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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel hurt about being excluded from my sister's dinner?

200 replies

RiverCrossing · 07/04/2026 20:48

I have name changed for this just in case, but essentially I need to know if I am being the unreasonable one here - completely happy to take the feedback if so! Basically my sister has been weird for a few months, sort of distancing herself from me and my DH. Prior to this we had always been very close and I’m honestly having a hard time pinpointing why things might have changed - even with a lot of self reflection. I found out on Sunday by accident that she is hosting a birthday dinner for her husband and has not invited us - my brother and parents are invited, and previously we would have been going to something like this as well.

I was obviously surprised by this and it affirms my suspicion that something is wrong. I figure she’ll tell me in her own time and clearly she can invite who she wants into her home, it’s the keeping it secret part (definitely was) that has made me wonder about things. I found out because of a message that was sent to me by accident, I didn’t make it a big deal I don’t think and just replied saying have a lovely time and that was that. However since then she has absolutely 100% ghosted me and I am at a loss. I don’t want to bring my elderly parents into things by asking them, I messaged her a few times - benign, no more than usual - but they are just going unread and she has cancelled a planned lunch on Friday (been in the diary for a few weeks) with no explanation.

Is she awkward because I found out? Is she trying to phase me out of her life? Should I say something or just leave it, maybe I’m making a big deal? It’s honestly such a weird atmosphere and I don’t know what to do from here.

YABU - not a big deal, leave it to figure itself out, she’s probably fine and just having a weird moment

YANBU - ask her what’s going on, it’s weird!

OP posts:
moonstarsuns · 07/04/2026 22:11

Hmm

Original poster
RiverCrossing · 07/04/2026 22:11

Thank you everyone. I do appreciate the responses - it is helpful to feel validated in being both hurt and wondering what on earth is happening.

To answer some questions - I am as confident as I can be that my husband has no part in this, he is as bewildered as I am. As far as I know there is no discrepancy really - parents treat us the same, we have similar aged families. I think she’s taken umbridge to something somewhere in the last year and it’s festering, I just don’t know what. I am somewhere in between just call her and name it, or to quote a PP - see who blinks first. Going to give it until the weekend and then see how I feel. I’ll come back if there’s any good updates!

OP posts:
Easterbunnyhaspackedherbasket · 07/04/2026 22:14

Who made sure you 'accidentally' got told?

Rainallnight · 07/04/2026 22:15

Do you and she have DC? Could something have happened between them. Or is there a fertility issue?

Trusttheawesome · 07/04/2026 22:19

Just ask her. You’ll have to just go over and chap her door and ask her.

Maddy70 · 07/04/2026 22:48

firstofallimadelight · 07/04/2026 21:10

I’d message and say “clearly something is wrong, feel free to message me when you are ready to talk about it “
then carry on with your life

I would do this. But also ask your brother it could be that you have upset her husband , or your husband has upset one of them

Lactoorsupp · 08/04/2026 07:15

What is odd is that all the other members of your family appear to have been on board with keeping this on the quiet from you, and celebrating without you.

If I was the mother in this equation, with my two daughters who’d always been very close, and then suddenly one was sidelining the other - I would find out what the heck was going on.

If it was nothing but the daughter taking offence over something silly that I knew could be resolved easily - I’d bring the two together and get it out in the open to resolve.

If it was justified, then no frickin way would I partake in keeping a family get together from my other daughter. Instead - I would try to bring the daughters together but if it was too serious for that to happen, then I’d be honest with the sidelined daughter to explain what the issue is.

Something serious has occurred that your family are on board with you being sidelined. It’s not going to get better without you dropping your sis and calm message to say “I sense something is up, how about we get together for a coffee and chat?”

pouletvous · 08/04/2026 07:36

ypu deserve an explanation. If you really don’t know why she doesn’t want you in her life you must ask!

DiscoCherries · 08/04/2026 07:40

Is there anything, absolutely anything you can think of that’s happened?
My sister stopped speaking to me for weeks last year, in the middle of my cancer treatment too. I couldn’t understand it at all. Turns out she was furious about something totally innocuous I’d said to her about parking 🤪 I chatted to my Dad about it though. I just asked him ‘WTF is her problem’ essentially ha. He ended up being the middle man but it got sorted! You’re not going to know unless you ask someone here, and I’d be too nosy not to!

Jaipurrrr · 08/04/2026 08:04

Easterbunnyhaspackedherbasket · 07/04/2026 22:14

Who made sure you 'accidentally' got told?

This is key.

Jaipurrrr · 08/04/2026 08:09

I’m not into games and blinking competitions. It’s fine if someone is offended and wants some space.

Its not fine to not talk to you, exclude you and then make everyone else complicit in keeping stuff from you.

There are children / cousins in the mix who will be hurt by this.

It’s not a text situation. It’s face to face - and the question from you should be:

”What’s going on and how can we resolve this?”

Don’t focus on the party - that’s irrelevant - it’s bigger than that.

Buffalogruffalo · 08/04/2026 08:22

I think ask her. You’ve don’t nothing wrong, why leave yourself half wondering and half paranoid until the weekend?

HelpMeGetThrough · 08/04/2026 08:22

My brother has gone weird with me, not responded to some messages I’ve sent him and barely talked to me the last time I saw him at my parents.

My view on it is, fuck him, if he wants to be a dick, I’ll leave him to it, zero fucks given.

liamharha · 08/04/2026 08:22

RiverCrossing · 07/04/2026 20:48

I have name changed for this just in case, but essentially I need to know if I am being the unreasonable one here - completely happy to take the feedback if so! Basically my sister has been weird for a few months, sort of distancing herself from me and my DH. Prior to this we had always been very close and I’m honestly having a hard time pinpointing why things might have changed - even with a lot of self reflection. I found out on Sunday by accident that she is hosting a birthday dinner for her husband and has not invited us - my brother and parents are invited, and previously we would have been going to something like this as well.

