AIBU to Be Angry With Co-Parent’s Partner?

[SnowyPolarBear9]

For context; same sex parents to one child. Co-parent is now with someone else (also same sex) and they’ve been together for approx 4 1/2 years.

My 9yo son recently told some fibs about co-parent’s partner suggesting/recommending films and series to him that were age rated 12 and 15. The rule is with me that if something has an age rating, he’s not allowed to watch it until he is 1 year younger (e.g age rating 12 he can’t watch until he’s 11).

Our son was spoken to by both of us (parents) about the situation and the seriousness of telling fibs etc. However my son has later told me that co-parent’s partner spoke to him on the phone about it, and said she wouldn’t be seeing him for a number of weeks because of the fibs he had told and that he had to stop them for her to see him again.

AIBU to be fuming with this? 😡

Firstly, for anyone to impose this type of punishment where they refuse to see the child I find absolutely disgusting. But she’s also not a big part of his life, co-parent and her partner don’t live together and the time co-parent’s partner spends with/sees my son is minimal. In the 4 and 1/2 years she’s been around, I think he’s spent overnight with her once.

I’m so upset by this as based on their dynamic and admittedly low-involvement relationship, I just don’t appreciate her “punishing” him. Plus, even if it was someone extremely close to him, I’d be appalled at such a cruel approach!

I’m trying to draft a message to the co-parent about it but I just can’t get my thoughts out properly in writing and I also want to know if I’m being unreasonable!

Thanks in advance 🙌🏻

Any conversation you may want to have about this needs to start between you and your ex.

That conversation needs to respect that it’s ok for one person to choose to reduce their interaction with someone who tells lies about them. That may require a more age appropriate explanation tha has been given so far, but there’s nothing wrong with that concept

agree with this, is it even true they co parents partner said this, given his history of lieing ? wouldnt be shocked if he's said it to try and get her into trouble.

Me too! And how does OP know that this conversation isn't something else that her child has lied about?

I would respect the ex's partners decision to have some space from the person who is making up stuff about her and let the dust settle a bit. Seems strange to punish the victim in this.

Would you want to spend time with someone who is telling lies about you that could potentially cause major issues? Children lying about adults can be a very dangerous thing.

This is a natural consequence of your child’s behaviour. The partner needs to protect themselves against any lies or allegations in the future.

you’re not doing your son any favours with this kind of parenting op. time to step up.

I'd be incredibly wary of putting myself in a position where I was alone with a child who'd made up lies that painted me in an irresponsible/inappropriate light, and I'm not surprised your co-parent's partner has reacted this way

Absolutely this.

I would also actively avoid a child who made false allegations and does not live with me. It could ruin my career and impact on my own children. I would hope and support the parents to address whatever issues and securities the child is experiencing to behave like this in the first place.

It's fair for the adult to explain to the child that she cannot spend time with him, if he is going to tell lies about her. Seems like a reasonable life lesson to me. Makes it clear she hasn't abandoned him but he is experiencing a natural consequence of his actions. Did he express any remorse or apologise to her? If not, it is reasonable to stay away from him until parents have (hopefully) resolved whatever is causing the behaviour.

I don't think it's wrong that ex's partner wants to put some distance between themselves and a child who has told lies about them. I do think it was unnecessary for them to communicate that to the child directly and they probably should have left that to the child's parent.

You are unreasonable to be so angry about it though - it's not a punishment. I would concentrate your energies on making sure your son understands what he did was very wrong, and why.

I agree. It's so tiring.

Wait a minute. The “punishment” is just not seeing this parent’s partner. I’d agree with you that they should stay out of it if they were imposing some other punishment like they were the one saying “I’m grounding you” or “I’m taking your phone off you” or whatever but surely all they are doing is protecting themselves from having a lie told about them to their partner?! Also, from the child’s perspective I would suggest that this isn’t much of a punishment anyway. “You won’t see the partner of your parent, that you barely see anyway” would presumably elicit a massive shrug and “K” response from most kids.

