal part of family life. My father encouraged the children to sit on the chair and taught them to use it. Every family has different rules.
The OP’s father lost it, went right over the top, and now the OP is quite rightly upset. He manhandled her son. It doesn’t matter if the child was being a shit or not, there are appropriate ways to deal with children, and Grandad did not.

Don’t stay if you are upset, OP. If your dad can’t communicate his frustration/problem appropriately, you don’t have to put up with that. I would only stay if he apologised.

I would leave in the morning.

You've done well here OP - keep it up. When relationships change like this its really important for kids not to blame themselves.

Stay as casual and age-appropriate as feels reasonable during your conversations with them, and keep in mind the risk of them internalizing blame (e.g. not "grandad didn't like your behavior but we think he's wrong", rather "grandad seems to have forgotten how to interact with kids").

Go well OP, many of us have been here. In a way your dad has done you a favour by making the situation so obvious.

Mobility wasn't bad enough to stop him assaulting this 5 year old multiple times was it?!

What an obscene defence of child abuse.

OP you are a shit parent if you stay. You are focussed on the angry tirade at you and not the physical assaults on your son.
You need to leave and you need to only ever see him on 'neutral ground' again, if at all.

I’d be getting up early and leaving. No way i’d be going on a day out so he can pass more judgement. There’s no way i’d ever be staying there again. He has crossed a line and i’d be no or very minimal contact.

Kids are asleep, DH there and you feel safe so stay put.
Msybe see how the outing tomorrow goes. But also reflect on this - are your kids a bit rowdy, out of control? Is your Dad suffering some kind of stress or just being a bit of a curmudgeon? What he said was horrible
But try not to blow things up - a lot of the mumsnet advice is very oriented that way, but it’s the path to relationship fracture and not repair

With abusive men The Accusations are Admissions. That’s all you need to remember. Presumably his outburst was completely in character.

I absolutely would leave as early as possible tomorrow and my parting shot would be to tell her “if you ever need help to escape your abuse we’ll be there for you”

He thinks that he can’t possibly be expected to keep his temper when a child touches his stuff. Actually YES he is expected to cope with minor things with good grace and not have a tantrum. He’s an absolute disgrace and a total baby. At some level you think that he can’t be expected not to get angry,

Your husband is kind to want to preserve the peace, but he should have no interest in staying. He should also quietly explain to your father that he is protecting someone he loves from repeated abuse, and you won’t be coming back until he can apologise properly to you and get anger management help.

Thank you all. I'm just waiting for kids and DH to wake up so we can get ready and go.

I've slept about an hour. (DH will be driving). Keep playing it over.

It's not a mobility chair, it's a recliner sofa. He doesnt have mobility issues. DS just sat in and reclined it. Wasn't playing or constantly pushing the buttons or putting it up and down etc.

My Dad went 0-100 with his response.

Pack up in the morning and head home and do something nice as a family on Sunday

No child should be dragged off a chair for misbehaving. No one should put their hands around anyone's neck - even while 'playing'. Why are people minimizing this?

OP protect your child and leave. Let your child know that his safety is more important than keeping an abuser happy.

What he said to OP wasn’t a “telling off” though, was it?

It was an angry tirade from a terrible person that has absolutely no self-control. If he mentioned the chair not being a toy, what his own child heard and remembers was “you’re a shit parent”, “we’re glad when you leave” and “your family is not normal”.
Perhaps you can reflect on that if your own style of correction is similar to his, and ask yourself whether it might be difficult to maintain a relationship with someone for whom such an attack is an acceptable standard of interaction.

Focus on the behaviour towards your DS.

I hope you’re about to leave and head off for an early breakfast somewhere.

Was he like this when you were young?

You're right to leave. And really consider if you visit again. No way would I stay somewhere my child was treated like that, let alone being spoken to like that myself. Get away and have a nice day yourselves.