How much damage have I done to my child by doing this? I feel sick

[10000ak]

DS is 4 in a couple of months. Not yet at school. I am a single parent and usually manage reasonably ok.

Tonight I absolutely lost it. I don’t really remember what started it but I was doing the bath and ds was going mad about his hair being washed, hitting me, then started spitting at me and splashing water out of the bath to me. I stayed calm for a few minutes and tried to get him to stop. He eventually did and then it started up again. I just burst into tears and shouted ‘I hate you’ over and over and he was saying stop mum stop it mum. It was awful. I left the bathroom for a minute or so (no bath water left in tub at this point) and came back and I think he said sorry mum, I don’t really remember, I just rinsed his hair then he got out and he was upset and so was I. I dressed him and said I was going downstairs for a few minutes.

I went back upstairs and gave him a hug and he said I’m sorry mum, I asked him to sit down and I said I was very sorry for shouting, mum should never ever do that and she is sorry and she loves you all the time always and I only said unkind things because I was very tired and I was upset at being hit and splashed but it was wrong of me. He said he was sorry too. We hugged again.

Evening was fine after that. I feel horrendously sick and can’t eat and definitely won’t sleep. I can’t actually believe what I said to him in such a horrible way on repeat. I don’t need anyone to tell me this is wrong, I know it is. How much damage do you think I have done? What else can I do to fix this? I hate myself so much and feel like I’ve completely let myself down as a parent and mother. What a mess.

Your son will be fine by you need more rest OP. Those sudden, out of character outbursts of anger are usually a sign of stress and exhaustion.

OP you’re a human being !!! Do tell him tomorrow how frustrated you were , and how sorry you are for what you said though…. You do have to apologise and he needs to understand you’re not a robot

<hope MN has enough trophies around for all those parents of the years awards > 🙄

Single parenthood is hard, especially when they are that age. He will know you love him because actions speak louder than words, and your actions show you are there for him. You apologized and have taught him that a heart felt apology is an important part of love. Do something fun, tomorrow is another day.

Kids need to learn you can push adults too far. You taught him a valuable lesson.

I have been there. Dont be hard on yourself. I am sure you are trying your best. Don’t keep bringing it up again. I’m sure if he didn’t spit/ lash out, you wouldn’t have done this.

My daughter is almost the same age, she almost certainly wouldn’t understand hate, but she definitely understands sorry and tired. Don’t beat yourself up, we’ve all had our moments and I’m sure you’re a lovely mum!

Ah OP cut yourself some slack. Sounds like you were pushed to your absolute limit. You apologised, you hugged him, you reassured him, you told him you love him, so you did all the right things afterwards. It might be worth having a chat with him tomorrow to say sometimes adults make mistakes and sometimes they say things that aren’t true. But please stop beating yourself up, you won’t have done him any lasting harm.

Cover it up as hating the sin not the sinner. Tell him you meant that you hated how he was behaving, not him, you love him. 🫣 I don’t usually recommend gaslighting a child but on this occasion I would.
In future say I don’t like your bad behaviour.

Been there. Also a moment I still cringe about. I also apologised and we talked about their behaviour too. Not my finest moment but the kids were fine.

You are a tired mum doing it all & it was one moment.

you are completely beating yourself up & habe probably damaged yourself more than your kid.

have another chat with him tomorrow. Given what he said, I think he was sorry for upsetting you so much.

what you don’t want is for this to happen again, can you change the routine slightly so you aren’t caught so frazzled. Is there any way you can get a bit of r&r time. Remember you are doing solo what is usually done by two parents, you have double the load

Honestly if any of my kids had ever spat at me I probably would have absolutely lost my shit too. Obviously you know your reaction wasn't ideal but you are a human being who was being battered and spat at, you're not a robot.

I think most of us have been there. You were unprepared for such extreme behaviour on his part. The important thing is to come up with a plan for what to say and do the next time.

Like PP, I have also experienced
occasions when I have let myself down but overall have been great and I think my kids know and appreciate that. Look at the big picture.

Hopefully he’ll just take it in his stride,especially if you’re normally calm and treat him with respect.
kids play up, and sometimes if we’ve had a bad day it’s too much for us and we lose it just like they can. We’re all still learning,remember that.
wealways try to do our best but we’re not always at our best.

You need some support - of all the things to say I think you need to explore with a MH professional why those words.

