AIBU to stop taking my children to in-laws after they almost got daughter run over?

[If123]

My in-laws left their gate open and almost got my 2year old run over.
we don’t have a garden so regularly take our dd to my in laws to let her play. Because it was Easter my mil was doing lunch so hubbys gran and bother with his partner are also there. We’ve had a nice day dd has done an Easter egg hunt. It gets to the time to leave and unknown to me fil has opened the gates on to the main A road but hasn’t actually told anyone. Dd is running round with dolly pram in the house and hubby has gone to find changing mat. I am holding our new baby- I’ve had an emergency C-section 6 weeks ago and had a rough recovery so I’m not going anywhere fast.

At this point dd bolts out the door and through gate with dolly pram and into 50mph traffic. Sil runs after to stop the traffic so she doesn’t get hit. By some miracle the cars stop in time and she’s okay thanks to sil. I’m now across the road with sil dd and still holding newborn. In laws do nothing to help- perhaps also in shock. We manage to come back across the road and I’m shouting demanding to know who opened the gates. Fil lies to my face in a childlike wasn’t me and tells me to calm down. In response I have said don’t tell me to calm down my child could have been killed. Hubby stands there and says nothing. I say right we are going and go inside to put baby in car seat. Mil then follows me in and says to me ‘thing is everyone else has been watching your child this afternoon and you haven’t and thats why this has happened’. I wait for hubby to stand up for me or say anything and nothing. I thought maybe he might say that i had been feeding the baby or mention the double standard that his mum had given him now trouble for not watching dd but no. Tell mil she’s being spiteful and we leave.

I am extremely upset about the whole situation. Mil has text me the day after saying she feels bad and they will be more careful with the gate in future. She also says that it’s sil fault that door was open and dd could get out of the house- this is nonsense as the door was being opened and closed to pack things. She says fil had a turn earlier in the day and was being forgetful and didn’t remember at the time if he had opened the gate. I can’t bring myself to respond to mil text she has also tried calling which I have ignored.

AIBU to want to cut contact and make no effort with in laws. I don’t want dd going there until she is old enough to understand road safety more. I suggested to hubby he could meet up with them somewhere else or they come to our house. Im not sure if the relationship is reparable for me since I’m already feeling not my best after C-section recovery and feel like she’s kicked me while I’m down. Hubby says he will still take kids there without me if I’ve got a problem with it. I don’t really know how to move forward.

Sorry I’m with PP on this, why wasn’t your DH watching your child.

There are always going to be hazards in your child’s life - open gates, hot stoves, busy roads etc. You cannot realistically blame everyone else because neither parent was making sure she was safe.

Both OP and her husband were standing there when MIL said her bit:

Hubby stands there and says nothing. I say right we are going and go inside to put baby in car seat. Mil then follows me in and says to me ‘thing is everyone else has been watching your child this afternoon and you haven’t and thats why this has happened’. I wait for hubby to stand up for me or say anything and nothing. I thought maybe he might say that i had been feeding the baby or mention the double standard that his mum had given him now trouble for not watching dd but no. Tell mil she’s being spiteful and we leave.

MIL was likely addressing both of them with the plural you and husband said nothing because he know his mum was right. He was right there too, if he wasn’t there hearing it from MIL with OP she wouldn’t have waited for him to say something. OP could be assuming it was only said to her.

Your DH has thrown you under the bus. You were looking after the baby and still recovering from a C-section so he should have been watching your DD. His dad also caused the problem by opening the gate onto the main road and not telling anybody. Your DH has threatened to just take both kids to his parents when neither he nor they can be trusted to keep them safe. He is putting his parents before you and his children.

I think YABU!

It's a massive fright to get and a horrible scare and no doubt you'll be thinking of the "but what it's for a long time. But it's absolutely not a reason cut contact with your in-laws over it. Depending on what side you want to take, no one is to blame and everyone is to blame.

Learn from it. Either specifically designate someone to watch your 2 year old "can you watch her while we pack our things up" or divide it between you and your OH.

Sometimes when there is an abundance of adults around everything assumes another adult is watching the kids and it ends up nobody is watching them.

Take a breather. Be thankful nothing bad happened. Learn from it. And let it go!

The clearest and most obvious cause of this near tragedy was your FIL opening the gate without telling anybody. If he hadn't done that nothing would have happened. And then to deny that he had done it. Then MIL has a go at you because you were dealing with a newborn and hardly mobile - conveniently excluding your husband, her son, from any responsibility whatsoever. I mean your child was nearly killed because of her husband's actions and you'd think she'd be at least apologetic. I think it is very probable that your FIL has dementia of some kind because his behaviour was so odd. I think he will be a continuing threat to your children. Don't assume he will not repeat the exact same behaviour. Your ILs don't sound very nice but I suppose they are at least loyal to each other which is more than you can say about your own husband.

@LeeshaPaper

Yep. From the view of our living room window, I once watched what looked very much like the top of my small child’s head running past the wall of our front garden off down the street…

Furrowed Brow… That looked like… Oh no!!

Queue a quick run out the front door to retrieve said small child, who had snuck from behind me, out the back door and through the side gate. They’re quick!!

