AIBU to stop taking my children to in-laws after they almost got daughter run over?

[If123]

My in-laws left their gate open and almost got my 2year old run over.
we don’t have a garden so regularly take our dd to my in laws to let her play. Because it was Easter my mil was doing lunch so hubbys gran and bother with his partner are also there. We’ve had a nice day dd has done an Easter egg hunt. It gets to the time to leave and unknown to me fil has opened the gates on to the main A road but hasn’t actually told anyone. Dd is running round with dolly pram in the house and hubby has gone to find changing mat. I am holding our new baby- I’ve had an emergency C-section 6 weeks ago and had a rough recovery so I’m not going anywhere fast.

At this point dd bolts out the door and through gate with dolly pram and into 50mph traffic. Sil runs after to stop the traffic so she doesn’t get hit. By some miracle the cars stop in time and she’s okay thanks to sil. I’m now across the road with sil dd and still holding newborn. In laws do nothing to help- perhaps also in shock. We manage to come back across the road and I’m shouting demanding to know who opened the gates. Fil lies to my face in a childlike wasn’t me and tells me to calm down. In response I have said don’t tell me to calm down my child could have been killed. Hubby stands there and says nothing. I say right we are going and go inside to put baby in car seat. Mil then follows me in and says to me ‘thing is everyone else has been watching your child this afternoon and you haven’t and thats why this has happened’. I wait for hubby to stand up for me or say anything and nothing. I thought maybe he might say that i had been feeding the baby or mention the double standard that his mum had given him now trouble for not watching dd but no. Tell mil she’s being spiteful and we leave.

I am extremely upset about the whole situation. Mil has text me the day after saying she feels bad and they will be more careful with the gate in future. She also says that it’s sil fault that door was open and dd could get out of the house- this is nonsense as the door was being opened and closed to pack things. She says fil had a turn earlier in the day and was being forgetful and didn’t remember at the time if he had opened the gate. I can’t bring myself to respond to mil text she has also tried calling which I have ignored.

AIBU to want to cut contact and make no effort with in laws. I don’t want dd going there until she is old enough to understand road safety more. I suggested to hubby he could meet up with them somewhere else or they come to our house. Im not sure if the relationship is reparable for me since I’m already feeling not my best after C-section recovery and feel like she’s kicked me while I’m down. Hubby says he will still take kids there without me if I’ve got a problem with it. I don’t really know how to move forward.

The way they managed the aftermath wasn’t great. But I also think this weals series of unfortunate events and people acting like they usually do rather than adjusting to the fact there are small children around.

I think if you go round there, you and DH need to be keeping an eye rather than assuming everyone else is as they’re obviously forgetful. Accept the apology and adjust accordingly.

your DH is a wimp who should’ve stuck up for you.

This. It was an accident in a situation where ultimately you are responsible, C section or not. You simply can not rest on your laurels in a situation where there is a small gathering and a slight chance that each person thinks another is 'keeping an eye on such and such a child'. And sexist though it is, it is almost a woman's second sense. Men. not so much. I'm sure it would be less likely to happen if PIL are caring for your toddler on a 1:1.

How do you know 100% that FIL left the gate open?

I was one week post emergency c section and my brother in law decided that it would be a good time for us to walk 2 miles and stop by his friend's exhibition. Lol. So i did walk that 2 miles with ds in tow.

I learnt from that that family doesnt give a fuck and it sounds OP's family is similar.

was it definitely fil who had opened the gate @If123

You've had a scare with your 2 yr olds safety i can understand the horror you must feel. However, your child is your DH and your responsibility and as you were looking after a newborn and recovering from C SECTION the person responsible here for supervising your child and ensuring the environment is safe is your DH.

It would never have crossed my mind to stop taking my children to their grandparents after a one-off event like that. Terrifying for all concerned, yes - and clearly a situation where all were equally to blame, including you.

Would you stop taking them to your parents' house if the same thing had happened there? If one day your toddler narrowly escapes another disaster at your own house because you're preoccupied with the baby, will you ban yourself from seeing your kids?

I’d ask her personally. Because you were both there
thing is everyone else has been watching your child this afternoon and you haven’t and thats why this has happened’

Unless she has form for being a sexist woman?

this

When everyone is responsible no one is responsible.

