AIBU to feel hurt about being excluded from my sister's dinner?

[RiverCrossing]

I have name changed for this just in case, but essentially I need to know if I am being the unreasonable one here - completely happy to take the feedback if so! Basically my sister has been weird for a few months, sort of distancing herself from me and my DH. Prior to this we had always been very close and I’m honestly having a hard time pinpointing why things might have changed - even with a lot of self reflection. I found out on Sunday by accident that she is hosting a birthday dinner for her husband and has not invited us - my brother and parents are invited, and previously we would have been going to something like this as well.

I was obviously surprised by this and it affirms my suspicion that something is wrong. I figure she’ll tell me in her own time and clearly she can invite who she wants into her home, it’s the keeping it secret part (definitely was) that has made me wonder about things. I found out because of a message that was sent to me by accident, I didn’t make it a big deal I don’t think and just replied saying have a lovely time and that was that. However since then she has absolutely 100% ghosted me and I am at a loss. I don’t want to bring my elderly parents into things by asking them, I messaged her a few times - benign, no more than usual - but they are just going unread and she has cancelled a planned lunch on Friday (been in the diary for a few weeks) with no explanation.

Is she awkward because I found out? Is she trying to phase me out of her life? Should I say something or just leave it, maybe I’m making a big deal? It’s honestly such a weird atmosphere and I don’t know what to do from here.

YABU - not a big deal, leave it to figure itself out, she’s probably fine and just having a weird moment

YANBU - ask her what’s going on, it’s weird!

I had this with an extra close member of my family. We’ve been besties for our whole lives. One day she just started ghosting me. I wasn’t going to let that happen so I carried on as normal and it never recovered. I’m cutting an extremely long story very short. I did ask her after various tactics (giving space, being upbeat, carrying on as normal) but she just totally turned on me and I never got an answer. We’re five ish years on now and still not recovered. I actually don’t want to now, I’ve learnt to live without her, as much as it’s broken my heart. An opportunity has come up only in the last couple of weeks actually where I managed to tell her that I missed her and I didn’t understand what happened and I still never got an answer. It’s not ever going to come. I’m never going to get that answer .

but this is your sister. I’m talking about a woman who was like my sister in cousin form. But your sister? You definitely need to have it out with her. You need to go round and ask her. My cousin and I have only met at one family function and yes it was awkward and we politely bumbled through it, ultimately we don’t need to see each other. You and your sister have many many occasions to go through together, this dinner is just the start of things you’ve been left out of. You absolutely have to speak to her about it.

From the OP:

my sister has been weird for a few months, sort of distancing herself from me and my DH.

and Prior to this we had always been very close

So you've always been close, you have no idea why she is distancing herself but in a "few months" you've not been worried about it and it hasn't occurred to you to have a conversation about it?

You are either not that close, or you know full well what the issue is.

I guarantee there is more to this and you probably do jnow why you are just choosing to be obtuse about it.

My sister claims to have jo idea why I dont speak to her. She will tell anyone who listens that I refuse to allow her to have a relationship with my dd. And I know because she forgets that people talk and several of her friends have older aiblings who are my friends so things gets back to me.

The reality is, she has repeatedly overstepped boundaries and told so many lies. She has encouraged dd to ignore me and was told to keep her opinions to herself or stay out of my life

She made her choice.

I suspect you are more aware of why there are issues but to own it doesn't suit your narrative. Otherwise as someone who was sooo close you would have just asked her.

Well really, if you don’t like the secrecy and silence, I don’t know why you’re going along with it and being all secret and silent yourself, too. This sort of thing never ends with it all just going back to normal as if nothing ever happened. And self-evidently, if your elderly parents don’t know now (unlikely), they will at some point - there are only so many occasions where you are conspicuously absent from events organised by your sister that anyone can be immensely dim about. If your aister is behaving weirdly towards you, then ask her what’s wrong.

Exactly this. Only on MN do people go all around the houses.

