AIBU to Be Angry With Co-Parent’s Partner?

[SnowyPolarBear9]

For context; same sex parents to one child. Co-parent is now with someone else (also same sex) and they’ve been together for approx 4 1/2 years.

My 9yo son recently told some fibs about co-parent’s partner suggesting/recommending films and series to him that were age rated 12 and 15. The rule is with me that if something has an age rating, he’s not allowed to watch it until he is 1 year younger (e.g age rating 12 he can’t watch until he’s 11).

Our son was spoken to by both of us (parents) about the situation and the seriousness of telling fibs etc. However my son has later told me that co-parent’s partner spoke to him on the phone about it, and said she wouldn’t be seeing him for a number of weeks because of the fibs he had told and that he had to stop them for her to see him again.

AIBU to be fuming with this? 😡

Firstly, for anyone to impose this type of punishment where they refuse to see the child I find absolutely disgusting. But she’s also not a big part of his life, co-parent and her partner don’t live together and the time co-parent’s partner spends with/sees my son is minimal. In the 4 and 1/2 years she’s been around, I think he’s spent overnight with her once.

I’m so upset by this as based on their dynamic and admittedly low-involvement relationship, I just don’t appreciate her “punishing” him. Plus, even if it was someone extremely close to him, I’d be appalled at such a cruel approach!

I’m trying to draft a message to the co-parent about it but I just can’t get my thoughts out properly in writing and I also want to know if I’m being unreasonable!

Thanks in advance 🙌🏻

It's because the step-parent is a woman (innocent) and your son is a boy (guilty). If your child was a girl, and the step parent was male, they'd say she is trying to get away from him as he is abusive or she doesnt want men around her safe place generally. If she was a girl but her SP was still female, they'd say it was all too soon for her and she's rightfully trying to create the distance she needs.

It can only be a "punishment" if it’s something your DC would find unpleasant. Are you saying he’s so fond of your ex's partner that he will find it unpleasant not to see her for a while? I'm surprised that’s something you would think.

In your original post you said "I want to know if I’m being unreasonable". 79% of responders are telling you "yes, you are" but that’s not what you wanted to hear so you’re still arguing.

This thread is making you feel worse OP. The mud slinging and people judging your parenting is making you more angry than you need to be.

Rather than seeing it as punishment or the partner protecting herself, perhaps the partner is just (understandably) upset that your son lied about her and wants space. That’s not unreasonable.

Lying about something like an extra egg or an extra hour at bedtime isn’t the same as telling lies about an adult allowing you to watch emotionally inappropriate and possibly distressing films/TV. It’s implies she is an untrustworthy, poor carer giver to leave your son with and has created conflict and friction between co-parents.

How upset is your DS over this phone call? Did she actually raise her voice, give him a roasting or was it more of a gentle, I’m really saddened that you lied and I’m going to give us space to have a think about it? Are you more upset than he is?

And if parental alienation is considered emotional abuse then I’m pretty sure this would be too imo!

@SnowyPolarBear9 you said in your original post that our co-parent's partner doesn't live with her and has minimal interaction with your son. If she lived there and was a de facto step parent, then I would agree with you that there are better ways to deal with the situation. But that isn't the position, is it?

And in any case, it still wouldn't be your place to "police" it. Your appropriate response would be to discuss it with your co-parent and let her deal with it. Which also applies here. What is your co-parent's take on this - does she also think you are over-reacting?

You're clearly in "fierce mother bear" mode right now. But you know, you can't protect your child from every knock that life throws at them (much as we wish we could). Learning to roll with the punches is another life skill that we all have to help our children with. Are you going to be back here in a couple of years when he is at secondary school, complaining that his teacher doesn't understand him and that the punishment given was totally inappropriate to what "really" happened?

Given the minimal amount of time your son spends with your ex's new partner (according to you), then surely the fibs he's telling, makes it even worse?! This is a person who he supposedly doesn't see much of, yet your son decided to make up lies against this person. Have you and your ex, not addressed why your son told the lies, in the first place?! It's all very well, telling him that it's wrong but you need to get to the root of why he lied.

If your ex and the new partner have been together 4.5 years, then that's quite some time. How long after you separated, did your ex start dating their new partner? How long did your ex wait before introducing your son to the new partner? Do you have a new partner?

Your son may not necessarily dislike his other parents partner. By telling lies he's creating drama and he's at the centre. He has both parents and the partner all up in arms. His behaviour sounds attention seeking to me. Why? I don't know, this is what you and his other parent need to find out.

The partner, in my opinion, is doing the right thing by stepping back. Your son does need to see the consequences of his actions. This time it was over movies, but what if next time it was more serious? Or if he decided to make up an allegation against a teacher, for attention? Lies can destroy someone's reputation, as well as the potential for losing their job or even a police investigation.

Instead of focusing on the partner, you and your ex need to concentrate on helping your son.