AIBU to feel hurt about being excluded from my sister's dinner?

[RiverCrossing]

I have name changed for this just in case, but essentially I need to know if I am being the unreasonable one here - completely happy to take the feedback if so! Basically my sister has been weird for a few months, sort of distancing herself from me and my DH. Prior to this we had always been very close and I’m honestly having a hard time pinpointing why things might have changed - even with a lot of self reflection. I found out on Sunday by accident that she is hosting a birthday dinner for her husband and has not invited us - my brother and parents are invited, and previously we would have been going to something like this as well.

I was obviously surprised by this and it affirms my suspicion that something is wrong. I figure she’ll tell me in her own time and clearly she can invite who she wants into her home, it’s the keeping it secret part (definitely was) that has made me wonder about things. I found out because of a message that was sent to me by accident, I didn’t make it a big deal I don’t think and just replied saying have a lovely time and that was that. However since then she has absolutely 100% ghosted me and I am at a loss. I don’t want to bring my elderly parents into things by asking them, I messaged her a few times - benign, no more than usual - but they are just going unread and she has cancelled a planned lunch on Friday (been in the diary for a few weeks) with no explanation.

Is she awkward because I found out? Is she trying to phase me out of her life? Should I say something or just leave it, maybe I’m making a big deal? It’s honestly such a weird atmosphere and I don’t know what to do from here.

YABU - not a big deal, leave it to figure itself out, she’s probably fine and just having a weird moment

YANBU - ask her what’s going on, it’s weird!

@IDontHateRainbows She didn’t think of it. Another poster suggested it. Personally I think it’s a bit cringe. Wordy American tv narrative. Hoping to read an update though.

Hoping you’ll get an answer @RiverCrossing

I’m so sad for you. It’s hard when you don’t know the reason. X

Your message was spot on. That will spin her out.

Well done for doing it - mainly for yourself and your own self esteem rather than for the likelihood of her looking to repair. It’s very satisfying to be calm and considered and throw sunlight on her nonsense without giving her the raging emotion she wants.

Keep up that detached approach but don’t chase her ever. If she does agree to talk it thru - insist it’s is face to face for a dialogue not allowing her to dump a monologue on text. If she sends an explanation don’t response - just reiterate your request to meet face to face - and when you do ask her “how can we resolve this?” - that will tell you all you need to know - because some people don’t want resolution they want conflict and if it becomes clear she just wants a bun fight - don’t get drawn in to meet her needs. Calmly ‘drop the rope’ in her game and leave.

She has behaved appallingly and hurt you in the process - you have given her an opportunity to right it - if she abuses this then it’s up to you to take responsibility for emotionally protecting yourself from further hurt by taking yourself out of punching distance and putting in distance.

Well done OP, that's a good message.

Could it be - and I'm not suggesting it is as I don't know you - some specific personality trait that just irks her bad she feels she can't deal with any more, rather than a specific "thing"?

For example, one of my sisters is just a very negative and angry person and I have decided after spending time with her and her kids over the Easter Holidays that sadly, I'm going to take a big step back and spend a lot less time with her simply because she is snappy and angry and constantly complaining and very judgy and I just don't enjoy spending time with her because of it.

Another of my (many!) sisters is lovely and kind and caring but just very intense as a person so I can't only spend a certain amount of time with her before I get a headache. She knows this though, bless her.

Is there something about you or DH that she maybe just can't deal with right now? Are you pregnant while she is struggling with TTC? Doing well financially and mentioning it a lot while she is having difficulties?

Just some ideas!

@Jaipurrrr What does “spin her out” mean? Why can we not use plain English?

Why can’t you use basic sentence construction?

Good message.
Now leave it.
You cannot force someone to value your relationship.

You need to leave her completely alone until she reaches out to you, if she does.

Chasing people never works.

@Jaipurrrr That is normal sentence construction. Shorter sentences make a point clearly. Not remotely unclear! Or jargon.

“Wordy American TV drama” is not a sentence.

I agree with this!

She’s behaving poorly. If she has a problem she should name it

Sorry that you have someone as immature as this in your life. You would think she would just address the issue. Surely your parents and brother will ask at meal where you are!

Great message OP. I hope she responds to your honesty with honesty

Could it be your political views? Do you post "I love Farage" memes?

This.

@Jaipurrrr Did you know that not all descriptive writing has to be a sentence! It’s a headline style which grabs attention. It grabbed yours didn’t it. It’s a journalistic style used to punch home a sentiment. You knew what I meant. It’s clear and concise.

But it’s in the middle of a sentence….so it isn’t a headline!

God. This is boring!

English lesson attached. From the BCC. Somewhat more important - have you heard anything @RiverCrossing?

Could it be to do with your children? How do they get along with her kids?

Could you call her husband and ask him if there’s anything you can do?

It's your Sister & you say you're usually close so just ask her outright what the issue is. Explain you're upset that she's ghosting you & ask why. Go from there in mending the relationship if that's what you both want.

My older sister used to not invite me and my kids to stuff but then I'd find out when my other sister would message and ask why I hadn't been to my nephew's birthday celebrations. I'd tell my other sister well I didn't know and we weren't invited. Yet my older sister would turn up and invite herself around for my kids birthdays. Have you fell out or anything at some point?

How did things pan out for you all?

That’s so hurtful, I’m sorry that’s happened to you.

OP when something like this happens I think it’s that this person has taken offence to something so much that they don’t think you even deserve an explanation.

People seem faster and faster to cut people off without first actually explaining the problem. Ok if it’s a random first date or something like that, but for a close family member or long time friend this is very very hurtful.

I think as your sister will not engage, you should ask you brother and your parents. I don’t think it’s dragging them into anything, I think it’s completely reasonable and expected to ask once, directly and without taking around it. They are your family, you should be able to ask them.

Don’t ask in a text or by phone or by any other means other than in person. When will you next see them in person?

Ask them then and see what they say.
It sounds like you aren’t going to see your sister in person to be able to do the same thing.