How much damage have I done to my child by doing this? I feel sick

[10000ak]

DS is 4 in a couple of months. Not yet at school. I am a single parent and usually manage reasonably ok.

Tonight I absolutely lost it. I don’t really remember what started it but I was doing the bath and ds was going mad about his hair being washed, hitting me, then started spitting at me and splashing water out of the bath to me. I stayed calm for a few minutes and tried to get him to stop. He eventually did and then it started up again. I just burst into tears and shouted ‘I hate you’ over and over and he was saying stop mum stop it mum. It was awful. I left the bathroom for a minute or so (no bath water left in tub at this point) and came back and I think he said sorry mum, I don’t really remember, I just rinsed his hair then he got out and he was upset and so was I. I dressed him and said I was going downstairs for a few minutes.

I went back upstairs and gave him a hug and he said I’m sorry mum, I asked him to sit down and I said I was very sorry for shouting, mum should never ever do that and she is sorry and she loves you all the time always and I only said unkind things because I was very tired and I was upset at being hit and splashed but it was wrong of me. He said he was sorry too. We hugged again.

Evening was fine after that. I feel horrendously sick and can’t eat and definitely won’t sleep. I can’t actually believe what I said to him in such a horrible way on repeat. I don’t need anyone to tell me this is wrong, I know it is. How much damage do you think I have done? What else can I do to fix this? I hate myself so much and feel like I’ve completely let myself down as a parent and mother. What a mess.

If it is definitely, 100% a one off he probably won't remember it.
It does need to absolutely be the first and last time you lose your shit on this scale with him though.
I think kids look back on their childhood as a whole, if it is 99% positive with 1% shitty times then on balance they had a great time....if the % value of experiences starts including more of the shitty times then there is more chance they will carry those memories into adulthood.

Don’t feel guilty, you’re only human. You’ve repaired the damage with him and that’s the most important thing.
Most parents have a story or two they wouldn’t want to share with anyone about their worst moments of parenting. It pushes us close to the edge, especially when it’s all on you as a single parent.

It sounds like a really stressful situation. You should feel no shame for what you said, you’ve shown him that you make mistakes too and how important it is to apologize and make amends. Lessons learned all round!

Go and give him a big cuddle in your bed. Bad mothers don’t worry if they’re bad mothers. The good ones do

He was being a sh!thead. You’re human, not a robot. If you were a bad parent, then you would not be posting here, feeling awful about it 💐

You are human. You were pushed to your limit. You did not touch him in anger. Try not to torture yourself too much. If it makes you feel better, I once chased oe of my sons outside with a spatula fully intending to beat him with it. He was about 8. I agonized for months. He doesn't even remember it.

He will be fine. I remember my mum saying something along those lines once in the heat of the moment when I was a child, and even at the time, though I was upset, I knew she didn't mean it. She's always been a great mum and I always knew she loved me. As other people have said, you said the right things afterwards and he won't dwell on it.

i think you need a break. Does he have a father or grandparent who can step up for an afternoon or morning and give you time to reflect about what went wrong. I h would also plan a special treat for the two of you and make a point of telling him how much you love him.
Imagine you have a camera trained on you and your son for a parenting programme. Be as positive as possible. Work hard at making him feel loved and secure.
it must be so hard to parent alone and you need friends to vent to and have a laugh with. It is essential that you have someone to talk to when life gets you down so that you never behave like this again. Good luck

He’ll be fine. He needs to see you are a human being with limits and repair is important. Just don’t make a habit of it. One off won’t traumatise him, constantly will

How much damage do you think I have done?

None. It was a one off in stressful circumstances and you’ve already explained you didn’t mean it. If you were screaming this at your child every day, may be a different outcome. You sound like such a lovely mother and the fact your son still wanted to cuddle you after shows he is not affected. Please be kind to yourself x

Be kind to yourself - the fact you feel sick and are seeking reassurance shows you have a good, kind heart. We all snap, we are all human. Take the opportunity in the morning to talk about big feelings, appropriate ways to handle them, etc. If it’s a one off, unfortunately it’s just one of those things - you can’t change it so i wouldn’t dwell on it. If you feel come close to bubbling a lot have a look at the triggers and put some things in place for yourself. I need low, calm music on that i can zone into and out of the crazy when it’s all a bit much. Also think about getting a break. You sound tired - get an early night, tomorrow’s a new day x

When my DD was about 4 or 5 I screamed bloody murder at her. I can't remember what she did that tipped me over the edge. I do remember being stressed that day because of a dispute with a neighbour. Like you, I apologised, and we hugged and we cried a bit.

She remembers it and has brought it up from time to time in her own defence when she behaves poorly as an example that nobody is perfect / outside stress affects us.

"Sorry I shouted mum, I'm in a right mood because exams are stressful. It's like that time when you went batshit at me over Mike nextdoor..."

She's a delightful well adjusted teen, who likes ribbing me about it

Don't bring it up again. He'll be OK. This isn't his experience of normal day to day life and that's what matters

You apologised. That’s the most important thing anyone ever does. People can and do fuck up. Not everyone apologises.

You haven't done any damage. He behaved badly, you lost it and then you both apologised and made up. That's life. The only thing to learn from it I would say is don't let him get to that point again and act quicker to stop his poor behaviour.

Try to sleep tonight rather than punish yourself otherwise you will have little resilience tomorrow.

I agree you should try to enforce your boundaries (no spitting or you are getting out etc).

Perhaps you could think of some strategies if you have nothing left in the tank how you buy yourself a few minutes with your child safe.

I think the saying "if you think you hate everybody have something to eat, if you think everybody hates you get some sleep" is usefull - in essence take care of yourself get some food and sleep and things won't seem so bad.

This.

They do need to find out that they can push things to far, and learn how to better cope with these situations in future.

We have all transgressed in this way, and it feels horrible, but how much do you remember from when you were 4?

Aww don’t worry. It’s hard sometimes. Im happy to see all of the kind posts ❤️

The other thing that is worrying me is that because he is barely even 4 I am concerned he didn’t fully understand my apology or the fact that I didn’t mean what I said. He might think on one level I do actually hate him.

I would give him lots of hugs , lots and lots, but never refer to it again.

Decide how to handle it if you ever feel you are approaching a similar situation again. Probably by making sure he's safe and then walking away

You havn’t damaged him.
You’ve taught him about admitting you are wrong and apologizing.

A social worker said to a friend that if there are occasional losses of temper with apologies, in a general background of a loving environment then the kids muddle through.

I personally would apologise again tonight and tomorrow but not next month etc. Unless he brings it up.

Apparently according to Steve Bidoph ( author) , 1/3 rd of Parents struggle with fits of rage. You are not alone.

Ellie Jelly and the massive mummy meltdown is a good book about this . W

Also I should add that he usually not like that, he does have his moments but he’s generally a really lovely and calm child.

I think cut yourself some slack. The lesson learnt is people can say things in the heat of the moment, even adults get it wrong, you apologised. He wasn’t physically hurt. I don’t think you’ve done any damage at all.

This
Don't beat yourself up OP

I think sometimes things can get hard for us mums, kids really do test us. Dont stress yourself even more by not forgiving yourself for felling like that, your little boy said sorry for playing up to you too.

The main thing is you said sorry and he said sorry and both cuddled up. Tomorrow is another day and I bet your wee pals again. 🥰❤️

Oh I'm sure he's either heard other kids or said himself "I hate you" only for the people involved to return to friends later on. He'll know it's a way of showing anger. He'll know anger doesn't last forever.

He will absolutely know and feel that you do and have always loved him