How much damage have I done to my child by doing this? I feel sick

[10000ak]

DS is 4 in a couple of months. Not yet at school. I am a single parent and usually manage reasonably ok.

Tonight I absolutely lost it. I don’t really remember what started it but I was doing the bath and ds was going mad about his hair being washed, hitting me, then started spitting at me and splashing water out of the bath to me. I stayed calm for a few minutes and tried to get him to stop. He eventually did and then it started up again. I just burst into tears and shouted ‘I hate you’ over and over and he was saying stop mum stop it mum. It was awful. I left the bathroom for a minute or so (no bath water left in tub at this point) and came back and I think he said sorry mum, I don’t really remember, I just rinsed his hair then he got out and he was upset and so was I. I dressed him and said I was going downstairs for a few minutes.

I went back upstairs and gave him a hug and he said I’m sorry mum, I asked him to sit down and I said I was very sorry for shouting, mum should never ever do that and she is sorry and she loves you all the time always and I only said unkind things because I was very tired and I was upset at being hit and splashed but it was wrong of me. He said he was sorry too. We hugged again.

Evening was fine after that. I feel horrendously sick and can’t eat and definitely won’t sleep. I can’t actually believe what I said to him in such a horrible way on repeat. I don’t need anyone to tell me this is wrong, I know it is. How much damage do you think I have done? What else can I do to fix this? I hate myself so much and feel like I’ve completely let myself down as a parent and mother. What a mess.

I think you handled it perfectly tbh. There's a lot to be said for not being too proud to apologise to your kid. Agree that this will stick in your mind much more than in his. 💐

Sometimes this kinda thing leads to even better parenting as you become more reflective.

The other thing that is worrying me is that because he is barely even 4 I am concerned he didn’t fully understand my apology or the fact that I didn’t mean what I said. He might think on one level I do actually hate him

Also I should add that he usually not like that, he does have his moments but he’s generally a really lovely and calm child

Your actions and words going forward will show him that you do not hate him but, if his behaviour is usually pretty easy, you do need to think about why one bath time tipped you over the edge. (e.g. Is something else going on with you and this was just the last straw that made you crumble? How is your temper generally with people?)
I'm not trying to have a go or make you feel worse because it's clear you know that this wasn't ok (which already makes you a better parent than many!), but being sad and feeling guilty isn't going to make things better on its own. You do need to think practically about why this happened and how to avoid in the future. That will be the difference when it comes to the way he sees himself and what he sees when he looks back on childhood.

You sound very tired, is there any way you can get a little break?

Do not bring it up again. It will just remind him of it.

Try to forgive yourself. Nobody ever made a mistake on purpose.

Actions speak much louder than words.

is he neurodivergent?

Hopefully this.

I doubt at his age he will remember it, and to be honest as a single parent i take my hat off to you and really feel for you and others having to handle as I have behaved in ways i'm not proud of saying harsh things in anger to the kids even with a supportive husband to help share the load.
It is obviously not something you want to get in the habit of though, so i would think carefully about how you can help yourself not get to that point again.

Parenting doesn’t come with a handbook. Everyone makes mistakes along the way.
You’re unreasonable to blow this out of proportion.
Don’t bring it up again and hold true to doing better next time.

It is unlikely to scar because you apologised and acknowledged what you did, explained why and said it wasn't true and you shouldn't have done it. It's when people pretend that it didn't happen it turns into a scar.

I would bring it up in a very lowkey way, when you’re next to each other so say in the car, rather than facing him. Just something like, “I didn’t mean what I said to you yesterday, I was being horrid and it’s not true, I love you more than etc etc” and then move on, maybe make a silly joke about something to change the mood. I do think you should tell him it’s not ok to spit etc etc though.
I’ve not said this to my children but I’m not judging a mum who’s exhausted and was pushed and came out with it and then afterwards, is full of regret and horror and self loathing. Parenting is the absolute hardest thing I’ve ever done so I’m not casting aspersions on someone who’s trying to get it right, especially someone who knows they’ve made a mistake but is brave enough to face up to that and seek to improve.

I think it’s actually useful for them to learn that you can’t push people too far, even parents. You need to forgive yourself and get some sleep.

You did a lot of apologising and I think I wouldn’t mention it to him again – just assume it’s over and done with unless he brings it up. Otherwise you’re making it more important than it needs to be. Honestly, we all lose it sometimes.

