AIBU to stop taking my children to in-laws after they almost got daughter run over?

[If123]

My in-laws left their gate open and almost got my 2year old run over.
we don’t have a garden so regularly take our dd to my in laws to let her play. Because it was Easter my mil was doing lunch so hubbys gran and bother with his partner are also there. We’ve had a nice day dd has done an Easter egg hunt. It gets to the time to leave and unknown to me fil has opened the gates on to the main A road but hasn’t actually told anyone. Dd is running round with dolly pram in the house and hubby has gone to find changing mat. I am holding our new baby- I’ve had an emergency C-section 6 weeks ago and had a rough recovery so I’m not going anywhere fast.

At this point dd bolts out the door and through gate with dolly pram and into 50mph traffic. Sil runs after to stop the traffic so she doesn’t get hit. By some miracle the cars stop in time and she’s okay thanks to sil. I’m now across the road with sil dd and still holding newborn. In laws do nothing to help- perhaps also in shock. We manage to come back across the road and I’m shouting demanding to know who opened the gates. Fil lies to my face in a childlike wasn’t me and tells me to calm down. In response I have said don’t tell me to calm down my child could have been killed. Hubby stands there and says nothing. I say right we are going and go inside to put baby in car seat. Mil then follows me in and says to me ‘thing is everyone else has been watching your child this afternoon and you haven’t and thats why this has happened’. I wait for hubby to stand up for me or say anything and nothing. I thought maybe he might say that i had been feeding the baby or mention the double standard that his mum had given him now trouble for not watching dd but no. Tell mil she’s being spiteful and we leave.

I am extremely upset about the whole situation. Mil has text me the day after saying she feels bad and they will be more careful with the gate in future. She also says that it’s sil fault that door was open and dd could get out of the house- this is nonsense as the door was being opened and closed to pack things. She says fil had a turn earlier in the day and was being forgetful and didn’t remember at the time if he had opened the gate. I can’t bring myself to respond to mil text she has also tried calling which I have ignored.

AIBU to want to cut contact and make no effort with in laws. I don’t want dd going there until she is old enough to understand road safety more. I suggested to hubby he could meet up with them somewhere else or they come to our house. Im not sure if the relationship is reparable for me since I’m already feeling not my best after C-section recovery and feel like she’s kicked me while I’m down. Hubby says he will still take kids there without me if I’ve got a problem with it. I don’t really know how to move forward.

https://www.gov.uk/transient-ischaemic-attacks-and-driving#:~:text=%E2%80%8B%E2%80%8BYou%20must%20stop,with%20balance%2C%20memory%20or%20understanding

Just leaving that there then. I have epilepsy so it’s a year per seizure but something seemed off when you commented on the driving so I checked.

Anyone saying this is on you and your husband is batshit. I regularly take my child to my mother’s house. It is child proof to an extent, stairgate at the bottom of the stairs, child locks on cupboards with chemicals, etc. If one of these was left open I would be blaming the person who left it open, they know a toddler is in the house, they’re responsible adults, and they understand why the safety precautions are in place.

your mil trying to blame you and your sister in law and no blame on your dh and pil seems seems so misogynistic. You’re recovering from major surgery and holding a baby, and your sil risked her life running into traffic.

I would say you can’t cut them off completely. They are family. You’re understandably upset/furious and hopefully this will fade in time. I think you’re right to refuse to leave your child in their care due to pil’s health. Sounds slightly ridiculous but could you/your partner have your own padlock for visits and only you have the key? You do need something to change to ensure your child is safe in future, you’ve got to adapt to pil’s declining health.

I don’t think it’s fair to say your ILs nearly got them run over (as said in your thread title). Your MIL was busy entertaining everyone else, your FIL opened the gates, possibly due to a TIA (which I’m assuming is outside his control), and possibly because he, like everyone else in the situation, assumed someone else was looking after your daughter. It sounds like you all collectively dropped the ball, and thank God for your amazing sister in law coming to the rescue. I think to move forward, accept you all played a part, your MIL has apologised, and remember none of the incident was intended, just be more careful in future. Going no contact seems highly inappropriate.

You are speaking from hormones it seems just be more careful next time, accidents happen your child is safe just make sure you both know where she is next time.

I agree.

Plus, your MIL has apologised, even though it's no more her fault than anyone elses.
It was one of those unfortunate series of events, that could have ended horribly, but mercifully didn't.

I'm glad your DD (and SIL who ran after her) is unharmed.

That must have been an awful shock for everyone.