1. maybe lied maybe he didn’t. Even if he did, considering MIL’s mention of a funny turn and forgetfulness it could be an issue of ill health rather than stupidity.
2. The child was running around in the house. Nothing stupid about that.
3. Without the door being open , the child couldn’t have got to the gate. She was safe inside the house. It’s not stupid to point that out.

For this whole situation to happen, 4 things had to happen ALL at once. The toddler was allowed to run about in the house, the toddler was unsupervised, the door was left open AND the gate was left open. Everyone was at fault if we really insist in assigning blame.

I so hate how everyone is exist. How can your Mil make this about you not supervising and your DH accept that. What a pair of AHs.

If your FIL has dementia, it's not a good idea to have your young child playing in their front garden. Do they have a safer back garden? If not I would def not let her visit unless there is a baby gate stopping her getting out the door. Even then FIL might forget he left it open.

The reality is your DH should have been supervising, you aren't in a position to supervise with a 6-week old and having had a c-section.

IMO YANBU in not trusting your in laws to keep your child safe. But if I were you, I would taking a huge strip off my DH for being a lazy tw@t and not looking after his daughter too. That is where the whole thing fell over.

Your child and 100% your and dh’s responsibility. If you were feeding the baby, what was DH doing? He should have been looking out for dd and making sure she was safe.
I think you need to apologise to mil and have a talk with dh for also being a wimp on the day and allowing mil to lay into you rather than taking responsibility himself.
To say you’re now not allowing dd to visit her grandparents is a massive overreaction and also not fair for your dd who will miss out.
Mil has apologised so go with that and move on and learn from the experience.

Hubby says he will still take kids there without me if I’ve got a problem with it.

Good.

He's mature enough to know that this was a terrible accident and that from now on, he'll make sure he looks after his child more carefully.

What happened was obviously a terrible shock, but you're overreacting by banning your child from their home until she's older.

You are NOT being unreasonable.

For many reasons....It isn't just that they left the gate open...it's that they refused to sincerely apologize or take any accountability. You just had a C section, of course you can't run, and you were not the one who opened the gate, so how your MIL could blame this on you and then later your SIL is outrageous. Your FIL sounds like a a complete coward.

Your husband, however, is the biggest coward. This is his child too and his family nearly got her killed. Sounds like he cares more about keeping the peace with his parents than standing up for his toddler and his wife.

I would not allow my child alone in their care or even for my husband to take them to their house at this point because the grandparents are far too careless and your husband is not capable of doing the right thing.

As for you, given how they lied to you, deflected, and then twisted their actions to blame you, I would absolutely keep all contact with them to the most minimal as possible, polite interaction, extremely limited, and I do mean, extremely.

This is unforgivable. They broke all trust on many levels.

They sound like a pair of egomaniacs if they can't accept responsibility for their part in this and offer a sincere apology.

And your husband has some major growing up to do now that he's a father...of two!

They should not be given a second chance to put your child in harm.

I don't think you're being unreasonable as such OP, I can 100% see why you'd be extremely upset and shaken by this event. It was very unfair for your MIL to jump to blaming you, but people do speak before thinking in heated scenarios like this, but I don't think it's grounds to cut contact and stop going round there - you need a plan/rules in place to keep your children safe whilst there.

Did you and your DH discuss and confirm that he would be in charge of your 2yo whilst at the house beforehand? You may not have thought to do so if this was your first family event since the birth of your second baby, but it really is essential to do so at family events like this I've found as there is a sort of devolved responsibility effect when there are lots of adults present - it's easy to assume someone is watching them when in fact no one is, even for a split second.

I find that no one is as good at looking out for my children as I am (or my MIL to be honest as she is a superhero mum/grandma and has high safety standards like me!), so I recall having to constantly remind my OH to keep an eye on our first born when I was tied up with our second. It may seem like you're 'nagging' but who cares about that when it's to ensure your child is safe.

You’re not wrong to be upset, but sometimes in these situations, one person expressing anger and upset causes others to fall silent, or to take up different positions. What people do in the heat of the situation isn’t necessarily what they actually think when it all calms down.

Focusing on the stupid things people said, or trying to allocate who was to blame for what, is pointless.

There’s a good chance that lessons have been learned, and everyone will be more safety conscious in future.

Or maybe they won’t, and you and dh will have learned to be much more vigilant when you’re there.

My in laws were clueless when it came to child safety, so I was always there with them until they were old enough to mind themselves. They have lovely relationships with their gps and I wouldn’t take that away from my dc.

