How much damage have I done to my child by doing this? I feel sick

[10000ak]

DS is 4 in a couple of months. Not yet at school. I am a single parent and usually manage reasonably ok.

Tonight I absolutely lost it. I don’t really remember what started it but I was doing the bath and ds was going mad about his hair being washed, hitting me, then started spitting at me and splashing water out of the bath to me. I stayed calm for a few minutes and tried to get him to stop. He eventually did and then it started up again. I just burst into tears and shouted ‘I hate you’ over and over and he was saying stop mum stop it mum. It was awful. I left the bathroom for a minute or so (no bath water left in tub at this point) and came back and I think he said sorry mum, I don’t really remember, I just rinsed his hair then he got out and he was upset and so was I. I dressed him and said I was going downstairs for a few minutes.

I went back upstairs and gave him a hug and he said I’m sorry mum, I asked him to sit down and I said I was very sorry for shouting, mum should never ever do that and she is sorry and she loves you all the time always and I only said unkind things because I was very tired and I was upset at being hit and splashed but it was wrong of me. He said he was sorry too. We hugged again.

Evening was fine after that. I feel horrendously sick and can’t eat and definitely won’t sleep. I can’t actually believe what I said to him in such a horrible way on repeat. I don’t need anyone to tell me this is wrong, I know it is. How much damage do you think I have done? What else can I do to fix this? I hate myself so much and feel like I’ve completely let myself down as a parent and mother. What a mess.

My mum lost her shit with me and my siblings really badly once. We did always get told off but she really lost it one day.
It didn’t do us any harm and I never really thought about it until I ready your post.
As a kid I remember that I thought I should stop doing whatever I was doing to be a pain in the arse.
As an adult I realise she was a working mum with 3 small children, my dad was abroad and we lived hundreds of miles from anyone else in the family and we never left her alone, we used to talk to her in the bath and in the loo. She never got a minutes peace! We are the best of friends now and I voluntarily hang out with her so alls well that ends well ☺️

So many of us have been there. You can keep everything together for so long but eventually something gives way. It sounds like you took some time out, were calm when you went back and it sounds like you apologised in a way he will understand.

He might completely forget about it, you will definitely remember and feel awful everyone you do. But part of being a parent us we don't always get it right. And we are human! We are not perfect.

Agree with all the other posters reassuring you.
We are all human and he was pushing you and you snapped. You did the right thing to take yourself away when safe, calm down and return and apologise to him and explain.
Don't labour it with him now. It's done, you've explained, apologised. Just continue to show him you love him in all the normal ways I'm sure you do.
It's okay for us all to have big feelings and to learn to cope with them by reflecting on things and talking it out.
This is okay, he is okay and you are a good mum.
We have all lost our temper. Parenting is hard. Especially single parenting.
The very fact you feel so horrendous is testament to how much you do care for him.
We all fuck up. Be kind to yourself.

I think when we are at the end of our tether sometimes we self sabotage as well, it’s like you yelled that you hated him because you knew you would feel awful for saying that, kind of punishing yourself as well sort of thing.

I think best not to bring it up again as something to “remember” and dwell on if he is literally completely over it, but maybe tomorrow just subtly test the waters to see if he’s thinking about it. Something like, “you know mummy loves you SO much but sometimes when she’s very tired and cross I might not seem like it and I’m sorry for that” - to open the conversation to see if he wants to talk about it and needs more reassurance.

And instead of lying here worrying about it, go and snuggle him! The oxytocin of his little cuddles will help your stress and help you sleep.

He was hitting you and spitting at you. You reacted. He needed to lear that lesson, that your mum is human and has her limits. If you weren't a single parent, his dad might have waded in on your side and saved the day. (I've been there.)

Give yourself a break here.

And make sure he understands that his behaviour was way out of line, too.

My daughter is about 6 months older than your son and I'm also a single mum. We have so much pressure on us to get shit done, be perfect mothers and also earn a decent wage that since I've been single (just over a year) I often feel awful about the lack of time and patience I have for DD compared to before the split. Anyway, I too have snapped at her and am unfortunately often a bit grumpy but we always save time at the end of the day for a big long cuddle and chat and I often remind her that I always, always love her even when I'm grumpy, even when I'm angry and no matter what she can do will stop me loving her.

You don't need to bring it up again, but I would just keep reminding him how much you love him even when you're angry you love him. It will be fine - look after yourself (I'm my most grumpy and impatient when I've been overworked and haven't been sleeping enough) ❤️

Most parents have snapped ay some point and said something awful that they wish they could take back. I know I have.
There's nothing wrong with bringing it up again.
The fact that you're so upset by it shows that you're not a crap mum.

I think there is something about being spat at that is very demeaning and difficult to take calmly. Worse than being hit.

I can remember my child aged under 5 spitting at me and kicking my leg in the chip shop because I would not buy them some horrible bright red pop . I was so shocked that I hauled them out of the shop and yelled in their face. I was a single parent and sometimes you are just running on empty, and they blindside you when you have no inner resources to handle things calmly. You said sorry, he said sorry, and just the fact that you are still feeling awful shows that you are a good mum. As others have said, a less good mum would think that her actions were fine and give it no further thought.

Not ideal but we’ve all made mistakes. Also he has realized he went too far. Try to consider how you too handle it in future - deep breathing, count to ten whatever. You’ll feel better tomorrow

Tell me about. I scared myself enough too and never repeated it again.

