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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to stop taking my children to in-laws after they almost got daughter run over?

325 replies

If123 · 09/04/2026 19:59

My in-laws left their gate open and almost got my 2year old run over.
we don’t have a garden so regularly take our dd to my in laws to let her play. Because it was Easter my mil was doing lunch so hubbys gran and bother with his partner are also there. We’ve had a nice day dd has done an Easter egg hunt. It gets to the time to leave and unknown to me fil has opened the gates on to the main A road but hasn’t actually told anyone. Dd is running round with dolly pram in the house and hubby has gone to find changing mat. I am holding our new baby- I’ve had an emergency C-section 6 weeks ago and had a rough recovery so I’m not going anywhere fast.

At this point dd bolts out the door and through gate with dolly pram and into 50mph traffic. Sil runs after to stop the traffic so she doesn’t get hit. By some miracle the cars stop in time and she’s okay thanks to sil. I’m now across the road with sil dd and still holding newborn. In laws do nothing to help- perhaps also in shock. We manage to come back across the road and I’m shouting demanding to know who opened the gates. Fil lies to my face in a childlike wasn’t me and tells me to calm down. In response I have said don’t tell me to calm down my child could have been killed. Hubby stands there and says nothing. I say right we are going and go inside to put baby in car seat. Mil then follows me in and says to me ‘thing is everyone else has been watching your child this afternoon and you haven’t and thats why this has happened’. I wait for hubby to stand up for me or say anything and nothing. I thought maybe he might say that i had been feeding the baby or mention the double standard that his mum had given him now trouble for not watching dd but no. Tell mil she’s being spiteful and we leave.

I am extremely upset about the whole situation. Mil has text me the day after saying she feels bad and they will be more careful with the gate in future. She also says that it’s sil fault that door was open and dd could get out of the house- this is nonsense as the door was being opened and closed to pack things. She says fil had a turn earlier in the day and was being forgetful and didn’t remember at the time if he had opened the gate. I can’t bring myself to respond to mil text she has also tried calling which I have ignored.

AIBU to want to cut contact and make no effort with in laws. I don’t want dd going there until she is old enough to understand road safety more. I suggested to hubby he could meet up with them somewhere else or they come to our house. Im not sure if the relationship is reparable for me since I’m already feeling not my best after C-section recovery and feel like she’s kicked me while I’m down. Hubby says he will still take kids there without me if I’ve got a problem with it. I don’t really know how to move forward.

OP posts:
pictoosh · 09/04/2026 21:08

A lot of people have a scary 'almost' story, me included.
These things happen. To err is to be human. Your fil left the gate open while neither you or your dh were supervising your wee girl. The combination created an event.
You can't hope to control every person's every action any more than you can fix your eyes on your daughter 100% of the time. People forget things, people get distracted.
Everyone spoke defensively and/or harshly in shock at the time.
You are determined to escalate while others wish to make peace. Yabu. Don't weaponise your child to 'win'. It was your fault too.
Like I say, these things happen.
Peace and relief. X

catipuss · 09/04/2026 21:08

Yes you or your DH should be watching your child, even if the gate was shut I doubt it's a high fence. A two year old should never be out of parents hands reach any where near a road. No one's fault but yours if anyone.

I'm also a bit surprised traffic is a 50 limit if houses are straight onto the road, usually that would be a 30 limit.

whynotwhatknot · 09/04/2026 21:09

and what does having a turn mean. he's getting hot dementia in which case noone should be left unsupervised there

numberblocks54321 · 09/04/2026 21:10

A good lesson from aviation is to do what’s called ‘positive transfer of control’ to eliminate any ambiguity

pilot 1: you have control
pilot 2: I have control
pilot 1 repeats: you have control

We have an autistic 4 year old and a 1 year old. DH and I have learned to do the above and we do it constantly. One day I will be able to go to the loo without announcing it but not for a while yet !

bryceQ · 09/04/2026 21:10

It’s your husband who comes off really badly here. It was his responsibility as you had newborn and recovering. And for him to say nothing… what a wet lettuce.

im glad your daughter was okay that must have been such a shock.

SunnyRedSnail · 09/04/2026 21:14

Your MIL was wrong to blame just you. It was both you AND your DHs responsibility to keep your eye on your two year old. It was time to leave so the door/gate would likely be opened and you should have made sure one of you knew where the two year old was and had hold of them.

IrishSelkie · 09/04/2026 21:14

Listlostlast · 09/04/2026 21:02

This. It’s actually one of the worst situations, having loads of adults around but no one actually taking sole responsibility. Ultimately it’s too easy to think someone else is watching the child, which both you and your husband did and must take some responsibility for. I’d argue that MIL wasn’t too far off the mark saying about how everyone else had been watching your daughter all day, and maybe it came out more harsh than intended because everyone was so shocked and stressed.

Obviously the gate being opened should’ve been communicated but it’s easy to miss things in a hubbub and it should’ve been obvious the house wasn’t fully secure given cars were being packed up and would be moving soon. Your husband just wandering off without a worry in that situation was very silly indeed.

Sounds like a horrible fright. It’s very normal I would say to cast about to blame other people for something so scary happening.

Edited
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He didn’t wander off, he was fetching a changing pad for OP.

Reasonstobelieve · 09/04/2026 21:15

redteapot · 09/04/2026 20:59

The danger is that when you are in a house full of family, everyone thinks someone else is watching the kids. When we visit PILs, DH and I quickly learned that one of us always needs to be 'on duty'. We literally discuss this and always know who is 'on'. Now is a good time to start that if / when you visit again.

