AIBU to feel hurt about being excluded from my sister's dinner?

[RiverCrossing]

I have name changed for this just in case, but essentially I need to know if I am being the unreasonable one here - completely happy to take the feedback if so! Basically my sister has been weird for a few months, sort of distancing herself from me and my DH. Prior to this we had always been very close and I’m honestly having a hard time pinpointing why things might have changed - even with a lot of self reflection. I found out on Sunday by accident that she is hosting a birthday dinner for her husband and has not invited us - my brother and parents are invited, and previously we would have been going to something like this as well.

I was obviously surprised by this and it affirms my suspicion that something is wrong. I figure she’ll tell me in her own time and clearly she can invite who she wants into her home, it’s the keeping it secret part (definitely was) that has made me wonder about things. I found out because of a message that was sent to me by accident, I didn’t make it a big deal I don’t think and just replied saying have a lovely time and that was that. However since then she has absolutely 100% ghosted me and I am at a loss. I don’t want to bring my elderly parents into things by asking them, I messaged her a few times - benign, no more than usual - but they are just going unread and she has cancelled a planned lunch on Friday (been in the diary for a few weeks) with no explanation.

Is she awkward because I found out? Is she trying to phase me out of her life? Should I say something or just leave it, maybe I’m making a big deal? It’s honestly such a weird atmosphere and I don’t know what to do from here.

YABU - not a big deal, leave it to figure itself out, she’s probably fine and just having a weird moment

YANBU - ask her what’s going on, it’s weird!

@Hotterthebetter You can ask but there’s the one word answer and no engagement. They just don’t want to communicate - that’s why they have flounced off!

You are not being unreasonable but I answered you are because I absolutely would not reach out and ask her “what’s wrong”. You know what’s wrong. She excluded you and wanted everyone else to keep the secret too. That’s pretty shitty behaviour - she knows that and that’s why she can’t face you, but it is very much for her to come to you.

I suppose.
I have keys to both my sisters houses so would just park myself in their living rooms until they talked to me though. 🤣🤣

Tbh your nonchalant, this will work itself out might not help. Id text something like:

Hi sister, I feel like recently youve been pulling away and honestly its upset me especially the party with DPs and DB. I dont want to force you into speaking to me so ive kinda hoped youll just talk when youre ready. But you havent and im worried this will go on indefinitely. Id like to say sorry if ive done something I havent realised but id love a coffee and chat to sort this. OP x

People are strange OP.
My DSis stopped talking to me because I revealed a movie's ending.
We were talking about the movie, at no point did she say she'd only seen part of it and was going to watch the rest another time.
Proper humongous sulk from a 50 year old woman.

Ask your mum or brother.

I could never send that @Laura95167. It’s a bit cringe! I’d ask relatives first - assuming they knew op wasn’t invited!

I was going to comment on this post earlier - basically to suggest that it was exactly because PP was going through cancer treatment that her sister had a hissy fit and flounced - it would be intolerable to her that her sister was getting more ‘attention’ and ‘concern’.

I am currently going through treatment for cancer and one sister sent me a text the night before my surgery to as “Have you actually got cancer yet?” and then sent a card prior to my radiotherapy that said “I am sorry that you are so emotional over your health - that must be very hard for your family” - basically still suggesting I was making it up…..!

Well done. The best approach is face to face / verbal - and to be direct.

”Do you have a problem with me - and how can we resolve it”

Thats the killer line that smokes out their passive aggressive, flouncing, sneering behaviours. It will expose them if they don’t plan to resolve it. Sunlight is the best disinfectant.

I just wouldnt pull other people into it.

Im not saying it has to be that wording but if id thought for a while she was distant and giving space had made it worse. Id ask.

Especially as, a. The family know (because they were invited to the meal and have avoided mentioning it) and havent come to you b. Even if the family tell you, you still have to send something to the sister to fix it

And if my issue was my sister was upset, Im cool about being or looking cringe in order to try and fix it.

Perhaps ask them

@Laura95167 Why not ask others first? They are family and we are assuming they know op isn’t invited? Did they? Not everyone chats about this. I assume the op found out somehow though - so someone talked. Ask them. They might not know but I’d be amazed if op really has no idea. There’s obviously some reason. Even if Dsis doesn’t like ops kids! Did op omit dsis from something? Most people have some idea about why.

OP says in her OP she found out because of a message sent to her by mistake.

I dont understand why you would ask others first. Its more speculation when you could ask directly

Shes confirmed her sister didnt invite her to her BILs birthday, shes confirmed her sister has canceled their next meet up.

I dont know whats in OPs mind as to whether she has an inclinling or not. But the easiest way to confirm is to ask her sister.

The issue is with the sister, so while other family members might know. The sister does know. So I would just go straight to her and ask whats wrong, and how do we fix it.

’who blinks first’ is petty, childish and dropping down to her level.

The mature and sensible approach is to acknowledge and face what you are experiencing and ask her what’s wrong.

You could argue that giving her a reaction is exactly the power trip she's after.

@Laura95167 Because they might have picked something up the op is oblivious too.

I tend to avoid direct confrontation. When I did confront an issue with my siblings, one has gone NC. Not missed and I’ve moved on, but I know why I had to say something but didn’t expect the outcome. As a family (DH and DC) we agreed that I should explain my concerns about them not visiting DM, but it was met with a surly silence which has continued.

As I said earlier, op can approach her sister but don’t expect anything back. My crime was to ask for help and involvement with our 99 year old mother after 40 years of assisting DM with no useful input from my siblings at all! As a family we are better off going forward without them and they won’t be invited to my DDs wedding - DDs decision. One, and her dc, didn’t come to DMs 100 th birthday. You just have to accept some people are just selfish and appalling.

Im sorry that happened to you, it sounds awful.

And i can appreciate if you dont like conflict my suggestion might not work for you.

But OP is asking for advice and I can only speak for my own expereince and I would just ask. Some people are indeed awful, but previously OP and DSis were close and OP says she doesnt know what happened. I am close to my sibling and my advice from my experience would be, just ask. Then ask what can be done to fix whatever has gone on.

But I accept, I dont mind conflict or confrontation and have always successfully resolved family conflict by asking directly and trying to listen and compromise

Did one of your kids hurt one of hers and in her eyes you failed to deal with it?

@Laura95167 I was close to my Dsis too but she’s other influences in her life and age changes the relationship. Appreciate people do things differently though.

If it was my sister I’d turn up at her house and ask outright “ what is wrong with you or is it me. However my sister knows I would.

What an absolute reach!!!

Has she behaved this way in the past to anyone else or is she a huffy and dramatic person? If yes, then I would leave her to it. If she is a rational, fair and considerate person who is behaving out of character then just knock on her door.

My siblings are all very very LC with me, ( I regard it as NC as it’s 3 years since I saw anyone), I’ve never been told a reason.

in this case what’s going on with the BIL? Is he the problem?

Or you and her husband? 😣

How old are you all? If you have elderly parents then I’m assuming you are around 50? I’d be asking her what’s wrong and telling her to be honest. Clear the air

Put your big girl knickers on, go and see her, and ask her outright WTF is going on. Use your grown up words