AIBU to ask my partner to move out over benefits?

[TWD123]

I have been with my partner for around 2 years. I have health issues which I have been quite unwell with since January. Around 2-3 weeks ago, my partner unofficially moved in here to help me out, I say unofficially because she doesn’t contribute to the bills at the moment because that would mean her legally living here in the eyes of UC. It was a 2-3 week trial run until I was back on my feet a bit more to decide what to do next.

We have started going through benefit calculations to see how it would all work with her officially moving in. Now, I was always under the impression that she doesn’t earn very much, living on the breadline - because that’s what she has always told me - now it transpires that she earns a lot more than she said and also has quite a bit in savings.

This means that I would be losing around £1000 a month, having to pay for school meals/prescriptions/dental care/etc whilst she would be around £1000 better off because my house bills aren’t as much as hers.

She is going to have to move straight back out isn’t she?

I hate to make it all about money but my income resources are pretty limited due to being too unwell to work and I have children - one that is autistic - to provide for…

Yep. She needs to move back out. Just for lying about her financial situation, to be honest but also because you need to put your children first.

2 practical things.

It doesn’t seem viable due to her shift work, it’s just not practical.

Prescriptions you would purchase an annual prepayment certificate at £114.50. Glasses you go to ASDA even if it’s a trek as even their varifocals are including in their standard prices of £80. They have no overheads hence the bargain price.

However it does sound like your loss of financial independence would be at risk and a nightmare if it didn’t work out. Also not the best situation for your DC.

It was a trial run and you are not ready to live together.

OP, this is actually a no brainer.
She has lied to you about her finances.
Why would you trust that person to impact your household income.

This is not going to benefit you or your children and actually is disruptive.

As a single pardnt your 100% loyalty is to your children.

Do not blow up your situation when you already have so much to contend with.

Illness and an autistic child?
That's enough to deal with.

She should not be moving in under these circumstances and I would completely rethink a relationship with someone whom has lied to me about finances.

Red flag.

The first issue here should be about the deceit, then the finances, then the upheaval to your routines. I would definitely not move in together. (Also, ignore all the posters piling on about you being on benefits.)

Hm, so from the partner’s perspective she’d need to pay £1000 per month to become a carer? It sounds like the OP is never going to work again and her health is deteriorating so partner is committing to a life of being primary financial and practical provider. It’s absurd to break a relationship down to financials only, and if that’s what you’re doing then the relationship probably isn’t a ‘partnership’ at all.

I also don’t think it’s unreasonable to keep financial information private while dating. She’s been upfront at the point where it matters - when the relationship seems to be moving on. I think that’s fair. Why should she tell everyone she dates her exact income and savings?

From a benefits point of view Moving a partner in is not a temporary situation. Why was the financials not discussed before taking this step. I’m surprised if she’s living there and you haven’t reported a change in circumstances. Someone working would of course be expected to contribute to op bills and household.

I would think the main objection to her moving in on a permanent basis is that your posts don’t seem to suggest that you like her that much 🤷🏻‍♀️

It’s not really deceptive. She didn’t need to tell you the amount until she moved in and she’s been honest with you now when she needed to

I get what you're saying.

Number of things really, the benefit system isn't to be played so if she moves in, and financially she isn't entitled to benefits due to earnings, that's great. You pool your income with her knowing she makes up what you dont have without her input. You are a couple and commit as such, your benefits stop/reduce.

Or if she's better off, you move in with her and she becomes the main earner/provider.

Or you live apart, knowing she has lied to you about her income, knows you are struggling and keeps her finances separate. Which she is entitled to do, but perhaps you aren't as serious of a couple as you thought.

Or you live apart and play the system, where you get max benefits, she retains her income, she stays over as if you live together but financially you're better off because you're both maximising your individual financial gains.

But you know in every scenario, she wasn't honest about her money and that's a red flag.

I would ask her to move back out. Your children need to come first.

