How much damage have I done to my child by doing this? I feel sick

[10000ak]

DS is 4 in a couple of months. Not yet at school. I am a single parent and usually manage reasonably ok.

Tonight I absolutely lost it. I don’t really remember what started it but I was doing the bath and ds was going mad about his hair being washed, hitting me, then started spitting at me and splashing water out of the bath to me. I stayed calm for a few minutes and tried to get him to stop. He eventually did and then it started up again. I just burst into tears and shouted ‘I hate you’ over and over and he was saying stop mum stop it mum. It was awful. I left the bathroom for a minute or so (no bath water left in tub at this point) and came back and I think he said sorry mum, I don’t really remember, I just rinsed his hair then he got out and he was upset and so was I. I dressed him and said I was going downstairs for a few minutes.

I went back upstairs and gave him a hug and he said I’m sorry mum, I asked him to sit down and I said I was very sorry for shouting, mum should never ever do that and she is sorry and she loves you all the time always and I only said unkind things because I was very tired and I was upset at being hit and splashed but it was wrong of me. He said he was sorry too. We hugged again.

Evening was fine after that. I feel horrendously sick and can’t eat and definitely won’t sleep. I can’t actually believe what I said to him in such a horrible way on repeat. I don’t need anyone to tell me this is wrong, I know it is. How much damage do you think I have done? What else can I do to fix this? I hate myself so much and feel like I’ve completely let myself down as a parent and mother. What a mess.

I don't want to sound mean but having been the child in this equation, I disagree I think it's likely he will remember this. But importantly op he will also remember the lead up to it - his behaviour and most importantly, he will remember that you apologised and owned it was not an OK thing to say and you made it clear to him that it was not true. And that's the most important bit that makes ALL the difference.

You've both learnt something important tonight - him that his behaviour has an impact on others and if he lashes out people might lash out back, and you learnt that you're capable of going too far if you don't step away sooner than you did tonight. He also learnt how to apologise when you hurt others and how to be responsible for yourself. These are good things to learn.

I'm a lone parent to a child the same age and I'd say the evenings are by far the hardest time of day because by then I've emptied my tank so a rough bedtime routine is extra hard when you have much less bandwidth to work from. There are nights where ds probably could have done with a bath but he was just emotionally dysregulated or truthfully ive been dystegulated and I've made the call to just skip that part to speed along bedtime and bathed the next night instead or a shower in the morning if it was really needed. You need to find some ways to pause and look at what you have capacity for and if it's too much then unless it's essential, screw it that one time. Equally sometimes ds will be quite happy in the bath and I'll use that as a chance to create space for myself and I'll be sitting beside him while he plays with his toys and I can scroll on my phone mindlessly for 5-10 min which mentally sets me up for the next part of the routine.

We also have a really clear behaviour system. He gets a 5 second count down to think about what he's doing, a warning that the behaviour is not OK and if he continues doing x then y will happen and if it keeps up I follow through on that every time. Usually I don't need to go past the 1st warning now thankfully. In the instance of hitting/spitting etc I also would have immediately drained the bath, lifted him out and wrapped him up in a blanket and told him to go into his room and then followed when i was calm.

I think tomorrow is a new day, I would chat to him about it again tomorrow to make it clear that you really do love him and you are sorry that you used hurtful words because you felt angry. Then maybe make a plan together like a little agreement of how you'll treat each other in your home and make it look really nice and stick it up on the fridge so it's not just you saying sorry, but also him recognising that he can't spit etc. And op I feel your pain, spitting is the one thing I find super triggers my anger because its so disrespectful even though they don't mean it to be to the extent we see it as adults.

Lots of self care for you as well to refill that cup..

please don’t beat yourself up. 25 years ago I lost it with my child who was insanely jealous of their newborn sibling. I was sleep deprived and at my wits end. I ended up sobbing telling my child they were making my life hell. It was not my finest moment and I felt so guilty afterward but it did stop the tantrums.

I’ll never forget the look of shock on their face.
Anyway fast forward to now and we have a very close relationship and i even get to look after the grandchildren so it can’t have been that traumatic for them. I’ve asked and they have no memory of it

Tomorrow morning say to him that you will both spend the day doing kind things for each other as you love each other and love living together and all what he would like to do, and go and have some fun.

A shit mother would not be feeling terrible right now. You are feeling terrible, because you lost it, and actually, you really love this boy, and you are a good mother.

Try not to beat yourself up. I'm in the 'we've all done it' camp. My kids are now well-adjusted adults, who know I love them unconditionally. (They were still utter shits sometimes when they were small...!!)

XXX

This is a really good idea.

Op think of when siblings say this to each other. They know on a level that they don’t mean it, it’s said in anger in the moment. If you are usually a kind loving mother he will know it’s not true. It’s repeated detrimental actions that cause harm, not one offs.

Definitely don’t bring it up again unless he does. I think most neuro typical children would forget about this as long as they are well loved and cared for usually. I’ve definitely lost it with my children before and said things I’ve regretted. I think the main thing is to own it (which you have done) and apologise for it. I would then forget and move on.

He has learned that horrible behaviour (hitting and spitting) has unpleasant consequences; no more. He has learned you are not an emotionless punchbag but a person and it's not nice to hit you or spit at you. I think we should all hope he remembers this lesson!

