How much damage have I done to my child by doing this? I feel sick

[10000ak]

DS is 4 in a couple of months. Not yet at school. I am a single parent and usually manage reasonably ok.

Tonight I absolutely lost it. I don’t really remember what started it but I was doing the bath and ds was going mad about his hair being washed, hitting me, then started spitting at me and splashing water out of the bath to me. I stayed calm for a few minutes and tried to get him to stop. He eventually did and then it started up again. I just burst into tears and shouted ‘I hate you’ over and over and he was saying stop mum stop it mum. It was awful. I left the bathroom for a minute or so (no bath water left in tub at this point) and came back and I think he said sorry mum, I don’t really remember, I just rinsed his hair then he got out and he was upset and so was I. I dressed him and said I was going downstairs for a few minutes.

I went back upstairs and gave him a hug and he said I’m sorry mum, I asked him to sit down and I said I was very sorry for shouting, mum should never ever do that and she is sorry and she loves you all the time always and I only said unkind things because I was very tired and I was upset at being hit and splashed but it was wrong of me. He said he was sorry too. We hugged again.

Evening was fine after that. I feel horrendously sick and can’t eat and definitely won’t sleep. I can’t actually believe what I said to him in such a horrible way on repeat. I don’t need anyone to tell me this is wrong, I know it is. How much damage do you think I have done? What else can I do to fix this? I hate myself so much and feel like I’ve completely let myself down as a parent and mother. What a mess.

He sounds very badly behaved!!

my children wouldn’t dare behave like that at any age, I think your son got off lightly to be honest.

you need to sort his behaviour out so it doesn’t get to this point otherwise the teenage years will be hell for you.

I don’t think isolated incidents like this cause much damage, if any at all. I also don’t think it’s a bad thing for children to see when their misbehaviour is really having an effect on their parents – especially when they are four years old.

What a helpful post 🙄

OP, I 100% feel your pain. I’ve lost my shit badly on a couple of occasions with my otherwise well loved son and I know that awful sick feeling ‘replaying’ I’ve done in my head, picturing his wee face when he’s seen me snap😔. A big apology, (but only as far as the next day as his sense of time is different), lots of cuddles and ‘love bombing’ (the parent/child version!!) for the next while and it’ll be ok.
As PP have said, as long as he’s otherwise well-loved and this doesn’t happen frequently, it’ll be ok. And you’ll learn from this, and how you can de-escalate when things get to boiling point again.
take care OP, the fact that you feel so shit means you’re a good mum.
Also, I wanted to say that he won’t really understand ’hate’ in the way you or I do. When you apologise, explain that we sometimes say awful things we don’t mean when we’re angry (as I’m sure he’s done to you!).

I found my youngest very challenging when she was small & had some bleak moments with her which were similar to the one you describe.
She is now a late teen and we have a close, loving relationship.

Motherhood is hard, kids push our buttons sometimes in a way no one else can because the relationship is so intense.

But don't worry, it will all be fine. Just reassure him again and show him you love him. Xx

Aw OP I feel for you as it's so obvious how distressed you are. We have all lost it. I remember going full dragon one particular time and it was a release of complete rage... unstoppable once it started.. all before 8am!

What a lot of people don't know is that attachment is actually built on this rupture and repair, not on perfection. Having conflicts and explaining and apologising bring us closer. You'll have learnt from this and he will be fine. Wishing you all the best 💐

A lot of people totally missing the pount. It's not the fact that she lost her temper, it's the words she used. Of course a 4 year old absolutely understands what 'hate' means, that is why he was so distressed and begging her to stop!
A 4 year old is not a baby. I can clearly remember being in reception class. This is why i stand by my earlier comment that saying such a thing this is very abnormal behaviour for a mother. I think she needs some sort of counselling.

I don't think that's been missed at all but it is done now and op can learn from it, apologise and move on. She's clearly very distressed exactly because of the words used.

They understand it means strong dislike. They don't understand it in an adult sense.

And until the option of time travel is available to us, what would you suggest we, or OP, do?

Pour scorn on her and insist on sackcloth and ashes, or make sure that little boy knows he's loved and mummies can get it wrong too, and move on?

I choose the latter. You carry on putting the boot in if you want to, but I'm not sure what it achieves beyond making oneself feel righteous.

That is why i said ' a lot of people' and not 'the OP'.
The op understands, yes. It's all the posters saying it's normal to lose your temper , that dont appear to get it.

If you read my post , you would see what i suggest! Most people , even when they have lost their temper, can hold lines that they ate in control enough not to cross. OP seems to lack that and i think that requires professional help.

I agree the OP gets it and is doing her best to mend the relationship with her son. All the posters telling her "it's fine hun, we all do it and it will have taught her son good lesson" not so much.

I don't agree one snapshot of words being used suggests that professional help is needed at all.

A huge shock, careful reflection and understanding of triggers for another time, yes.

Telling a clearly loving and conscientious single mother who is devastated that she screwed up that she can't continue to be the sole carer for her child without professional help is unfair, and risks being harmful by undermining her confidence and mental wellbeing IMO.

I'm not being 'ah hun just get over it and have a prosecco', I just think there's a bigger picture here.

Particularly, I might add, given the dearth of support out there.

A 4 year old does not understand the word hate at all. They may understand it means they dislike something, but not in the true sense of the word. He was likely upset as he was pushing boundaries and mummy shouted. Boundary pushing comes woth resistance, unfortunately the op was a bit unprepared for this one and dealt with it in a less than ideal way.

Just because you don't understand why the op used the word, doesn't make it abnormal. Maybe she actually meant she hates the situation they are in. Or his behaviour. Or maybe she's so exhausted that she briefly hated him. Who knows? I do know that if we are to believe the op, she clearly loves him and recognises her behaviour needs to change.

I said it earlier - we are all here for our first time. We will all make mistakes, what we do about it is what matters.

Actually the opposite is true. Once a line has been crossed ince, crossing it a second time is that much easier.

OP,
If you weren't a decent human being and a good mum, you wouldn't have thought you did anything wrong.

We were brought up by somebody who had no concept of anybody's needs and viewpoints than hers. Being shouted at was a weekly occurrence. She didn't ever apologise, just got hyperbolic as we got older and started answering her back " Oh, I must be SUCH a DREADFUL mother!", this dripping with sarcasm. Also threats to do awful things to herself or have herself sectioned if we didn't behave a certain way.

THIS ISN'T YOU! YOUR BOY WILL BE JUST FINE.

If you don't take it seriously and do the work.

Which OP clearly is.

I once said something awful to my when she was about that age. It kept on coming into my mind for years-and in the end I asked her about it as an adult. She was completely baffled- and said I must have dreamed it….