AIBU to stop taking my children to in-laws after they almost got daughter run over?

[If123]

My in-laws left their gate open and almost got my 2year old run over.
we don’t have a garden so regularly take our dd to my in laws to let her play. Because it was Easter my mil was doing lunch so hubbys gran and bother with his partner are also there. We’ve had a nice day dd has done an Easter egg hunt. It gets to the time to leave and unknown to me fil has opened the gates on to the main A road but hasn’t actually told anyone. Dd is running round with dolly pram in the house and hubby has gone to find changing mat. I am holding our new baby- I’ve had an emergency C-section 6 weeks ago and had a rough recovery so I’m not going anywhere fast.

At this point dd bolts out the door and through gate with dolly pram and into 50mph traffic. Sil runs after to stop the traffic so she doesn’t get hit. By some miracle the cars stop in time and she’s okay thanks to sil. I’m now across the road with sil dd and still holding newborn. In laws do nothing to help- perhaps also in shock. We manage to come back across the road and I’m shouting demanding to know who opened the gates. Fil lies to my face in a childlike wasn’t me and tells me to calm down. In response I have said don’t tell me to calm down my child could have been killed. Hubby stands there and says nothing. I say right we are going and go inside to put baby in car seat. Mil then follows me in and says to me ‘thing is everyone else has been watching your child this afternoon and you haven’t and thats why this has happened’. I wait for hubby to stand up for me or say anything and nothing. I thought maybe he might say that i had been feeding the baby or mention the double standard that his mum had given him now trouble for not watching dd but no. Tell mil she’s being spiteful and we leave.

I am extremely upset about the whole situation. Mil has text me the day after saying she feels bad and they will be more careful with the gate in future. She also says that it’s sil fault that door was open and dd could get out of the house- this is nonsense as the door was being opened and closed to pack things. She says fil had a turn earlier in the day and was being forgetful and didn’t remember at the time if he had opened the gate. I can’t bring myself to respond to mil text she has also tried calling which I have ignored.

AIBU to want to cut contact and make no effort with in laws. I don’t want dd going there until she is old enough to understand road safety more. I suggested to hubby he could meet up with them somewhere else or they come to our house. Im not sure if the relationship is reparable for me since I’m already feeling not my best after C-section recovery and feel like she’s kicked me while I’m down. Hubby says he will still take kids there without me if I’ve got a problem with it. I don’t really know how to move forward.

I would have reacted the same as you - you cannot help it, it's human nature for you as a mother to react like that during such a situation.

However, once you are no longer in shock, I am hoping you will feel relieved and grateful that your daughter is fine and less anger. Focus on preventing anything like that from ever happening again.

I am sure everyone is in shock and also confused, give it time, once you feel comfortable discuss it with family and you might feel differently about the in - laws.

Of course if you still are not comfortable leaving your daughter with them, I always say better safe than sorry x

Why is your MIL responsible for this and not your or your DH?

Just because you’re at someone else’s house, it doesn’t absolve you from doing any parenting. Did you think your dd was your in-laws responsibility because you’re in their home?

@If123 presumably the gate needed to be opened in order for you to leave and as you were gathering up and preparing to leave, him opening the gate wasn't that shocking??

Most of us are postpartum mums and speaking home truths about only you and your husband are the ones 100% responsible for your child’s safety whenever you are present at a family event is not in the least vilifying.

It was an accident but it could have had horrific consequences. Yes your fil was thoughtless to leave the gate open but when you don’t have young kids you don’t always think that way. The problem when there’s a group is it looks like there’s loads of eyes on your child but actually there’s often none because everyone thinks there’s someone else to watch her. You and your dh need to make sure you have eyes on her in those situations.
I could get past the accident if everyone was equally horrified, aware and apologetic. What would do it for me was the way your mil blamed you and was nasty and the fact your dh didn’t defend or support you. I’d find both of those hard to forgive.
And yes I would be unnerved about them being responsible for her going forward.