I think they have every right to stop spending time with your son and to let him know why. Its not a punishment, it is a boundary. I think the parents should be putting some form of punishment in place to help him learn not to behave in that way again

I agree with what has been said, this might be another lie. Now you know your child can tell lies about adults, you need to drop anger as your immediate response. It also depends on the series, it could be viewed as grooming and allowing a child to watch inappropriate content is seen as exposing them to sexual or emotional harm. You should contact the Partner and find out what was said, but take on board that your child's lies could have serious consequences and actually listen.

Yes @SnowyPolarBear9 write a letter to your ex telling her that she has to force her partner to come see your child even though he lied about her and they don't see each other much normally...

Clearly you must realise that that would be a very weird thing to do. Your son lied about someone so that person wants to stay away from him for awhile. Entirely reasonable. Is your son upset? I think it's more that he feeels guilty which is a good thing- maybe he won't try to lie about her again.

Your child is old enough to know that telling lies is wrong. This needs to be reinforced.
The partner to you ex has sensibly realised that a child telling lies about them has the potential to escalate into something more damaging and has decided not to see your child for the time being. They are correct.
They have chosen to tell your child this and that it’s a consequence of telling lies. This is perfectly reasonable.
Hopefully your child has learned a valuable lesson.

Natural consequence, innit?

He spread lies about her. She doesn't want to be around him and he should know why.

Good for her ! I guess you are all women.
She does not want to be associated with a liar - what will your son find to lie about next...

do not minimise lying i.e. using the feeble word ' fibs ' he is 9 not 2

I think if he isn’t living with this new partner at all , he shouldn’t really be on the phone to them. I can’t really understand why that would’ve come about?
You are being unreasonable and minimising that he has lied. Equally I agree with you that the ‘I’m not seeing you’ as punishment is harsh and manipulative for a 9yo.

In your shoes I would start trying to put more distance in between your child and the partner as there doesn’t need to be much contact if they don’t live together. I would send new partner a message - having spoken to your ex first - saying son was out of line etc and you and partner will Punish accordingly and that she (?) doesn’t need to withhold seeing child as you and other parent will do the punishing.

I'm team her.

I wonder if the relationship is strained having to put up with a lying child that isn't even blood related to her girlfriend so she's distancing herself from anything involving you.

"Fuming"? Why, all they said was they won't be seeing him because he lied about them. They haven't punished him at all. Have you or his other parent done so?
And are you sure your son has told the truth about this conversation anyway?

Was he actually lying? Has he admitted it?

Completely nothing to do with the thread but omg your name 😂😂😂😂

It’s not cruel for someone to distance themselves from a child who has told a fib about them. The partner is lucky that everyone knows that it’s a fib because sometimes they can’t be proven and an allegation from a child is hard to shake off. If he’d done that to a peer then there’s a high probability of them doing the same- it’s a natural consequence that’s understandable.

I’m not sure that phoning and announcing it was a smart move unless your ex was listening to the call so could verify what was and wasn’t said just in case your son fibbed again.

I understand that he’s 9 and 9 year olds do stupid impulsive things but do you think that Theresa an underlying cause of this? Does he want attention from his parent? Is he trying to process the fact that classmates can watch things like Stranger Things while he can’t? Do you think it was a clumsy attempt at seeing if he could get you to bend the rule? In 9 year old logic, maybe you’d bend the rule and allow him to watch Stranger Things if “Melissa” thinks it’s a good idea?

I’m not saying that the rule is unreasonable but I think that you are unreasonable to use words like cruel

I’m confused about the logistics here. The new partner doesn’t live with your ex, but has phoned your 9 y.o. to tell them they won’t be seeing them for a while. Why would an adult who doesn’t live with the child do this? Is this another lie?

So you think op should say to her ex to say to partner.. “no you will not, not see this child who has told lies about you! He wants to see you therefore you have no choice in the matter!” ?