AIBU to Be Angry With Co-Parent’s Partner?

[SnowyPolarBear9]

For context; same sex parents to one child. Co-parent is now with someone else (also same sex) and they’ve been together for approx 4 1/2 years.

My 9yo son recently told some fibs about co-parent’s partner suggesting/recommending films and series to him that were age rated 12 and 15. The rule is with me that if something has an age rating, he’s not allowed to watch it until he is 1 year younger (e.g age rating 12 he can’t watch until he’s 11).

Our son was spoken to by both of us (parents) about the situation and the seriousness of telling fibs etc. However my son has later told me that co-parent’s partner spoke to him on the phone about it, and said she wouldn’t be seeing him for a number of weeks because of the fibs he had told and that he had to stop them for her to see him again.

AIBU to be fuming with this? 😡

Firstly, for anyone to impose this type of punishment where they refuse to see the child I find absolutely disgusting. But she’s also not a big part of his life, co-parent and her partner don’t live together and the time co-parent’s partner spends with/sees my son is minimal. In the 4 and 1/2 years she’s been around, I think he’s spent overnight with her once.

I’m so upset by this as based on their dynamic and admittedly low-involvement relationship, I just don’t appreciate her “punishing” him. Plus, even if it was someone extremely close to him, I’d be appalled at such a cruel approach!

I’m trying to draft a message to the co-parent about it but I just can’t get my thoughts out properly in writing and I also want to know if I’m being unreasonable!

Thanks in advance 🙌🏻

My son did admit to lying about the age rated content being suggested to him and yes he’s been very upset about it
upset at himself for lying or
upset for being called out on it?

It's not a consequence I'd be on board with if it was a parent withdrawing themselves from the child. As you said she isn't a big part of his life so I don't think what she is doing is all that bad, still not something I'd do but it is understandable. It must be difficult for her having a child make up malicious lies, if a child had done that to me I'd be worried they may end up making up something very serious that could cause a lot of trouble. I'd want to be ensuring they know how serious it was and that it didn't happen again.

Exactly. It’s not a punishment, it’s the partner protecting herself and showing the boy what lies like his might have to lead to.

The OP is about whether she’s right to be angry: she’s not because it’s an incredibly minor thing which has been blown up out of proportion.

Telling a kid about a film they’re not allowed to watch isn’t terrible, a kid telling a fib to try to play parents off against each other isn’t terrible, putting a boundary in place as a repercussion isn’t terrible!

Just overreaction after overreaction.

She's absolutely right. What if the next "fib" (lie) is that she abused him?

I think the partner has done the right thing. They have set clear boundaries with your son. They are ensuring your son realises that there are consequences to his actions and this time has resulted in them keeping a distance for a while.

You may not have liked how the partner went about it it but realistically your son is of an age to understand that lying is wrong. This wasn’t just a fib, he told a lie that he knew would result in his parents talking about it. The partner is ensuring there are boundaries incase your son decides to lie about something far worse in the future.

Personally I wouldn’t speak to the co-parent about this. I would just explain to your son that the partner is right to feel upset about the lies and has made a decision on what is best for them. Yes you and the co- parent spoke to your son but did the partner get an apology?

Lies not 'fibs'. Your son is 9 not 3.

I think your ex should be more involved than his partner but know it's not easy.

Be gentle with your son but try to find the truth.

I do feel for you and for the boy, it is a very difficult situation.

What does your ex think about this. Because I imagine she knows/ knew. I am wondering whether when you say that “the parents” should be responsible for any repercussions what you mean is that only you should be responsible. If your ex knows and is fine with it then there you go, a parent is on board 🤷‍♀️

Plus you say that she went out of her way to tell your DS- are you sure? Because what if he was speaking to her anyway and then asked “why aren’t you here this weekend?” What was she supposed to do- lie? I’d want to know the full conversation from the adult’s perspective and not your DS who already appears to be learning the art of making a step-parent’s life a misery and manipulating you.

If you do speak to anyone speak to your ex and get her perspective. Do not speak to the new partner unless it is to apologise and/ or confirm you see her perspective. I can only imagine how hurt she was after being in his life for so long. Certainly don’t go in there all guns blazing- she didn’t ask for this to happen and is entitled to her own feelings and actions.

How do you know he isnt telling more lies about her to deflect away from having told some in the first place?

Assuming he's telling the truth as wouldn't be first time he's told a lie that could get her into shit, then whilst I think she could have worded it better she's got every right to not want to be around him right now, I'd not want to be around a child who told lies about me to give them more opportunities to tell more lies because where does that end? Yes you've has words with him about not telling fibs, that doesn't mean he won't though. I think if you are going to message your co parent about this, your focus should be less on how it's made you feel and how angry you are and more on what can be done to repair and build up the relationship between your co parents partner and your son as I imagine that's one of the reasons your son is telling lies.

