AIBU to Be Angry With Co-Parent’s Partner?

[SnowyPolarBear9]

For context; same sex parents to one child. Co-parent is now with someone else (also same sex) and they’ve been together for approx 4 1/2 years.

My 9yo son recently told some fibs about co-parent’s partner suggesting/recommending films and series to him that were age rated 12 and 15. The rule is with me that if something has an age rating, he’s not allowed to watch it until he is 1 year younger (e.g age rating 12 he can’t watch until he’s 11).

Our son was spoken to by both of us (parents) about the situation and the seriousness of telling fibs etc. However my son has later told me that co-parent’s partner spoke to him on the phone about it, and said she wouldn’t be seeing him for a number of weeks because of the fibs he had told and that he had to stop them for her to see him again.

AIBU to be fuming with this? 😡

Firstly, for anyone to impose this type of punishment where they refuse to see the child I find absolutely disgusting. But she’s also not a big part of his life, co-parent and her partner don’t live together and the time co-parent’s partner spends with/sees my son is minimal. In the 4 and 1/2 years she’s been around, I think he’s spent overnight with her once.

I’m so upset by this as based on their dynamic and admittedly low-involvement relationship, I just don’t appreciate her “punishing” him. Plus, even if it was someone extremely close to him, I’d be appalled at such a cruel approach!

I’m trying to draft a message to the co-parent about it but I just can’t get my thoughts out properly in writing and I also want to know if I’m being unreasonable!

Thanks in advance 🙌🏻

@EverythingGolden whats not sensible here? Do you think the partner shouldn’t be allowed to decide who she sees?

The OP has had plenty of measured advice.

Bit rude

The problem is that there isn't any way to ensure it didn't happen again.

The only thing you could ensure would be that you could prove you hadn't had any contact, either directly or indirectly, with the child.

I don’t think she’s wrong to take a step back and not see him for a bit but I think he should have heard it from his other parents alongside an explanation of why the partner can’t see him for a bit and they probably should have told you too rather than letting you hear through your ds

Agree with this. He lied, people don’t like being lied about, he needs to realise this and not do it again. Actions have consequences, at 9 he is too old for sneaky lies. I’m baffled as to why you think your ex’s girlfriend is at fault here.
Re the films, my dc are young adults now, but I took all age ratings with a pinch of salt, having seen several traumatic 12s that really should have had an older rating. A year before seems quite strange. Either use the rating, or your judgement, surely ? Common sense media is good for realistic and clear ratings.

This isn’t punishment, it’s sensible and natural consequences. I would absolutely refuse to be around a child who tells lies about me. Lies from a child can ruin someone’s life and career if they’re serious enough and told to certain people. It was something small this time, but what if next time it’s telling a teacher that the partner has been hitting him?

It’s not the partner’s child. And to call it ‘horribly abusive’ is a ridiculous exaggeration. The person he lied about is not the parent so why should they put up with a child who lies about them?

Yes you’re right, I skim read and then when I read back it was too late to change. Same advice stands, but both mothers need to discuss. I’d guess the child is trying to get mum’s partner in trouble, or just attention seeking.

Don't care what you all say but I think that ignoring a child is pretty fucking disgusting actually!!! What is he learning? What has to be gained?
So damaging
I'm genuinely appalled at the responses to this thread

Ah ya... it'd be much better for him to make you bigger lies and have the parents partner get in trouble 🙄

He’s learning that lying about adults is a shitty thing to do and can cost people their jobs and he won’t be believed if he had a genuine issue.

Do you not understand how serious this could have been?

I suppose you would just tell him gently that he shouldn’t really do it

Assuming she did say it (he isn’t exactly reliable) then she has every right to as it’s her that he lied about.

Quite!

What would be measured? The partner apologising to the ds because she wasn’t happy he lied about her?

1. Kid tells lies about Adult 3 to parents to get his own way
2. Kid is believed by Parent 1, probably very cross about Adult 3, contacts them and/or Parent 2 to express anger
3. Kid turns out to be lying about Adult 3, told off by both parents
4. Kid then comes up with dramatic, upsetting, unevidenced telephone call made by Adult 3 after he has already told lies about Adult 3 to get his own way and got into trouble for it
5. Parent 1 automatically believes him and is raging about Adult 3, wanting to get in touch with Adult 3 and give a bollocking
6. Mumsnetters automatically believe that kid is telling the truth, even though he's been caught lying about Adult 3 recently and got into trouble for it. Encourage Parent 1 to get in touch and go ballistic, accuse Adult 3 of being abusive, etc, etc.

Yeah, there's no way this kid is spinning more yarns to get Parent 1 to have a go at Adult 3 and deflect away from recent behaviour/get attention/etc.

That is the whole point of this thread. The partner of the parent- the victim of unwarranted allegations- has spoken out about the effect of the child’s actions not ignored them.

They have said to the child that they need distance due to their behaviour and redirected the child back to the parent.

They have not demanded punishments or apologies, just distance. Absolutely not unreasonable .

The problem for some of us is that a slightly more serious lie could be career ending. It would be for me.

I wouldn't have any choice but to distance myself from a child who lied about me in this way because I couldn't be certain it wouldn't happen again.

Your career might not be affected and so you might feel free to make a different choice should it happen to you.

Emotional abuse of a child is abhorrent. There are other ways

So emotional abuse of a 9yr old is proportionate punishmrmt?

I still disagree with emotionally abusing a child, there are other ways

You can’t call it emotional abuse - don’t be ridiculous. What would you do if your child was telling lies to get adults in trouble?

Do you not understand why it’s a serious issue? He risks not being believed in future or risks getting someone into trouble.

His behaviour is unusual and a bit worrying. Getting angry with posters is making you look like you condone this.

again the parents aren’t the ones disengaging with the child. The partner is within her rights to do so although given the child isn’t reliant, who knows that happened?

What he did was WRONG, that is NOT what i am disputing. Emotional abuse of a child is very damaging but i'm sure that'll teach him, eh

Like what? What is the subject of his lies supposed to do? Stick around so he can tell even more? Fuck that!

You keep replying to every comment and you are very angry.

Would you want to be around your stepson who is a lying little stirrer? You don’t seem to have an alternative way for the partner to protect herself