Sorry you are being unreasonable. You’re six weeks PP, not an invalid. It sounds likes you sat around the whole time using your newborn as an excuse not to get involved with your two year old. Yes the gate shouldn’t have been left open, but between you and DH you should have had eyes on her at all times! She is your responsibility.

YABU ultimately you and your dh are responsible for dd’s safety. It would be different if you weren’t there and gp’s were looking after her. I would be raging at my husband not my mil.

This.

You sound unhinged and chronically alone. Op it’s their fault. It’s everyone’s responsibility there to ensure the place is safe for children. Leaving doors open like that with a toddler around is just stupid. MIL has apologised accept the apology and make amends.

It’s really good to see all opinions because it’s hard to see the situation for what it is when it’s all so fresh.

To clear up a couple of points- FIL has not got dementia but does have TIA’s. He had a turn earlier in the day which could have been one but they didn’t want to go to A and E because it will affect their travel insurance for their cruise in 2 months time.

DD does always have access to the garden while there as she does laps as it’s a wraparound garden so she goes out the front and round through the back door then through the house with the dolly pram. The driveway and garden are all in 1 with big gates at the front onto the road.

I knew gate was FIL because it is padlocked and he keeps the key. I am usually so paranoid and regularly check the fence to make sure secure. As we all knew she had access to the garden as she always does when she goes there it did shocked me that he would open the gate without checking where dd was or telling anyone. Yes I realise I should have not trusted husband to be capable to do this instead because clearly we both managed to drop the ball.

She regularly goes to spend an afternoon there without us around as they beg to see her but now I think this isn’t safe especially since you’ve got an elderly man who is in denial and won’t seek medical attention. I’ve come to the conclusion that MIL is basically a babysitter for FIL so can’t actually look after a child on top but wouldn’t have been honest about it.

im now worried fir future childcare options as FIL is clearly not in a right state to be supervising kids and needs supervision himself. He’s still driving which I’ve said several times is not safe but MIL doesn’t drive and likes being chauffeured around. I hate to imagine if tables had turned and he was one of the drivers on the road when she ran out because he probably wouldn’t have even noticed he hit anything.

Also everyone on this thread will have zero sympathy for you. Grandparents have zero responsibility towards grandkids and postpartum mums are vilified on mumsnet so pay no heed to most posters. In reality they were unreasonable and unsafe.

I really have no answer to your AIBU, but I had a very scary experience when DD was a newborn and my hormones were all over the place ( DD 2 days old walking with her in sling, DH and dog along single track lane minutes from our house and we were almost mown down by a boy racer if we were slightly further along the road we would have been in his path as he came around a blind bend at a very high speed). My advice is speak to your HV or midwife (if still under them), my DD is 8 now and it still plays on my mind now and then. Hormones and near death experiences aren't a great combo.

I think your reaction of being upset and defensive isn’t unreasonable, you had a horrible scare, and having a newborn and recovering from birth and a c section will be a factor there too.

I think cutting the family off is an over reaction though, it sounds like nobody actually knew that your child wasn’t being supervised appropriately, and as the parents, when you know people are in and out of the house putting stuff in the car, you or dh should have asked someone to keep an eye on the child while helps you change babies nappy.

Anyone could leave the gate open, delivery guys, neighbours, other kids, and it’s not just a case of waiting until you child understands road safety, it’s a case of the grown adults having the sense to realise that when people are in and out of the car, someone needs to asked to keep a close eye on the children.

I’d be buying a spring so that the gate or some mechanson to ensure gate automatically closes, make sure any latches are too high for children to reach, start teaching dd she is never to leave the house/gate without holding the hand an adult, you can start teaching her that now, if you and dh are inside and know people are packing the car,then assume the door and gate will open and supervise appropriatly or ask someone else to.

These are things I had to do when visiting my mum and I got laughed at a little by wider family for being too uptight, I don’t care, my brother got into so many accident La when the larger family gatherings were happening, including being run over, mum and her siblings used to think visiting grans house meant relaxing/break time for them and just blamed “someone else” when entirely avoidable serious accidents happened.

My ils were twats. Through and through.. They had a huge garden pond... At fil's suggestion they had a huge grilled cover fitted. I was surprised tbh. I think he knew we wouldn't be visiting if he hadn't. Ime the hosts have to shoulder some responsibility for keeping their home and it's guests safe. So those gates should have remained locked.