AIBU to Be Angry With Co-Parent’s Partner?

[SnowyPolarBear9]

For context; same sex parents to one child. Co-parent is now with someone else (also same sex) and they’ve been together for approx 4 1/2 years.

My 9yo son recently told some fibs about co-parent’s partner suggesting/recommending films and series to him that were age rated 12 and 15. The rule is with me that if something has an age rating, he’s not allowed to watch it until he is 1 year younger (e.g age rating 12 he can’t watch until he’s 11).

Our son was spoken to by both of us (parents) about the situation and the seriousness of telling fibs etc. However my son has later told me that co-parent’s partner spoke to him on the phone about it, and said she wouldn’t be seeing him for a number of weeks because of the fibs he had told and that he had to stop them for her to see him again.

AIBU to be fuming with this? 😡

Firstly, for anyone to impose this type of punishment where they refuse to see the child I find absolutely disgusting. But she’s also not a big part of his life, co-parent and her partner don’t live together and the time co-parent’s partner spends with/sees my son is minimal. In the 4 and 1/2 years she’s been around, I think he’s spent overnight with her once.

I’m so upset by this as based on their dynamic and admittedly low-involvement relationship, I just don’t appreciate her “punishing” him. Plus, even if it was someone extremely close to him, I’d be appalled at such a cruel approach!

I’m trying to draft a message to the co-parent about it but I just can’t get my thoughts out properly in writing and I also want to know if I’m being unreasonable!

Thanks in advance 🙌🏻

Good on her.
She is merely protecting herself from your son's lies.

Tell your son that there are consequences to lying. People who love you don't trust you and sometimes choose to see less of you and stop confiding in you..

I don’t see it as her punishing him tbh, she’s setting boundaries against someone else’s child making false allegations about her.

Ex step parent here 🙋🏻‍♀️

I can completely get where partner is coming from, but this should have come from his parents.

The consequences are right but they came from the wrong person.

I always said that if DSC ever lied about me, I would never be around them alone again.

If she's not 'a big part of his life' - then it's not a massive consequence is it?

This.

Staying away from a child telling fibs to cause you problems is the sensible thing to do it's not punishment it's self protection.

You should be focuing displeasure on your son for lying and destroying trust and trying to cause your ex Dp issues.

Also (assuming she actually said that) she is not punishing him. She doesn’t want to be around someone who could tell all kinds of lies about her.

General lies are bad enough but making up those kind of lies about an adult is actually a little concerning. He could get someone in a lot of trouble and also if he ever needs to tell someone about something serious, they won’t believe him.

Interesting that you think it’s her being cruel. I would argue that at 9 years old he is old enough to understand that his behaviour is cruel and dangerous.

Yes you are being unreasonable. Your son told lies about an adult who has decided they don’t want to see him for a bit. That’s a consequence.

Ultimately this was a low stakes lie. What if it hadn’t been? Your son needs to learn.

No she’s right. She obviously feels betrayed and what he did could have serious consequences. She has feelings and boundaries and good for your DS to see this in action.

The fact that he’s done this in the first place indicates to me that you could possibly learn from her.

Plus you are completely overreacting. You might not agree with her decision but being furious and posting here is completely OTT. Stop interfering and let your ex and her new partner manage their relationship with your DS as they see fit.

Gently, are you sure this is what has happened? Your son has made up lies once, how can you tell his version of this phonecall is true, or even if it took place?

This, I know you think it is harsh and maybe she was a bit forthright but your son is telling lies about her of course she doesn't have to see him.

If I was the partner, I would be worried why your child is telling lies about me and what they might make up next. Rather than punishment, I just wouldn't want to spend time with the little shit.

They need to learn the consequences of lying, and your are blind to this.

Oh bog off.

This isn't a generic 'boy mum' behaviour. Plenty of awfully behaved girls on mn too where mum is their enabler.

Thanks everyone for the replies.

Admittedly I hadn’t considered my ex’s partner being worried about any potential future or worsening lies so I do fully take that on board as I would feel the same. However I just can’t accept that she has gone out of her way to communicate with him that she won’t be seeing him for a while, as others have agreed, she should’ve just done this quietly in the background and let his parents deal with the punishment/repercussions as it’s not her place.

I just feel that any repercussions should be enforced by his parents and not someone that doesn't have an active, consistent role in his life.

For those that have commented on my “poor” parenting; the post doesn’t mention anything about my parenting. So this is just a ridiculous (and hurtful) assumption!

Yes the lying has been dealt with by parents I’m unsure why some replies have suggested that it hasn’t been when again, this wasn’t in the OP.