YABU. Everyone is blaming someone else here. The fact is was no-one was watching your DD when they should have been . It’s not really the fault of the person leaning the gate open - it’s the fault of the person who was supposed to be watching your DD - was that DH or someone else ? It’s pretty bad that no one made sure your DD was safe before opening the door bearing in mind you all knew the garden fronted onto an A road
MIL has apologised even though she was inside doing lunch so it wasn’t her fault . It must have been very frightening but I think you’re blaming the wrong people

It was an accident, there's really no need to blame people. I bet everyone feels bad about the situation. There was thankfully no harm done in the end. You won't be a perfect parent, there will be something that happens by accident when you have them in your care at some point that you wouldn't want someone to make you feel shit about.

I actually think this is on your dh. You had the baby, he was responsible for the toddler. If he was leaving the room, he should have passed that responsibility onto someone else. I think it’s easy to portion the blame on Fil, because it easier than saying dh messed up.

However, accidents happen, they are awful, and we learn them. Would you feel the same if it was you dad as not go round there again?

Ok I think you are far more invested than I am. But my opinion hasn’t changed, I still think it’s stupid. If you have to micromanage everything and everyone in the environment to keep your child safe it’s not worth going. I wouldn’t trust the husband to take the children on his own either. Much safer for op to meet in-laws somewhere neutral for a couple hours.

If you have to micromanage everything and everyone in the environment to keep your child safe it’s not worth going.

That isn’t the goal. You have to supervise the child because you will never completely be able to child proof anywhere outside your own home to the point you can relax and let them run amok.

Two year olds aren’t super fast?!! Yes they are which is why you need eyes in the back of your head with them!

But surely it's up to the parents to take responsibility for their child

If your FIL is having suspected TIAs and not seeking appropriate medical attention I would have thought that's another major red flag that he's not thinking of other's wellbeing - hope they are aware that their car insurance will be invalidated and they may be prosecuted if he has an accident! I certainly wouldn't let any family members I care about in the car with him in case the next episode is a full-blown stroke behind the wheel. (source: https://www.gov.uk/transient-ischaemic-attacks-and-driving)

Completely agree. The two people ultimately responsible were OP and her DH. Why on earth would MIL, FIL, SIL and so on be responsible?
SIL saved the DD’s life! How is that not taking on responsibility? How is that not being vigilant?

Your title is misleading

I thought the child was playing with a dolly in a pram at their grandparents home

Yes. But despite her mum and dad both being there with her, she still managed to bolt out the front door, across the garden, out the gate (which was recently opened because people were starting to leave) and into the road. SIL dashed after her and rescued her but mum (the OP) thinks all her in laws are to blame and are responsible. Most posters think a child’s parents are responsible for supervising them when they’re all together at a family get together.

OP first of all your dd was there with you and your dh so the responsibility to care for her is on both of you not your in laws. Effectively you and your dh didnt watch her properly and she nearly go knocked down because of it. Next time be more aware. You can't let your guard down anywhere with toddlers. They are to curious and to fast.

Secondly you know your FIL likely has dementia so he will do things like unlock gates so again vigilance is key from both you and your dh.

Finally if your not comfortable leaving her there without one of you that's fine.

I think the actual incident happened because there were so many adults around. No one person was responsible for your DD and everyone thought someone else was looking after her. In the upset nobody behaved well.

So glad your daughter is fine. This must have been awful for you all. Your SIL is a hero I hope you’ve sent her some flowers or a suitable thank you. Hug your daughter a little tighter tonight and give some grace to your in laws who probably feel awful too.

Yeah I have but they aren’t faster than an adult 😂

That sounds awful, I’m so glad everyone was okay - including the hero of the hour, your amazing and quick thinking sister in law who threw herself into danger. What an amazing woman.

Honestly though it sounds like multiple failures all around and plenty of lessons for everyone. Inherently, you have a husband problem. He was in charge, he treated you terribly, and it’s his parents. These sorts of situations are so dangerous as when there are too many adults around, no one knows who is actually looking after the wee ones.

I think you’ve already come to the conclusion everyone else would - your in-laws cannot be left in charge. That doesn’t mean you can’t go there or they can’t be part of your lives, but they aren’t able to look after quick legged little ones in this situation anymore so another adult needs to be in charge. And you need to start talking to your children about road safety often. And get a better solution for the gate as that sounds terrible. And yell at your husband (does he often act like this or was he in shock?)

They aren’t faster than adults.

This!