How much damage have I done to my child by doing this? I feel sick

[10000ak]

DS is 4 in a couple of months. Not yet at school. I am a single parent and usually manage reasonably ok.

Tonight I absolutely lost it. I don’t really remember what started it but I was doing the bath and ds was going mad about his hair being washed, hitting me, then started spitting at me and splashing water out of the bath to me. I stayed calm for a few minutes and tried to get him to stop. He eventually did and then it started up again. I just burst into tears and shouted ‘I hate you’ over and over and he was saying stop mum stop it mum. It was awful. I left the bathroom for a minute or so (no bath water left in tub at this point) and came back and I think he said sorry mum, I don’t really remember, I just rinsed his hair then he got out and he was upset and so was I. I dressed him and said I was going downstairs for a few minutes.

I went back upstairs and gave him a hug and he said I’m sorry mum, I asked him to sit down and I said I was very sorry for shouting, mum should never ever do that and she is sorry and she loves you all the time always and I only said unkind things because I was very tired and I was upset at being hit and splashed but it was wrong of me. He said he was sorry too. We hugged again.

Evening was fine after that. I feel horrendously sick and can’t eat and definitely won’t sleep. I can’t actually believe what I said to him in such a horrible way on repeat. I don’t need anyone to tell me this is wrong, I know it is. How much damage do you think I have done? What else can I do to fix this? I hate myself so much and feel like I’ve completely let myself down as a parent and mother. What a mess.

My most shameful memory was ds1 at about the same age being a complete pain all morning and then kicking off while I was trying to drive. I lost it and screamed, can't even remember what I said but he wailed that I sounded 'like a monster'.

I gave him copious hugs and apologised very many times and nothing ever happened like it again but I'm still writhing in shame remembering it.

He's 18. He doesn't remember it. He knows fine well that I love him to death, and when I'm a dick, I apologise for it.

Go easy on yourself, OP. You've got a lot on your plate and you snapped. Happens.

Go give him another kiss and tell him you love him, even if he's asleep. It will be fine.

Oh OP give yourself a little break. Even for 5 minutes. We have all been there in some way shape or form. I lost my temper when my son was five and not getting ready for school and more or less did the same thing.
He is now 11 and has never mentioned it to me and seems happy and well adjusted.
Remember how big his world is. You love him everyday day and do so much for him. That’s what he’ll remember.

I'm going to go against most posters here who say we have all been there - we absolutely haven't. The feelings of frustration, sure, but to say that to a child, repeatedly and with venom - absolutely not.
You will have destroyed some trust here, and he will remember. So you need to work out why you couldn't control yourself and what you can do to help yourself next time you feel overwhelmed. Because there will be a next time.

Can you remember being shouted at when you were three? No, I didn’t think so! The only time I remember being shouted at was when/ hit was when I was shouting at my mum age 14 and I shouted at her the wrong parent died (my dad had died about 2 years prior) she was telling me I couldn’t go to the cinema, I said the above and she slapped me across the face. I 100% deserved it.

Even then though we both burst into tears and said we. Were sorry.

Please don't wallow in self-loathing. You had an emotional reaction that wasn't ideal but it's not the end of the world.

One bad moment doesn't outweigh all the hours of love you've shown him.

I think in the end you modelled good behaviour. You lost your shit and screamed hateful things (bad) but then you apologised straightaway and reassured him with your love (good). He will have learned something useful from this. How strong your love is and how to repair after a row.

Sending you huge hugs 🫂 because ive been there too and I know you need them. Being a single parent is inexplicably challenging, and it is profoundly overwhelming at times like this. People think that mothers have to be this ethereal creature of love, kindness and devotion that do everything right by their kids.

Mothers are human beings. You are a human being and you have emotions, nobody is perfect and things like this happen. You will mess up sometimes, you were very highly emotional, being hit and just very overwhelmed and overstimulated in that moment. It is important to understand your feelings in order to process them, and it is a really great sign that you recognise how wrong this was and feel guilt - that makes you a good mum.

I think you handled the situation following your outburst perfectly - you took time to calm down, you went back, labelled what happened to enable your son to understand, and you apologised. You cant do any more than that. I would gently bring it up with him tomorrow, remind him how much you love him etc. Im sure that he is fine, these things happen in life. It sounds like you keep your cool 99% of the time otherwise, and as long as you do that and are vocal about your love for him then you have nothing to worry about.

Just dont be so hard on yourself - of course it wasnt a good thing to do, but its not like its a common occurrence. Other parents do much much worse and are not sorry about it, either. The fact you have learnt from this is already testament to what a wonderful mother you are, just remember youre not just a mum - you are a person. Keep your chin up, love your son, live your life - dont overthink it.

Your relationship with your son has been built on his lifetime of your love and care for him. He will not judge how loved he is by a few moments of temper quickly apologised for, but by how he is treated day to day. This one incident doesn't define your relationship and it won't damage him. It's a drop in the ocean of the everyday love you show him.
While it's always regrettable to lose control, there is a lesson there for him. That other people are human and if we mistreat them they get upset and react. This is helpful to understand to navigate relationships
If I were you, I'd not make any more of it. He will take his cue from you, so the more awful you tell him you were, the more likely he is to think it was a bigger deal than it need be. Carry on as normal. Instead of regretting something you can't change have a plan in place to handle it differently next time.

