AIBU to feel hurt about being excluded from my sister's dinner?

[RiverCrossing]

I have name changed for this just in case, but essentially I need to know if I am being the unreasonable one here - completely happy to take the feedback if so! Basically my sister has been weird for a few months, sort of distancing herself from me and my DH. Prior to this we had always been very close and I’m honestly having a hard time pinpointing why things might have changed - even with a lot of self reflection. I found out on Sunday by accident that she is hosting a birthday dinner for her husband and has not invited us - my brother and parents are invited, and previously we would have been going to something like this as well.

I was obviously surprised by this and it affirms my suspicion that something is wrong. I figure she’ll tell me in her own time and clearly she can invite who she wants into her home, it’s the keeping it secret part (definitely was) that has made me wonder about things. I found out because of a message that was sent to me by accident, I didn’t make it a big deal I don’t think and just replied saying have a lovely time and that was that. However since then she has absolutely 100% ghosted me and I am at a loss. I don’t want to bring my elderly parents into things by asking them, I messaged her a few times - benign, no more than usual - but they are just going unread and she has cancelled a planned lunch on Friday (been in the diary for a few weeks) with no explanation.

Is she awkward because I found out? Is she trying to phase me out of her life? Should I say something or just leave it, maybe I’m making a big deal? It’s honestly such a weird atmosphere and I don’t know what to do from here.

YABU - not a big deal, leave it to figure itself out, she’s probably fine and just having a weird moment

YANBU - ask her what’s going on, it’s weird!

I should add you can ask your brother on a separate occasion to your parents - don’t ask in a group ask one by one as I think they may be more likely to speak.

I’d have to ask my parents as this would be very upsetting.

Wow. That's just unbelievable --so sorry. I hope your treatment is successful and not too harrowing. Best wishes!

This.

Don't play a game of who blinks first. That's childish and can result in families not speaking for 30 years for the silliest of reasons.

Who knows? All we can do onMN is speculate, until DSis replies.

Do you invite her to yours? In 25 years, my SIL has hosted us twice, yet has been hosted at ours countless times. DH says that if we don’t invite them, we will never get together and it isn’t worth cutting ties, and that we can’t exclude her when we have the whole family over. I support him, but the rub is that SIL acts like the lady of the manor and her DH is annoying AF. I may snap one day too.

As I say, all we internet filk can do is speculate. Good luck, OP.

Your message could perhaps have focussed mainly on how you are feeling rather than on what you think she has done.

In itself, not being invited to a birthday is nothing really.
Well, not worth a huge fight and destroying a chance of making up.

You and your DH could give her husband a night out soon as a birthday gift.
Before that, you should call around a talk to your sister at her place and to extend the invitation. Be pleased to hear that he had a nice 'party' with a few friends.

Your message was good and if she just leaves you on read then it’s either something so serious that it should be obvious what you’ve done to upset her or she is just manipulative (my guess is the latter). In this case I would now leave it. You’ve made it clear that you’d like to talk, there’s no ill will on your part and you can ghost her back with no regrets!

My sister used to do this to me every couple of years and then apologise and just say she was going through a rough time. Now is also one of those times. I don’t give her headspace anymore.

I no longer speak to her. She's spiteful and petty. Used my older kids in her nasty little games so I told her to stay away from us all

Do nothing until after the event and then ask your parents if they know why you weren't invited.

Take it from there.

Hi OP did you hear back from your sister? I hope things are okay x

Just realised you had already messaged her.

Be prepared for a shitty time @RiverCrossing My DH's sister just dropped us for no obvious reason and he cried every day for a year. They used to talk on the phone every day and I thought she was a lovely person.

To this day we have no clue why she did it. This was in 2016.

I would message her and say you have noticed a frost - you have no idea why but you are ready to talk. If she raises it with you (which doesn't look likely tbh as she has been quite off for a close sibling relationship) then I would assess what she says and apologise if necessary or not, depending on what it is. If she refuses to discuss it, then a simple text saying that if she wants to discuss it, you would welcome that - you value the relationship but you'll leave it with her. Then tell yourself that you're putting this down and maybe do something that symbolises putting it down to your unconscious mind (e.g. writing a letter to her which you don't send and then burning it). These sorts of things are hard in families - I feel for you but you will feel better for saying something because you will have taken some initiative, waiting around for someone to explain themselves to you can make you feel a bit helpless.

Whatever happened, she is being very immature about it all, so I would just let her fester in her own juices. Is she normally very sensitive or self-important?
She is sulking, you reached out a few times and she is not taking the bait, I would just leave it now.

Did you hear back from her OP?

Sounds like a really good text - well done! Hopefully she'll respond but I wouldn't count on it. If no response, you can start the letting go as best you can. Things change so don't close any doors but leave them wide open either.

Are there no other family members that have asked why and could tell you. On the face of it it sounds weird!

Hi, no, there's nobody.

We had left our entire estates to her and her two sons. We've changed that now obviously as she just ghosted us.

Over the years DH has become more pragmatic and can now see that if she would do that, she's not worth having in his life but at the time it was a terrible blow.

OP sending you support hope everything got sorted for you ☺️

Let them, let her have the dinner, let her not invite you. But also, yes you do need to find out why. It's clear that she's not open to communicating with you so you're going to have to ask your other family members.

I know what you mean, but I don’t think energy is ever wasted when it helps you feel you’ve done all YOU can do. Now the ball is in sisters court.

if she chooses to do nothing, at least @RiverCrossing knows she tried, she’s acknowledging there is a potential issues, saying she is open to discussing it and that so far no bridges are burnt. Sure if sister does nothing at all in response, it’s going to hurt a lot, but we can’t make others do what we want/need them to do.

there WILL be face to face opportunities at some point, and then @RiverCrossing can address it directly and make sister squirm into the bargain

I know people often mock viral themes/fads, but LET THEM or Drop the Rope, really ARE so freeing.

100% agree with your post 😊

No more updates from the OP?

Any idea yet what her problem is @RiverCrossing

Probably a wind up thread.

She said she would update if she heard anything back from her sister. She probably hasn’t so has nothing to add.