AIBU to ask my partner to move out over benefits?

[TWD123]

I have been with my partner for around 2 years. I have health issues which I have been quite unwell with since January. Around 2-3 weeks ago, my partner unofficially moved in here to help me out, I say unofficially because she doesn’t contribute to the bills at the moment because that would mean her legally living here in the eyes of UC. It was a 2-3 week trial run until I was back on my feet a bit more to decide what to do next.

We have started going through benefit calculations to see how it would all work with her officially moving in. Now, I was always under the impression that she doesn’t earn very much, living on the breadline - because that’s what she has always told me - now it transpires that she earns a lot more than she said and also has quite a bit in savings.

This means that I would be losing around £1000 a month, having to pay for school meals/prescriptions/dental care/etc whilst she would be around £1000 better off because my house bills aren’t as much as hers.

She is going to have to move straight back out isn’t she?

I hate to make it all about money but my income resources are pretty limited due to being too unwell to work and I have children - one that is autistic - to provide for…

If she was more upfront about her own financial situation and the impact it would have on the house, I could have done!

If someone is too ill to work, that’s exactly what the welfare state is for. If the op was getting married, that’s exactly would be different, but she’s not, which means the op has no financial security whatsoever. Are you suggesting she deserves to be on the poverty line?

From your original post it appears that you included all these extra outgoings into "£1000 worse off" so you will not have any change in your circumstances if she subs you with extra £1000 she will be saving. Or did I misunderstand your post?

Well, she either makes up what you lose, and some more to cover her expenses of living there, extra fuel, food or she doesn't move in.
But it doesn't sound like it's a good idea anyway for the shift work before even thinking of the money.

I will lose £1000 in income and then have additional outgoings that I don’t currently have - school meals (although I will double check this), prescriptions (I go through a lot of medication) glasses (I have quite a specific lens which changes around twice a year), dentist fees (I need quite a bit of work doing but currently I don’t have to pay for that, if I did it would be around £3000). Just no financial security in terms of welfare support

Yeah the shift work has a massive impact - early shifts she leaves around 4:30am, I have to get up to chain the door behind her to stop autistic child escaping the house. Late shifts I have to stay awake until she gets back otherwise I would wake up and not go back off again. Night shifts obviously having to keep the house quieter. It’s a small one level house too (not a flat) so all the rooms are next to each other

From your recent updates, it seems irrelevant. You prefer to live separately and found her being in your space difficult to deal with in terms of routine disruption. I think it would be wiser to focus on that over financial issues because they don't really matter if you ultimately don't want to live together anyway.
I know it may seem easier to frame it in this way because otherwise you have to confront her with the fact that you are just not feeling it...

The country should never have got into a position where you’re more generously supported by the state than by a full time working partner…

Obviously don’t have her move in OP, you don’t even want her there.

Sorry - so are you saying you will be MORE than £1000 worse off, then? In that case you work out how much that is and she pays that - but I get the impression she is not willing to contribute to the balance of lost financial support. In that case, you are better off living separately until your children have grown up and left home. This is often advised anyway as an unrelated adult partner in a home with children is generally a recipe for disaster.

The fact that she has understated her financial position is an issue too - it may be that this was in response to being nervous of making herself vulnerable, esp if has been financially abused/used in previous relationships, but if she is not in a position where she trusts you enough to be honest, then you are not ready to co-habit.

From what I understand, she also needs to move out promptly as, at the moment, she might be considered a visitor, but any longer a stay and you are already in the territory where you should have self-reported the change in your circumstances… and a neighbour or disgruntled acquaintance could really drop you in it.

So you should probably use this as part of your explanation as to why it can't work. Kindly and non-judgementally (Chat gpt for phrasing?) to ensure a less emotive response from her?

Non means tested benefits would still be payable even if he earnings ruled you out of UC. If your child gets DLA that would continue to be paid as would PIP if you get that. If you claim New style ESA then that can still also be paid and child maintenance.

Why should the partner be expected to move in and financially support OP and kids that aren’t hers though? That doesn’t make sense either.

