AIBU to Be Angry With Co-Parent’s Partner?

[SnowyPolarBear9]

For context; same sex parents to one child. Co-parent is now with someone else (also same sex) and they’ve been together for approx 4 1/2 years.

My 9yo son recently told some fibs about co-parent’s partner suggesting/recommending films and series to him that were age rated 12 and 15. The rule is with me that if something has an age rating, he’s not allowed to watch it until he is 1 year younger (e.g age rating 12 he can’t watch until he’s 11).

Our son was spoken to by both of us (parents) about the situation and the seriousness of telling fibs etc. However my son has later told me that co-parent’s partner spoke to him on the phone about it, and said she wouldn’t be seeing him for a number of weeks because of the fibs he had told and that he had to stop them for her to see him again.

AIBU to be fuming with this? 😡

Firstly, for anyone to impose this type of punishment where they refuse to see the child I find absolutely disgusting. But she’s also not a big part of his life, co-parent and her partner don’t live together and the time co-parent’s partner spends with/sees my son is minimal. In the 4 and 1/2 years she’s been around, I think he’s spent overnight with her once.

I’m so upset by this as based on their dynamic and admittedly low-involvement relationship, I just don’t appreciate her “punishing” him. Plus, even if it was someone extremely close to him, I’d be appalled at such a cruel approach!

I’m trying to draft a message to the co-parent about it but I just can’t get my thoughts out properly in writing and I also want to know if I’m being unreasonable!

Thanks in advance 🙌🏻

Why does it have to. Be communicated by the other parent?

dont you ever have a video call ? I do, quite often, with my kids and their partners chime in if they’re around.

Hmmm I am on the fence here. I am a parent and a step parent twice over. Whilst I agree with ppl that the new partner is right to remove themselves from the mix I agree with @SnowyPolarBear9 that it wasnt their place to actively seek out the ds and tell him. That is a massive overstep.

That said, @SnowyPolarBear9 you are massively down playing your ds's behaviour here. The implications of his behaviour are huge. You dont say what the new partners job is, but if they were a teacher, social worker, doctor, nurse etc and it was said to school and triggered a safeguarding log then the partner could be in massive trouble. What actual consequences has your ds received for his lies?

@LiviaDrusillaAugustawhat’s ludicrous is that over the course of two hours yesterday you called a 9 year old child (MY child) a:

”Lying little stirrer”
”Nasty liar”
”Malicious child”

and

”So spiteful”

An adult calling a child names. Repeatedly. Wow. And you say that @Weeelokthenis angry?

Why is it an overstep? It wasn’t a punishment. At 9 he is old enough to understand what he has done.

Look through the thread. I’m not the only one who has said this.

any repercussions should be enforced by his parents

Generally I agree when you’re talking about punishments like taking away screen time or whatever, but not when the behaviour harmed another person. This is a consequence directly related to her, and I think “I am unwilling to spend time around someone who tells lies about me” is a perfectly reasonable boundary for her to hold.
In the same way that, if a child hit another child, the parent of the child who was hit might reasonably say “my child won’t be coming round for a play date because they don’t want to be hit”. And it would be very unreasonable for the parents of the child who hit to say that they should be the only ones enforcing a consequence.

Because the new partner is not the patent. Had the other parent told him that their new partner would not being him because of the lies, fine. But it is not the place of the new boyfriend/girlfriend of the other parent. Take a look on the stepaprent board and you will see why.

So, how do you know he's telling the truth about any of this?

He's already lied about her once. He comes up with a hundred reasons and justifications for things to the extent that you've imposed a blanket rule.

Why are you so sure that this telephone conversation took place when you weren't part of it (or you would say that rather than he told you it happened) and if he did speak to her, did his other parent witness/hear the words he is telling you she said to him?

"Our son was spoken to by both of us (parents) about the situation and the seriousness of telling fibs etc. However my son has later told me that co-parent’s partner spoke to him on the phone about it, and said she wouldn’t be seeing him for a number of weeks because of the fibs he had told and that he had to stop them for her to see him again."

Assuming that your son is telling the truth about this phone call, I'm curious as to why you see this as a "punishment?" She's setting a boundary, presumably to protect herself. As others have said, his lying about her in other contexts could have extremely serious consequences for her, especially if she's e.g. a teacher, police officer etc. She's right to draw a line and explain the consequences of his actions (again, if that's what she actually said and did in this phone call). At 9yo he's old enough to understand right from wrong and that his behaviour has consequences.

Could the co parent have suggested this to her partner and therefor she repeated to your child? I’d probably make a call to ask if she is aware it’s happened?
i don’t think I have an issue with what she said or did (however I am a stepmum so maybe see things differently), maybe it’s hurt a lot and this is her boundary and she’s trying this way to make sure it gets through to child that it’s serious?

Agree 100 per cent. I wouldn’t want to be around a child that lied about me either. This needs to be addressed.

I think it’s bad too . But I think anyone that doesn’t live with her is not really a partner but a girlfriend and maybe your son should be so attached to her? That’s obviously my opinion and you don’t have to agree .
if he gets upset tell him to focus on his parent and you and that’s it . If this person was that important they would make more effort .
mom a step mum myself and I would never punish my step kids by making myself unavailable.

Yes the lying has been dealt with by parents I’m unsure why some replies have suggested that it hasn’t been when again, this wasn’t in the OP.

The assumption has come from you talking about him having "told a fib" which is very much minimising the issue. He told a lie. He told a fairly small lie, without far reaching consequences this time, which could lead to bigger lies, with hard hitting consequences, which you only seem to now realise, as it's been pointed out in this thread.

