AIBU to feel sad my son's inherited ring will be redesigned?

[Cathrube]

My son inherited my mum’s engagement ring as the eldest grandson, which felt really special at the time, it’s quite a sentimental piece in our family.
He’s now planning to propose (which is lovely!), but he doesn’t want to use the ring as it is. His girlfriend prefers yellow gold and wants a peach sapphire as the centre stone, so he’s planning to redesign it and use some of the diamonds in a new ring instead.
I completely understand wanting something that suits her style, and I don’t expect her to wear something she doesn’t love. But I can’t help feeling a bit sad at the thought of the original ring being taken apart, especially given its history.
Part of me thinks it might be nicer if he offered the ring intact to his brother or cousins, and then created something new separately. But I also realise it was given to him, so maybe it’s his choice what he does with it.
Am I being unreasonable to feel like this, or is it fair to want the ring to stay whole?

Very well said

In have my grandmother's rings. DIL had a large, I think emerald cut acquamarine resized and reset with a couple of diamonds either side and in white rather than yellow gold. Fab, love it. As did she - they are back in fashion after all.

DD will be offered the diamond, because she's my dd. If she and boyfriend want it remodelled, that's fine.

I think reinventing a family piece is lo ely.

I find it odd that it was left to a grandson to use as an engagement ring which means giving it to someone who presumably didn’t know his grandmother and for whom it wont hold the same sentimental value. And the chances that this woman would share the same taste as your mum are surely slim. It would make more sense for it to be left to a daughter or a granddaughter who would cherish it and think of your mum while wearing it. I really wouldn’t want a family heirloom to be taken apart like that and I’d suggest he chooses a new ring for her which is to her taste and keeps the original in tact, perhaps to be handed down to any future daughter.

Why don’t you just tell him you don’t want him to alter it due to sentimental value/reasons and see what he says. Offer to contribute to his GF ring and take your mums for yourself.

And what would you do seeing as is it is legally his? Oceans Eleven?

I suppose from my mums perspective, I am the only female in the family, and she probably felt I’d have no interest in an engagement ring, as I’m already married!
She had 4 grandsons, DS is the eldest of them, so she chose him.
I would prefer he left the ring intact and had a new ring made just for his girlfriend though.

I had my mums engagement ring remodelled and Its brought me so much joy - every time I look at it I think of her but its now in a style I love and hasn't been off my finger since day one

Yeah i'd ask him to keep the ring intact and wait for a female to be born.

Thing is (and sorry to be a misery) but if they split up she'll take the ring (as she should) and it won't be in the family at all any more ...

As he inherited it, I think it's his to do what he wanted with, but it would be nice if he'd seen whether any the other grandsons would like to use it as is.

We were at a wedding once where the groom said in his speech that his grandmother has given her husband's ring to him, and he'd melted it down to make the ring he wanted. He presented it as terribly romantic, but I saw the grandmother's face and she clearly was very upset, but felt she couldn't say anything. There were three other brothers that were not married, and at least two male cousins who might have wanted it as it was, two were currently engaged. And no, they hadn't been offered it, as I heard them talking about it.

I always felt he was very grasping, and that sealed my view of him.

Sorry if I misunderstood.
🌺🌺.

Leave him to it, please. He is using the ring. Just in a form that his future wife, your future DIL, will love. That should be commended, not mourned.

Do you want to wear the ring yourself? if so offer to buy diamonds that he needs in exchange for the ring.
In the future - if you buy the ring - When you die - who will you leave it to?
I think you need to understand your feelings here.
Your son / new daughter in law want some parts but not all of the ring. I personally would be happy with that.

You usually sell this to the jeweller to offset the cost of the redesign.

He can do what he wants with it, but I think bit would be nice to keep it up for the next female born in the family

Have you specifically said to your son that you are a bit upset at the ring being deconstructed ?

If I was the gf I wouldn't want this. I wanted a ring for me not something that carries sentimentality for someone else. I would let them off the hook and say you'll keep it for a grandchild and if you can give them a bit of cash towards a new one she can choose.

I inherited my granny’s engagement ring. It sat in my jewelry box for a decade never being worn because although beautiful it was clearly an engagement ring of its time.

I asked my Dad (her son) if he’d mind if I had it remade into something new. He said that was fine so I thought long and hard and had a ring designed based on her favourite tree on our family farm. I now adore it and wear it regularly and think of her often.

I think the key is I asked my Dad and he said he didn’t mind. I do think have a chat with your son about your feelings - he might be feeling obliged.

if my future daughter in law didn’t like the ring, I would be saying to my son buy her the ring that she will love. Personally, I think it’s weird sons proposing with late Grannies jewellery, if there isn’t a prenup the daughter will always keep it just because she can, and knowing that it pisses everyone off. I do have a couple of bits of jewellery from my mother and my mother in law us still alive, I’ve told her to leave it to the granddaughters

I inherited my mums engagement and eternity rings. My sister and I had to sort the jewellery between us. They were not my style at all but meant a lot. However I used the stones from both to make my wedding and engagement ring plus added another stone to the mix so my husband had added something to it to make it ours.
We also made 2 pairs of earings for me and my sister with the stones (there were quite a few small stones!)
I get loads of compliments on it and also when I tell people the story they love it. My husband never met my mum, but it links them as well for me.
As others have said in my mind it would be sadder for it to live in a drawer and never be used again.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all, I would feel the same way too. But as I get older, I realize I can't be upset/sad about things like this. It's not hurting anyone and he still values the ring in his way but also wants to make his future fiancee happy. It doesn't affect me in anyway, and it would be a reminder to appreciate that he's a kind and thoughtful young man. But I'm old and realize that most of the things i got upset/sad about in life wasn't worth it.

Have you told him that?

It was an odd choice by your mother OP.

Why not to ask your DS? to explain how you feel about it? and maybe offer some contribution, kind of "buy out" the ring? In a gentle way.
You say he's not sentimental, he might just see it as material for the new ring, not sentimental value. He may or may not agree.

Also, depends on your relationship with DIL, you might share your feelings with her, women are usually sensitive to such things.

If they ever get divorced, good luck getting it back, it will be out the family forever. Personally I would have given it to a female relative, a niece maybe … or saved it for a Granddaughter

I appreciate how you feel. I think it's totally normal to mourn the change.

However...I was trying to imagine myself in the same situation and I imagined my DIL proudly showing off her beautiful engagement ring, that she really, really loves and her telling everyone " it's made with the diamonds from DHs grandma's ring" and that's kind of a cosy feeling.

If you really want it you could as if you could pay for the ring his girlfriend actually wants, but he may be more sentimental than you think and using the diamonds may be important to him.
If he insists on redesigning it make sure you get a good photo of it first.