AIBU to feel sad my son's inherited ring will be redesigned?

[Cathrube]

My son inherited my mum’s engagement ring as the eldest grandson, which felt really special at the time, it’s quite a sentimental piece in our family.
He’s now planning to propose (which is lovely!), but he doesn’t want to use the ring as it is. His girlfriend prefers yellow gold and wants a peach sapphire as the centre stone, so he’s planning to redesign it and use some of the diamonds in a new ring instead.
I completely understand wanting something that suits her style, and I don’t expect her to wear something she doesn’t love. But I can’t help feeling a bit sad at the thought of the original ring being taken apart, especially given its history.
Part of me thinks it might be nicer if he offered the ring intact to his brother or cousins, and then created something new separately. But I also realise it was given to him, so maybe it’s his choice what he does with it.
Am I being unreasonable to feel like this, or is it fair to want the ring to stay whole?

I agree with you OP.
However, your mother made he decision and I would let any sentimentality go with the ring.
I presume she had zero sentimental attachment when she made her decision, otherwiseshe would have chosen differently.
What he is doing is to be predicted so don't stress about it.

I have what can only be described as a spectacular amount of jewellery, from inheritance, a gifting husband, and years in the far east 40 years ago.

I will divide it out between my children, but my son's will not be getting any of the inheritance pieces from great grandparents, including watch chains, fobs, diamond rings, pure gold match pendants etc. and valuable dress rings.

They will go to my daughters and what they do with them will be up to them.
You cannot expect most young men to have the same attachment IMO.

My mum didn’t specify who got what in terms of her jewellery. This wasn’t a problem as I didn’t want any of it and my 3 sisters chose a few pieces each. They all had rings and necklaces remodelled and now wear and enjoy them. They had good diamonds and other stones like rubies and emeralds, but the designs were dated - her engagement ring was from the 60s for example.

They still gave sentimental associations, but if they’d kept them as they were, they’d not have been worn. My mum would’ve hated to think we felt obliged to keep her rings and necklaces as she had them.

I think it's really sad. And I'd be rather upset at this. It's not a simple tweak, it'll render the ring useless, as he's removing the little diamonds and putting it on a new band with a new centre stone. So he's not even redesigning the ring, he's destroying it.

I'd actually be furious. He should get a bespoke ring designed for his girlfriend, and leave your mother's ring as it is, either give it to a relative who will appreciate it, or gift it to you.

I think he's being incredibly thoughtless. A brand new bespoke ring of her choosing would be much more appropriate given she doesn't like your mother's ring as it is.

My aunt gave me my nans engagement ring when my husband and I talked about getting engaged. Actually my nan wasn’t a nice person and was estranged from 2 of her 3 daughters for 20 years. But I look at it that my grandad chose it and he was a lovely man, so I wear it with pride. It’s over 100 years old . It’s obviously antique and very much a ring of its time and people often comment on it.

I would feel the same. I wear my mother's rings everyday. They are probably very dated but I don't care, when I wear them, I feel close to my lovely Mum.

She’s bound to have known that with only boys to choose from that it would possibly end up being altered, unwanted by a fiancée or even lost to the family in a divorce.

all you can do is offer to buy it off him so that he can have a new custom ring built with the money or take some stones for it if he has sentimentality and leave you with the rest

if he says no then he wants his fiancée to have his grans ring.

I’m with you. The family heirloom piece should remain intact.

He's no longer really passing the ring down, is he? He's going to have it completely dismantled to small parts to create an entirely new ring.

I think that given this, one of the other family members should be able to have it if they intend to honor it as it is.

I'd have a word with him. It doesn't sit right with me, personally.

Adding to the above...sounds like the GF doesn't LIKE the ring as it is and wants an entirely different kind of ring so he is going to basically destroy your dear mother's ring to appease her whilst saving a bit of money.

Yeah. Hard no. Incredibly distasteful and disrespectful.

That is so sweet @Cathrube ❤️❤️ I had never heard of a peach sapphire until your thread it looks absolutely stunning.

It might be worth sussing out if he feels he has to use grandmother's ring. Perhaps he is trying to use it in some way. Or if affordable offer to pay for the halo diamonds in new ring and keep mums ring for yourself, you could pass it to a granddaughter one day.

If son does feel sentimental about the ring and wants to use the diamonds then I would not cause a fuss as it is his choice, but i would definitely have a gentle conversation.

I think it sounds lovely, I would be happy if any DGC did this with my ring after I’ve gone. Reusing the diamonds is combining family history with the new history the happy couple will create together.

I bet Kate Middleton would’ve had that gopping engagement ring repurposed like a shot if she’d had any choice in the matter. 😂

I was just thinking the same.

You can feel sad if you want but probably better to move on. It's just a ring in the end. The memories and relationships aren't changing, just the object.

If you can shift your mindset to see the repurposing in a positive light, you will be happier and everyone will be chuffed

And what if there isn’t any female family? I’ve got two sons.

I hate the "eldest" getting everything. Why are things always passed to the eldest and no others in the lineage?

What if they also don’t want the rings or will just sit dusty in a draw till eventually one day a home clearance company takes them.

There is no jewellery in my family I wish to inherit.

I think it’s one of these cases neither of you are unreasonable really. I understand you wanting the ring to be kept
as is but equally I understand him wanting to repurpose it into something that will be reused

I think it’s lovely what he’s doing

@Cathrube Unless it’s a name manufacturer it’s probably not very valuable and was a high street purchase. I’d not advocate altering a signed ring or decent jewellery that’s Art Deco or Edwardian but a 60s cluster of smaller diamonds is probably not fashionable - halo rings are. That’s why she wants it changed. (Meghan changed the ring Harry gave her!). Can he just not buy the sapphire ring? Although lots of people do reuse gems and incorporate memories that way.

What’s your relationship like with your future DIL?

I think you need to gently let him know that some might not like the destruction of an heirloom piece, and that might include his hopefully-fiance-to-be. As it sounds like she's unaware of his plans. She might be horrified. I would have been.

Is he using it because he feels he has to? Perhaps you could as someone else has suggested, get the ring valued and buy it off him if it holds no sentimental value for him? That way he could put the money to a ring of his choosing,
Personally I would rather it was repurposed/redesigned and worn, rather then lie in a drawer never to see the light of day.
My Mum has some very expensive rings, but I think they are hideous as I prefer minimal jewellery/nature inspired themed rather than large showy clusters.
I’ve only got boys and I’ve told her that she would be better asking my brother if he will keep them back for his daughter then leaving any of it to me. If my niece wanted to break apart the clusters into something else her style, then I’d think it was a great idea. Things like that should be worn otherwise there is no point in keeping them.

On the fence. I value family history and heirlooms highly. But is this destroying family history or making it?

Maybe the ring would otherwise just go in a drawer and within a generation be meaningless to anyone.