Definitely tell her to move out . She was all but deceitful about her finances. Major red flag. And it will be detrimental to your children. Case closed

Not necessarily, I’m happy for my partner to pay his % of the household costs. It doesn’t mean I love him any less or that I’m keeping him at arms length.

2 years is too soon to be living together, especially when you have DC, how do I they like having a stranger in their safe space. You can have a relationship without living together

Why should she become a carer when she has a well paid job. OP is skirting around the issue but it sounds like OP relys on benefits which will be soon taken away if OP actually declares a change in circumstances. From every update OP isn’t ready to combine 2 into 1 household with shared finances, so other party should move out.

This thread doesn't actually have anything much to do with the money, does it?

You don't like living with her. You don't need an excuse for that, just tell her it's not working for you and your family and she needs to move out.

I don’t get the “lying” “deceit” angle! OP, your DP didn’t tell you exactly how much she earned when you were dating and how much she had in savings.

I certainly didn’t tell my DH those things when we were dating. When dating, these things are private surely and only become apparent if and when the relationship moves onto living together and advancing the relationship, hence in your case OP, DP moved in she shared this information with you. It doesn’t matter that you thought she earned less than she actually did or that she had savings that you did not previously know about.

But both OP and her DP do not seem to be willing to grasp the financial implications of living together other than how it effects OPs benefits and I think OP, as another PP has suggested, your DP most probably thinks it is best you stay on benefits, she does though need to fully understand the implications of this and how her living with you rightfully changes everything.

She needs to move out again. Prioritise stability for you and your children.

RTFT

Can you not do packed lunches which are a lot cheaper? Not sure what the options are but assume buying hot meals is more expensive.

NHS dentist costs are still capped pretty reasonably. Your children will still get free dental. Does you prefer have private medical or dental through work she can add you to?

Yes and it's easier for a couple to handle this, how do you think people that are together that don't receive benefits do it? By pulling their incomes together and scrapping by....I would say you are not that serious if you are not willing to be a team and make sacrifices. You'd rather not live with the person and keep getting benefits...

It does not sound as if you are very compatible. Her lack of transparency is just one niggle and you would become more dependant on her. You need to put your dc needs first even if that means she lives elsewhere or even ultimately lose the relationship. What other practical support can you access?

Throughout the benefit system, you count as a member of a couple if you are living in the same household with someone and you are married, civil partners or living together as though you are married or civil partners.

The DWP’s Advice for Decision Makers says:

To be treated as a couple, the relationship has to be the same as that of a married couple. Marriage is where two people join together with the intention of sharing the rest of their lives.

There is no single template of what the relationship of a married couple is. It is a stable partnership, not just based on economic dependency but also on an emotional relationship of lifetime commitment rather than one of convenience, friendship, companionship or the living together of lovers.

Unless it is more likely than not that the relationship between two people has the emotional quality that characterizes a married couple’s partnership, the Decision Maker should find that they are not a couple.

The characteristics of the relationship of husband and wife may include mutual love; faithfulness; public acknowledgement; sexual relations; shared surname; children; endurance; stability; interdependence; devotion.

Not all of these characteristics need be present and two people may be treated as a couple even though the relationship is unsatisfactory or unhappy.

ADM E4093-E4095

assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/media/5a7575a740f0b6397f35e96f/adme4.pdf

Tbh OP it doesn't sound like her moving in works for you on any level, not just due to benefits.

I think you just need to tell her the trial hasn't worked out as it's a bit too disruptive for the children, and also mention the monetary element so she's aware.

Maybe she prioritises saving and sees that as a requirement so doesn’t have any money left after she has put into her safety net.

As long as on my dates I pay my way I tend to keep my earnings to myself after an ex used to treat every pay rise or bonus I got as his personal windfall.

This is enough of a reason not to move her in and the cynic in me wonders if she was giving out breadline vibes because she wanted you to take pity on her and ask her to move in with you. I could be wrong, but I've worked in DV services and this isn't uncommon. You will be the one worse off and you'll be tied even further to her. You are already vulnerable in the sense that you need her to care for you, albeit temporarily.