Why you couldn't see that before us beyond me. I feel that because you saw it as a little fib, with no consequences, you will not have punished him or even discussed the matter firmly. So, that's why there is that assumption. If you have given a real punishment then I'll be interested to hear it.

Absolutely not being unreasonable at all. He didn't "fib" - he told an outright lie about someone. In the grand scheme of things it wasn't about anything serious, but what if next time it is serious? What if his "fib" costs this person their relationship? Their job?

He is 9, well old enough to know the difference between truth and lies and if you are dismissing it as a "fib" then I don't blame them for not being around him.

i'd love to know what's not 'sensible and measured' about me saying the op needs to speak to their ex and let the ex handle their partner, rather than tackling her exes partner directly.

Your son tried to get her in trouble. Of course she has a right. Hope your son learns. What would have happened if it was a fib about some form of abuse.

I actually don't blame her - I think it's more about protecting herself, rather than punishing him. The next lie might be bigger, or have far reaching implications for her.

I can't believe this rush by adult women to demonise a child. The vitriol is astonishing. Nine years old is still a little boy.

All of us who are mums to boys (and/or, I guess, mums to girls?) will have dealt with our children experiencing not exactly peer "pressure" - that's too strong a term - but the child wanting to fit in with their cohort at primary school.

There will be kids in the same year/class at the boy's school who've watched TV shows or played games that are too old for them. They might have older siblings, or perhaps their parents are very relaxed about age restrictions.

@SnowyPolarBear9 isn't happy with her child watching shows that are too old for him. Fair enough. But he wants to fit in, or at least not to feel completely clueless when his classmates talk about "Stranger Things".

So I would still maintain that he has thought "How can I sway this my way? Who do I know who's an adult (hmm...I don't know many adults) that I can say thinks these shows are great, and good for me to watch? I know, I'll take a punt on Mum #2's partner. She seems pretty cool and fun. We've talked about how she likes the show. I know it's a lie that she actually said I should watch it, but Mum #1 doesn't really talk to Mum #2's partner all that often, so maybe I'll get away with it."

During the course of this thread:
@LiviaDrusillaAugusta has called this little boy "a nasty liar", "a malicious child", "a child who is so spiteful".
@Ablondiebutagoody has called him "a little shit".

@PoppinjayPolly has talked about "nasty lies being spread" [by this little boy]
@Ablondiebutagoody has said "what might they [the child] make up next?"
@BudgetBuster has called Mum #2's partner "a woman protecting herself from the lies of a child."

Mum #2's partner (until Mum #2 tells Mum #1 otherwise) had a private phone call with the little boy, to tell him "I can't see you any more, if you tell fibs."

It's creepy, threatening, emotional backmail, but many of you on this thread seem to think it's just fine. Because she's a (fully grown) woman, protecting herself from what a child might do to her next.

The power, and the knowledge of how to manipulate or hurt others, throughout the whole history of our existence on earth (give or take a Pharaoh) lies with adults.

Let's turn the whole thing on its head. Let's suppose, as some posters are implying, the little boy has the preternatural forethought at his age, the Machiavellian intelligence, and the volition to do harm to this woman. As several of you have said, it's terrifying: he could destroy her career! Her life!

So she wouldn't phone him. He's far too frightening. She talks to her partner instead. "Darling, I'm so frightened. It's... it's Damien."

Bringing it back down to earth, if this little boy really does want to hurt his Mum #2's partner by lying, WHY?

Her taking a step back could be a good thing.

Thanks for the tag in your novel.

Yes, I did say that the Partner seems.to be a woman protecting herself from the lies of a child. Never once did I say that the child purposely set out to cause trouble (in fact I think it was a pretty innocent lie that he didnt even think about really, and if it were my child it never would have gone any further because I'd just have said "my rule is that you can't watch that show")....

I have also agreed that I don't think the private phonecall was the most tactful way of explaining to the child why he shouldn't lie.

But I will absolutely stand by the fact that kids lies (deliberate or not) can ruin peoples reputations and that the OP flew off the handle and was fuming which is exactly the kind of negative shit that can happen and needs protecting from.

He's lied ... what else could he lie about she is protecting herself and I would too .

@BudgetBuster
Yes, it was a bit of a novel...oops, started and couldn't stop.
Thanks for the kind reply.
I do understand that lies told in a school setting or similar can have terrible consequences.

A few questions occur to me:

• you keep saying "my rule" related to the one year below thing. Does your coparent agree with this rule, or did you unilaterally introduce it?

• if the partner HAD suggested these films, would it have been a problem? Maybe she had no idea what their age rating was. Or didn't know about your rule. Would you be angry for someone for mentioning a film to him that is outside your parameters? And if so why?

• why did he lie?.(I assume you have asked him). What was he hoping to achieve?

• did she tell him she wouldn't see him for a while, as a natural consequence of his actions, or did she describe it as a "punishment"? (I think the former is fine, the latter really weird).

I honestly don't know how you made it so long 😂😂 Did you write down notes about what everyone said throughout haha or have 2 screens open?

@AliasGrapeit was the latter! I think I mentioned this further up, sorry if I didn’t.

It’s wild how a child tells a minor lie and suddenly hundreds of adults are acting like he’s going to become the next Pinocchio or some lifelong pathological liar. Kids test boundaries — that’s part of learning, not a sign they’re beyond help.

I agree with her distancing herself. I think the message should have come from the parent (that person's partner). But, either way, she is right to have taken that action of not seeing him.