Gently, I do think YABU to refuse to visit/allow your DD to visit again. Clearly you will have to take steps to ensure DD (and when mobile the baby's) safety for future visits. This should be as simple as being inside (doors secure) or outside (gate secure) and designated responsible adult with eyes on/within grabbing distance for DC at all times.

Given the location on an A road, then free-flow inside/outside play is not safe or appropriate and neither is having the door opened/closed constantly while packing up - when it's time to load or unload cars it's "OK we're packing the car now so DD it's time to sit on the sofa and read with granny or do a jigsaw in the kitchen with Mum" with door to that room closed.

I agree with you that they cannot safely provide childcare with FIL's episodes and MIL's focus on caring for him.

Your children are your children - your responsibility.

You let your TWO year old run in and out of the house, whenever she likes. Your PIL still have stuff to do at their own house, they can't stop operations just because the parents of a two year old take her round and let her do her own thing and neither of them watch their own child.

Get your own changing bag if your dh is watching the toddler. Yes, you can still do things for yourself with a newborn.

Stop relying on everyone else and blaming people for responsibility that you and your dh should have taken.

This.

You and your DH were responsible for looking after your DD. You and your DH nearly got your DD run over, because you weren't properly supervising. Stop trying to blame others.

Of course you're shocked and upset. You nearly killed your child by your negligence. Learn from it and supervise her better in future.

You were all responsible but your husband sounds like a real.pillock.

I wouldn't take my children to their house again. It is too near to a dangerous road.

2 year olds need to be supervised all the time. You should have made sure you child was being watched and your inlaws shouldn't have left the gate open. Two failures. But these things happen. You can't take your eyes of them for a minute.

Ok, you had a nasty shock, but the way you spoke to your inlaws, passing the blame for you and your dh not supervising your own kid, was bang out of order.
You need to apologise!

No! You do not leave a gate open with a two year old in the house. That's basic - my children were super speedy at that age.

OP - we had to stop leaving our children with my MIL unsupervised as she kept doing stupid things like that. However, it's only been once and hopefully they've learnt their lesson.

But she wasn’t unsupervised - her parents were there. Let’s not deflect from this point.

Yes but as one of them was caring for a newborn, surely the fault lies with the father. So why was the OP getting the shit off MIL?

ETA that it sounds like a perfect storm though. Someone left the gate open, it happens, everyone thought someone else was supervising the kids and the kid fancied checking out the neighbourhood. Take any one out of that scenario and it would have been ok.

A lesson in communication learned I hope, move on.

Yes but as one of them was caring for a newborn, surely the fault lies with the father. So why was the OP getting the shit off MIL?

Because she was the one shouting at them.

Agree with this. Doesn’t sound like double standards, sounds like retaliation at the person shouting blame and accusations.

You also lost me at blaming the person who had suffered a mini stroke that morning.

I wouldn’t be letting them babysit alone and wouldn’t trust DH with them there alone as he clearly doesn’t keep an eye on them. I have the same issue at my in-laws so I always have to go and keep an eye on both my kids. Less of an issue now they are getting older and I refuse to visit to regularly as it’s a long journey and boring at their house. Much easier at my child proofed and friendly house as I can then let the girls play without constant supervision. I wouldn’t go no contact but I would explain you can’t allow them to babysit as they aren’t keeping up with a 2yr old

No, you dont expect other people to childproof their homes to obviate the need for you to supervise your own toddler

Maybe he didn't realise their car was able to materialise through/fly over the closed gate?

What. Who's car flew over a garden gate ?

It was an accident and I understand you being upset and having a horrible shock but we all make mistakes and ultimately it is the parents responsibility to supervise their child closely. Your MIL apologised and tried to ring you so she understands her mistake and is trying to make amends. I would definitely supervise alot closer in future but I think it's unfair to not bring your children round to their Grandparents anymore.

Your child so your responsibility. I feel your projecting your guilt on to others because you've had a horrible scare & don't want to admit it's yours & DH fault. You dropped the ball by not being aware of the gate being open. If your DD is playing in the garden that's metres away from a busy road it's on you to risk assess before she goes out, checking things like gates etc. When you're a it calmer ring & speak with MIL & say in future when you're over their house can you be the one to keep a hold of the gate key while you're there so it's on you to keep your DD safe. Don't fall out with MIL or FIL over an incident that really wasn't their fault.

What mistake did the mil make?

Exactly. The opnand family were getting ready to leave. That is why he needed to open the gate presumably?