He's fine, you're just human you apologised and he maybe learned a lesson. No permanent damage done.

His reaction of 'stop it mum, stop it' would have been to your anger not your words.

As other posters have said, it's not ideal, but honestly I've been there in a similar place before. You gotta try let it go, you can't change it and bringing it up again tomorrow/sunday/next month is just going to remind him and create the memory, so to speak.

Extra love tomorrow for you both. Lots of cuddles, if he brings it up repeat your apology, but don't bring it up to him.

We are all human and sometimes we crack. You modelled excellent behaviour because you apologised unreservedly and you assured him of your love for him.

And I’m a counsellor for young people. Trust me here, you are nowhere near being the shittest mother ever. And children who have really awful experiences still love their parents. Find something to do to help you stop ruminating.

Op he won’t even know what hate means he will be scared in case you shout again but if you are normally calm it won’t have an impact on him he might remember you shouting but not the actual words. No one is a perfect parent but you apologised and hugged him to reassure him you never sent him to bed crying he apologised this might never happen again but as a single mother you are not perfect but none of us are. Please don’t lose sleep over this as you will be even more tired tomorrow just learn from it.

I disagree. Don’t bring it up again, he’s too young. Just keep telling him you love him very much.

Yeah I’m not sure. I don’t want to be that poster but I have a great friend who had a normally lively mun and did something like this. She always wondered if her mum did secretly hate her.

There isn’t anything you can do now but like others have said I think you need to understand why you had this extreme and abusive reaction even if it was a one off to not let it happen again.

what’s important is that you tell him you didn’t mean it and apologise
I usually apologise again and reiterate that I didn’t mean to get so angry the next day when things have calmed down too.
my own mother wouldn’t have apologised or said she didn’t mean it she would have just left it at ‘I hate you’ or ‘I wish you’d ever been born ‘ etc

Honestly every parent has been there. Please give yourself a break.
You apologised and recognised that this was unacceptable and it sounds like your son also apologised for his part in the behaviour/event. You still both clearly love each other.
Take care.
X

Unfortunately some children do remember. He may remember.

You need to make sure it doesn't happen again. He needs to know through words and actions that you didn't mean it. You don't have keep going over it.

Boundaries are still important, so don't allow poor behaviour because of guilt. But just make sure he knows you love him and always will.

rhw most important thing is repair and you’ve done it.
keep telling him that you love him over next few days.
hopefully he won’t do that again I have a three year old that behaved very similarly sometimes and I’ve cried before after he’s hit me in the face.

You’re a Mum, you are not a super human being, none of us are. You’ve apologized, now, I think least said soonest mended.

Your son won’t be centering on this I can almost 100% guarantee.

you shown him that a relationship can be repaired. Your repair was strong

Bless you OP, you need to cut yourself some slack. Damage is not caused to a child’s psyche by their mum shouting at them once! He knows you love him, you’ve been showing him love his whole life, haven’t you? The best thing you can do is be kind to yourself, get some rest, and then figure out how you can better deal with his behaviour next time he’s being a pain in the arse. You’re doing great, it’s so hard being a single parent.

ive been there.
Worst feeling in the universe.

He will be okay. You did say sorry. It was a one off. Try and learn/reflect.

You can just have some cuddles tomorrow…. Moving forward things will be okay 🌺.

Honestly don’t beat yourself up about it. Just try to walk away next time (making sure he’s safe first of course). I think the important thing is that you’ve apologised and reassured him. As long as it isn’t a regular thing, you will not have caused irreversible damage.

People talk about the terrible twos and whilst they can be terrible, no one seems to talk about how four is such an incredibly trying age. They’re full of energy and eagerness to learn and chat but they haven’t started school yet or made friends so it’s not really being channeled properly all the time yet. They’re full of opinions and think they know it all despite being so tiny and they NEVER STOP TALKING. I distinctly remember fantasising about sticking a screwdriver in my ear and banging it with a hammer when one of my kids was four because he had talked at me incessantly for hours.

Anyway my point is, it’s really hard parenting four year olds and we all lose our shit sometimes but you need to find ways of managing all this so it doesn’t happen again. If the bath is a trigger for you both then stick him in the shower with swimming goggles on. Rub the shampoo over his hair while it’s dry and let the shower water wash it off if you have to. Good enough is good enough sometimes OP. Think about the bits of parenting that you hate then look online for ideas of ways to do it differently.

You’re a human. You’ve realised you lost your cool and are now feeling guilty. It shows you have empathy. So of course you deserve kindness.

Your child will only be damaged is if this was continued behaviour from you. Which it is evident that it’s not continued.

There are lots of very damaged children due to neglect, emotional, physical and sexual abuse on a daily basis. These are children who have shit parents. Your son does not have a shit mother.

Everything will be fine❤️