You did nothing wrong - do not beat yourself up.

I really feel for you. I‘ve been there. It’s awful.

My kids and I are now very close and have a good relationship, and they are happy and healthy.

You did the right thing by apologising.

Be kind to yourself

OP, you are a single mother, the toll it takes on you is immense. You are doing your best to raise your kid.
You lost your control for little bit, the fact that you have apologised and tried to explain to him is good. And I think you should talk to him tomorrow again just to explain again that you were tired and didn't mean it, and give him chance to ask some questions.
Sending you love. Hope you get some sleep tonight.

@Anywherebuthere

He may do. I had a similar outburst with my son and he reminded me at 16. Remember when you were being evil to me that day when I didn’t tie my shoelaces? Yes I said, and I apologised again calmly. Held the silence and didn’t try to defend, deflect or deny. He said, don’t worry mum. Thankfully I has many, many other moments where I excelled but it’s bloody Sod’s Law those memories stick.

Honestly, there are interactions I had with both my DS's in extreme circumstances, that I regret. But now everything's fine, and they're not bothered/ barely remember.
If it were me, I'd be apogising, trying to explain...
I think these moments are part of life and parenting. You show your DS you're vulnerable and human, as are they. Stress, repair, bond.

We've all lost it at one time or another. Go get in bed with him and snuggle up, tell him tomorrow you are sorry you were naughty, you must have been tired but you know that he knows you love him more than anything. And then laugh that even mummys can be naughty sometimes!

You are a good mum

Of course you deserve them. Tomorrow is a new day.

the way to forgive yourself is by understanding that you couldn’t have NOT said that in that exact situation. With the moment and the situation and history and all of it that’s what you did.

Anf now you’ve learned from it. And you can make better choices next time.

We all mess up and it’s what you do after that matters.

He won’t be ruminating about it right now. I also wouldn’t bring it up but make sure he knows what exactly you love about him

I think he will forget about it.

You’ve both learned a valuable lesson. You both love each other. End of.

You’ve done him zero damage.

Think about it: children his age, along with teenagers, are probably the most likely group to say ‘I hate you’ in a fit of temper without really meaning it. I think that, at nearly four, he absolutely understands that sometimes people say bad things in a temper which they don’t mean and feel awful about. You’ve explained and apologised and had a cuddle and he’s gone to bed safe. I’m sure you tell him (and show him) how much you love him every single day, and he knows it. If he mentions what happened, you can have another talk about it, but I wouldn’t bring it up again.

Also… sometimes it’s a good thing for a child to learn that if they behave in a way that’s mean and obnoxious, the consequences might be unpredictable and unpleasant. Of course I’m not saying that it’s ideal for a parent to lose it and say “I hate you”, and of course you would never have consciously chosen to do that - but ultimately, although the precise nature of your reaction isn’t what you’d have chosen, he will at least have seen that when he is horrid to other people, it’s hurtful and upsetting for them.

Honestly, don’t feel bad. You’re clearly a wonderful mum and you’re human - nobody’s perfect and your son is completely fine and unharmed.

I would vote for bringing it up a couple more times in the coming days to reiterate that it was a mistake and you absolutely did not mean it, you were just very tired.

From experience, I wish this was how vaguely similar incidents were dealt with when I was little. I say “similar”, but mine were much much more hurtful things being said that my mum never acknowledged and to this day almost denies or just deflects. Obviously my situation has nothing to do with your situation as you have already addressed this correctly, so please don’t continue to beat yourself over it. But on reflection I think I would have appreciated it if my mum returned to the incident and reiterated that she absolutely didn’t mean what she said.

I didn’t turn out too bad despite her best efforts 😂 Joking aside you will be fine OP and your son will be too. Clearly not a great moment but we are human and we make mistakes and then learn from them.

❤️

on the most basic level he feels that you’re his safe place

I remember screaming at my DS until his sister (3 years older) cried at me to stop. It was awful. I was freshly separated from their dad and going through hell, and God he could push my buttons. I absolutely hated myself too. That was 12 years ago and neither of them even remember it now. Just don't make a huge deal about making it up to him, ie don't keep talking about it.. that'll just draw more attention to it and ring alarm bells to him and only serves to try to make you feel better. He'll be fine if it's a one off, give yourself some grace. Sending hugs x

Sorry, I won’t make you feel any better about this.

He may well remember. Get some help for your inability to control yourself before you end up physically hurting him, never mind the mental pain you’ve caused. I recall the vile things my parents said to me due to their inability to control themselves and their poor parenting.

I have a 4yo and an 11yo - the word “hate” has never crossed my mind with them; never mind my lips.

Pathetic.

You need to do everything you can to prevent it happening again. He may forget this time, but not the next.

Now you’re making me cry 🤣😭 Of course you deserve them. Have a cup of tea, watch something silly on Netflix, acknowledge you had a bad moment and move on from it. Beating yourself up won’t do anyone any good.

Not eating and not sleeping are sure fire ways to find yourself making more choices you are disappointed in.

He has forgiven you, you have repaired with him in an age appropriate way. Recognise what you didn’t like about your feelings and actions and then forgive yourself. You and he will be ok but you need to eat and sleep to be ready for tomorrow ❤️

This is a great suggestion!