AIBU to Be Angry With Co-Parent’s Partner?

[SnowyPolarBear9]

For context; same sex parents to one child. Co-parent is now with someone else (also same sex) and they’ve been together for approx 4 1/2 years.

My 9yo son recently told some fibs about co-parent’s partner suggesting/recommending films and series to him that were age rated 12 and 15. The rule is with me that if something has an age rating, he’s not allowed to watch it until he is 1 year younger (e.g age rating 12 he can’t watch until he’s 11).

Our son was spoken to by both of us (parents) about the situation and the seriousness of telling fibs etc. However my son has later told me that co-parent’s partner spoke to him on the phone about it, and said she wouldn’t be seeing him for a number of weeks because of the fibs he had told and that he had to stop them for her to see him again.

AIBU to be fuming with this? 😡

Firstly, for anyone to impose this type of punishment where they refuse to see the child I find absolutely disgusting. But she’s also not a big part of his life, co-parent and her partner don’t live together and the time co-parent’s partner spends with/sees my son is minimal. In the 4 and 1/2 years she’s been around, I think he’s spent overnight with her once.

I’m so upset by this as based on their dynamic and admittedly low-involvement relationship, I just don’t appreciate her “punishing” him. Plus, even if it was someone extremely close to him, I’d be appalled at such a cruel approach!

I’m trying to draft a message to the co-parent about it but I just can’t get my thoughts out properly in writing and I also want to know if I’m being unreasonable!

Thanks in advance 🙌🏻

You do realise YOU are the one who blew this out of proportion?

Why state same sex etc? Don't see why it is relevant.

@SnowyPolarBear9 don’t have issue with them not seeing him but I think in this kind of situation both parents need to communicate so they can show a united front to the child. Child is currently doing ‘divide and rule’ and it’s working a treat - especially if you stir things with the new partner.

The reactions here are insane - an 9 year old telling a pretty minor lie is absolutely nothing. You've already "punished" your child more than enough given there is no mention of there being a pattern of this sort of thing. It is completely inappropriate for your ex's partner who has a pretty superficial relationship with your child - to then add an additional punishment. It's also a terrible approach to try and use a form of rejection to punish a child.

The partner isn't 'punishing' the child... they are protecting themselves and not allowing the situation to get worse.

Well then, take heart in the fact his career of evil isn’t quite so decided as lots on this thread would have you believe!

It really is wild how many names he got called and how potentially terrifying he’s been made out to be off the back of it.

So how did it come about that you spoke to him about the lie? Did you confront your co-parent/ their partner about these recommendations, or did it just come up in conversation?

And did she phone him specifically to tell him she wouldn’t be seeing him for a while? Is it normal that they’d speak on the phone? I’m still on your side that if so it was weird and overstepping - and also just really odd of her because it would go something like this if I were here -
’Oi Alias, Nigel says you’ve recommended he watch Stranger Things but we don’t let him watch anything rated 12 or over’

‘No I didn’t actually, I was too scared to finish season one so definitely didn’t say anything of the sort. Cheeky git, tell him nice try but he’s got caught out there’ (said with a laugh, but also expecting you to tell him that the lying wasn’t on).

The only ‘consequence’ I would expect in this situation is that he still doesn’t get to watch the thing, gets a telling off for lying and is expected to apologise.

I certainly wouldn’t be scared or feel the need to distance myself lest he ruin my career and good name - not based on this incident alone. But if the partner wants to back off a bit of course that’s up to her - the phone call was weird though!

Have you been able to establish any better what actually happened/ was said and what the thinking was behind it? Or are you more inclined to let it drop now you’ve had some time?

You’re really worked up about this post aren’t you? As well as coming to some bizarre conclusions and bullying a 9 year old child, like I’ve highlighted in a recent comment.

I’m going to make this really clear. I asked for advice about my ex’s partner’s decision to remove herself from my son’s life temporarily.

I did not ask for advice on my parenting surrounding the situation. Therefore giving you zero guidance to make accusations that I care more about the adults reaction than what my child has done.

And whilst we’re on that point; are you telling me that 99% of children haven’t said to parent 1 that parent 2 said they could have an extra chocolate bar tonight? Or that they haven’t had a sleepover at their Grandparent’s and told Grandma that they “are definitely allowed to stay up until 9pm — Mummy lets me!”. If you say most children haven’t then you’re either lying or oblivious. I’m sure you’ve done the same; I certainly did when I was little! And that’s all my son has done. He’s been dishonest that she’s recommended films/series to him that are above his age limit because he really wants to watch Stranger Things and Death Of A Unicorn. It’s hardly criminal or indicative of a child that’s got serious psychological concerns emerging is it!!