You mention elderly parents, and you're now being ghosted and excluded from family meals with her; I imagine this isn't the first one tbh. Is there a potentially large estate in play?

She is clearly upset about something but you are making it worse by ignoring whatever it is and acting normal. In her shoes i would take this - eg you saying have a lovely time at the birthday that you won't be at - as you accepting the relationship is over. Just address it - she needs you to care enough to find out what is wrong. Why have you not spoken to her about what is wrong between you?

I couldn’t tell if the dinner had happened yet but it may become apparent after this eg if your parents/brother were assuming you’d be there, they will likely ask why you are not, and you may possibly get more information

There definitely seems to be something wrong, if you can't remember a falling out could it be something between your husband her husband? The bottom line is, you need to ask her directly.

YANBU but I'd also be tempted to just text her and ask about the reasons. She clearly has some!

@Rainbowdottie We have had to deal with my sisters distancing themselves from me and my family. It’s actually a relief to stop trying to include them. They like their separate lives and now I don’t have to drive miles and miles to see them or collect them from the station miles from here.

They are not being invited to DDs wedding because neither congratulated her on her engagement. No idea what dd has done! Just earns more than them probably. Socialism seems to be at the root of this. We are relieved they are not staying in my house prior to the wedding and we don’t have to do anything around them!

I was close to one of them but she’s changed a lot. DH and me tried to build bridges but got a surly attitude back. I now don’t know where one of them lives and it no longer matters. I didn’t do anything and certainly my DDs didn’t. We just don’t have anything in common but I find NC with my DDs odd and it extends to their cousins too. My DDs are friendly and fun. We think cousins have been “brainwashed”. So be it. No great loss.

Doesn't look like the OP is coming back.

Please ignore this matter—she likely has her own reasons. I would suggest remaining sincere with your sister.

Is it though?
because if someone is ignoring me, I'm ignoring them right back, not groveling around them and begging for acknowledgement

Who the fuck operates like this ? Certainly not rational adults !

it requires a conversation

has she been having an affair with your husband ?

Yep, this.

Then you are immature with a strew of unnecessarily damaged relationships behind you

If a friend you've not known for long does this, then yes.

If your sister, who you are close with, and who (presumably) doesn't have a pattern for this sort of behaviour suddenly does it, then I would suggest the first thought would be more along the lines of finding out what was wrong than assuming she was playing silly mind games.

Agree. If you're going to ask, don't message as it's too easy to blank that.

Nope.

If there's something wrong... then say what the fuck it is.
I have no time for 'If you dont know, I'm not telling you'...

I’d ask her directly and maybe also ask if it’s something your DH has done. No matter what.

"If you don't know, I'm not telling you" often means "I've told you lots of times but you haven't listened, so I'm not going to tell you again and you need to work it out for yourself".

People don't just suddenly behave like this for no reason. There will be a reason. If OP values her relationship with her sister, she will want to talk to her. I'm actually sensing she doesn't.

She'll definitely have her reasons. I've gone LC with my sister because she's a manipulative narcissist who lies about absolutely everything. I can't actually tell her that though. She occasionally rings to dump a load of whatever shit she's got going on in her life on me, while simultaneously blaming other people for the fact we're no longer close! And that's exactly why we're not.

I don't think you should worry too much about not bringing your parents into it - obviously don't kick off and ask them to choose sides or anything (I appreciate you don't come across like the type of person who would do that) but at the end of the day either they are already fully aware of it, or would soon have become apparent when they turned up and you weren't there!

Personally I think the above - it seems unlikely if you otherwise chat often they wouldn't have at least mentioned an event they assumed you'd all be attending. In which case I would be quite hurt and would address it with them - firstly asking what's going on and then saying you didn't expect them to say "well we aren't coming if OP isn't invited" but the idea of your whole family sneaking around having secret meetups without you isn't nice.

But yes, just ask your sister! And don't accept "no there's nothing wrong" as an answer as there clearly is.