I suspect the best thing you can do is stop brooding about it and never mentioning it again unless the child brings it up first - probably unlikely.

Op the number of times that I hear people have lost it with their four year olds!

People keep saying it’s the terrible twos that is challenging but imho four is a lot harder. They are often starting to realise their own power and testing boundaries at this age.

In any other situation you can walk away but you couldn’t leave him in the bath so that’s why your response was probably so charged. That and it being the end of the day and the Easter holidays.

You are a good mother who made a mistake. My dc have left home now and on average I think I lost it four times with each child throughout their lives, in ofher words I shouted or didn’t respond in a way I felt particularly proud of. They still love me and I have a good relationship with them because I apologised each time.

On one occasion, I distinctly remember one of my children who was about six or seven deliberately tipped their plate of home made spaghetti bolognese upside down on the table in protest about something and I felt so tired and dispirited in that moment that I burst in to tears and shouted that they were evil!To this day I have no idea where that word came from because I never use it normally and I don’t even think in those terms but I know I apologised that night and made it clear that it was his behaviour I didn’t like, not him.

Happily, parenting is a marathon! It’s the overall performance that counts not the occasional sticky moment.

Just take it as a sign to get some support if you can help it and a baby-sitter once a week maybe on a weekend morning. You do need time to decompress. Doing it all on your own is hard. I used to ignore everyone who said “happy mum, happy child” but it is honestly so true. I came to realise this in the teenage years when I got very low. So heed the warning that you gave yourself op, that you need to give yourself a break, literally and metaphorically! 💐

Maternal rage is a thing, it's awful. You will think about it forever and there is no way to make it feel better. I don't know why it happens, but because people are ashamed, it's not talked about and there are not many solutions online. You are a single parent which makes it harder. My two year Olds tantrums would trigger me and I don't even know why. He stopped having them fairly quickly and I almost want him to start again so I can handle them better this time. It's just a rage deep down that you couldn't control. I don't know if he will remember or if it damaged him, no one does. But I don't think the meaning of the words would have resonated as he is only young, more the tone. Just be extra nice to him now. It's all you can do.

There is no damage for a one-off at 4. He won't remember it.

But I think you need to understand what pushed you to say this. You sound exhausted!
I've lost my calm many times with my kids like many parents, and sometimes shouted at them and obviously regretted it. But even in those circumstances I have never told them I hated them.

It feels like there is more to it.

Wtaf am I reading? Poor little lad.

I really admire that you have come here to admit what happened. I would have probably been so embarrassed and ashamed that I don't know what I would have done. Glad you did come here, though, because you are getting some measured responses about what seemed to be a really stressful moment for you.

Take comfort from the fact that research says as parents we only need to get it right 30% of the time to have well adjusted children! Chalk it up as a bad day and move on. Don’t beat yourself up. You were pushed to your limit at that time. It happens and you know it was wrong but you haven’t permanently damaged him with this one off.

I’ve been there. Single mum, kid on the spectrum: often tired, lonely, poor, burdened with responsibility and no opportunity to better our lives. And I’ve lost it with my kid- when he was 3 I screamed in his face. When he was 6 I threw a chopping board across the kitchen so hard it left a dent in a wooden floor. I am not proud at all of these incidents. But in between, there were days at the beach, movies and ice creams, laughter.
I remember those incidents and am ashamed. My son doesn’t remember them. Today he’s 18, learning to drive and is spending the day in the city with a group of young people. In those dark times I would never have thought it possible. I wish I could talk to that lonely, desperate mum and tell her it’s all going to work out.
Because it is. You clearly love him, you look after him- there are kids out there with much less. He loves you, you are a team and it will work out.

My goodness love, relax. We have all had moments we regret. I assure you, you have not damaged your child. He doesn't grasp what you said, he's 4! He won't even remember it in a few days. You are human. You are doing your best. Cut yourself some slack. Tomorrow is a new day.

You do deserve them because you are having the right reaction to what was your own meltdown.

There are plenty of parents out there that seriously abuse their kids and wouldn’t feel bad about what you’ve done. There’s the difference.

This one incident will probably teach your son not to push you too far. As long as you are showing love, he will feel it.

I suspect you're a rather lovely mum. Please stop worrying. It's a one off. He learnt that he went too far and you both apologised. That actually sounds like you have a loving and healthy relationship.
Make sure you have your coping strategies in place for next time and for now just enjoy your close relationship.