AIBU to feel hurt about being excluded from my sister's dinner?

[RiverCrossing]

I have name changed for this just in case, but essentially I need to know if I am being the unreasonable one here - completely happy to take the feedback if so! Basically my sister has been weird for a few months, sort of distancing herself from me and my DH. Prior to this we had always been very close and I’m honestly having a hard time pinpointing why things might have changed - even with a lot of self reflection. I found out on Sunday by accident that she is hosting a birthday dinner for her husband and has not invited us - my brother and parents are invited, and previously we would have been going to something like this as well.

I was obviously surprised by this and it affirms my suspicion that something is wrong. I figure she’ll tell me in her own time and clearly she can invite who she wants into her home, it’s the keeping it secret part (definitely was) that has made me wonder about things. I found out because of a message that was sent to me by accident, I didn’t make it a big deal I don’t think and just replied saying have a lovely time and that was that. However since then she has absolutely 100% ghosted me and I am at a loss. I don’t want to bring my elderly parents into things by asking them, I messaged her a few times - benign, no more than usual - but they are just going unread and she has cancelled a planned lunch on Friday (been in the diary for a few weeks) with no explanation.

Is she awkward because I found out? Is she trying to phase me out of her life? Should I say something or just leave it, maybe I’m making a big deal? It’s honestly such a weird atmosphere and I don’t know what to do from here.

YABU - not a big deal, leave it to figure itself out, she’s probably fine and just having a weird moment

YANBU - ask her what’s going on, it’s weird!

People are often vague as fuck and expect that you should know exactly what the issue is....

Why does everyone think this relationship is worth the confrontation? Who needs this in their lives? You can exist without a sister if she’s an A—- H—-! You choose friends - family comes with a health warning! Ask the dad.

I’m having the same issue with my sister who is famously secretive but I live far enough away that I can let it go and not let it bother me too much.

Well if you bother reading the OPs posts you will see that the sister isn't an asshole. OP specifically said that they previously were very close. So worth asking why she is upset surely

Personally, I strongly suspect that the message wasn't "accidentally" sent to you, as the only person excluded. I think she's trying to point out to you that you've pissed her off. When you responded "have a nice time" she's upped the ghosting to really prove a point.
You need to get to the bottom of it I think, I'd just see if you can get a coffee or wine in with her and just ask what's going on/what's upset her. It's clearly something. Give her a ring or go round and just ask her. It sounds like she wants to tell you, hence sending you the message

I dont think yubu to have recognised such a change in your relationship with your sister and to be confused.
I know you said you dont want to bring your elderly parents into this but unless they are mentally incapacity they are involved as thye will have noticed your exclusion. As will your brother.
Honestly, id ask her directly whats going on . Id say : Things have changed between us and i dont understand why, could you tell me whats going on?
i dont think pretending that everythings fine is going to resolve this though.
It will just get worse and worse and cause more pain.
It must hurt also that your parents and brother arent saying "where is rivercrossing"? when you arent at a family occasion you would previously have been at.

Ask her if something has happened? She may have been told a lie about you. You need to speak to your siblings, brother perhaps he knows.

First of all I’d want to make sure there hadn’t been a breakdown in communication.
Who was the accidental text from? Your sister or someone else who’s going?
Was someone else maybe supposed to invite you? Like your parents? And perhaps they forgot and thought your sister had invited you? Then when you said have a nice time she thought ‘oh I suppose she’s not coming then’ and got annoyed. I can see how something like that might happen.
If the ‘accidental’ text was from her, and it’s not a breakdown in communication or genuine mistake that you weren’t invited, I might be inclined to think it wasn’t an accident at all and she’s looking for a reaction. Does she have form for this sort of attention seeking shit?
You’re sure nothings happened to piss her off? I can’t bear this sort of person who plays games, blows hot and cold and you can never tell what’s pissed them off from one minute to the next. I would be tempted to completely ignore it all and not give this sort of behaviour the oxygen it seeks.
But if you’d rather just sort it out then just talk to her.

@XiCi Might not have been in the past. Is now! People change - I could write a book on it. They are influenced by others, take a political stance and just prefer different company. I’d not provoke it further and I’ve read the thread, thanks.

