AIBU to stop taking my children to in-laws after they almost got daughter run over?

[If123]

My in-laws left their gate open and almost got my 2year old run over.
we don’t have a garden so regularly take our dd to my in laws to let her play. Because it was Easter my mil was doing lunch so hubbys gran and bother with his partner are also there. We’ve had a nice day dd has done an Easter egg hunt. It gets to the time to leave and unknown to me fil has opened the gates on to the main A road but hasn’t actually told anyone. Dd is running round with dolly pram in the house and hubby has gone to find changing mat. I am holding our new baby- I’ve had an emergency C-section 6 weeks ago and had a rough recovery so I’m not going anywhere fast.

At this point dd bolts out the door and through gate with dolly pram and into 50mph traffic. Sil runs after to stop the traffic so she doesn’t get hit. By some miracle the cars stop in time and she’s okay thanks to sil. I’m now across the road with sil dd and still holding newborn. In laws do nothing to help- perhaps also in shock. We manage to come back across the road and I’m shouting demanding to know who opened the gates. Fil lies to my face in a childlike wasn’t me and tells me to calm down. In response I have said don’t tell me to calm down my child could have been killed. Hubby stands there and says nothing. I say right we are going and go inside to put baby in car seat. Mil then follows me in and says to me ‘thing is everyone else has been watching your child this afternoon and you haven’t and thats why this has happened’. I wait for hubby to stand up for me or say anything and nothing. I thought maybe he might say that i had been feeding the baby or mention the double standard that his mum had given him now trouble for not watching dd but no. Tell mil she’s being spiteful and we leave.

I am extremely upset about the whole situation. Mil has text me the day after saying she feels bad and they will be more careful with the gate in future. She also says that it’s sil fault that door was open and dd could get out of the house- this is nonsense as the door was being opened and closed to pack things. She says fil had a turn earlier in the day and was being forgetful and didn’t remember at the time if he had opened the gate. I can’t bring myself to respond to mil text she has also tried calling which I have ignored.

AIBU to want to cut contact and make no effort with in laws. I don’t want dd going there until she is old enough to understand road safety more. I suggested to hubby he could meet up with them somewhere else or they come to our house. Im not sure if the relationship is reparable for me since I’m already feeling not my best after C-section recovery and feel like she’s kicked me while I’m down. Hubby says he will still take kids there without me if I’ve got a problem with it. I don’t really know how to move forward.

Not to sound corporate but this needs to go down in your mental near misses/lessons learned book OP. I'm guessing 2yo is your eldest. Toddler proofing a space doesn't just happen once - it's constant dynamic risk assessments. As soon as the door needed to be constantly open to pack the car, knowing there was a 50mph road outside, I'd have taken 2yo in whatever room could be blocked off from the hallway and I'd have sat down on the floor with my back against the door holding newborn - assuming DH couldn't watch her ofc. I'm so glad your girl is okay!

Sorry it’s for you and your DH to watch your 2yo. You cannot just assume safety in someone else’s house. Yabu.

sounds like your MIL has apologised?

Only on mumsnet do I read about people 'cutting contact ' over every disagreement.

this sounds a horrific incident and shock but - really not something to end family relations over.

You've somehow resolved you and your DH of any and all blame? She's your child.

And there was where the ball got dropped. OP had the newborn, the 2 year old should have been supervised by her father. The changing pad waits or ask someone to watch 2 year old while he gets it.

It sounds like the fil might have something going on health wise.

They're very lucky SIL reacted quickly.

I think your PIL were out of order in how they reacted.

If it was just the leaving the gate open I’d say YABU. I do get how things like this happen and it’s happened to me before in large family gatherings when everyone thinks the child is somewhere else (my then twelve month old ds crawled up the very steep stairs at PIL and was toddling around the landing unsupervised!) but I think their reaction was out of order and I’m not surprised you’re upset.

Most people involved are unreasonable
Your FIL for opening the gate without telling anyone
You and your DH for not watching you child
You for lashing out at your MIL

You can't stop your DH taking the children to his parents.

Your husband is a dick. If you are going to stay with him long term, repair the relationship but obviously don’t leave the kids unattended there as you MIL has admitted your FIL is deteriorating mentally. Word of warning: if you do split with your weak husband he’ll probably leave them there on his watch.

This is on you and your DH - sounds like you were pretty hands off parenting and expected everyone to do everything for you . It was an accident and luckily not worse but you can’t blame others she is your responsibility

Yes, they are very lucky SIL jumped into action. Be a shame to go no contact with all the in-laws (including her) over this.

Also, if door was being opened and shut due to packing things/putting them in the car, how can you be 100% sure it was FIL who opened the gate and left it open?

