AIBU to stop taking my children to in-laws after they almost got daughter run over?

[If123]

My in-laws left their gate open and almost got my 2year old run over.
we don’t have a garden so regularly take our dd to my in laws to let her play. Because it was Easter my mil was doing lunch so hubbys gran and bother with his partner are also there. We’ve had a nice day dd has done an Easter egg hunt. It gets to the time to leave and unknown to me fil has opened the gates on to the main A road but hasn’t actually told anyone. Dd is running round with dolly pram in the house and hubby has gone to find changing mat. I am holding our new baby- I’ve had an emergency C-section 6 weeks ago and had a rough recovery so I’m not going anywhere fast.

At this point dd bolts out the door and through gate with dolly pram and into 50mph traffic. Sil runs after to stop the traffic so she doesn’t get hit. By some miracle the cars stop in time and she’s okay thanks to sil. I’m now across the road with sil dd and still holding newborn. In laws do nothing to help- perhaps also in shock. We manage to come back across the road and I’m shouting demanding to know who opened the gates. Fil lies to my face in a childlike wasn’t me and tells me to calm down. In response I have said don’t tell me to calm down my child could have been killed. Hubby stands there and says nothing. I say right we are going and go inside to put baby in car seat. Mil then follows me in and says to me ‘thing is everyone else has been watching your child this afternoon and you haven’t and thats why this has happened’. I wait for hubby to stand up for me or say anything and nothing. I thought maybe he might say that i had been feeding the baby or mention the double standard that his mum had given him now trouble for not watching dd but no. Tell mil she’s being spiteful and we leave.

I am extremely upset about the whole situation. Mil has text me the day after saying she feels bad and they will be more careful with the gate in future. She also says that it’s sil fault that door was open and dd could get out of the house- this is nonsense as the door was being opened and closed to pack things. She says fil had a turn earlier in the day and was being forgetful and didn’t remember at the time if he had opened the gate. I can’t bring myself to respond to mil text she has also tried calling which I have ignored.

AIBU to want to cut contact and make no effort with in laws. I don’t want dd going there until she is old enough to understand road safety more. I suggested to hubby he could meet up with them somewhere else or they come to our house. Im not sure if the relationship is reparable for me since I’m already feeling not my best after C-section recovery and feel like she’s kicked me while I’m down. Hubby says he will still take kids there without me if I’ve got a problem with it. I don’t really know how to move forward.

Tell DH to fuck off, he is prioritising his sexist, shitty parents over his children’s safety.

But the PIL are not blaming their son, just OP, who was taking care of her newborn, so they can fuck off.

I had a one year old and a newborn. Ex hubby stayed with one year old at all times, unless I was with him.

What’s your H excuse?

The PIL are blaming OP, the woman, not their son, so they can get a massive fuck off, not an apology.

Why couldn’t DH take toddler to get the mat? why do you always blame a woman for everything?

It's entirely the fault of you and your partner. She's your daughter. You took your eye off the ball. Very unpleasant to try and shift the blame to your inlaws, and question their mental health. They could equally well question yours.

Sorry OP this is on you and you husband, newborn or not one of you needs to be watching the 2 year old at all times, it is an age where they are all go and into everything.
Whether you trust your inlaws is a separate issue. I would have concerns if she was in the front garden with access to a busy road tbh, doesn't sounds the safest place for a toddler.

obv a massive terrible shock but sorry your child your responsibility. I dont see how having a c section 6 weeks ago makes you not be able to watch and supervise your child and I think your DH is another problem too where was he when this was going on ?

If you were sat with the baby then shouldn't it be your husband that is looking after your other child? He's the one to blame. If your husband had to do something and could take the toddler then you should have been watching your 2 year old. Even if the door was closed your 2 year old could have hurt themselves doing something else. If I'm visiting people then I don't expect them to watch my children. I'm constantly watching them as the house will probably not be baby/toddler proof or they could damage something.

And the idiot that left the gate open knowing that there was a toddler in the house/garden.

This nails it. Your shock made you lash out at your In laws, I feel you owe them an apology.

What a horrible shock for everyone present. Horrid words were said in the heat of the moment. As others have said, despite so many adults present, no-one was solely responsible for your daughter's safety. Feel lucky nothing untoward happened. It was a learning experience and don't take it out on anyone else, who also I'm sure have learned a lesson too. Accept your MIL's apologies and apologise back to others. Don't mull and fret and continue this as a negative experience but think of it as a useful lesson instead and expect more bumps along Life's road.

i agree with this but not the apology part. I don’t think you owe them an apology. You were scared and recovering from major surgery and exhausted. You aren’t going to be at your best. Ultimately though your child is your responsibility though. Yes, not great if they forgot to close the gate but sounds like you were there too, so ultimately ensuring your child’s safety (she shouldn’t be running off - she should be on reins if you can’t control her) is your responsibility.

im glad your little girl is ok.