Sleep well tonight. It wasn’t your finest moment but also you are generally a good parent who loves your son. You wouldn't be so upset if you didnt care and weren’t a great parent.

he will not hold onto this I’m sure, however what I hope he has learnt is that when you say stop you mean it and he doesn’t ignore you again.

if he does that again, immediately end the Bath/Activity/leave wherever you are, put him in a safe place I.e. his bedroom and go and calm down away from him.

i have shouted previously, different words but an outburst of anger and I find it’s when I’m exhausted, overworked, underslept etc. I now try to manage myself better to regulate myself

I don’t think at 4 he really understands hatred, he probably just sees it the same way he would a sibling or similar aged friend having a bit of an outburst & saying ‘I hate you’

Also a single mum here and lone parent.
Support groups have helped me.

www.gingerbread.org.uk/our-work/support-for-single-parents/

Everyone is rushing to make you feel better, but honestly this may end up being one for the therapists couch. You don’t know but it’s not ideal and it isn’t nothing. However you have the opportunity to repair.
Firstly you need to improve your skills so you can keep your shit together and potentially get some mental health support If you feel that’s necessary. Secondly, I would be trying to get some professional guidance on how to handle it, rather than a load of parents on here who have skin in the game because they too may have lost it with their kid and don’t want to feel bad about it themselves. I’d feel inclined to talk to him about it again tomorrow, then I would be bringing it up every couple of years as an example of what happens when we can’t self regulate, to check in with him in case he does remember it and is bothered by it. I just don’t see what could be bad about revisiting it, there’s useful stuff to learn in there and if you talk about it, it gives him permission to.
I remember my mum screaming “what did I do to deserve children like you?” At my sisters and I when I was much older and it has stayed with me. please don’t let others encourage you to brush it under the carpet in an attempt to make you feel better.

And ps the shame you feel is healthy, it’s there to stop you doing it again. Horrible but important

Oh, bless you, this has brought tears to my eyes. You snapped in the moment. I am a completely solo parent too and its fucking hard. So hard. You shouldn't have said it, you acknowledge that, but sometimes the emotional side of our brain takes over the logical side. Get your boy, bring him in your bed and fall asleep cuddling him x

You're a lovely mum. You know why? Because you care and feel rotten. You're also human! There's not a mum or a human on this planet that's perfect or Mary Poppins 100% of the time.

Sending hugs and hope you manage to sleep after all.

Don't beat yourself up. I was playing a game with my children tonight and I got cross because I thought they were trying to sabotage me and like a toddler I refused to play! We all do things when we are tired and at the end of our tethers. We are human. You said sorry and explained. Forgive yourself.

I think this is true. But he might remember it and think about it later as he grows older so that's something you need to be ready for.

Has he ever said "I hate you" to you when he was at the end of his tether? If he has, I would remind him of it and say that you knew he didn't hate you and that he said it because he was very sad and angry and didn't know what to do, and explain that that was how you were feeling last night.

Oh get a grip. We are human and we make mistakes. Every single parent in the planet has lost their shit at some point.

Your son wasn’t behaving very well - you shouted. Ok your choice of words was not ideal. At all. BUT. I personally think losing your marbles when someone deliberately behaves badly / treats you badly - is completely normal. You are allowed to shout when he behaves badly. It doesn’t make you a shit mother - quite the opposite. Children needs boundaries and clear ones. At four he is old enough to know that hitting and splashing are not acceptable and he is not allowed to do that without consequences. Tonight he saw some consequences and hopefully he will remember next time that it is not acceptable behaviour and that he should make some effort to make life easy for you and listen to you during bath time.

Make it very clear you do not hate him. Tell him you boiled over because you try so hard to be kind. it’s actually better to not try so hard so he can see where the boundaries are.
Next time shout a little bit earlier, before you boil up into a complete rage. You’re allowed to be cross at crappy behaviour!!! From the very first splash / bite / hit etc. If he wants kindness only, he’ll have to learn to be only kind to you! Don’t let him learn he can be badly behaved and you’ll still be nice. That won’t help him in life.
big hug to you xxxx

i can tell what a loving mother you are. You clearly tell him and show him all the time how much you love him. He knows in his bones you love him. You were pushed to breaking point. He will be fine. Make yourself a cup of tea and a plate of biscuits, have a quick hot shower and into PJs then watch your favourite comfort tv for an hour. In the morning have a big cuddle and if you can, so something lovely with him that resets you both. You don’t deserve to be beating yourself up, you are doing your absolute best.

You will both be ok 💐