Oh and have a word with your OH about standing up for you in future! He was the most unreasonable in this situation..

Or the husband while putting things away.. oh I’ll just be a minute to get the changing mat, off he goes and off the toddler goes. Then FIL gets the blame.

It’s very possible FIL did do it and forgot, I just don’t understand how OP is so sure it was him.

You and your DH should probably learn how to parent your children before you risk leaving your house again tbh.

The obvious cause is that the child’s parents take her to her grandparents to run around as they don’t have a garden, and clearly think everyone should be watching their child/adjusting their behaviour while they do this. All while they don’t.

Where was DH when all this happened? Not running across the road it sounds like. I wouldn’t be happy for him to take the kids to his parents if he’s not on the ball and his dad is having “turns” and can’t remember if he’s left things open

When my Dh was very small, he managed to cycle onto the main road on his tricycle (in London) and all the cars were hooting at him. He got rescued by the police and MIL came to pick him up. He was eating M & Ms and his mum's first words to him..not you could have been killed! Her first words- M & Ms are not Kosher!

I asked her about this years later and she smiled and said, silly boy it was passover. Hence i reacted this way.

When my own son was born, she refused to pick me up from the hosputal when i was admitted for heavy bleeding, told my dh that my 2 month old son is a bully as he told her we had to leave early for his bath and wanted to put him in the celler when he was a few months over the holiday season

Dh has gone no contact and wishes we did so earlier.. trust your gut.

You not long ago had major surgery.. Your dh is a fucking sap not defending you. Ils can visit you with dh around. Your dc won't be going with dh since he can't parent them. And ils are arseholes...

How do you know FIL did indeed leave the gate open? Also , an outside gate being open would not be an issue IF the door wasn’t also open and IF a 2 yo wasn’t running around unsupervised. All these three things had to happen simultaneously for this incident to happen.

You need to speak to your DH, he should’ve stood up for you when your MIL was being unkind.

i wouldn’t stop your PIL from seeing DD, it was a terrible mistake and hopefully everyone can learn from it, but I would definitely not leave her there unsupervised if FIL is prone to having funny turns and being forgetful.

Massive over reaction on your part and as literally everyone else has said, you're blaming the wrong person and denying what sound like loving grandparents access to their grandkids due to your and your DH's negligence is downright cruel

There things happen, let it go

Hmm.

I can see both sides.

Your child is your responsibility, wherever you are, unless you have specifically said "I am popping to the loo, can you watch Tarquin".

Leaving the gate open was stupid and whichever adult did that needs a kick up the bum to not do it again.

But the two things that stand out to me are (1) you regularly take your child to you In-laws so they can play in the garden and (2) your child was running around indoors with a pram.

Is what your MIL said, that everyone else has been watching your child, true? Have you somehow got into the habit of being less aware of what your daughter is doing in MILs house?

Your DH and FIL both sound thick and useless

It is nonstop. My 2yo youngest almost drowned once in a baby pool under the nose of a lifeguard! I was in and had her rescued despite having a broken knee in a knee brace before the lifeguard had even noticed anything was off. You can never ever let your guard down.

This. And he should stick up for you with them blaming YOU for not watching your child?! WTAF.

It was not totally your IL’s fault here but their reaction was nasty. Of course as a mother who is a) not as mobile as usual and b) looking after a newborn baby you need family support to watch your older child at a gathering like that. Her DAD was there what was he doing?!

I would put your foot down - and say that no he is not taking her there without you because you do not want her to have any more near misses.

The danger is that when you are in a house full of family, everyone thinks someone else is watching the kids. When we visit PILs, DH and I quickly learned that one of us always needs to be 'on duty'. We literally discuss this and always know who is 'on'. Now is a good time to start that if / when you visit again.

This. It’s actually one of the worst situations, having loads of adults around but no one actually taking sole responsibility. Ultimately it’s too easy to think someone else is watching the child, which both you and your husband did and must take some responsibility for. I’d argue that MIL wasn’t too far off the mark saying about how everyone else had been watching your daughter all day, and maybe it came out more harsh than intended because everyone was so shocked and stressed.

Obviously the gate being opened should’ve been communicated but it’s easy to miss things in a hubbub and it should’ve been obvious the house wasn’t fully secure given cars were being packed up and would be moving soon. Your husband just wandering off without a worry in that situation was very silly indeed.

Sounds like a horrible fright. It’s very normal I would say to cast about to blame other people for something so scary happening.

It’s very possible MIL addressed the comment to both of them since they were standing together.

I'm obviously mad because I think FIL is fine to open his gates whenever he wants and not tell everyone. Why assume the gates are always closed? That's surely a recipe for disaster. They need to be open for the cars leaving. If he thought everyone finished in the garden it's completely reasonable. Also in fairness to MIL she lashed out at her DIL who was blaming everyone else for endangering her child. I can understand how in the heat of the moment MIL lay it all at her door, she's obviously calmed down and realised that's mental and apologised. Also I kind of agree with MIL in that this happened because a toddler wasn't supervised- nothing to do with the gates.

Yabu

Dh should have been watching dc. It was time to leave so natural the gates are opened.

I think you need to take a breath, not apportion blame. Things were said in the heat of the moment. Id calm down then go round and clear the air.