I don’t necessarily think she has been lying @TWD123- she may have high rent, council tax, all her own bills , no benefits whatsoever and as you are discovering these things add up hugely if single and covering it all yourself if you have no access to benefits and don’t have social housing - with regards to savings, one persons ‘skint’ can be another persons ‘only ‘ £7k in savings etc - the biggie is has she got over £6k in savings and certainly over£16k as if so, you won’t be able to claim ‘at all’ regardless of her income, until you reach that level of savings - if that’s the case does she want to spend her savings on paying for you all?? unless it’s the non means tested benefits . I’m all for people standing on their own two feet but being honest in your case I wouldn’t do it , nor would I in her case to be honest if I had over the limits in savings.

Have you spoken to her?
I don’t think I class it as her lying about finances tbh, she may well feel that she is tight at the end of the month. We all have different levels of ‘tight’. And saving are generally not figured into how each month feels as they are savings and aren’t touched!
I’ll be honest - at no point her does it sound like you actually want her to move in and like her that much. Generally finances work as a family, not two separate people. If you want to live together you both need to go through this together.

I really don’t get people like you op. So you have health issues, a single parent, a child with SN, and a lying partner. What on earth do you need to dither about wondering what to do. And why do you need anyone else to confirm that?

youre about to lose £1k over your love life. You have kids and you depend and rely on benefits. Why would you ever want to mess with that. Keep your partner separate. Now look at what happened, you found them to be so deceitful. That’s why you don’t make your love life a priority when you have kids whose security and livelihood can be jeopardised.

If you’re with a live-in partner, you should be able to rely on them to support you when times are tough.

The kids should be primarily supported by their parents (by DLA and CMS in OP’s case) but I think anyone choosing to move in with unrelated children needs to accept they’ll be paying towards a family.

I think you're being really sensible OP: your kids should always come first and that's what you're doing.

it sounds like the few weeks was enough and you and your kids will be happier going back to the set up of being a couple that lives apart and stays over sometimes and that's absolutely fine!

They are making this decision before the woman permanently moves in though, and it’s clearly a bad idea for both of them.

What was her living situation before she moved in with you? Can she go back there tomorrow?!

Free school meals continue, even when your income increases. Once registered as a free school meals child, that status is kept for the rest of the time at that stage of school e.g. primary/secondary

It boggles the mind that some many people end up in thks position. Anything that is to the detriment of the children's welfare should just be a no-brainer.

At least this OP isn't 6 months in, in debt and in doubt about having the conversation/moving the partner back out.

I alao find it odd how many people think she should focus on her feelings and the partner's emotional support; at the expense of feeding her children.

Even if she agreed to pay OP the extra amount, she could easily stop anytime or not do it at all but agree she will

“And it would be fine if all that £2800 was going into the joint household but it wouldn’t be so I still have to try and independently support myself and kids whilst being unable to work and improve my own financial situation”

I don’t understand why all of that money would not be going into the joint household, that is how Co-habiting works isn’t it?

Or, has she made it clear that she will not provide for you and your children.

You have every right to be in a relationship, independent from your children, but that is a questionable when that person lives in the family home. Even a lodger would have an obligation to contribute to the household by way of paying rent including utilities.

Maybe a better way to do it would be to combine income and make an application based on that. Unless your partner is rich, which doesn’t seem to be the case, you could still be entitled to something.

You are unable to work and If she is not willing to support you and your children, she shouldn’t be living with you.

Unless you're going to have a frank conversation with your DP about contributing money to the house hold you have a choice, that only you can make.

You either live in your house with your DC and keep your benifits.

OR.

You live in your house with your DC and your DP and lose part of your benifits.

I've a feeling reading through posts that your DP seems to think that as you're living off of benifits that she can move in and doesn’t feel she needs to contribute much as you'll still be getting all that you get now, so maybe she'll only pay a token amount.

Does she realise that that won't necessarily be the case and you'll have to declare that you're now living together or is she wanting you to keep quiet about it?

I think you have your answer OP. By all means check out the finances and make the decision with your head as well as your heart. However you say you prefer to live apart and its your partner who wants to move into a small house which could be disruptive to your child. There are some major red flags there.

Remember you will also lose your generous 25% council tax discount as well with two adults there.