You can't change what you did, but you can change what happens next time.

You need to come up with a suitable way of dealing with his behaviour. You also need to find a way to have a break, it really sounds like you need one.

Remember, it's everyone's first time here. We are all learning.

OP, with all respect, I get how worried you are and how hard you’re trying to be a good mum, so give your head a wobble. He can’t be too young to understand an apology yet old enough to understand the full meaning of “I hate you” and be laying in bed at four years old ruminating over it. What he was yelling “stop mum” about was probably just the yelling. I bet he didn’t even pay attention to what was said. Four year olds aren’t known for their quiet introspection. He and his little friends probably yell at each other and then hug and say they love each other all the time. If he felt how you’re afraid of, you would have heard about it by now.

And I have to agree with others. I don’t know if he’s normally a “nice, calm” little boy. I would NEVER have dared to hit (much less spit at!!) my grandmother, especially when she was going to the effort to wash me. I don’t particularly blame you for losing your temper over being hit and spit on; most people would! It might hurt less than an adult doing it, but it doesn’t feel less of unpleasant because it’s a child doing it instead of a full-grown adult.

There’s this idea that you should emit calm and light and understanding even if your child takes a shite in their own hands and then claps in your face. It’s very odd, socially, and not helpful for mums like OP - her DS was being a right mate, she had a “moment,” apologized, and it’s over. Forgive yourself, OP. 💐

This is so true, when there is nobody there to say "don't do that to your mum, say sorry" and to take over so you can gather yourself and your thoughts

Agree. I've never lost it with a child and we shouldn't minimise it

But, what's done is done. Attachment involves rupture and repair

I suggest OP gives her son lots of hugs tomorrow and then moves on

You may have taught him a huge lesson. You didn't hit him & you reassured him you love him. Put it behind you. Your doing a great job

At 4 he won't understand the full emotional weight of the word 'hate'. He just thinks you got really cross with him for hitting and spitting - and of course you would be cross as thise behaviours are not acceptable.

If you continued to be the kind of mother that showed you actually disliked him then he will start to remember the time you said you hated him and feel it more deeply. However, you are clearly a good mum who loves her boy and so he will know this over time more than anything else.

Hopefully he will know not to spit and hit you again. I'm sure he will (they take so long to learn these lessons!), but be prepared next time and just remove yourself from hitting distance and deal with it differently.

Try not to worry - mums deal with enough guilt about every little thing so don't let this one incident consume you

I don't know how single parents do it so hats off to you. I don't think he'll remember it particularly well. I know my Mum lost her rag with us plenty and we don't remember details or hold it against her now; she was a loving Mum who gave us all her time and effort and did the best she could. I try so hard to keep calm with mine but sometimes it just gets too much and I shout sometimes things I regret. We can only try to be better each day.

Be kind to yourself op . Not your finest moment but you owned it and apologised which is a good example to your DS how to make things right and talked about the mistakes we make. It’s been a long day, try and sleep and have a better day tomorrow.

If you were to do this on a regular basis, and your actions did nothing to suggest it wasn't true then, yes, you will harm your child
As a one off, when you show love to your child all the time - your son is going to be just fine.
You may have started his understanding that there are consequences to bad behaviour - if he is starting school this year he will need to understand you can't hit and spit at people as there will be consequences there

Stop thinking about it now, it’s done and cannot be undone but you can change the effect of this by reminding him it’s his behaviour you hate, you love him but hate that type of behaviour.

As an aside, I think this has hurt you a lot and I wonder if you are really needing a bit of slack and maybe a bit of self love too.

mums don’t always get it right at the moment but it will be ok in time.

The main thing is that you made up properly afterwards. As long as there is proper repair after a rupture there should be no lasting damage.

I remember I once shouted at 3 year old DD so fiercely that she wet herself. She’s 14 now and I still lie awake thinking about it some nights. Our relationship is very close and loving and always has been (and hopefully always will be).

We have all been there. Don't make a habit of it. But your son's feeling of love is based on how you are over the course of everything, not on a blip. Use this experience to know when you need to step away next time.

It's understandable you feel like this, but you're only human, and with a lot on your plate.

I'm sure you'll work on not repeating this, but please try as well not to go the other way by overcompensating for this mistake.
Reassure him as needed, but always remember children do well with discipline, boundaries and stability.

OP I wish I could give you a hug. I have done this more than once. Covid drove me insane and I WAS NOT the mother I wanted to be.

Cut yourself some slack. You obviously adore your kid. You lost it. We all do! You did exactly the right thing after - you repaired and co regulated with him. So you taught him - mummy is a human being and loses her shit like I do, says things that she feels in the moment because she's angry. You also taught him - the right thing to do is calm down and repair the situation.

My fears when this happened to me was that this would become my new normal. I d just become this hideous mother who would do this all the time. That didn't happen and it won't happen to you. Treat this like a warning bell. The warning is that you need to understand why it's happening. Mine was covid, working full time, no child care. What's driving yours? And try and address that. In the moment BREATHE. Focus on your breath. Look into box breathing. And tell your kid - you are driving me crazy, I need a break, give me five minutes or I will lose my shit. Maybe that's terrible parenting... But it works here. My kid will 9 times out of 10 give me a look of understanding , say something like ya well you're driving me crazy too, we ll take five minutes and then we'll be ok for round two.

Go easy on yourself. Your kid knows you love him. He now knows the person who loves him is a human being. That's all.