But before I get jumped on for playing it down (again). I do not condone lying and as a parent I have done what I feel is reasonable to prevent it from happening in the future.

"Not her place???"

She has every right to call him out and explain that she'll be avoiding him for awhile. That's not parenting, that's her letting him know what the consequences are for lying about her.

You should be glad she handled things in a calm, assertive way. Maybe you could do the same; support her efforts and stop playing the "I'm the real parent card."

I still don't understand how it all became such a thing.

Son says "Maureen has recommended Stranger Things and Death of a Unicorn to me - she says they are great "

You say "OK son, I will just check the age rating.... Turns out they are a bit old for you yet, this one is a 12 and this one is a 15".

End of story, surely. I don't understand how it even came out that he lied.

I presume you didn't phone your ex and say "Please don't allow Maureen to ever again mention films and programmes to our son which aren't within the approved age range - I do not want his tender ears sullied with the mention of them...."

Because it's just not a big deal, is it? Even if she mentioned them, who gives a fuck?

I also don't understand how son saying Maureen recommended them was, in his imagination, going to make you more likely to let him watch them?

The whole thing just sounds really really weird. A huge fuss about nothing, really.

You can't make another adult spend time with your child.

If your child is telling lies, you need to address it rather than minimising it as 'fibs'.

No, stop always looking to blame others, your child lied. I also wouldn’t want to be around step children or any children for that matter if they go home lying to their parent about what I say or do as it can be so dangerous.

Teach your child to stop lying and that there’s consequences when you do.

This. Honestly, how ridiculous!

I removed this thread from my watch list but seeing as you keep coming back at me rather than all those who have said similar…

You realise people are only coming to the conclusions about the potential severity of the lie from the wording of your OP? And overwhelmingly think the partner is reasonable from that OP and that it isn’t a “punishment”?

Nine is old enough to know you don’t lie about other people. FWIW, I also think your rule about films is dumb. A 12 is a 12 for a reason, why allow them to watch it at 11?

If she didn't recommend 2 films, what was the point of mentioning the films, that she didn't recommend?

The fact the child made up a pretty innocent lie in.tgis instance to try to sway you te let him watch something isn't particularly the issue. The issue as I see it is that your reaction to it would make me (a step-parent) run a mile. You should have just said "well you know I don't let you watch stranger things, you're too young" and let that be it.

Instead because of the reaction of you (and maybe the other parent) the partner has felt the need to remove herself from the situation temporarily.

@SnowyPolarBear9

I genuinely think @Allthegoodnamesarechosen was just correcting the pp who inaccurately mentioned father, when it is actually an all female parental dynamic from what you have disclosed.

I think your response @Allthegoodnamesarechosen was OTT and defensive…

Not saying there are never any nuggets of sensible advice. Just not generally overall and especially not in aibu.

OP you are right to be fuming. To shame a 9 year old over such trivia is ridiculous. Also what if he is telling the truth? I guess you have already checked that out. She should have spoken to you or your ex-partner not called him directly.

Don't worry about this poster op, she doesn't even have an understanding of what "natural consequences" means 😂

This.
It's not about "punishing" the child. It's about this lady setting personal boundaries around someone who is acting unpleasantly towards her - which she has every right to do.

@SnowyPolarBear9 I think your attitude is shameful. Finding out that if you do/say nasty things then people won't want to be with you is an important lesson your son needs to learn - you should be clarifying and reinforcing that message.
If you want to text your co-parent's partner, it should be with an apology for your son's actions.

Sounds like omw anea protecting herself
This was aild lie with no real harm done ,the next one might not be . Good for her it's your jobs as parents to find out why lied and what he hoped to gain by it . It sounds to me like he wanted to create drama between you all which would be successful if you sent your petty message . First rule of co parents is same page and united front .

If they were protecting themselves and not pushing my son (which has been the general consensus on here) then why did she need to communicate that to him given she barely sees him anyway?

I think the fact she did communicate it to him shows it is being used as a punishment. And if parental alienation is considered emotional abuse then I’m pretty sure this would be too imo!

I actually think you're crazy and so caught up in yourself and hating this other woman (are you jealous of her maybe?)... the consensus on this thread is exactly as I said... she is entitled to protect herself from any futures lies and entitled to tell your son as it affects her. It is a natural consequence of his actions, not a punishment.

Just because you clearly can't be bothered parenting. It is absolutely not emotional abuse or alienation... you are again reaching to paint this woman in a bad light.

Just stop. Grow up.

Which one is it - either it’s emotionally abusive because she’s a part of his life or she’s not a part of his life? You keep saying “she barely sees him” in which case, why does it matter that she’s stepping further back?

You can’t see the wood from the trees on this one I’m afraid.