Im an only child but something similar happened to me, but years ago with my cousin who I was/am close to. I sent him a message along the lines of, “whatever’s up, even if I’ve been a dickhead, I’ve not realised it, remember it’s ME, with all our history, tell me what I’ve done and we can talk and sort it out”. He called me pretty much straight away and we talked it through and sorted it. Could you send a message like this? If you’ve previously been closed but drifted a bit, it might trigger something?

I like that message, really straight but I think it would cut through.

I agree with you.

Never reward the "passive-agressive", "silent, but deadly" treatment with a response. It only encourages more of that kind of shit behaviour.

My sister and her husband used to play the same sort of games with me (she is married to a toxic narcissist). I used to think I had to be the bigger person and go grovelling to them to maintain a relationship, because she's my sister. I would never have put up with her shit if she had been a friend rather than my sister.

So they kept doing it until I decided not to respond to them any more.

We have not had any contact since. I realise now that you don't have to put up with shit just because it comes from family. In fact, most people expect their families to treat them better than non-family, not worse.

It has been five years now and although I sometimes feel sad that it's come to this, I don't miss her. I am relieved to be free from what I once believed was an obligation to keep the relationship going because "she's family".

Absolutely it’s a power trip.

My sister more or less refused to speak when I last saw her and little conversation before that. Just surly and dismissive. Took our money when we paid for lunch though. It’s a relief not to have to make any more effort! No getting my house ready for her family, no driving 30 miles to the station and back to get her tribe, no driving them around when we visited them (after a 3 hour drive!), no taking them around where I live (and paying), no presents to buy, and I no longer need a 7 seater car! No more listening to whinging and jealousy - it’s a sea change from 40 years ago but me, DH, and DDs aren’t missing them. They are all left wing socialists but took a lot from us when it suited them. No more.

Hope is all ok @RiverCrossing x

Ask her. It’s obvious that something has bothered her. Might be that you’ve unwittingly offended her, but could also be that things are going well for you and she’s one of these who can’t be around people doing better than them 🤷🏻‍♀️

Thank you for all the kind and thoughtful replies, and to those of you who recognise how weird and also hurtful this feels. I’m sorry to read so many other people have experienced strange family dynamics, it’s hard isn’t it.

To those of you who suggested I am being ‘obtuse’ or know what the issue is and it doesn’t fit my narrative - respectfully, no. If I knew what the issue was I wouldn’t be canvassing for opinions and suggestions from other people for a start! We absolutely have always been close and there’s been a shift in the last few months - subtle but there but small enough that things were ok, it’s just ramped up lately. I’m not being obtuse - perhaps I have missed something obvious but I am willing to hear it if that’s the case!

Anyway, I messaged her yesterday. Went with a suggestion here - Hi, XX - hope you are ok, I just wanted to check in because I feel like recently you’ve pulled back from me a bit and I wanted to see if everything is ok between us. I feel a bit upset by how strange it feels especially with XY’s dinner being planned to not include us. I’ve not wanted to make it awkward or you feel you have to speak to me so I’ve left it until now hoping you’ll talk when you’re ready, but it doesn’t seem you will and I don’t want this to go on indefinitely. I’d like the opportunity to chat it through if I’ve done something to upset you and haven’t realised - perhaps we can meet for a coffee and a chat this week?

That was last night and she’s left me on read! I’ll come back to this thread if there’s any updates. Fingers crossed!

She hasn’t invited you and is ignoring you because

1. she wants you to feel excluded
2. she wants you to kick off about not being invited so she can use that as an excuse to tell everyone how awful you are and how she is right to be exclude you.

Your message was great. Now ignore her.

Why did you say "it doesn't seem you will"? @RiverCrossing . That would get my back up tbh.

But TBH OP is the one reaching out and the sister should appreciate that.

OP is the only one that may make a “mistake”
with wording, because the sister hasn’t bothered messaging at all.

Agreed!

That's a good message OP. I hope you get an answer from her & you can work things out. Well done for reaching out.

Unfortunately the energy you spent thinking of that and using your fingers to type it out has been completely wasted, although you couldn't have known. She's being a shit and now will feel like she has the upper hand. I'd ignore her now.

I agree!

You’ve done your bit, leave her now and let her come back to you.

I think this is bob on. Good luck OP, but I really don’t think you’re at fault here.