I think you are overreacting. Maybe hormones still? No-one did anything on purpose it was just an unfortunate series of events. One of those occasions where there are a lot of adults about and it’s not clear who is responsible for the toddler. I think in general it would be fine to visit again. When cars are being packed or the front door is opening and closing for another reason make sure that one person is responsible for the toddler.

I do understand that it must have been a massive shock for you. When my daughter was a similar age she slipped on a hill and went rolling really quickly downhill towards a river. We were with the in-laws then but carried on seeing them.

It sounds to me like your FIL should not be driving OP.

You must report him to DVLA if you genuinely believe he isn't safe before he causes an accident. I don't mean in a spiteful way to retaliate for your awful incident at Easter - just to make sure he doesn't hurt himself or anyone else.

I tried to find a link to share to do so, but couldn't find a straightforward answer! A previous MN thread suggested this: contact.dvla.gov.uk/driver/capture-transaction-type

Your kid. Your problem.

This. Sounds like there were 5 adults in the house and it was an accident. If any fingers are to be pointed, it's to the parents and as OP was at that point in charge of the baby then it's OPs husband who should have been looking after their 2 year old.

Realistically it's been an accident and there's been over reactions all round. Except from the husband who seemed to do sod all when it kicked off

NC with il is ott, it was an accident which fortunately didn't cause any harm to your DD and hopefully everyone will have learnt and will supervise a lot better in the future, it would be a shame for your DD not to be able to play in the garden any longer, just ensure that the gate is properly locked

It sounds like they’ve been very good to you, allowing you visit so DD can enjoy the garden, watching your child while entertaining guests, they’d been watching her all day while you looked after your newborn. What was your DH doing?
You need them more than they need you, they’re attentive DGP excluding this mistake.
Going NC would be ridiculous especially as you both find it difficult to mind two children.
The aul classic = you have a DH problem.

I’d probably still visit as it was a accident and they are DH’s parents but I’d arrange it so neither of my kids were ever out of my sight and I wouldn’t trust them to babysit I’m afraid.

I think your husband is the problem. An accident like this can happen when the house is busy which is why the parents need to be switched on at all times. Since your 6 weeks post c section with a tiny baby, this was on your husband and it’s also on him for not sticking up for you when your MIL proceeded to blame you. I wouldn’t stop going but I would expect DH to have a big chat about how they treated you afterwards and he is now on toddler duty every time you’re there.

Everyone is understandably in shock. It is frightening to contemplate what might have happened, but it didn’t. Your daughter is safe and getting angry and apportioning blame is not helping the situation.
I’m sure everyone will take much more care in future and there is no need to make drastic decisions or say anything that you may come to regret.

For me the main thing that stands out to me is your husbands behaviour- he said nothing about your daughter, nothing when his mum was rude to you and now says he will take them there without you if you have a problem. This was an unfortunate incident but the reactions speak loudly imo.

I think you all need to calm down.

This was a horrible thing to happen, but presumably, they love your daughter and would therefore be shocked and upset as well? Shocked and upset people don't always say the right things, and I think MIL texting the day after was because she realised that.

If it were me, and this wasn't a pattern of neglectful actions, then I'd wait for everything to simmer down and forget about it.

I’m not sure why everyone is being so harsh to op. If you’re in an environment that you visit often and you believe has been made safe how is it your fault if someone opens a padlocked gate?! Clearly FIL is to blame, obviously it wasn’t malicious, but it’s up to all adults to keep the children of the world safe surely. Especially their grandparents!

if your child is at nursery and a member of staff leaves the gate open, causing a child to escape, yes staff should be watching, but when you have multiple kids to watch you don’t look at them every second. It’s not possible. They can slip out in a second. Especially if you believe they are in a secure environment. The person who left the gate open is most at fault, even though the staff should be watching too.

for me in order to have any trust or forgiveness, I’d need to feel like fil owned up to his mistake and helped make steps to preventing. I’d find it pretty hard to get past otherwise.

i think going no contact is too far, and I do agree with too many adults assuming others are watching often is when accidents happen. And your husband has a lot to answer for.

id go round after a little time to let things cool off and make sure your husband has the padlock key and stay indoors. Plus I’d never let her out of my sight there anymore.