My son did admit to lying about the age rated content being suggested to him and yes he’s been very upset about it. Just for clarification, it wasn’t anything majorly explicit (the main one was Stranger Things and the other one was Death Of A Unicorn which I think is a 15). I appreciate everyone has different rules when it comes to age ratings on games/films and so on, but allowing him to watch things 1 year before he hits the age rating is just my rule and what I feel is appropriate as a parent. Not sure why I’m being told this is ridiculous 🤷🏼‍♀️ I’m sure if I said I allow my 9yo to watch 15s that I’d be reprimanded for that too 🤣

Your son told lies deliberately trying to get the ex's partner in trouble.

Damn straight she should stop seeing him until he stops lying. It's not a punishment, it's a boundary.

Why would you enable his lies? Lies have consequences. Your son is at fault here. He's trying to cause trouble.

You're unreasonable and it seems like part of the problem.

What if the little boy wasn't lying? It's a possibility is it not? Maybe he and co-parent's partner had been chatting about their favourite TV shows. Maybe he thought by mentioning to you that she thinks whatever shows are great/cool, he might be allowed to watch them.
Her having a private phone call with your nine year old, saying "I can't see you if you tell fibs" I have to say I find creepy. Gives me an emotional blackmail vibe. I wouldn't like this one little bit.
Any conversation about how she's feeling should be with her partner and you: the adults in the room.
And I think any consequences for telling lies, if indeed he did lie - whether it's no TV for a week, or whatever - should be explained to him and meted out by the co-parents, not the partner.

Wow, there’s some wildly OTT reactions on this thread, I’m so surprised!

What are these serious and lasting consequences that people think would come to the partner from the lie that they recommended a tv programme?

Also, much more context is needed. Did he intentionally make up this lie in order to discredit the partner or ‘get them into trouble’ (which seems to be how most replying to the thread are reading it). That is more serious, and there does need to be some follow up to it and I can understand the partner distancing themselves in this case, although the phone call seems both pointless and manipulative- it should have been left to the parents to communicate.

What seems far more likely to me is that the boy just wanted to watch something, and said something along the lines of ‘but Partner said I could’ when told no. That’s far more understandable - and whilst still not right and needing a consequence, is hardly the crime if the century which requires this kind of overly emotional punishment. The equivalent of my (admittedly much younger) DD trying the ‘but mummy says I can’ when her dad tells her no. Which nobody falls for I might add.

@SnowyPolarBear9 there may be more helpful responses if you can explain which one it was?

She may have over stepped, but she is in his life and the lies were about her so I do think she has a right to a say, your son is probably at the age where he realises his parents are separated and he is stirring a little bit..

This would have been first response to the OP and everyone would have agreed with it, if the Co parents partner had been male.

I agree it’s up to the parents to determine any punishments and reprimand a child for their behaviour, however your ex’s partner has the full right to protect themselves from a child telling lies about them. Them not wanting to see him is not them punishing him, it’s them protecting themselves. So in that sense I wouldn’t find it unreasonable. Also, I feel OP is minimising what the child did. It’s not a fib, it’s a lie.

I just feel that any repercussions should be enforced by his parents and not someone that doesn't have an active, consistent role in his life.
protecting herself is allowed, and you don’t get to deny that by calling it enforcing repercussions. If that’s what it looks like to you then tough luck. It’s very stressful for an adult too to see how lies could just ruin their future - their relationship, their work depending on the lie and what they do.

just feel that any repercussions should be enforced by his parents and not someone that doesn't have an active, consistent role in his life.
so why’s it an issue? You don’t think the partner should be allowed to say who she doe and doesn’t want in her life?
was she on loudspeaker for the conversation or is this from the child who’s already lied about her?

The rule YOU impose is neither here nor there. That's your rule. It has no bearing on the issue at hand.

Why is your chuld upset... he's the one who was lying? Is he upset because he was caught out?

What repercussions did you impose?

Of course your exes partner (who has been in your sons life half his life so I'm not sure why you are downplaying her role) is the one who has been caught in the crossfire and is perfectly capable of explaining to your 9yo that his actions AGAINST HER have consequences FROM HER.

People are commenting on your lack of parenting because you are immediately out to get this woman who is the victim of your child's lies...

Massive weird overreaction all round. Who cares if she recommends a film with an adult rating to a kid she barely sees? It’s the parents’ job to keep the devices locked down. Knowing the name of an 18 film isn’t going to harm him?

But she didn’t. I don’t think it’s an overreaction to not want to spend time with a child who is prone to telling very spiteful lies about adults.

This doesn't at all deals with the potentially dangerous situation the other parents partner was put in?

If the OP is this "fuming" over something so simple, imagine how she would react when the child inevitably lies about something more serious.... which is what would happen if the correct ramifications aren't put in place.