I had an emergency c/s & a two year old. A few weeks later we had family over to our house. The only 2 people responsible for both the baby & my 2 year old were me & my DH. I'm sorry you had such a terrible fright OP. The simple fact is unless you leave the children with baby sitters the only people responsible for your children in this type of situation is you & your DH. I would apologise to them.

CanterThroughChaos · 09/04/2026 21:16

I literally don’t know what’s wrong with people?!? It’s 100% not unreasonable to expect grandparents to keep their grandchildren safe. They sound like very stupid people, thank goodness SIL was on the ball and intervened. I would meet somewhere neutral in future, you can’t ever take your eyes off your toddler even when recovering from surgery and there are responsible adults who should have a vested interest in her safety. Take the pressure off yourself and meet for lunch somewhere for a couple of hours and then go home. Then no one can say you haven’t done your bit.

Listlostlast · 09/04/2026 21:16

IrishSelkie · 09/04/2026 21:14

He didn’t wander off, he was fetching a changing pad for OP.

Show quote history

Without making sure anyone was watching their very young child knowing full well his wife wasn’t able to and people were busy doing other things and loading up cars and/or were probably unaware the child wasn’t being actively supervised.. I feel like you’re missing the point spectacularly.

Mogbiscuit · 09/04/2026 21:17

RaininSummer · 09/04/2026 20:10

Terrifying incident but I wonder if it was one of those occasions where there were several supposedly competent adults around but nobody had actually been named as the one really watching your daughter.

That's it. One person needs be watching dd all the time unless she's safely contained in the house. No need to go no contact, just make sure in future there's always one person in charge of her.

IrishSelkie · 09/04/2026 21:17

SunnyRedSnail · 09/04/2026 21:14

Your MIL was wrong to blame just you. It was both you AND your DHs responsibility to keep your eye on your two year old. It was time to leave so the door/gate would likely be opened and you should have made sure one of you knew where the two year old was and had hold of them.

To be fair, MIL said it to both of them using ‘you’ , so she could have been addressing the two of them not just the OP, which would explain why her DH accepted the criticism.

StormGazing · 09/04/2026 21:17

If mighty pissed off even before your MIL blamed you for not being all over both kids essentially! You’re recovering from surgery, feeding and caring for a newborn, if the rest of the family can’t bloody step up at this point, when will they!
id be furious and wouldn’t be going there with my kids … I’d also let DH know he’s let you down and not stepped up as a father an husband

IrishSelkie · 09/04/2026 21:18

Listlostlast · 09/04/2026 21:16

Without making sure anyone was watching their very young child knowing full well his wife wasn’t able to and people were busy doing other things and loading up cars and/or were probably unaware the child wasn’t being actively supervised.. I feel like you’re missing the point spectacularly.

Show quote history

Feel away. Then have a read of my other posts.

EwwPeople · 09/04/2026 21:19

CanterThroughChaos · 09/04/2026 21:16

I literally don’t know what’s wrong with people?!? It’s 100% not unreasonable to expect grandparents to keep their grandchildren safe. They sound like very stupid people, thank goodness SIL was on the ball and intervened. I would meet somewhere neutral in future, you can’t ever take your eyes off your toddler even when recovering from surgery and there are responsible adults who should have a vested interest in her safety. Take the pressure off yourself and meet for lunch somewhere for a couple of hours and then go home. Then no one can say you haven’t done your bit.

Please explain how exactly are they stupid?

Forresty · 09/04/2026 21:21

It's your DH who should have been responsible here. Blame him.

Bristolandlazy · 09/04/2026 21:22

She's your daughter, your husband should of been responsible for her. Or explicitly said to someone I'm doing this, can you watch the toddler. Your in-laws are older and not in parental mode, it's not their child.

ThejoyofNC · 09/04/2026 21:22

Forresty · 09/04/2026 21:21

It's your DH who should have been responsible here. Blame him.

She has 2 parents. Neither were watching her.

Isekaied · 09/04/2026 21:23

I think the problem is.

There were too many adults.

In that situation everyone thinks everyone else is watching the baby.

Obviously your kid is yours and your DH responsibility.

I think you're being unreasonable completely cutting them out.

But maybe wait till she's older before you go back.

IrishSelkie · 09/04/2026 21:24

Forresty · 09/04/2026 21:21

It's your DH who should have been responsible here. Blame him.

They (DH and OP) are both responsible as they were both caring for the newborn while neither was supervising the toddler.

AmusedMember · 09/04/2026 21:25

YOUR CHILD. YOUR RESPONSIBILITY.

CanterThroughChaos · 09/04/2026 21:25

EwwPeople · 09/04/2026 21:19

Please explain how exactly are they stupid?

Show quote history

Lied in a childlike way and blamed SIL knowing it wasn’t her fault, oh and left access to a main road open when there was a 2 year old doing an Easter egg hunt in the garden. Very very stupid

Original poster
If123 · 09/04/2026 21:25

EwwPeople · 09/04/2026 21:02

It’s very possible MIL addressed the comment to both of them since they were standing together.

Show quote history

She said my name in the sentence so I knew it was aimed at just me.

OP posts:
cantgardenintherain · 09/04/2026 21:26

The whole family including OP are busy blaming each other, which helps no one.

tnorfotkcab · 09/04/2026 21:27

It seems like everyone was scared, upset and handled it badly at the time. Things were said in the heat of the moment.

Make peace with them, don't let it happen again and all be grateful nothing awful happened.