AIBU to Be Angry With Co-Parent’s Partner?

[SnowyPolarBear9]

For context; same sex parents to one child. Co-parent is now with someone else (also same sex) and they’ve been together for approx 4 1/2 years.

My 9yo son recently told some fibs about co-parent’s partner suggesting/recommending films and series to him that were age rated 12 and 15. The rule is with me that if something has an age rating, he’s not allowed to watch it until he is 1 year younger (e.g age rating 12 he can’t watch until he’s 11).

Our son was spoken to by both of us (parents) about the situation and the seriousness of telling fibs etc. However my son has later told me that co-parent’s partner spoke to him on the phone about it, and said she wouldn’t be seeing him for a number of weeks because of the fibs he had told and that he had to stop them for her to see him again.

AIBU to be fuming with this? 😡

Firstly, for anyone to impose this type of punishment where they refuse to see the child I find absolutely disgusting. But she’s also not a big part of his life, co-parent and her partner don’t live together and the time co-parent’s partner spends with/sees my son is minimal. In the 4 and 1/2 years she’s been around, I think he’s spent overnight with her once.

I’m so upset by this as based on their dynamic and admittedly low-involvement relationship, I just don’t appreciate her “punishing” him. Plus, even if it was someone extremely close to him, I’d be appalled at such a cruel approach!

I’m trying to draft a message to the co-parent about it but I just can’t get my thoughts out properly in writing and I also want to know if I’m being unreasonable!

Thanks in advance 🙌🏻

So, that's the answer then, call him up and tell him you will not be speaking to him for a few weeks.

Assuming she did actually do that. And if she did then perhaps he will learn that nobody wants to spend time with a nasty liar.

You are getting so angry with everyone - would you hang round if you weren’t related to him? And how would you feel if you lost your job because of some malicious child?

Come on let’s hear your perfect solution?

Have you asked your co-parent whether she a) knew about the phone call and b) had agreed with her partner that it was a suitable way to address it? Surely, given the situation, checking the facts would be the best way forward?

@Weeelokthen you are having very highly emotionally charged responses to a pretty normal response to nasty lies being spread.
Frankly I’m not sure whether to think you are lucky to have had such a sheltered life that think this is abuse from the coparents partner, or you’re involved,

Or… that it actually happened!

How do you know that anything that could be interpreted as emotionally abusing a child is true? He's already lied about her once, what's to say he isn't lying about her again?

And she is sensible not to want to engage with a child who is so spiteful

You need to read the OP again as you have totally misunderstood it.

Ever again? I’m glad I’m not your step child.

What ever happened to forgiveness?

Or to teaching and guiding a child to be a good/better person, often through their mistakes.

Or to sticking by someone despite their flaws because you care for them? Particularly as it’s a child!

Very cut throat even if it was towards an adult, let alone a child who is growing up and navigating the world particularly a world with separated parents and new partners becoming involved which adds a whole new dynamic to navigate…

Lying isn’t unusual but lying about an adult is serious and its dangerous. Do you understand how dangerous that is?

You are clearly going to excuse his behaviour and that is even more reason for her to avoid him. That’s assuming the conversation took place.

Does he know how serious this is? And also that if he has an issue in the future, people aren’t going to believe him.

But calling it a punishment is ludicrous - a natural consequence of something like that is that people don’t want to spend time with you and don’t believe anything you say.

But you carry on making me excuses and just hope he doesnt decide to do the same about you one day

There’s been a few comments about this. Suggesting I think it’s okay to tell my co-parent’s partner who she should or shouldn’t see.

For the avoidance of doubt; I have not, and, will not, ever tell her who she can, can’t, should or shouldn’t see.

You are a big part of the problem.

Instead of taking all the comments on this thread on board and saying "Hey actually I didn't really think about how the partner would have felt and the repercussions she could face if the lie were different or bigger etc. I'll talk with my co-parent so that we ensure our son understands why thus behaviour won't be tolerated and we should take a united front"..... you are instead going hell for leather making excuses.