I was obviously surprised by this and it affirms my suspicion that something is wrong. I figure she’ll tell me in her own time and clearly she can invite who she wants into her home, it’s the keeping it secret part (definitely was) that has made me wonder about things. I found out because of a message that was sent to me by accident, I didn’t make it a big deal I don’t think and just replied saying have a lovely time and that was that. However since then she has absolutely 100% ghosted me and I am at a loss. I don’t want to bring my elderly parents into things by asking them, I messaged her a few times - benign, no more than usual - but they are just going unread and she has cancelled a planned lunch on Friday (been in the diary for a few weeks) with no explanation.

Is she awkward because I found out? Is she trying to phase me out of her life? Should I say something or just leave it, maybe I’m making a big deal? It’s honestly such a weird atmosphere and I don’t know what to do from here.

YABU - not a big deal, leave it to figure itself out, she’s probably fine and just having a weird moment

YANBU - ask her what’s going on, it’s weird!

Just fucking ask

unkownone · 08/04/2026 08:48

Hubbys Aunty did something very similar. Only found out that she’s blocked him on phone and unfriended him on social media. I came straight out and just asked what the problem was as we’d been so close before, and told every thing was fine. She now will message if she wants something but I’m too old to deal with shitty behaviour. If there’s something wrong just say it so we can address it and hopefully move on.

deeahgwitch · 08/04/2026 08:53

CheddarCheeseAndCrispSandwich · 07/04/2026 21:46

I may be being cynical here, but my first thought was that your husband may have made a pass at her?

I have been on the receiving end of this kind of thing, when a friend’s husband made a drunken attempt at groping and kissing me…it was horrible, and I couldn’t be anywhere near him afterwards. So this may have influenced my take on your situation OP! Hopefully I’m WAY off the mark here 👌🏻

I thought that too.
Or perhaps she realised she was very attracted to him and it was reciprocated
and could lead somewhere but she decided she wasn’t going there.
Or it could be her husband has feelings for you and she doesn’t want to tempt fate.
But these reasons may be way off the mark

Scruffysquirrels · 08/04/2026 08:54

I don't understand these kinds of situations and I certainly don't get all the responses about leaving her to stew.

Don't you just tell her it seems like she's upset about something, you don't know what it is, how can we fix it?

Lifestooshort71 · 08/04/2026 09:04

You've been more patient than I would have been. I wouldn't message with all that mealy-mouthed 'I'm here when you want to talk' stuff as she'll ignore it and you'll have nowhere else to go. Give her until the weekend and then go and knock and see her (I'd put my foot in the door if necessary). "I want to know what's going on and why I'm getting the silent treatment, I'd like to talk it out and then I'll go away and leave you in peace". You need to sort it and then get your head round it - be prepared not to like the answer but stay calm. Good luck.

MeetMeOnTheCorner · 08/04/2026 09:13

This happened to me. My 2 sisters are very close and I’m on the outside. I was close to my youngest sister but no more. DH and me have an idea why - we asked for help when DM was ill and struggling at home. She didn’t visit and withdrew from DMs life and ours. We didn’t have the energy to deal with it and felt we had asked after decades of not asking! I have to say it was a shock though. She’s an occupational therapist and we cannot believe that someone in a caring job could be so uncaring and selfish. Our dc are not in contact either. My dd recently got engaged and she heard nothing from any of them. No idea what dd has done!

If @RiverCrossing you don’t know why, you can ask. Ask your parents as they presumably know you are not invited. What about your brother? They might cover up the reason though. Think about anything you might have said or done which might have caused a rift. I asked for help but I was treated as if it was my sole responsibility to look after DM. Have you asked for a “favour” she didn’t like? What about your dc? Anything to do with them? Offer the meeting for coffee and see where you get. People are surprising about what annoys them. In our case, the costs of the wedding are a bit less!

Lactoorsupp · 08/04/2026 09:36

DiscoCherries · 08/04/2026 07:40

Is there anything, absolutely anything you can think of that’s happened?
My sister stopped speaking to me for weeks last year, in the middle of my cancer treatment too. I couldn’t understand it at all. Turns out she was furious about something totally innocuous I’d said to her about parking 🤪 I chatted to my Dad about it though. I just asked him ‘WTF is her problem’ essentially ha. He ended up being the middle man but it got sorted! You’re not going to know unless you ask someone here, and I’d be too nosy not to!

What a petty nasty woman - her sister going through cancer treatment fgs

Lactoorsupp · 08/04/2026 09:37

Scruffysquirrels · 08/04/2026 08:54

I don't understand these kinds of situations and I certainly don't get all the responses about leaving her to stew.

Don't you just tell her it seems like she's upset about something, you don't know what it is, how can we fix it?

Me neither understand.

Decades of supposedly being very close
And a completely inability to be open with one another

Catcatcatcatcat · 08/04/2026 09:39

Someone must know! Call her, don’t message.

Middleagedspreadisreal · 08/04/2026 19:07

Just ask her

Pessismistic · 08/04/2026 19:13

Op you have to just ask her no one can tell you or ask your dp if she’s mentioned anything to them .
op there was a post on here a while ago the op dh mentioned that he would like to have an open relationship and his choice was the op sister could this be you?

Hotterthebetter · 08/04/2026 19:21

somanychristmaslights · 07/04/2026 21:02

For goodness sake, she’s your sister!! Just message her and ask what the hell is going on.

This! Can’t imagine either of my sisters doing this but if they did, I’d be straight in the phone asking what the feck was going on.