I did wonder how OP knew for a fact that FIL had opened the gate given she didn’t see who opened it nor was there an eyewitness.

He doesn’t remember doing it and because he is forgetful everyone seems to have just gone along with blaming him.

It’s quite possible the toddler could have done it. They are clever.

It was obviously a very scarey incident but I assumed you were going to say that you had left your daughter in your mother in law’s care and you weren’t there when this happened. Given the circumstances, it’s entirely down to you and your husband to look after your child and you should be apologising to your mother in law for ignoring her.

This happened while OP and her husband were both attending to their kids.
So unless OP and her husband have learned to never take their eyes off their kids, that isn’t going to make a difference.

If you were there as the parent it’s your job. Your DH is the problem.

This is a classic situation. It's when a large group of people are together, that accidents happen. Because everyone assumes that someone else is watching the kids at any one time. My friend was at an outdoor party where a three year old drowned in a pool. Everyone was there, but no-one was watching.

Yes, your in-laws reacted badly, but everyone was in shock. Your mum at least recovered from that instant reaction and gave an apology.
Everyone is going to be much more careful now, and your DH will have learned that if he's not watching your child, he needs to ask someone else to watch them while he does whatever task is taking him away from the child.

I had an incident where we were visiting PIL House and my mil left a wax burner lit in her hall on a low table, I hadn't seen it. My son who was 3 at the time lifted and shook it and the hot wax went all over his face. I feel sick when I think how lucky we are it was wax as she sometimes burns oil in these things. I was holding my then 1 year old. I was FUMING at how careless my mil was for having this lit knowing we had three small kids in her house, I also blamed myself for not checking and kept thinking if it had been oil he would have been scarred for life.

After the shock wore off I realised that alot of peoples houses are not child proof and its my job to check around for dangerous things and watch the kids like a hawk. But yes I was so so angry at her at the time, but the reality is she hadn't had small children in 30 odd years and she isn't a hands on grandparent, her house has mouse traps in hidden corners and cleaning products are left around etc so I made sure to NEVER leave my kids there without me ever.

Its a learning thing, no one watches your kids like yourself, hubby needs to focus on toddler while you are both recovering from a c section and also managing your tiny baby.

the door was being opened and closed to pack things.

Now that you know she is a bolter dh and you will be more careful to watch her when doirs are being opebed for packing.

It is no one s fault

When you have a toddler in a garden that’s near something dangerous then you and your husband need to be responsible. If he was engaged looking for the changing mat he needed to tell another of the adults and asked them to keep an eye on your daughter for that time. Toddlers need one person responsible for watching them and you, as parents, need to ensure that happens. If you assume that there’s a load of adults around so ‘someone’ will keep an eye it means that everyone assumes someone else is doing it.

I think this is one of those instances where lots of decisions all aligned to result in an awful dangerous situation. Opening the gate is absolutely baffling behaviour, but he isn't used to having to think of a child being there, so perhaps wasn't second nature to shut it behind him. There were lots of adults there but no one person nominated to be in charge of keeping her in sight and safe. This is exactly how children sadly drown at family parties etc. I would let the adrenaline die down for a while and leave making any dramatic decisions until tempers have calmed.

This could have been a tragedy and I'm very glad it wasn't. However there were multiple 'failures' in this including no-one directly supervising the 2yo whilst the front door was open, as well as the gate being left open. FIL may genuinely have not remembered leaving the gate open. As it's not normally an issue for them, he may not have registered opening it.

I would let the dust settle and then make a plan. Personally I would still visit but insist the gate is properly shut and the front door remains shut. I would also task your DH with keeping a very close eye on your DD and when you have recovered, agree which of you is 'in charge' at any moment. I would expect PIL to be on board with any plans.

your dh shouold have ben the one looking out for her and sticking up for you he did neither

you should be mad at him

If you think 2 year olds are not fast then you obviously haven't experienced a fast two year old. They can be very flipping fast

It sounds like lots of overreacting all around because no one wants to take the blame for what could have happened and thank goodness your child is okay. It sounds like everyone thought someone else was watching, so no one was actually watching. I don't think it's reasonable to cut them off but think about how you and your husband manage having 2 children- you were busy with the baby so he should have had the 2 year old. We have multiple children and wherever we are we always say- I'm watching A and B, you've got C and D. If you need to stop watching someone you are watching, tell the other person (or another adult)- can you watch B while I take A to the bathroom?

This is not something I'd go NC over.

Things get left open and kids can be curious and run. That's why eyes on them at all times.

I'd be checking with MIL to find out if FIL needs some assistance and husband is going to have to supervise the 2 year old if she's over there.