Step ir blended families are actually a very normal thing nowadays... of course it makes his life a bit harder. The partner isn't new... he knows her literally half his life! The fact his parents are separated has no bearing on whether he should be allowed lie and a 3rd party made to feel so worried and uncomfortable that she feels the need to distance herself from a child.

And all the comments suggesting that the partner is right to do this (assuming it happened)?

Actually the best thing the partner can do is run for the hills.

You see natural consequences as punishment and are making excuses for your child. I hope he doesn’t make up lies about you - but that might be next.

To ask the obvious - Are you sure your child isn’t lying again? There’s obviously an issue here and she’s very right to step way, way back from this. Getting accused of something by your partner’s child is, at best, a bad sign for your relationship and at worst could have terrible repercussions. She could be in serious trouble if your child carries on lying about her. She’s very right and possibly said something much less harsh like ‘we think it’s best to let you spend time with your parent while we see how to support you and maybe I’ll see you again in the future if we are able to build a better relationship’ which is really the best possible solution.

After 4.5 years, I think it’s ok for the woman to explain to the child directly why she can’t see him anymore. She isn’t safe around him. She needs to recuse herself from the situation. Just disappearing is what would be cruel, even if they aren’t in a parent-child relationship.

using an arbitrary cut off is stupid. You should use the guides as a piece of evidence and evaluate on a case by case basis. You would arrive at the same conclusions most of the time, but sometimes something needs an exception.

Arbitrary rules in parenting often result in situations like this. Children see the lack of logic so look for ways around. That doesn’t condone the lie, but there should be some avenue for discussion.

I think you should draft a message to her @SnowyPolarBear9 and one that pulls no punches.

Begin by apologising for the fact that your child is a liar and could have caused problems for her. Tell her that you have imposed a punishment that will make them think twice before telling lies again. Follow it up by reassuring her that you totally understand her position and end by apologising again.

Then, include a letter from the liar apologising to her and telling her that her consequence is understandable but they are very sorry and hope that one day they can trust them again.

That should help to ameliorate the situation.

Sadly I think the OP is going to continue to blame the partner and excuse the child for his malicious behaviour. At 9 he should know better and understand that there are consequences for his actions. You condoning it and blaming the partner goes a long way to explaining why he did it

Wow! Please don’t ever assume what our situation is. Or anyone’s for that matter. You really shouldn’t be commenting on anything other than the facts I’ve given in the original post and any subsequent comments.

And what exactly do you mean by “and now another woman in the mix…..” ?! Really subtle use of quotations on the parents too.

Don’t like this comment one bit to be honest.

Okay but you aren’t going to like the whole thread are you because people are calling you out on your attitude to the situation

At the end of the day OP, it does sound like you are blaming the partner so you can expect to have further problems with lying for years to come.

I’m sorry but what gives you the right to comment on my parenting that I didn’t even ask for advice on as being “quite strange”.

You might want to assess each film/game etc on its own merits as to when it’s appropriate to watch and at what age; that’s fine — you do you. But I prefer a blanket approach because my child needs black and white boundaries. He really struggles with grey areas and if I tried to judge each film individually, he would find excuses/reasons/one thousand explanations as to why I should let him watch something. The headache it would cause just isn’t worth it for me as a parent, and so a blanket approach is what I not you have decided.

I’m still a bit blown away by this thread calling a 9 year old a nasty little shit stirrer, accusing him of ‘dangerous, potentially career ending’ lies.

He said his mum’s girlfriend said he might like Stranger Things! What the fuck is wrong with people’s sense of perspective?

@SnowyPolarBear9 - can you confirm if he spread these dangerous falsehoods because he was trying to get the new partner ‘in trouble’ or was it more a case of wanting to watch something and trying to sound a bit more grown up and cool than he is?

Because if it’s the latter, I can absolutely guarantee everyone frothing on this thread at the thought of him being punished have either told an equivalent lie at some point in their life, or their children have. ‘But my mum/ dad/ uncle/ best friends mum lets me’ is really not the crime of the century.