AIBU to feel hurt about being excluded from my sister's dinner?

[RiverCrossing]

I have name changed for this just in case, but essentially I need to know if I am being the unreasonable one here - completely happy to take the feedback if so! Basically my sister has been weird for a few months, sort of distancing herself from me and my DH. Prior to this we had always been very close and I’m honestly having a hard time pinpointing why things might have changed - even with a lot of self reflection. I found out on Sunday by accident that she is hosting a birthday dinner for her husband and has not invited us - my brother and parents are invited, and previously we would have been going to something like this as well.

I was obviously surprised by this and it affirms my suspicion that something is wrong. I figure she’ll tell me in her own time and clearly she can invite who she wants into her home, it’s the keeping it secret part (definitely was) that has made me wonder about things. I found out because of a message that was sent to me by accident, I didn’t make it a big deal I don’t think and just replied saying have a lovely time and that was that. However since then she has absolutely 100% ghosted me and I am at a loss. I don’t want to bring my elderly parents into things by asking them, I messaged her a few times - benign, no more than usual - but they are just going unread and she has cancelled a planned lunch on Friday (been in the diary for a few weeks) with no explanation.

Is she awkward because I found out? Is she trying to phase me out of her life? Should I say something or just leave it, maybe I’m making a big deal? It’s honestly such a weird atmosphere and I don’t know what to do from here.

YABU - not a big deal, leave it to figure itself out, she’s probably fine and just having a weird moment

YANBU - ask her what’s going on, it’s weird!

If it was my younger sister who I get on well with, I’d just call her up and ask her what she was in a mood about. If it was my older sister, I’d ask my mum, who is the source of all gossip. And then depending on whether I thought it was me who was to blame or not, I’d call and apologise. Or send cheese. I’m the middle child of five so I’m usually happy to back down for the sake of diplomacy.

My sister had a whole party and didn’t invite us. My kids were pissed my mum said it was no big deal. I was really hurt. Apparently we weren’t supposed to know but they put it on Facebook

That sounds really hard. We are semi ghosted by my in-laws. If we travel 500 miles to see them they see us but never phone and don’t visit. They like us buying them coffees so we do. No real reason that we can think of other than that my husband is not his sister.

i don’t like this at all and if it were me I would be going round to speak to her face to face and find out what is wrong. Do the rest of your family not find it odd that you are not invited? Or does everyone know something you don’t?

Just ask her wtf is going on and why she's ignoring you because you can't think why so would she care to be an adult and actually tell you .

You say you used to be close yet you darent even ask her what's wrong??

Why can't people communicate?
If I heard about a dinner my sister was hosting I'd simply ask.. why wasn't I invited?

Not rocket science is it

You’ve got to ask outright for self preservation! You’ve discussed this with her husband though? How did that happen?

Did she explain why you weren’t invited?

I to k the sister sent the “accidental” message.

*think

I would ask her. Along the lines of there is obviously an issue and id like the opportunity to understand the reason.

This! I'd be going out of my mind if this were me. This isn't a random acquaintance where politeness or reserve or 'I'll just get on with my life' applies. Ask her straight up what the hell is going on

OP the fact you’re posting on MN shows how bothered you are. Just call her out on it. Why let it fester? Life is too short.

Three options:

1. do nothing and relationship continues to break down
2. call her and find out why. Relationship continues to break down but at least you know why
3. call her find out why and resolve whatever is happening

In those, do nothing has no gains whatsoever. Reach out and get it over and done with.

So if your sister's husband made a pass at you- what? You'd just never speak to to your sister again? That is serious odd (to me) but I guess understandable if you never really liked her in the first place.

Exactly what @PloddingAlong21 said!
Why can’t you just ask your sister?

Are your family not very close? Or just generally bad communicators? I would have called my sister way before this to see what was wrong. I'd definitely have called after I found out I wasn't invited for dinner. Your little passive aggressive 'have a good time' will have just made things worse and the fact that you didn't ask outright why you weren't invited makes me think you likely do know why. It would have to he something very major I'd done for my parents and brother to go along with excluding me from a family event and they would definitely discuss this with me instead of going behind my back. So it sounds like your parents and brother are also supporting your sister in whatever the issue is. Can't believe you haven't addressed it tbh. Why on earth would you let it fester?

Might your husband have said or done something? If you used to be close and you honestly can't think of anything you have said or done? I hate to say this but he hasn't been inappropriate with her, has he?

Fertility issues?
financial problems/differences?
husbands don’t get on?
new car/house? Jealousy
kids, feeling put out successes or grandparents favour one?
Honestly the suggestion of meeting for coffee quietly alone for a chat after the dinner party is probably best ask if there’s something up as you feel she’s been resentful has something happened? Good luck.

My sister has always been weird with me, I’m 7 years older and have always had more, well l would have, l started earning before she did. I’ve always been kind and generous with her and have given her many expensive items but I have never been given even one thing, I stopped being generous a while ago. She does buy me nice birthday and Christmas presents. I’ve let her go in a way, I’ll message when necessary but now don’t generally keep in touch.

perhaps there’s an element of jealousy from your sister?

Some people may respond well to this /perhaps also depending on the tone you set/ while others will completely shut down or get angry as they will not be able oto deal with the direct pressure.

I’ve only read OP’s posts. Surely the simplest thing to do is call her and ask what the issue is?

My first thought was it involves OP's husband.

I would go to her door so you can’t be ignored.

I think this is good advice. It's really harsh to not tell you what's wrong.

I'd also add something along the lines of please don't just say you've been busy because things are definitely different from when you've been busy before - no matter what's been going on you've always found time to reply to messages'

Why do you think she has sat on something and let it fester rather than just tell you.

Why wouldn't you ask your parents about it, surely they'll think it's weird if you were previously close and you aren't at the dinner

Why can’t you ask your parents? Surely you can’t have a conversation with them and not ask?! How very odd. I think that’s what I would do. Just because they’re elderly doesn’t mean you can’t ask?