If your son has already lied about her once, how can you be sure this phone call and everything she said in it even took place, or that she said all the things he says she said in it?

Personally I think you should leave this to your ex partner to deal with. Let her know that DS has told you that partner has called him and said this, that you’re surprised she’s spoken to him directly about it, and you’d prefer she left this kind of thing to the pair of you in future. Let her decide if the phone call is real and if the contents of it crossed a line, and how she wishes to handle it.

This thread is madness, you don't stop seeing your child because they tell lies about you! What would people do if they lived with the child full time? Kick their 9 year old out? Wouldn't put it past some of the nutters on here tbf.

You don't punish your child by not seeing them, that is absolutely crazy. That is horribly abusive. Of course there should be consequences for lying, but oh my do people love to punish on here.

What he actually needs is for someone to talk to him about the consequences of lying - people no longer trust you, the person you tell lies about could get in a lot of trouble, when the truth comes out you could then get in a lot of trouble. But no, why go to bother of explaining all that and having him understand the consequences of his behaviour when you can just punish him by taking his phone away? Even better just refuse to see him as his parent - brilliant!

Sorry OP that you've got so much complete insanity from this thread,

If it is true, then the partner is well within her rights to speak to the child directly given that she was the one he lied about. Going forward she isn’t going to trust him

She is not deciding his punishment though, she has quite rightfully communicated the boundaries she now has to put in place to protect herself as a result of him lying.
There is nothing malicious or spiteful in what she has said, just the consequences, and she has every right to tell him this.
Maybe you are upset because your son is upset and you’re directing your upset at the wrong person.
Many people have ended up in terrible situations because of kids telling lies, what your son will learn from hearing the impact on another person directly will be more valuable than the ‘words’ had with him.

I totally agree that it is the job of the parents to discipline and ensure that this child knows the ramifications of their actions.

However, the co-parents partner also has every right to be upset that the child has made these allegations. Has this person received an apology from the child? Has the child admitted they were wrong in front of the person they lied about? If not, I would distance myself too. It sounds like the partner is extremely hurt (quite rightly so) and needs their space. It doesn’t sound like they are forcing punishment, just distance.

Death of a Unicorn is really gory and a a bit disturbing. Much worse than Stranger Things.

I think YABU, although she's not a parent or authority figure over him, she was the one he lied about and could have gotten into serious trouble so imo she has a right to have her voice heard in this particular matter

I’m sure he’s not as upset as the partner.

It’s disturbing that he’s telling lies about an adult. He needs to learn the consequence of that. What if he does it about a teacher? You know that people have lost everything through some malicious child?

What if something happened and he told someone who didn’t then believe him?

She was within her rights to speak to him directly because its a natural consequence of his appalling behaviour. If I were her, I wouldn’t want to speak to him ever again in case he lied again.

You might want to reread the OP. Nobody is talking about not seeing their own child. It's the ex's girlfriend that is sensibly removing herself from a volatile situation.

Quite. If this behaviour goes unchecked it could lead to more serious lies...

Like with my niece, who lied that her stepmum was having an affair. Niece was in her early teens - this is the kind of lie those smaller "fibs" can grow into, unless nipped in the bud.

To be honest, she isn’t stopping him seeing his mum is she? She’s just saying she doesn’t want to see him for a while due to his actions. He is old enough to know better and I agree with a PP who said the lies could escalate and if he lies about her doing something worse, could get her into deep trouble. You need to teach him about the boy who cried wolf.

She shouldn’t have directly told him this, having said that. I think she should have told your ex she doesn’t want to see him for a while because she’s hurt he lied and worried he might do it again.

Are the consequences a bit tough? Yes. A bit. But seeing as your child doesn't see this partner much, it's not really that big a deal.

But as others have said, I'd be focusing on why the child is lying.

It's a funny old thing nowadays how much parents back their children to the hilt. In some ways in comparison with parents who didn't back you up at all, this is lovely and supportive. But sometimes it goes too far. You see this in schools all the time where teachers are undermined by parents.

I think OP you might be more annoyed by the situation than the behaviour of your ex's partner. Your son is 9, not a baby. They'll get over it and it's right that there are consequences for actions, even if this maybe seems a little "off".

*Edited just for my stupid spelling.

Ah don’t let the facts get in the way of a dramatic rant! 😆

However my son has later told me that co-parent’s partner spoke to him on the phone about it, and said she wouldn’t be seeing him for a number of weeks because of the fibs he had told and that he had to stop them for her to see him again.

Your son told you this? Are you sure he's telling the truth?

I don’t think this child has a father, if the same sex partner of the other parent is a ‘her’. He has two ‘mothers’ or at least two female ‘parents’ and now another woman in the mix…..

OP I’m sorry but there is no point in trying to get any kind of sensible or measured advice on here and definitely not in aibu.